xkcd

by **quintopia** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:13 pm UTC

Ignoring Vieto cuz he was ninja'd. . .

jessebob wrote:i travel to the future where raptors do not exist. there are no other time machiens[sic]

It turns out you were supposed to be the anti-raptor messiah that would save the human race from the raptor threat. Your time machine is one-way only and you die a lonely death in a strange and empty future. Meanwhile, back here in the present, we all die from raptors.

by **Vieto** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 7:29 pm UTC

Fortunately, I teleported the anti-raptor messiah back to our time, and he saved the day.

by **Nobody** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:11 pm UTC

Unfortunately the anti-raptor messiah only managed to save the day; after that he fell over and DIED, the week and the rest of time lost to the raptors. Also there is a safety deposit box that contains a pack of raptors. Unleashing them when the time comes for their population to be replenished. . .

I look after the raptors in the safety deposit box. They realize my value towards their survival as a species and strive to keep me alive.

by **Kain** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:14 pm UTC

The raptors kill and eat you for being ninja'd.

I enlist an army of ninjas to protect me, with each operating individually so as not to deal with the inverse ninja law.

by **Vieto** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 9:01 pm UTC

the raptors ally with the pirates. The pirates draw Ninjas into the open, the raptors eat the ninjas and the pirates. And they neat you.

I bomb the raptors from my zepplin, and use a 1-way elevator in the zeppelin to escape to the next zeppelin when the odds are overwhelming.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:48 am UTC

The next zeppelin hasn't taken off yet.

I resurrect Nobody by running my field generator in reverse on him, because he wasn't actually ninja'd, and he is so thankful he tells the raptors that I am helping guard the safety deposit box and am equally necessary.

by **Vieto** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:02 am UTC

The raptors, thinking me looney, ignore me and eat quintopia.

by **Kain** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:38 am UTC

the crazy stegosaurs trample you... cRaSI!

I play with the very fabric of existance. Not to change anything, mind you, just to play with it. This could have the effect of making me immortal, or it could teleport me into the mouth of a raptor. With chaos, you have to take your chances.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:40 am UTC

Well, I guess you know that probability is always on the raptors' side. You are teleported into the mouth of a raptor.

by **Bulvox** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:27 am UTC

Raptors get you anyway.

I genetically alter myself to have rock-skin, thereby making myself impervious to raptor attacks.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:53 am UTC

The raptors use a diamond drill to flay you and eat your scrumptious soft innards.

by **Vieto** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:45 am UTC

The raptors eat you.

I build a giant magnet that is strong enough to repel anything at a certain radius (and doesn't affect the inside of the sphere). I live a happy life, every raptor that comes close is flung >9000 miles away, due to trace metals in their bodies.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:27 pm UTC

Unfortunately, your happy life is very short. There is a raptor in the sphere with you already.

(NB: This thread does not require you to post a "raptor defense" and a "raptor attack," just one or the other. It really doesn't make sense to post an attack if the person before you did not post a defense.)

by **Vieto** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:53 pm UTC

I divide the raptors by zero.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:52 pm UTC

Everything in the universe becomes a raptor.

by **Nobody** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:54 pm UTC

You induce an error in the programming of life. The world reboots to a minute before you evoked the answer to the equation and the raptors quickly devour every part of you. The repercussions of your actions are that now there the origional amount of raptors.

I show the raptors that they must keep me alive to allow their species to survive.

by **quintopia** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:56 pm UTC

They eat you because no one who gets ninja'd by two minutes could possibly be useful to them.

by **Kain** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:57 pm UTC

I upload my conciousness to the internet. After making sure it is already twisted enough to not die of shock upon facing the vast expanses of perversion.

by **Vieto** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 10:44 pm UTC

the raptors make a virus, that eats your bits, 8 by 8.

build a cryogenic freezing chamber in deep space, with me in it, and I wait out the raptors in it. I discover all science in the mean time, and I find out how to ascend to a plane above the raptors. I do so, and I wipe out all raptors in all time lines in all possible universes.. I then descend back down, and live a long, fruitful life.

by **quintopia** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 12:18 am UTC

But after having ascended, the normal life seems incredibly boring. You start moving up to higher and higher planes until you're on a plane so high that not even the Gods can understand you. You never die because you're beyond death, but you are also friendless. Eventually raptors figure out how to reach your level and they assimilate you.

by **Nobody** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:05 am UTC

Quintopia has been samuraied using a double edged sword from an elite raptor.

I stare down any raptors that try to kill or harm me.

by **Vieto** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:43 am UTC

You are inferior to the raptors, and get eaten.

I sing the song that never ends. The raptors explode when they hear it.

by **Bartimaeus** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 2:00 am UTC

The raptors put earplugs on and eat you

I go into a universe free of raptors using a calculation i figured out involving lots of string theory

by **Vieto** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 2:05 am UTC

The old knitting granny raptors knit you out of existance.

