Escape from Raptors

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Thu Dec 22, 2011 2:37 pm UTC

The Time Lord Raptors unfreeze time and you are devoured.

I escape by uploading my intelligence into a network of computers, buried at random locations all over the planet.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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Bartimaeus
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Bartimaeus » Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:57 am UTC

They find them with metal detectors!

I make them think I am one of them using a clever cloaking contraption.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Fri Dec 23, 2011 5:17 am UTC

Your disguise accidentally blows off during a storm. They see you and eat you shortly after.

I use Internet Explorer programs to stop them from accessing ANY computer on the planet. With no information, they are unable to coordinate attacks and are unable to kill the now organized humans. Humans kill the raptors easily with better equipment as no raptor can communicate a plan of attack. We all live.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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Bartimaeus
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Bartimaeus » Fri Dec 23, 2011 6:40 am UTC

A few raptors, communication via simple radios, evade the forces of humanity and survive. Over time, they rebuild their numbers in secrecy. When the time is right, they strike back. Thinking that the raptor threat was finished, the human race, weakened from the original raptor attack, have developed a completely peaceful society. Completely unprepared, you and any other humans are wiped out entirely, this time for good.

I move to the moon where there are no raptors.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Fri Dec 23, 2011 1:06 pm UTC

The raptors, annoyed with the changing water tides, decide to blow up the moon.

I hide behind William Shatner, who's 'singing' a song called "Common people".
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Fri Dec 23, 2011 5:21 pm UTC

He ends the song, then is eaten. You are found and eaten too.

I defeat SOPA and PIPA, bills introduced secretly by Raptors, thus allowing us to survive that much longer.

"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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Bartimaeus
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Bartimaeus » Sun Dec 25, 2011 3:41 am UTC

The raptors wait a moment, then kill you.

I hide somewhere safe.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Sun Dec 25, 2011 1:04 pm UTC

You are found and eaten. The safe spot you hid was in the belly of a raptor.

I throw bagels at them.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Sun Dec 25, 2011 1:20 pm UTC

Then eat the bagels in mid-air, then eat you.

I disapprove so strongly of raptors that they cannot possible ignore it.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Sun Dec 25, 2011 2:43 pm UTC

They ignore you after thy eat you.

I wish them a Merry Christmas.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Mon Dec 26, 2011 2:28 pm UTC

They eat you for christmas dinner, and congratulate you on your excellent taste.

I hide behind a huge pile of presents.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Mon Dec 26, 2011 7:03 pm UTC

They begin to open the pile and spot you. They eat you and then continue with the gifts.

I make them disappear with my magic and keep them all from ever coming back. No way they ever return.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:34 pm UTC

You only turned them invisible. An invisible raptor starts nibbling on your legs.

I set up a cinema, playing all extended Lord of the Rings movies on repeat, meanwhile I wear my raptor proof suit.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby bug sniper » Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:02 am UTC

Your suit is not volcano-proof. The raptors carry you into an active and lower you on a rope. You get fried and your suit partially melts. The remainder of your suit adds a nice crunch to your taste.

My house is made up entirely of tiles that have "Elbereth" engraved into them. Like in Nethack, the raptors will not be able to enter those tiles or attack me when I'm on them. My house has a hundred food rations to hunger isn't a concern for me.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
-Dungeon Crawl.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Wed Dec 28, 2011 8:12 pm UTC

The door is unlocked, and they open it. They eat your food rations then eat you.

I make a ball of a special gel material. Anything that touches it on the outside dies and gets stuck to the ball. The added stuff then becomes goo itself and the cycle continues. Inside of the ball is me and a few hundred people living on plentiful rations, food, water, air, and space. There is enough supplies and resources, not to mention basic needs and anything else, to last 150 years. Nothing can teleport in or out, so nothing escapes or ever breaks through. The gel cannot be altered or destroyed in any way
EVERYthing gets turned into gel when it touches, even radiation.

