Ruin a Joke

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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:18 am UTC

In the non-latex glove dispenser in the surgeons' prep room.

Where did ancient egyptian merchants go for dates?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby ShaKri » Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:26 pm UTC

that nice litte restraunt just around the corner from their stall in the market place.


so there is a duck... a lion .. and a house keeper.
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:56 am UTC

The duck was in the pond at the zoo across the sidewalk from the lion;s cage, and the housekeeper (on her day off), was staniding on the sidewalk, enjoying the nice weather at the zoo that day.

How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:21 pm UTC

According to current theories of sugar to energy conversions, probably about 20 billion. Of course, it depends on the type of sugar and where you are on Earth.

Why did the dentist refuse to serve the alligator?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby ShaKri » Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:29 pm UTC

it seemed agitated... he was scared of getting bitten... :O .. plus it craped all over the waiting area.


what is the differance between an Elephant and a Loaf?
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:32 am UTC

Well, assuming you mean a loaf of bread, one is a delicious product of flour, water, yeast, probably milk and eggs (depending on the type of bread the loaf is made of) combined and allowed to cook in a heated environment, and an elephant is made of mammalian-type biomatter, generally uncooked, and often covered in thick, leathery skin and crud one might find at the bottom of an elephant habitat (mud, hay, elephant manure)

What is the difference between an aspirin tablet and an typical aelephant that happens to be small, white, and round?
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:10 am UTC

One has a better description.

What is the difference between a color and a colour?
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Digital_Anarchy
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Digital_Anarchy » Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:43 am UTC

i'm sorry, i'm not really into pokemon.

what black and white, and red all over.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby keozen » Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:13 am UTC

A color chart.

A Nun, Bruce Schneier and Morgan Freeman walk into a bar...
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby ShaKri » Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:23 pm UTC

and Morgan Freeman shouts "Lets get jiggy with it!"

what is 2 parts apathy and 1 part nihilism?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Bulvox » Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:01 pm UTC

apathetic nihilism

i can has...
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:15 pm UTC

cheezburger?

What did the mouse say to the albino cat?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby AKAnotu » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:26 pm UTC

The Hyphenator wrote:cheezburger?

What did the mouse say to the albino cat?

Hello!

Quantum uncertainty walks into a bar
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:07 am UTC

Or doesn;t/. How can yopu really tell? It's just an idea anyway, ideas typically can;t walk, and even if they could, IU doubt they would be capable or willing of walking into a bar. THey may be brought to a bar, though, or brought up in a bar. Especially those ideas such as the Klein Stein, or beer soup (or spaghetti custard, that was an important one to remember).

Four anthropomorphic personifications of occurences traditionally associated with apocalypse walk into a bar...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:49 am UTC

...realise they're in a book, and manage to break out into the real world. Death, war, famine, and pestilence* ensue.

*and chaos, although I hear he's more in the milk business these days.

What do you call a man with no kidneys and lungs?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby AngrySquirrel » Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:04 pm UTC

Dead.

How many nerds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Putting the fist into pacifist.

they/them/theirs

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Rodan » Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:12 pm UTC

One. It's really not that hard.

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Ansain » Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:53 pm UTC

the next five hours are spent trying to subdue the wild beast.

So this blonde drives her car through a hailstorm and it gets covered in dents. The repairman says it'll cost $2,500 to repair them all and she replies that she doesn't have that kind of money. The repairman then sarcastically says "well you could always just fix them yourself by blowing really hard into the tailpipe."
Why put off till today what you could just as easily get done tomorrow?

I can mathematically prove that 1 equals 0!.

Parts a-x in my plan weren't that important anyways.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:38 pm UTC

Isn't that already the full joke? Whatever, I'll ruin it anyway.

She tries that but it doesn't work. "Well, that's all I can do," says the repairman. "Alright, thanks anyway," says the blonde, and sighs.

What did the maniac say to the elephant?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Ansain » Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:33 am UTC

The Hyphenator wrote:Isn't that already the full joke? Whatever, I'll ruin it anyway.

She tries that but it doesn't work. "Well, that's all I can do," says the repairman. "Alright, thanks anyway," says the blonde, and sighs.

What did the maniac say to the elephant?


the full joke is actually that she goes home and tries it. her blonde friend ends up comming over and telling her "you're such a moron... don't you know you need to roll up the windows first"

anyways, the maniac said the the elephant
"So will you be joining me for tea this saturday then Henry?"

Where do vampires keep their money?
Why put off till today what you could just as easily get done tomorrow?

I can mathematically prove that 1 equals 0!.

Parts a-x in my plan weren't that important anyways.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Gojoe » Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:56 am UTC

In their wallet.

You know what they say about big feet don't yah ;)
michaelandjimi wrote:Oh Mr Gojoe
I won't make fun of your mojo.
Though in this fora I serenade you
I really only do it to aid you.
*Various positive comments on your masculinity
That continue on into infinity*

Feeble accompanying guitar.

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Toenail clippings styles

Postby The Hyphenator » Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:48 am UTC

Yeah, they need big wallets!

What do you call a duck with Asperger's Syndrome?
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:40 am UTC

A duck with an affliction unusual to waterfowl.

What's the difference between an Adam Sandler* movie and a blank DVD?

*change name to that of an actor or director you dislike, if you happen to like adam sandler movies. I dislike the more recent ones, and find previous ones often funny, though crude.
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+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby SneakyMongo » Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:18 am UTC

JET73L wrote:What's the difference between an Adam Sandler* movie and a blank DVD?
.


