xkcd

by **bug sniper** » Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:57 am UTC

Your plan seems to work well, until a giant asteroid collision changes Pluto's orbit to an extremely eccentric ellipse that crosses Earth's orbit. The planets collide and the Earth is, once again, overrun with hungry raptors.

I happen to know that reality is nothing more than a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Having such an arrangement, I, through the 4th wall, beg the DM to save me from the raptors.

by **matt96** » Sun Jul 15, 2012 3:31 am UTC

You roll a natural 1 on your avoid being killed by raptors throw, needless to say, you die an extremely painful, raptor filled death.

I hire the A-Team to keep me safe from the raptors.

by **Bartimaeus** » Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:46 am UTC

You accidentally hire the B-Team, who are easily defeated.

I learn to dance, thus entertaining the raptors.

by **Sean Quixote** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:03 pm UTC

The raptors eat the DJ and the music stops. Lacking a beat with which to get down and funky, you hesitate for a single instant and are eaten.

I develop a nihilist attitude and pretend to stop caring about being eaten.

by **eculc** » Sat Aug 04, 2012 5:25 am UTC

you still get eaten. just because you don't care, doesn't mean it won't happen!

I fly away from the raptors in a cool-looking helicopter while explosions go off in the background. The view fades to black and white text appears saying that I have escaped the raptors and secured my freedom.

by **Lawsome** » Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:51 pm UTC

That is, of course, raptor propaganda, designed to give the public a false sense of security.

In reality, you were eaten alive.

I turn into a raptor.

by **thorgold** » Mon Aug 06, 2012 5:49 am UTC

Alas, raptors are equally adept at hunting birds of prey as they are humans. While you are devoured, take heart in the fact that you denied a considerable amount of body mass / food to your killers.

I digitize myself and hide in the Internet.

by **Bartimaeus** » Mon Aug 06, 2012 5:51 am UTC

It turns out the Raptors are actually the "trolls." You meet a fate far worse than if you had remained a being of flesh.

I turn the raptors into sand.

by **orangedragonfire** » Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:51 am UTC

The sandraptors retain all capabilities they had when they were normal raptors; they are just much harder to kill now. The capabilities they have includes eating you.

I throw all the raptors into a black hole.

by **bug sniper** » Sun Aug 19, 2012 7:37 am UTC

Black holes are several hundred light years away, so you won't be able to send them there in your lifetime. So you compromise and paint the manhole black, and throw the raptors into the sewers through it. A few weeks later, the raptors burst out of everyone's toilets and eat you when you're ready to use the bathroom.

I create a portal in time that takes me back one day in time. I enter it every day and live my entire life within the time span of one day.

by **bug sniper** » Sat Oct 13, 2012 10:16 am UTC

Eventually, I get tired of time-travelling and jump into a raptor's mouth.

by **marionic** » Sat Oct 13, 2012 2:15 pm UTC

Uh... oh. Wow. The raptors got you already. Gosh.

I get a shield and sword and fight them the old fashioned way!

by **bug sniper** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 1:20 am UTC

The raptors chew up your sword like a stick of licorice, and then your shield like a strip of beef jerky, and your head like a chocolate malt ball.

I turn left at the sign that says that raptors are to the right.

by **eculc** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:46 am UTC

the raptors put that sign there to make people do exactly what you did. they are waiting down the left path for you, and eat you.

I travel back in time to kill the first raptor, thus preventing all future raptors from ever existing.

by **marionic** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 4:46 pm UTC

The raptors knew you'd do that from the start and took the first raptor into the future replacing it with an irrelevant raptor. Though you manage to kill it, they then send back an army of raptors to kill you, then put the first raptor back in place, and breed with it, giving its offspring the super intelligence that they possess, and training them to time travel to counter your actions.

I hide inside a dead raptor.

by **bug sniper** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 2:24 am UTC

The raptors usually just throw their corpses into the ocean. To escape drowning, you push your way out of the raptor, and swim to shore, where the raptors are waiting for you.

I live on an island in a lake filled with alligators. I have a lot of food stashed up, and I've set up an aerial weapon defense system that will destroy space raptors and nuke-carrying planes with regenerating surface-to-air missile munitions.

by **marionic** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 8:21 am UTC

You're bad at building and the defence system falls to pieces. The raptors draw in and go for the kill...

I disable the movement of the raptors.

by **bug sniper** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 9:16 pm UTC

What happens next depends on what you've done.

If you've given them a physical disability, they can still crawl and eat you. If you user conveyor belts, they run too fast. If you do it with walls, they climb over them. Similar things happen with other methods.

I gather together a large group of survivors, and equip them with neurotoxin-coated wolverine claws. First, we test them by giving them live squirrels from my squirrel traps. If anyone tries to eat the squirrels, we will kill that raptor. What are the chances that a hungry raptor won't eat a squirrel? Then we sleep, guard, and hunt for food in shifts.

by **eculc** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:19 pm UTC

the raptors eat you instead of the squirrels.

s/raptor/pancakes

by **bug sniper** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:44 pm UTC

You forgot the fact that, as I mentioned in my plans, I was going to kill the pancakes who eat the squirrels. If a pancake tries to eat me instead of the squirrel, I could kill that pancake in the same way. The squirrel test is only used to rat out the disguised pancakes.