Ther living place is on a gyroscopic ball so everything is always facing up. There is never anyone upside down. Everything is 100% efficient and nothing is wasted. Good luck.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

Kain
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Kain » Thu Dec 29, 2011 1:39 am UTC

Unfortunately, you somehow live to 169, and die of starvation when the last of the rationed food runs out. Pity. Meanwhile, the goo ball rapidly accumulates enough mass (due to the absorbtion and alteration of radiation) to collapse into a black hole. The goo ball is thus within its own event horizon, and no longer spreads. The raptors, meanwhile, know how to enter singularilites at ease, and decide that eventually they will get around to eating you.

I survive by virtue of being uninteresting, non-appetizing, and non-threatening to every raptor and raptor derivative
Look, you know it's serious when a bunch of people in full armor and gear come charging in to fight a pond of chickens - Steax

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Thu Dec 29, 2011 1:07 pm UTC

By being uninteresting, they choose not to share food or water with you and thus you die of dehydration.

I Hide in pillows.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

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orangedragonfire
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Location: It exists. Probably.

Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Thu Dec 29, 2011 1:24 pm UTC

The raptors Find You in pillows.

I summon myself into a indestructible world without raptor in which death does not exist, so I can never die. Then I sever all ties from this world to any other, so nothing and noone can enter of exit it.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:52 pm UTC

You grow old and weak, and lonely, and you have worn out your extremities.

I just stand in the middle of the field, doing nothing in particular.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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orangedragonfire
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Location: It exists. Probably.

Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:43 pm UTC

The raptors, too, do nothing in particular. For a raptor, that means eating you.

I learn acting, and hide by playing a tree.

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Bartimaeus
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Bartimaeus » Sun Jan 01, 2012 8:29 pm UTC

They chop it down for firewood, accidentally killing you.

I am death.

tomtom2357
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby tomtom2357 » Mon Jan 02, 2012 6:42 am UTC

By the definition of death, you are dead. Therefore, you die.
I build myself a titanium steel hideout with enough supplies for 500 years, only way in is through a gate that senses whether you are a human or a raptor (and if it is a raptor the gate kills it).
I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:16 pm UTC

A one way teleports sends a group of raptors to the other side of the gate without having to pass through it. They now eat you.

I become invisible and gain the ability to fly. They cannot see me, track me, or catch me.
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

tomtom2357
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby tomtom2357 » Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:49 pm UTC

then the time vultures who can see ultraviolet light and therefore you, get ya. :mrgreen:
I actually hide in the next room so when the raptors teleport into the first room they can't get into the second room and therefore die for lack f food, and no more raptors come after me.
I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.

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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby xkcd follower » Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:47 pm UTC

They tear down the walls and get to the next room.

I use Tor to hide my location and disappear behind a curtain of other proxies. They cannot locate my taunting now!
"Religion is the Opiate of the Masses"- Karl Marx

That means we need a cure... Or go Cold Turkey.

curtis95112
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby curtis95112 » Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:00 am UTC

They just destroy Earth and everyone on it.

I Banach-Tarski myself into infinitely many copies
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:
Tyndmyr wrote:
Роберт wrote:Sure, but at least they hit the intended target that time.

Well, if you shoot enough people, you're bound to get the right one eventually.

Thats the best description of the USA ever.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:16 am UTC

The infinite copies of you are so heavy together that they form a black hole, get sucked in, and all die.

I explain to the raptors that eating all humans at once would be a terrible waste of resources, and that they should keep me alive for breeding purposes.

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cjquines
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby cjquines » Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:45 pm UTC

Raptors speak Raptor talk, not English. Unless you wanted me to translate that: grrrraaaaaarrrrggggrraaaahhhhhh arrrrrrr ya ku ya grrraaagghhh grarrrghhhhtayaaaaaaaahhhhhgggrrrrrrrrrraaaaaatttttrrrrrrrr *spit*

Carry Nuke.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:54 pm UTC

Nuke misfires. Slightly less hungry raptors.

