Ruin a Joke

[willwithskills]

Jaywalking. He didn't cross the street at a cross walk.

What do you call a cannibal's dinner menu?

[pkuky]

molestion, and was sentenced to six months in prison.

a turtle, a hare, and a lion decided to have race. a russian millionare came along and decided to bet a million dollars on one of them. the lion and the hare insisted they were the fastest, but the turtle merely said "I'll win. turtle's word". on the day of the race...

[willwithskills]

Man, I'm like a super ninja! This guy got ninja'd by 2 friggin' hours.

[JET73L]

The russian millionaire bet on the turtle, and won. They were not talking animals, but rather people in costumes, and the russian millionaire knew that the lion and the hare were really very out-of-shape people, and the turtle was a worl-class marathon runner with a lightweight, aerodynamically designed fiberglass shell.

How many alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Actaeus]

Several. Although lightbulbs did not exist when alchemists were active, they were smart people and would have figured it out sooner or later.

What do you call a starving parrot?

[lingomaniac88]

It doesn't care what you call it; just give it some damn food!

A lawyer tells his wife, "My BMW won't start up!" His wife says...

[pi2infinity]

"Try turning the key the other way, dear!"

What do a drummer and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

[The Hyphenator]

They're both named Bob.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Shakes]

They're both named Bob.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, assuming it's an anthropomorphic lightbulb.

So a priest, a rabbi, and a comedian walk into a bar...

[pkuky]

and are then brutally beaten up by a sadistic bouncer, who is later fired and sent to jail for it.

a bunch of polish phisicists try escaping the country. they steal a plane, get on it and prepare to fly, but the pilot gets knoecked out by mistake. the phisicists decide that with their knowledge of phisics they ought to be able to take off at least, seeing as the police are sounding in the distance and there's no time for the pilot to wake up. on of them starts working, the others tell him to hurry up, and he says...

[muffin of doom]

...something in Polish, which I'm sure would be really funny if either you or I could understand it. Anyway, they aren't able to get the plane to take off before the police catch up with them, at which point they're all arrested for attempting to steal a plane (not to mention assaulting the pilot).

What's the best way to keep your violin from being stolen?

[Megatriorchis]

Eat it.

Have you seen Helen Keller's father?

[.Taylor.]

No, just missed him. How's he been?


Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?

[The Moo Prophet]

Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?

What makes it taste so much like real butter?

[Megatriorchis]

Your mom.

What is brown and sticky?

[.Taylor.]

Just a stick.


There once was a man from Nantucket.

[pkuky]

he caught his girlfriend cheating on him, so he shot her and her guy, then himself because he couldn't live with it anymore. this is sad.

a man walks into a bar...ouch!

[The Hyphenator]

Eat it.

No fair, that was hilarious!

He gets up and walks away, then gets hit by a car.

What did the kung-fu master say to the panda?

[Megatriorchis]

"Lose some weight, you fat bamboo-muncher."

What do you call a sleeping cow?

Sorry for being funny, I couldn't stop myself that time. ;P

[lingomaniac88]

Whether it's sleeping or not, a cow is still a cow!

I put spot remover on my dog...

[Megatriorchis]

It poisoned him. He died.

A lesbian, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a nightclub.....

[.Taylor.]

They dance, grind, pay their tabs and couldn't be more polite.


What did one muffin say to the other muffin?

[Leonsbuddydave]

"Hey! We're both muffins! This might seem like a weird question but...do you like flying kites?"

Exactly 29 drunken, morbidly obese chipmunks step out of an elevator onto the 9th floor of a building...

[nsmjohn]

"Hey! We're both muffins! This might seem like a weird question but...do you like flying kites?"

Exactly 29 drunken, morbidly obese chipmunks step out of an elevator onto the 9th floor of a building...

I don't know if you did it right, I laughed.

A lady down the hall sees the chipmunks and calls pest control. Pest control comes, traps and euthenizes all of the chipmunks.

A duck walks into a hardware store...

[Leonsbuddydave]

...purchases the tools and equipment he needs, and leaves.

(That time I did it right, but the first time, I just couldn't resist. )

25% of the worlds population is...

[The Hyphenator]

...one-fourth of all the people.

Why did the mathematician throw his pencil?

[pkuky]

because his girlfriend had just left him and he was in depression, throwing stuff at walls from time to time in desperation.

why was six afraid of seven?

[falcon434]

because 7 had a gun and just shot 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, and 0.



what do you call a blind dinosaur?

[pkuky]

zack. (this actually has a backround, there's a dinosaur comic where he talks about his friend zack being blind).

why don't girls like the night?

[Leonsbuddydave]

That's a stereotype, I'm sure there are a number of girls that are perfectly fond of the nighttime hours.

Why did the rock?

[.Taylor.]

Really, he didn't. It was a clever routine put on by the Witness Protection Agency to keep the murderer from finding Rock. It worked flawlessly.

Do you have change for a 20?

[The Hyphenator]

Sure. *zing!* Now it's a 10.

Can you give me a dollar?

[Megatriorchis]

No. I'm broke.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tennis!

[pkuky]

I thought I had a restraining oreder for you.

two men go to a zoo...

[Megatriorchis]

They get trampled by escaped zoo animals.

There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber.

[pkuky]

and asks him to marry it. the sea cucumber refuses, they break up. the mollusk is sorta depressed for a while but gets over it and ultimately marries someone else.

how many lammas does it take to eat anb elephant?

[muffin of doom]

Quite a few, I would imagine, seeing as how llamas are herbivores and elephants are quite large. The only way I can think of is to grind up the elephant and mix it into the llamas' normal food. Maybe you could do it with just one llama over a long period of time, but it would probably be bad for the llama.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".
Student: ...

[Megatriorchis]

Student: I wasn't going to say "I am [inster noun/adjective]", I was going to say, "'I' is the letter that comes after 'H'."
Teacher: Oh. Well, then, good job.
Student: Yeah. You bet your ass I did a good job.

So this lady walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc you gotta help me; I was out on the golf course and a bee stung me!"

[The Hyphenator]

The doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."

So a physicist, a mathematician, and a juggler walk into a bar...

[JET73L]

The physicist is depressed because his research grant was rescinded, the mathematician worked ath the same university and was there to help console him, and the juggler was there because he hated his job at the circus and wanted to get drunk then, so hed have the weekend to sober up before his next act. An archaeology professor and another mathematician then walked into the bar because they'd heard about the physicist, and the archaology professor recognized the jusggler, and asked if he would do his act to help cheer up the physicist. The juggler then threw a glass mugh at the archaeology professor's head, who was then taken to the hospital by the others, and rleased the next day after it was found that the only injuries were a shallow cut to the scalp. THe juggler was arrested froassault and fired from the circus, the bar owner was boycotted by the locals for using recalled glass mugs, the physicist was offeed funding by a different college in the same city, and everyone except the bartender, the juggler, and a homeless man who had nothing to do with the story all lived happily ever after. The end.

What do youget when you cross a road with a pair of shoes?