You get eaten by a ravenous pancake.

My plan remains the same.

by **marionic** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:41 pm UTC

You are unable to kill the pancakes, uh, raptors, as the neurotoxin paralyses you.

I turn into a raptor. It's not a disguise, I literally am a pure raptor, and have no differences whatsoever, I don't even have my own thoughts or memories or anything like that.

by **mieulium** » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:06 pm UTC

You get into a fight with this dude raptor for eyeing his chick. You sustain massive injuries and bleed out.

I build a sonic device that paralyses the raptors with pain.

by **marionic** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:10 am UTC

Because they are paralysed they can't stop themselves falling... onto you.

I get a cheat for unlimited ammo and spin around firing two machine guns forever!

by **snowyowl** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:05 am UTC

The raptors attack you from above.

I hack into the Master Control Raptor and disable it.

by **marionic** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:25 pm UTC

It turns out there's no such thing as a Master Control Raptor. They tricked you and are now killing you.

I set up a mine field and live in an explosion-proof and raptor-proof house in the centre of the field, with a cannon firing bombs upwards and diagonally upwards to prevent aerial attacks, and mines below the house that prevent them from digging their way in. I also have a hundred year supply of food.

by **eculc** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:09 pm UTC

the raptors build a trojan raptor that they give to you as a gift of peace. they attack you from within your house when you go to sleep.

I hire a team of movie protagonists to protect me. Since they're movie protagonists, they can't be killed.

by **marionic** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:54 pm UTC

They're actually raptors in disguise.

I disprove the existence raptors.

by **Vytron** » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:48 am UTC

In order to disprove the existence of raptors, you had to disprove the existence of everything, which looked like a good compromise at the time, but at the point you disproved your own existence, there was noone to disprove anything, so everything popped back into existence at that point, including raptors.

I assume a contradictory axiom and use the Principle of Explosion to derive a way to escape from raptors, then do it. Then I do the same to derive the phone number of the mother of the next poster, and ask her for a date. She accepts.

by **marionic** » Fri Oct 26, 2012 10:59 am UTC

It was actually a raptor answering the phone. Poor gullible Vytron...

I take a rocket to Mars.

by **eculc** » Fri Oct 26, 2012 11:18 pm UTC

Didn't you know that mars is the raptors' home planet?

I Conceive a method of permanently escaping the raptors and keeping myself alive for an indefinite amount of time. Due to the lack of specifics in my post, the raptors are unable to counterattack until my plan is already in action, by which point it will be too late to stop me.

by **XTCamus** » Sat Oct 27, 2012 2:03 am UTC

Your "indefinite amount of time" was slightly, and fatally, less than you had assumed.

I take on the form of the prophesied Alpha Raptor and learn from the voluptuous and soon-to-be-Queen of the Raptors, on what we both need to do to find a new, better way together.

by **marionic** » Sat Oct 27, 2012 5:22 pm UTC

The humans trying to survive kill you.

I kill the prophesied Alpha Raptor.

by **Vytron** » Sun Oct 28, 2012 9:25 pm UTC

The raptors, seeing that their Alpha is dead, go into hiding, waiting, for the second coming of the prophesied Alpha raptor. Congratulations! You have escaped from the raptors! Unfortunately, it didn't last long, two hours later the second coming happened, and it killed you by the way. What, did you expect more than 2000 years of peace, or something?

I build a time machine and set it to travel infinitely to the future until all raptors have extinguished.

by **marionic** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 2:43 pm UTC

Unfortunately your "time machine" is just a box for you to wait in forever. The raptors eat it with you inside...

I blast bad music at the raptors to freak them out.

by **Vytron** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:19 pm UTC

The raptors love bad music, actually, it's one of their weapons. They dance to it happily and kill you in a choreographic manner.

I surgically change my body to become a raptor in look and at the DNA level, then I go with the raptors indistinguishable from them. If you can't beat them, join them!

by **BlackHatSupport** » Wed Nov 14, 2012 3:56 pm UTC

The raptors, running out of humans to eat, decide to go cannibal. You are eaten.

I sit on top of a flying island, contemplating the meaning of "raptor" and raining heavy philosophy down on their heads.

by **marionic** » Fri Nov 16, 2012 10:02 am UTC

They eat you, then contemplate the meaning of "raptor".

I use reverse psychology to make the raptors leave me alone.

by **eculc** » Sat Nov 17, 2012 3:27 pm UTC

the raptors don't understand the concept of reverse psychology, so they just eat you.

I escape from the raptors.

by **marionic** » Sat Nov 17, 2012 6:22 pm UTC

The raptors are too fast for you.

I wish for the raptors to seize to exist.

by **eculc** » Sun Nov 18, 2012 6:11 am UTC

unfortunately, since you used "seize" instead of "cease" the raptors, instead of ceasing to exist, seize the concept of existence philosophically. then they eat you.

I use a WMRK (weapon of mass raptor-killing) to instantly kill all raptors while leaving myself and any human survivors (along with anything else that is not a raptor) entirely unharmed.

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