Ruin a Joke

For all your silly time-killing forum games.

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pkuky
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:40 am UTC

when suddenly I saw a whale. A WHALE!

a bear there was, a bear, a bear, all black and bron and covered with hair. when suddenly...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby quintopia » Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:56 am UTC

he wasn't there.

So once upon time there was nothing but a speck of compacted matter. . .

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Gojoe » Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:57 am UTC

i stopped rhyming

And there stood peter at the pearly gates
michaelandjimi wrote:Oh Mr Gojoe
I won't make fun of your mojo.
Though in this fora I serenade you
I really only do it to aid you.
*Various positive comments on your masculinity
That continue on into infinity*

Feeble accompanying guitar.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby quintopia » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:01 am UTC

being ninja'd by one minute.

So there was once a samurai who sent his ninjas to heaven (the hard way) to assassinate all figures of Christian importance. One of them decided to. . .

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:59 am UTC

betray the samurai to the emperor, thus causeing the samurai to die for his people's sins and become the next jesus. all agreed it was very ironoc.

this thread has become "start a story and then end it in a manner which does not surprise or astonish.
edit: not that I have a problem with that.

alice and bob went for a walk. then alice...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Account20151023 » Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:15 pm UTC

Did absolutely nothing that could possibly end up being said in a punnish manner.

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:59 pm UTC

their initials, mcdonakd's full name being mcdonalds jeoffray.

a man was eating a cat when suddenly...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Seremite » Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:46 pm UTC

He decided it needed more salt.

There once was a man from Nantucket...
(has this been done?)
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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:05 pm UTC

Who owned a mule. He used it to plow a filed of grain, as it was a small field, and he did not have the money for a horse or an ox. Eventually, the localk villiagers created an angry mob to and executed him under charges of bestiality, despite the fact that he had done nothing of the sort, as they had heard the limerick and assumed it was about him.

A blonde walks into a bar. Another blonde walks into a bar. THe brunette...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby FCN » Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:17 pm UTC

bartender asks the first blonde what she'd like to drink, while the second blonde looks in her purse for some cash so that she'll be ready to order next.

There are two kinds of people: those...
Spoiler:
LuNatic wrote:
Dear FCN,
You are:
a) Terrible, but in an awesome way.
or
b) Awesome, but in a terrible way.
I'm having difficulty deciding which.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:50 pm UTC

who are me, and those I don't like. it's fun to be mysanthopic and schizoid.

a man walks into a bar.
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Account20151023 » Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:46 pm UTC

Ouch.

What did the gynecologist say to the nun?

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:18 pm UTC

you have AIDS.

a cow goes to a doctor and tells him she has ulcers, and he...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Timequake » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:00 pm UTC

...becomes terrified at the fact that the cow is talking, and knows what an ulcer is.

Several men are trapped on an island and one day...
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:55 pm UTC

but are then rescued.

jesus goes to a prychoanalyst who says...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Gojoe » Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:19 am UTC

Good luck with the second coming

A clock is observed falling from a building
michaelandjimi wrote:Oh Mr Gojoe
I won't make fun of your mojo.
Though in this fora I serenade you
I really only do it to aid you.
*Various positive comments on your masculinity
That continue on into infinity*

Feeble accompanying guitar.

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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:36 pm UTC

A random passerby stops to make a comment about the opld bazooka joe comic where he throws the clock out the window because he wanted to see... but gets hit by the clock, goes into a coma, and his family sues the inventor who was doing a presentation on the 30th floor of his new (and not always functional) HoverClock.

There are 10 types of people in this world...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:02 pm UTC

But I have no idea what they are.


So one time my wife told me that she was pregnant...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:44 pm UTC

I said, "Really? THis is great! You;ve been trying to have a kid for months!" Then she replied, "No, I was just testing you, to see if you agreed with me in this." That was the last straw with her mind games, so I had her committed as a textbook case of sadisim/sociopathy.

Once, while hiking, I met a talking bear...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Timequake » Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:43 pm UTC

...And we had a very engaging conversation until it decided to kill me.