I draw a line in the sand. Due to some miracle of physics, the raptors are unable to cross the line.

by **Bartimaeus** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 2:08 am UTC

They throw rocks that break your skull, you tumble to the ground on their side of the line and are consumed

I manipulate string theory to protect me by throwing sparticles at the raptors which counteract their particles and cancel them out

by **jessebob** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 3:27 pm UTC

quintopia wrote:It turns out you were supposed to be the anti-raptor messiah that would save the human race from the raptor threat. Your time machine is one-way only and you die a lonely death in a strange and empty future. Meanwhile, back here in the present, we all die from raptors.

so we all die? does that still count?

spring theory doesnt actually exist. sorry. you were really playing with string.

you tesseract to another dimension.

by **quintopia** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 4:35 am UTC

I am a vampire.

by **Kain** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 4:42 am UTC

Which means you get to live on eternally as the raptors develop a religion worshipping your tasty, tasty, ever repairing gizzards.
They worship by ripping your innards out as you scream, and then watching as the innards grow back, making tasty food out of nothing (or maybe the air, who knows).

I convince them that I am a raptor in human disguise, and must be continued to operate unmolested.

by **jessebob** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:30 am UTC

the other humans believe this and kill you.

i translate the Funniest Joke Ever http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World into raptor-speak, and they all die of laughter. (can we say there are no deaf raptors? They would be dead already!)

by **quintopia** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 4:26 pm UTC

Unfortunately, you couldn't find anyone else to help you translate it, so you are forced to read the English text and die.

by **Kain** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:41 am UTC

i help jessebob do the translation. I have no sense of humor, or ability to detect sarcasm or wit. Therefore, I am fine with reading the joke (and being a raptor infilitrator really helps keep me fluent in raptorese)

by **jessebob** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:14 am UTC

Thanks kain. Although I do have a sense of humor, when i am drunk i am impervious to written humor, and i help kain when i am drunk.

by **quintopia** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:25 pm UTC

The Funniest Joke In The World has proved deadly to even the dimmest wit. If you can comprehend the words well enough to translate them properly, then you will get the joke. You still die.

by **Kain** » Mon Nov 03, 2008 4:15 am UTC

Oh, I get the joke. Especially the part about the dog and the mushroom. I simply lack the emotional response that anyone else would have.

I tell the joke to the raptors. They die a hideous death (have you ever seen a raptor laugh? it aint pretty).

by **Nobody** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 7:54 pm UTC

You may have managed to tell 7 raptors the joke but the 8th raptor was just too fast, you were never able to get out the first word. There was a glorious fountain of blood spewing from your chest, then you were simply consumed by the raptors.

The raptors cant stand my overwhelming smell, never going within 999m of me. The place where i hide is too bright for the raptors to be able to see and it is surrounded by a 999m extreme river. There is a constant humming which makes all raptors def because its so high-pitched effecting them regardless of how they try to stop it.

by **Kain** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 8:30 pm UTC

Unfortunantly, the humming is also the mating call of the magical leoplurodon in the river. It attempts to mate with you. You do not die, though you forever more wish you had.

I use the power of my avatar to make infinite copies of myself. Note. Infinite. Not many. Infinite. As in more than the raptors can ever kill.

by **quintopia** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 5:19 pm UTC

Unfortunately, they don't have to kill you. The universe has only finite resources for supporting life, including space for it to occupy, so as soon as they are made, all but a finite number of them disapparate. All of those who didn't happen to spawn on a habitable planet die shortly thereafter. The raptors then use the power of Belial's avatar to turn all the remaining copies of you into raptors. It takes them a very finite time to eat you.

by **Vieto** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 5:27 pm UTC

I high-tail a space ship, create a super-huge black-hole in the center of the universe, head straight towards it, at the last minute, I pull a maneuver that steals some of the rotational momentum of the black hole, and as the universe, with every single raptor, gets crushed, with-out the momentum to pull the same maneuver as me, I'm safe.

I go into cryogenic freezing until the next big bang, and I create a habitable planet, and transport non-raptor people from parallel universes to populate it.

by **Nobody** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 7:46 pm UTC

When you pulled that out-of-this-world manoeuvre added a touch of raptor DNA which slowly takes over your body until eventually you die and the inner raptor takes control of your body. subconsciously the reason for transporting people back to the habitable planet was to breed a population that would be able to. . . sustain the raptor!!!

I absorb raptors; this turns them straight into energy allowing me to vote in New Zealand’s election (all residual energy is spent on CPIT projects).

by **Kain** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 8:18 pm UTC

Unfortuantly, you dont realize that the New Zealander leaders are all raptors in disguise. They pass a measure making it illegal to have raptor absorbing powers. You are convicted of high treason and hung. (I assume New Zealand does not have capital punishment, but they make a special provision for you).

I use my patriotic speeches to miraculously make the raptors my allies. I then use them to wage a war against the ninja chickens of zinzink.

Who is online