*almost* the best superpower in the world

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Feb 10, 2016 3:17 pm UTC

but you have to ask other people what to do to the time, and you have no control over it.

I can read any book by looking at its cover, and have perfect recall of it.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Feb 10, 2016 3:37 pm UTC

You walk into a library and go mad. Well, madder than you were.

I can solve any equation in a second.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Feb 10, 2016 4:22 pm UTC

But you can't show your work or tell what units its in.

I can change water into any alcohol I want, instantly.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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SirGabriel
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Wed Feb 10, 2016 5:12 pm UTC

In fact, you can't help doing so to any water you touch (including the water that makes up parts of other liquids, such as your blood). You die from alcohol poisoning, and then doctors spend decades studying your corpse, trying to figure out how you managed to get that much alcohol into your bloodstream.

I can be in two places at once.

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:39 pm UTC

But only if you cut yourself in half, leading you to die from massive blood loss.

I can declare something to be true, and the universe rearranges itself such that what I said is in fact true.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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flicky1991
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby flicky1991 » Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:41 pm UTC

However, you can't control what else changes at the same time. It doesn't take long for the universe to be in a state where you no longer have this power.

I can recognise anyone I've met.
any pronouns (mainly she/he)
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flicky1991 wrote:Maybe I am a female Justin Bieber!
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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:50 pm UTC

but you can't remember their name.

I can turn into a superfluid, and back again, at will.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eviloatmeal » Thu Feb 11, 2016 9:26 am UTC

Superfluids, however, do not have this power. So even though you are capable of turning yourself from a superfluid into a human being, it does you no good once you stop being you.

I can walk on any hard, flat surface, regardless of its orientation (walls, ceiling, underside of cliffs, car door...)
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SirGabriel
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:05 pm UTC

But only if it is flat at the molecular level. Since there are no surfaces which are perfectly flat, you can't walk at all.

I can teleport between parallel universes.

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eviloatmeal
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eviloatmeal » Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:26 pm UTC

But only to the exact point in space where parallel-you is in those universes, fusing and killing you both in the process.

I can determine if any program will halt or not based on its source and input values.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Thu Feb 11, 2016 2:02 pm UTC

But only if the program is written in Cobol.

I can quickly solve any problem whose solution can be quickly verified by a computer.

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araprado613
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby araprado613 » Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:58 am UTC

but the internet no longer exists.

I have telekinesis.

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faubiguy
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:53 am UTC

Since you didn't specify what is meant by quickly, this only applies to O(1) constant time problems.

I can experience other peoples' memories by thinking about that person.

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flicky1991
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby flicky1991 » Sat Feb 13, 2016 9:44 am UTC

You don't get to choose which memories. The next time you think of your parents, you experience your conception.

I can keep eating without gaining weight.
any pronouns (mainly she/he)
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flicky1991 wrote:Maybe I am a female Justin Bieber!
Justine Bieber. Alternatively, Miley Cyrus.

DieWithDustin
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby DieWithDustin » Sat Feb 13, 2016 10:48 am UTC

Because skin falls off at the same rate as you add food.

I can make the best paper airplanes.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eviloatmeal » Tue Feb 16, 2016 1:05 pm UTC

"Best" being defined in terms of looks, and you must sacrifice aerodynamics in the process.

I can levitate.
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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Fri Feb 19, 2016 2:37 pm UTC

Only objects which are less dense than their surrounding fluids.

I can spell everything in every language correctly.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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eviloatmeal
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eviloatmeal » Fri Feb 19, 2016 2:49 pm UTC

Uh Sue ming yew no watch ew wont too spell.

I can calculate the volume of an object by looking at it.
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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Thu Feb 25, 2016 8:08 pm UTC

But you don't know what the units are.

I can cook the best food.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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SirGabriel
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Thu Feb 25, 2016 11:20 pm UTC

"Best" meaning most nutritious. But it tastes so terrible that people would rather starve than eat it.

I can cook the best-tasting food (without sacrificing nutritional value in the process).

