Escape from Raptors

[The Hyphenator]

They... eat you.

I edit Wikipedia to say raptors of all kinds don't exist, and never did.

[Vieto]

unfortunately, Jurassic Park 4 is made, causing raptors to come into existence again, and eat you.

I am a smiley. the only way a raptor can hurt me is if they post a raptor smiley in the next post

[Sykotic1189]

Close enough



I build a spaceship that can stand the extreme temperatures of the sun and live in there where the raptors cannot go.

[Megatriorchis]

The raptors snuck onto your spaceship while you weren't looking and they kill you when you get to the sun.

I set up my home at the top of an 80-foot tree and make the tree unclimbable by welding slippery metal covers onto the trunk.

[LordMantir]

The raptors dig underneath the tree and drilkl up the middle, catching you off-guard.

I kill a raptor and hide in it's skin.

[Vieto]

a raptor sniffs you out, and eats you.

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[quintopia]

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I bump the thread so hard, all the raptors are jostled off a cliff like lemmings.

[Cytoplasm]

But since the raptors work in a team they come back to the thread and get you.

A get a small private jet with many supplies to The Efteling and find a secure place where they can't get me (like on top of a roller coaster or something).

[Azrael001]

They use their T-Rex allies to knock down the ride.

I kill all of the raptors and their close relations, and their friends, and their acquaintances etc.

[quintopia]

Space raptors descend to kill you and repopulate the planet.

I install a giant machine in the middle of the raptor nesting areas that broadcasts a fear field so strong it causes all raptors to know fear. Then I scare them to death.

[The Moo Prophet]

Your plan seems to be going well until it becomes apparent that the Fear Field is causing you to know a great deal more fear than the raptors. They scare you to death first, then create an anti-fear-field field-generator and use it to move close to and disassemble your fear field generator. The Raptors now possess a Fear Gun, so they can scare you to death before you ever know they are there.

I invent a transmogrifier and transmogrify myself into a 60 foot tall raptor. I defeat all of the normal raptors and live in raptor-free paradise.

[InstinctSage]

By transforming into a raptor, you have become one of them and lost all that was once you. Realising this horrible fact, you lock yourself away to mire in your depression until the raptors repopulate and get tired of you bumming them out. They eat you, and you welcome death in your self loathing state.

I create a giant bubble made of cubic zirconium, and fill it with oxygen, food, and whores. I ballast it to sink several thousand feet in the inky darkness of the atlantic, and have an endless disco party.

[quintopia]

The sea raptors penetrate your stately pleasure dome with a diamond drill. You drown.

Any time the raptors come near, I tell them they lost twenty dollars and my self respect. When they realize it's true, they skulk away in dejection.

[badgerzilla]

The sonic waves from them yelling obscenities at you are sufficiently strong enough to make your brain a splode.

I dress up in a lettuce costume. The raptors, uninterested in vegetables, ignore me, and I gradually build up a large enough powerbase of stolen nukes/weapons/SCO code to destroy them all (or at least put them in legal danger).

[Vieto]

Like all species, there are Vegetarian Raptors.

I am the raptors! resistance is futile!

[Blubb3r3ng3l]

Dawning realization that, on the other end of the scale from vegetarian raptors, there are cannibalistic ones too...

I run into a commercial pigpen, put a gash on my forehead, and overdose on sleeping pills and cyanide, with the obvious hope that the pigs will eat my corpse before the raptors can desecrate my body.

[Vieto]

your hopes aren't realized.

I ascend above the raptors, and become their deity.

[quintopia]

Raptors worship their god with a ritual sacrifice of his current manifestation. The ritual primarily consists of tearing him limb from limb and fighting over who gets the largest pieces. Many raptors die in this process, but it's quite a spectacle.

I make a bubble shield powered by geothermal energy in the middle of Yellowstone Park. When raptors come near, I trigger the catastrophic supervolcano event.

[Vieto]

The raptors contain the supervolcano with their own bubble shield, which are powered by the supercolcano as well.
etid: ninja'd
eitd: unninja'd?


I wage Guerrilla Warfare on the raptors, executing tactics more cunning than that of them.

[Megatriorchis]

It's a dud. It doesn't work out how you plan. Nothing but hot water spews out, and what's a little hot water to raptors who have situated themselves on high ground?

I find a cave with an underground river and rig it so that when a living things steps in it, it gets electrocuted. I find an air pocket deep below the cave, far away from where the raptors can get to me.

[Azrael001]

The raptor drill from above you and cause a cave in.

I atomize myself using the LHC t obash myself to bits. This doesn't leave enough of me left for the raptors to even notice, let alone eat.

[quintopia]

You are absorbed into the bloodstream of a raptor. You make it angry.

I direct a 40 bajilliwatt coherent beam of light at the raptor centroid.

[Vieto]

since none of the raptors are at the centroid, you miss, and they eat you.

I Stump the Raptors with this: http://xkcd.com/135/. They are all too busy trying to solve it, to use at their own advantage, and they puzzle over question 3 especially, as there is no back, and hence, they can't solve it, so they are stuck there for eternity. Meanwhile, I shoot meteors at them.

[Kain]

The comic raptors inform the regular raptors of the solution to problem 3, and the rare mathematician raptors solve the problems, before eating you. they are then cannibalized by other raptors.

I take off my human disguise and prove that my crew nickname of VR did not just stand for very retarded. I then join in with the cannibal raptors in their devouring of the vegetarian and vegan raptors, then, once their numbers are lessened, lead them to the devouring of the latest raptor god encarnation. I use my raptorness to get them all into the deadliest part of the carnage, while staying nice and safe on the outskirts.

