Escape from Raptors

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bug sniper
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby bug sniper » Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:54 am UTC

The raptors eat you, and then eat those treats for desert. Congratulations on killing a bunch of raptors after your own digestion.

I find a security hole in the raptors' website and type "a';DELETE FROM foods WHERE name='humans';'". Humans will no longer be food for raptors.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
-Dungeon Crawl.

blademan9999
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby blademan9999 » Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:42 am UTC

The cyber raptors change it back.

I turn myself into a super raptor.
The raptors begin to worship me.
http://officeofstrategicinfluence.com/spam/
That link kills spam[/size][/b][/u]

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xkcd follower
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:01 pm UTC

A cultist group sees you as a threat and kill you. This ignites a war over your dead body.

I again cease to exist.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:54 pm UTC

You're dead, again.

I flee aboard Battlestar Pegasus, fighting the winning against the space raptors.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Mon Dec 12, 2011 3:39 pm UTC

The raptor Special Operation Team has already infiltrated Battlestar Pegasus, and is waiting for you.

I upload myself to the internet, and hide in an MMO.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:46 pm UTC

You're pwned by a grue.

I turn myself into an A.I. uploaded into the Earth itself.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Mon Dec 12, 2011 8:45 pm UTC

The raptors get very hungry, and eat the earth.

I become a consciousness embedded in the fabric of spacetime.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:03 pm UTC

Time is altered by the raptors, kicking you out back to reality. You are then eaten.

I hide inside the TARDIS and go back in time before raptors. There, I start life again and make sure no raptors form this time.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:45 pm UTC

Raptors never evolve. Instead, they are created in a laboratory in 3062. They take over the earth, develop time travel, and proceed to take over all of time. Thus they find and eat you.

I infect all raptors with an uncurable disease that will kill them within two minutes. Then I create and move to an exact copy of the earth, except that there are no raptors on it. Then I seal said copy in a time-lock, which nothing can enter or exit. There, I lock myself in a bunker at the south pole, with enough supplies to last hundreds of years. The bunker is equipped with topmodern defense technology, and can withstand even a nuke from orbit. Among the defenses is a raptorkilling field, which will kill any raptor that attempts to come within 2 km. I have special medications in the bunker which allow me to stay awake indefinitely, so I don't have to sleep (thus eliminating the possibility of dream raptor attacks)

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:06 am UTC

Raptor see this and brainwash all humans within 1000 miles to kill you for a reward. All humans rise up against you and kill you and give you to the raptors. You are eaten.

I do said plan as stated above, but make it impossible to brainwash the people.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

Meem1029
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Meem1029 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:34 am UTC

They persuade the rhinoceroses to kill you instead.

I climb a tree to escape the raptors.
cjmcjmcjmcjm wrote:If it can't be done in an 80x24 terminal, it's not worth doing

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thorgold
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby thorgold » Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:49 am UTC

The raptors imitate your actions and learn to climb. You are messily devoured.

I hide in a building made of glass. The raptors can't decide which window to burst through in a dramatic entrance, giving me ample time to shoot them from the roof.
You can refuse to think, but you can't refuse the consequences of not thinking.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:47 am UTC

The raptors simply bomb it, shattering your body and your dreams of survival. You are eaten after they find the remains.

I use knowledge against them!
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:47 pm UTC

They become knowledgable and still manage to eat you.

I call shenanigans on the raptors.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Tue Dec 13, 2011 7:36 pm UTC

They call antishenanigans on you and eat you still.

I play soothing music for them to distract them.

(Blackhatsupporter, nice signature. I play it on the piano)
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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bug sniper
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby bug sniper » Tue Dec 13, 2011 7:58 pm UTC

One of the raptors barely got out of a fight alive and lost both ears. That raptor was angry enough to eat you in the least pleasant way possible.

bug sniper wrote:I am a raptorvore. The end of my tongue is a human-shaped lure. It has the human scent and even has a hat. I am big enough to eat the largest raptors alive.


I forgot to mention that my tongue and skin are reinforced with steel and are impervious to reptile teeth, lasers, nukes, guns, and any weapon raptors can make from their pathetic little rebellion.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
-Dungeon Crawl.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:31 pm UTC

The raptors see through your lure, and leave you alone. You starve to death.

I fight the raptors with their old nemesis: METEORS! It worked once against them, it can work again.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:05 pm UTC

The raptors send Bruce Willis to space to stop Armageddon from the Deep Impact from happening.

I invent Raptor Repellant(tm).
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:34 pm UTC

... but you forgot to use it. The raptors eat you.

I prove that raptors can't exist, making them disappear in a puff of logic.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:23 pm UTC

As they disappear, your proof also proves you don't exist and YOU vanish in a puff of logic.

I find and use the anti-raptor spray and go supply hunting.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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xkcd follower
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:36 pm UTC

It wears off and you run out of bullets. You are helplessly surrounded and eaten.