The following punchline is EngSoc approved-
*contact system adminstrator if joke machine malfuctions*

Noun-jumps-adverb-connective-potato.

Thank you, and have a nice day.






I'll tell you beyond written law you dumb son-of-a-bitch, the whole thing's.....
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:55 am UTC

... a complete waste of time. I mean, who would ever sponser an ice hockey league played with full cans of beer for a puck? It's shrapnel waiting to happen!

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says he can't bring that dog in the bar, and the man bets entry for the dog and $400 that the dog can answer any three questions the man asks. THe bartender agrees. THe man asks WHat is on top of a house?" and the dog replies, "roof." He asks "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough." Then, the thrid wuestion, "WHo was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth." The bartender becomes angry and throws the man and the dog out of the bar...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Shikao » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:48 am UTC

The bartender quickly realizes what he did was wrong and invites the two back in. He gives them $400 and free drinks.

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Fat Tony » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:58 am UTC

He realizes that it is attached to a woman that is taller than him. They immediately fall in love and get married.

Who did the 19-year-old Republican in a rock band vote for for presidential office in 2004?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby bebemangeur » Sat Jun 21, 2008 7:26 am UTC

He debated and debated until he discovered he was not registered. He took care of it, but the race had already been won. He's looking forward to 2008 though.

Two peanuts were walking down the street...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby SneakyMongo » Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:02 am UTC

bebemangeur wrote:Two peanuts were walking down the street...


When behind them an angry voice spoke up "We don't LIKE your kind 'round here, fags!"
The two peanuts quickly dropped each others hands. They'd heard the bucolic threats before, but now quite alone in such unfriendly country they both turned with a certian reservation. For honestly what rebuke did they have if the locals turned violent? Such considerations, wild though they may have been, were always possibilites this far from normalizing influences.
"A nigger...and a kike" the man spoke with disdain.
Almost as though ethereal until that moment, a large group, billegerent and angry, appeared around them.
Backing into each other's bodies, eventually they hit a wall. Though the future was now written clearly on the vicious countenance of the crowd, both lovers still held each other. As though against this endless sea of empty rage, the voice and act of every demagoge and speaker of the lesser path, all of it could be negated by sheer determination alone, by their uncompromising desire to survive. For more then life itself, but for the other's.
The crowd's jests became jeers, then jeers became intents, and intents became advancement.
How had this situation come upon them? How had this developed so suddenly? The signs may have been there, but blinded by optimism more then anything they had failed to notice. Blinded by the idea that in such a day and age this could ever happen.
The crowd's now in spitting distance, and so it does. Rocks and shoes came next. Flying and brusing them, drawing blood and painful grimaces. Under the torrent the lover's hands find each other and grip each other for strength.
Whispered affections are uttered in the tones and volumes that only those who've shared flesh can read, and then, as with a mutal understanding, with unabashed indignation at all who would challenge, they kissed. Glorious, deep, so that their antagonists would die with the certian knowledge that whatever they did, the two had never submitted, that they had grown beyond anyone's ability to damn.
Then the crowd charged.

The end was not quick for either. Although renunciations were screamed amid the various tortures, they were only superfical things.
The bodies were never found.




So a parrot walks into a cracker factory and....


*edit*- the point of the above story is to get you to picture a black and chinese peanut kissing.
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby sxiz » Sat Jun 21, 2008 3:42 pm UTC

...eats all the crackers.

There were two fish in a tank. One said...
skine wrote:
diotimajsh wrote:Oh, Don Quixote, of course. Now I feel like an idiot for not getting it.


It's okay, the comic was a bit quixotic.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby hat_on_a_rat » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:51 pm UTC

Absolutely nothing, fish can't talk silly =P.

So a young Amish girl and her Amish mother and riding down a dirt road on their horse drawn cart...

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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:10 am UTC

One of the wheels hits a rock the wrong way and cracks apart. They end up at their destination late, after the time it took to replace the wheel.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. What has four wheels and flies and time travels?
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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The Hyphenator
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:13 pm UTC

A time-traveling garbage truck.

Why did the puppy cross the road?
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The Moo Prophet
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Moo Prophet » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:27 pm UTC

It was suffering from a puppy brain disorder, and in a fit of bad judgment decided the middle of the road might be a great place to nap. Oops, natural selection.

What do you get when you cross an airplane and a china cabinet.

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Actaeus
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Actaeus » Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:13 pm UTC

A lot of expensive, broken china and an airplane.

What do you call a spider with glasses?

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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:03 am UTC

Dead. I hate spiders.

Why did Santa only have seven reindeer this year?
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:10 pm UTC

because he found that seven could cope with his slieigh and wanted to give the others a break.
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lingomaniac88
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby lingomaniac88 » Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:35 am UTC

Despite millions of dollars in government research, nobody really knows.

I just flew in from Kentucky...
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Ansain
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Ansain » Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:52 am UTC

the flight sucked, they lost my baggage and some old lady wouldn't stop snoring.

how many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Why put off till today what you could just as easily get done tomorrow?

I can mathematically prove that 1 equals 0!.

Parts a-x in my plan weren't that important anyways.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Shikao » Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:54 am UTC

Two. One to hold the ladder, one to change the light bulb.

A scientist was walking down the street with a AA and sodium chloride. He was charged with...


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