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eviloatmeal » Fri Feb 26, 2016 8:30 am UTC

But the ingredients you have to use to make the food taste that good are completely off-putting to everyone, including yourself.

I have perfect pitch (another for-reals superpower that I wish I really did have).
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:47 pm UTC

"Pitch" meaning "the steepness of a slope, especially of a roof." The roof of your house is sloped at the perfect angle.

I never get drunk no matter how much alcohol I drink.

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emlightened
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby emlightened » Sun Mar 13, 2016 12:52 pm UTC

You do however get drunk easily off water, and hence live dehydrated or drunk.

I can shapeshift at will.
Bleb. Idk when I'm returning.

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flicky1991
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby flicky1991 » Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:00 pm UTC

You can choose when you shapeshift, but not what you shapeshift into.

I can choose what people with shapeshifting powers turn into.
any pronouns (mainly she/he)
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Spoiler:
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flicky1991 wrote:Maybe I am a female Justin Bieber!
Justine Bieber. Alternatively, Miley Cyrus.

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faubiguy
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:35 pm UTC

Except for your own shapeshifting powers, which get activated whenever you do so.

I can control any electronic device with my mind, without needing physical access.

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:45 pm UTC

All the devices in the world send statusupdates to directly your head and you can't switch that off.

I can fly.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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faubiguy
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Fri Mar 18, 2016 3:20 pm UTC

Very, very slowly.

I can fly quickly.

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Tue May 24, 2016 5:07 pm UTC

but only in the shortest geodesic to the nearest major source of gravity, i.e. falling.

I am the fastest person alive.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
nɒʜƚɒɿ_nɒɿɘ

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faubiguy
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Tue May 24, 2016 5:31 pm UTC

You can now run at 300 km/h. But you can't slow down.

I can violate conservation of energy.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed May 25, 2016 8:30 am UTC

You violate it alright, but conservation of energy sues you for rape.

I can lift a car with my bare hands.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed May 25, 2016 9:15 pm UTC

but only if you are completely naked.

I can disintegrate things at will with my mind.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
nɒʜƚɒɿ_nɒɿɘ

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby heuristically_alone » Wed May 25, 2016 11:23 pm UTC

But your mind it causes your mind to disintegrate. You're not expected to live past the year.

I can shoot a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets.
Bow gifted by adnapemit.

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faubiguy
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Thu May 26, 2016 1:23 am UTC

But only if the yak is exactly 200 yards away, to the nearest eighth of an inch.

I have the power to project my senses temporarily to other locations without physically being at them.

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thunk
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby thunk » Thu May 26, 2016 5:14 am UTC

But only for locations further than one parsec away, and light-speed lag still applies.

I have complete control over towels.
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Lawrencelot
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Lawrencelot » Thu May 26, 2016 9:07 am UTC

But only when applied to wet dogs.

I can edit the text on any T-shirt print I see.

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Thu May 26, 2016 12:35 pm UTC

With a silk screening machine and only after you remove it from whoever is wearing it (note that they might be a bit annoyed at that.)

I can cause hot coffee to appear in my mug by thinking about it.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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Echo244
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Echo244 » Thu May 26, 2016 12:48 pm UTC

Granted. Decaf instant coffee. With lots of milk.

I can telepathically rummage around in other people's brains, at will.
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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu May 26, 2016 3:29 pm UTC

Doing so gives everyone brain damage. Not just the one you're doing it. Everyone.

I can modify other people's superpowers.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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Lawrencelot
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Lawrencelot » Thu May 26, 2016 3:39 pm UTC

But you lose your power when you do so.

I can increase the speed of my internet connection by a factor of 10000.

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eran_rathan
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Thu May 26, 2016 3:47 pm UTC

but only on an AT&T 212A modem.

I can instantly read the Wikipedia article about anything I look at.
"Trying to build a proper foundation for knowledge is blippery."
"Squirrels are crazy enough to be test pilots."
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
nɒʜƚɒɿ_nɒɿɘ


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