Captain Planet, Karl Marx, and Steve Jobs walk into a bar...
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:18 am UTC

... And well... really it's kind of a long story. I'll tell you later. Basically Captain Planet ends up dead in the library, with the rope, by C. Mustard.


If you give a mouse a cookie...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Timequake » Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:05 am UTC

...You'll soon find your home infested with mice.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:00 am UTC

generally one, unless he has a severe disability which would prevent him from doing so. to be ceratin of success, you would need n+1, where n is the number of surrialists with disabilities as described above.

so it goes...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:21 am UTC

...goes...gone...


So there's a blonde, a brunette and a red head...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Account20151023 » Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:18 pm UTC

And they room together in New York. All three of them have above-average IQs, and they work in a finance company. The redhead wants to be a lounge singer.

How do you get 40 nuns out of a building?

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pkuky
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:31 pm UTC

sound the fire alarm in a monestary.

so I was going back from my junior prom when suddenly I fell over in the middle of the road, and...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Megatriorchis » Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:56 pm UTC

Got run over by a car.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry around an umbrella?
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:10 pm UTC

because when he was young his parents impressed on him heavily that one must also go around with an umbrella, and that piece of education has remained with him to this very day.

does the integral from one to infinity of sin(x2) exist?
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:54 am UTC

No, but if you calculate a few integers, I could sing it.

A man is walking along the street one day when he finds a shaggy dog. THe dog has a collar, but no tag, so he takes him home and makes some FGound Dog fliers, with the dog's description. SAcouple of days later, he meets another man,. who had seen the fliers, saying that he had lost a dog fitting that description two days before the first man fouung d the dog. They go to identify the dog, and the second man says...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:29 am UTC

That's not him. Sorry to trouble you.

What's the difference between spiderman and superman?

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pkuky
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:32 am UTC

there was a dinosaur comic about spiderman.

a skelaton walks into a bar...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Gojoe » Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:35 pm UTC

and promptly falls apart with no muscle holding the bones together.

A three foot tall man walks up to a lady...
michaelandjimi wrote:Oh Mr Gojoe
I won't make fun of your mojo.
Though in this fora I serenade you
I really only do it to aid you.
*Various positive comments on your masculinity
That continue on into infinity*

Feeble accompanying guitar.

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby TomatoBlue » Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:59 am UTC

And says, "I'm sorry, I mistook you for someone else."


A redhead is jumping on the railroad tracks, shouting, "22, 22!" when a blonde walks up...

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby The Hyphenator » Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:44 am UTC

...and the lady shrieks and runs away. The man, planning to ask her out, feels crushed and goes home to sulk. On the way there, he sees a bar and decides to get a few drinks first. A movie director happens to be at the bar as well, spies the man, and decides he is perfect for a part in a new movie, called T-shirt and Shorts, a documentary on abnormally short people. He asks the man if he would be interested in the part, and the man accepts.

They go to a nearby restaurant, and the director interviews the man, wanting to know everything about his life. Only after asking many personal questions that the man reluctantly answers, does the director reveal that he is actually a Scientologist! The man recalls his brief but intense fight with Scientology a few years back, and is now frightened to death of what they will do to him with all this information.

In a moment of rash decision, he takes out his pistol that he carries everywhere for protection, and shoots the Scientologist. The other patrons are stunned, and the man sees the manager dialing the police. He panics and runs out of the restaurant. He scrambles into his car and drives away as fast as he can. On the way out of town, the police find him anyway and start chasing him for speeding. He accelerates.

BAM! He failed to negotiate the last turn smoothly, and crashes into a ditch on the side of the road. The police pull over, and sort out and search the wreckage. The man's body is found mangled beyond recognition.

(If you don't feel like reading a really long story, you should just stop now :))

Silence. Then, all of a sudden, light. He is awake, and the memory of the accident hits him almost immediately. Where am I? he thinks. He somehow could not recall if he believed in an afterlife before the accident. In fact, he finds that he can't even remember his name. The accident must have... wait, what accident? What am I talking about? he thinks. His memory is fading at an alarming rate, but he doesn't care now, because a face, bathed in a halo of light, is coming towards him.