I AM a raptor. Raptors do not kill their own kind. Instead, I help to eat other humans that stand in OUR way. I know all your tricks, so they do not work on me!
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

lewisjb3
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby lewisjb3 » Thu Dec 15, 2011 12:29 pm UTC

You die of old age and the raptors eat you.

I hack into the raptor's network and type 'sudo rm -r *' at the root.
Good thing the raptors use unix. I run away while they reconstruct their network

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:10 pm UTC

A lucky shot from a human survivor kills you.

I sneak around with a rechargable laser sniper, picking off raptors and finding food and water.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:20 am UTC

Even though it is rechargeable, it runs out of energy during a small skirmish. Your weakness with no food or water leaves you unable to fight off the now ever growing numbers of raptors.

I promise to serve them as a spy for my entire life, ratting out others. By the time they do not need a spy anymore, I would have been dead for over 100 years, finding all humans (Except in the larger crowds) and giving them to raptors.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:08 am UTC

They believe you to be a double agent, and eat you as a precaution.

I set up a million raptor traps all around me and I sit in a clearing, with the traps all set around me. Good luck raptors.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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xkcd follower
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:38 am UTC

Raptors do an air raid. You have the choice to stay and die, or run through the traps and set them all off, but still die.

I do prank calls to them all. As they are distracted, I run.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:43 am UTC

You run, and promptly get caught in the millions of raptor traps that madjo has set out. You did of starvation.

I craft an undetectability cloak, ensuring that the raptors don't notice me. Then I sit down and eat chips.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:03 pm UTC

You run out of food and have to leave the safety of the cloak. They see you and kill you promptly.

I call shananigans!
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:36 am UTC

the raptors are unimpressed, and eat you.


I offer delicious food, but only one raptor at a time, I put them all in a single line, and serve them food for free. I'm guarded by an automatic laser, that can't hurt me, but will incinerate any raptors that pose a threat to my well-being.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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BlackHatSupport
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Location: Wherever you aren't.

Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:04 pm UTC

The laser is inhabited by an A.I. who decided to shoot and incinerate you, then the raptors eat your ashes.

I offer all the raptors a starring role in Jurassic Park, provided they din't eat me I'll help them be stars.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:49 pm UTC

The raptors don't like jurrasic park due to its specist (racist, just with species instead of races) portrayal of raptors - they are presented as far too violent and bloodhungry in the movie, the raptors claim. They proceed to messily hunt, kill and devour you.

I invert all the raptors, turning them into srotpar. They are now cute, cuddly, and have no desire to kill anyone.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Mon Dec 19, 2011 4:16 pm UTC

They are cute and cuddly, but their desire to kill makes them all the more vicious. They can kill with faster dexterity and more speed. They trick you into picking one up and eat you.

I make a sphere of antimatter. It constantly gives off antimatter and kills anything in a 50 lightyear radius from the core. The core holds a population of 10000 humans and enough supplies to last generations. Nothing can teleport in or destroy the sphere itself. There is plenty of room and the sphere produces enough energy to last forever.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

RubbishyUsername
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby RubbishyUsername » Mon Dec 19, 2011 4:32 pm UTC

A Lord of the Flies style insurrection insures that you die anyway. Piggy turns into a raptor and eats your remains.

I remove all verbs from the universe, ensuring that nothing can ever happen, including death.

mathgeek17
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby mathgeek17 » Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:36 am UTC

You make the mistake of letting some really fat guy inside and he is just so massive that it causes the antimatter sphere to collapse in on itself and leaves you all vulnerable to the raptors.

I activate socialism.

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orangedragonfire
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Location: It exists. Probably.

Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:53 pm UTC

The raptors reject you political view, and substitute their own: raptors-eating-humans-ism. They then enact their political views.

I fire continuous fireworks in order to distract the raptors, so that they can't do anything and eventually starve to death.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:49 pm UTC

They dislike your fireworks and still eat you.

I use the Power of Persuasion to persuade them not to eat me. They are helpless to resist.
Afterwards, supplies are easy to find.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:51 pm UTC

The raptors find the supplies first. You starve.

I change the atmosphere so that it is breathable for humans, but poisonous for raptors.

blademan9999
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby blademan9999 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:44 am UTC

The raptors all have gas masks, they rip you apart.

I move to Soviet Russia, where people eat raptors.
http://officeofstrategicinfluence.com/spam/
That link kills spam[/size][/b][/u]

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:41 pm UTC

Russian people are raptors too.

I make a wish that'll remove all raptors from the planet I'm on.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

User avatar
xkcd follower
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Joined: Thu May 26, 2011 11:13 pm UTC

Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:27 pm UTC

Raptors make a wish at the exact same time wishing for raptors to never leave the planet. They cancel each other out and you are now screwed.

I freeze time. Nothing can unfreeze it and everything is in its perpetual state of never moving. Nothing can change now.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.


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