Once the cannibal raptors are mostly killed, I convince the emo T-rexes to kill off the survivors, by telling the rexes that the cannibal raptors do understand them (as the emo rexes believe that no one understands them, they destroy the cannibal raptors to be right).

Finally, I join in on the fun of devouring the next human to post.

[Vieto]

Of course, a raptor was behind you when you were plotting that, and you turned around, ready to begin your scheme, and you get ambushed.

I become neutral, so the raptors can't attack me with-out ruing their reputation.

[Kain]

I eat you out of spite, and to recover from the rather painful injury of being ambushed from behind before I could remove my human costume.

I complete my plan as before, with the slight modification of ensuring that my human costume is fully removed before i can be ambushed again, and doing the following before it...
eat any raptor that tries to eat me while recovering from ambush injury (and by eating them, regaining all my raptor strength)
eat vieto's soul for seeing the flaw in my previous plan (which I also saw, but only after I posted)
determine whether it violates the raptor code to edit a post.


At the end, add in "systemattically eat anyone who tries to convince other raptors to eat me, but spare those that come up with a good response not involving cannibal raptors of any sort." (spare, in this context, is not to be taken as an actual guarantee of one's safety, nor is the promise to be actually believed)

[Vieto]

I reincarnate as a t-rex in an F-14, and I blow you up, as well as the rest of Raptor Kind, with an infinite supply of fuel, missiles, and energy.

[Kain]

Your infinite quantity of mass (fuel) and energy in one location causes your implosion into a big bang, long before you can initiate your plans. One the plus side, the big bang you create annihilates 50% of all universes you existed in, by overlaying onto them.

I continue to exist as explained in previous posts, unfortunantly only in 50% of the circumstances as before (not quite accurate, but, eh.).

[Tillan]

The space raptors have technology far suppasing that of your F14. They kill you.

I for one, welcome our new Raptor Overlords.

Ninjaed - This forum is in one of the universes you dont exist in.

[Kain]

We eat you, and your open arms.

[quintopia]

I fire another 40 bajilliwatt laser blast at the raptor centroid, this time pointing out that such a powerful laser obviously has the same radius as the sun, so it really doesn't matter whether the raptors are there. Also, the albedo of earth is sufficient to reflect it to kill any space raptors currently in-system. Luckily, I'm in my FTL ship firing the laser, and the giant chickens known as raptors have not figured out FTL yet. So, I can run away as soon as I fire and they'll never catch me!

Also, if they do catch me, I have injected myself with a virus that modifies raptor DNA so that
1) they produce more of the virus and
2) they become incredibly sex-crazed and
3) when enough raptors come together in one place, they all spontaneously die.

(oh, and I have included certain phrases in this message that blinds raptors, so that they will never know that I have this virus, because they can never read about it)

[Vieto]

The raptors build a giant mirror at the centroid, which bounces back the blast, and kills you, preventing you from virusing them.

I make a voodoo doll with raptor DNA in it, and I kill the voodoo, killing every single raptor at once.

[quintopia]

Raptors don't believe in voodoo.

I kill you with my bare hands (never mind the raptors!) for telling the raptors about my laser plan. They wouldn't have known to build the mirror if not for you! The raptors give me a temporary reprieve from attacks because they don't like tattlers either.

Oh, and in the meantime the raptors launch an infinite-fuel irresistible-force missile designed to sniff out NP. It cannot be destroyed (because it is made out of the same stuff as their mirror--everything reflects off), or, since it is irresistible, blocked.

[Vieto]

of course, the raptors remember it wasn't I that told them, it was the Tyrannasaurus Rex's that did it. So they just eat you.

I trap the missile, PP, and all of the raptors in an inescapable, closed bubble in space/time. This follows all of your limitations.

I then relax, knowing I am safe from raptors.

[pyrodude150]

and all of the raptors in an inescapable, closed bubble in space/time.

[offtopic] dude you stole that from attack and defend from quintopia

also, this thread is suprisingly similar to att/def. and yet it is not locked... hmmm, prob because randal approves of raptor humor [/offtopic]

the raptors reproduce and pop teh bubble, find you, and eat you.

I dress up in a raptor disguise and assimilate myself among the pack

[Kain]

I eat you.

I unfortunantly catch "human" from you... I use the five minutes of confusion among my former raptormates to go into that place that no raptor can go (thats right, im the kwizatch haderitch raptor)

[Vieto]

and all of the raptors in an inescapable, closed bubble in space/time.

[offtopic] dude you stole that from attack and defend from quintopia

[also offtopic] ok, maybe I did... but fight warp-bubbles with warp-bubbles, I say.

Of course, the T-rex's in F-14's can go there. They then make it Raptorable. You lose quickly.

I hire Zombie-Ninja-Pirate-Robots to attack the Raptors, as I watch from the sidelines.

[Kain]

stealth ninja pirate raptors eat the robots

i use kwizatch haderitch raptor powers to guide the future in such a way as to make me indestructable... and raptor proof... and hidden in the place that they cannot look.

[Vieto]

The raptors head back in time. While you are not eaten in the future, you are eaten in the past, creating a paradox, removing the future where you are safe.

I zombify the raptors, making them slower than me, and giving me a chance to mow them over with my tank.

[Kain]

the zombie raptors gradually pile up around your tank until it is stuck. you are consumed, though your brain is left untouched, so you can feel the agony of your impending death

if i dont exist anymore, I cant be killed... hooray paradoxes