The face turns out to belong to an old man, quite short as well, with a scraggly beard, wrinkled face, and large eyes. He is holding a walking stick made of gnarled wood.

"What be ye doin' in my cave?" the man asks.

"Who are you?"

"Well, ye probably ken ye be deid by noo, so I'm the guide to the Afterchamber. Ye best be followin' me."

The man scuttles off, and the short man sees no choice but to follow him. They head toward the light.

When they finally exit the cave, the light nearly blinds him. He is in a brilliantly lit meadow. There are birds chirping and trees and bushes dotting the landscape. The sun is bright, but the wind makes it pleasantly warm. Something doesn't seem right, though.

"Now that we're out of that, don't be alarmed if you hear a clicking noise," the old man says.

"Hey, you're not talking like--"

"No, that was just for the drama of the setting. Drama is very important here. Always remember that."

And the short man does indeed hear a clicking noise, almost like fingers lightly tapping on a keyboard. Suddenly, the scenery changes.

They are in a huge room, with rows of computers stretching along as far as the eye can see. There is a person working at every single computer.

"This is the Main Array. It's where you'll be working, forever," the old man explains. "You see, what happens after you die is, you simulate the world for the living. Making science ever more complicated is the main goal. We must make sure scientists never truly understand reality. That's why we invented quantum mechanics. Once humanity discovered this, we invented a more complicated explanation, and added a few more dimensions for good measure. You will be working on..."

The old man turned to a computer slightly larger than all the others, and clicked a few keys.

"...Coincidence Theory. Basically, this is making the universe more likely to produce unusual events, like winning the lottery or walking through walls. It's quite interesting, actually, and is very important to confuse scientists."

"Wait. Slow down. Why are you doing this?" the short man asked.

Shrug. "We don't really know, but there's nothing else to do here, and the computers give us all the instructions for what to do."

The man was then led down seemingly endless rows of computers, until finally being sat down at an empty chair, identical to all the others.

The computer explained all the instructions thoroughly, so that even the man, who knew practically nothing about computers, understood perfectly.

*****


A week later, the lady got killed in a freak tornado.



Why did I just write all that?

EDIT: Damn ninjas. You should still read the story; I think it's extremely creative, if I do say so myself. :)
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:57 am UTC

TomatoBlue wrote:And says, "I'm sorry, I mistook you for someone else."


A redhead is jumping on the railroad tracks, shouting, "22, 22!" when a blonde walks up...


... and joins her.


A duck and a swan are swimming in the pond...

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JET73L
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:08 am UTC

The swan pecks the duck to death because swans are complete b******s. So are geese.

A man walks into a bar, and offers to sell the bartender a genie's lamp for $500...
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"

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.Taylor.
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby .Taylor. » Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:43 am UTC

The bartender, being a total sap, buys the lamp and spends the next 40 of his remaining 45 years trying to get the scam lamp to work right. But it never does.



What makes a sammich, and manwhich?

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pkuky
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby pkuky » Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:59 pm UTC

Arthur dent.

so once upon a time there was this man called ford prefect. now he got himself into an amusing situation, and...
It rains on the enemy too!

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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby Megatriorchis » Fri Jul 11, 2008 8:12 pm UTC

Did some stuff.

Two little boys sit down to dinner and ask what's being served. Their father goes "It's what your mother calls me."
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Re: Ruin a Joke

Postby JET73L » Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:01 pm UTC

The boys are then sent to their room for asking what sort of food "filthy cheating b*****d" is.

Whay do you get when you cross a galaxy with a ball of yarn?
The Summoning of Dragons. Single copy, first edition, slighty foxed and extremely dragoned.
+++OUT OF CHEESE ERROR+++ +++PLEASE REBOOT+++
"I assumed we were walking to the bakery." "You alwaysassume that!"


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