I tranform into an artificially intelligent tank, completely inedible. Aim-Bang-Boom.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Mon Jan 16, 2012 1:45 pm UTC

Inanimate objects are by definition not alive, so therefore, you are already dead. And given that a tank has a very big blind spot behind itself, the raptors sneak up on you, and you can't kill them with your turret, because they are already inside, and are now pulling wires left and right, making sure you stay dead.

I make some food that's incredible addictive to raptors, and only I know the secret recipe, I barter a deal with them. If they let me live, I'll keep making this addictive food for them, free of charge.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:00 pm UTC

They eat you and steal the recipe.

I transform myself into a massive group of organisms similar to the Flood.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:26 am UTC

The raptors have found the nuclear arsenal, and don't fully understand what that does, and just press the shiny red button starting the explosion. Unfortunately for you, you were right next to the hangar that held the nuclear weapons. Your Flood of organisms were obliterated in that blast.

The gamma radiation from that blast has turned me into the Hulk, making me stronger than any raptor on earth. I start tearing through the hordes of raptors surrounding me.
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.

VBthesmall
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby VBthesmall » Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:06 pm UTC

Yes making you stronger than any Raptor on Earth. But not stronger than the infamous space raptors that comes down and eats you for lunch.

Bruce Schneier. Nuff said

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BlackHatSupport
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby BlackHatSupport » Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:09 pm UTC

The Raptors learn SWARM ATTACK. You can't get them all.

I die.
Avenger_7 wrote:You are entitled to your opinion though. Even though it's wrong.

Fire Brns
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Fire Brns » Tue Jan 17, 2012 9:37 pm UTC

You lose.

I capture a velociraptor and transfer my brain with it's but retain it's memories so I can blend seamlessly in with the other ones. I then kill the raptor in my original body so that it cannot warn the others.
Pfhorrest wrote:As someone who is not easily offended, I don't really mind anything in this conversation.
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:It was the Renaissance. Everyone was Italian.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:51 pm UTC

A raptor spy was watching you. The raptors transfer you back into a human body and kill you.

I hack the universe and set the parameter num_of_raptors to zero.

Fire Brns
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Fire Brns » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:44 am UTC

Two options:
1) You leave a hole in the firewall, a crazed lunatic thinking that the raptor uprising will bring about the return of his god has his cult reset the num_of_raptors to (a=a+1). You are overwhelmed before you can reset it.
2) The raptors expecting that hacked in before you and renamed num_of_raptors to num_of_people and vice versa; you commited suicide.

I hide in my bricked up window house with raptor-proof doorknobs.
Pfhorrest wrote:As someone who is not easily offended, I don't really mind anything in this conversation.
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:It was the Renaissance. Everyone was Italian.

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orangedragonfire
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby orangedragonfire » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:52 am UTC

Turns out the house was originally designed by raptors. They included a secret passage you don't know about. They use this to sneak into your house and eat you.

I claim a piece of raptor-free land through the cunning use of flags.

Fire Brns
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby Fire Brns » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:55 am UTC

I should get that but I don't remember. Help?
According to property laws you only own the surface; the raptors tunnel underneath your land until you fall through and then they get you.

I go back in time and make sure I am born a raptor so that I was never a human for them to kill in the first place.
Pfhorrest wrote:As someone who is not easily offended, I don't really mind anything in this conversation.
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:It was the Renaissance. Everyone was Italian.

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madjo
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Re: Escape from Raptors

Postby madjo » Wed Jan 18, 2012 2:04 pm UTC

Unfortunately, the raptors have deemed timetravel illegal, and they retroactively kill you for your transgressions on the Time Law.

I crown myself king over all raptordom and write a new law: "you shall not kill or eat madjo, if attempted, you shall be put to death by your peers."
:)

You are carrying:
- a slightly paranoid Android
- two left feet (not my own)
- a still unfed and very hungry hippo
- broadsword of +5 ridiculousness stained with the blood of the undead souls
- a stetson Resistol, cuz stetson Resistols are cool.


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