Kill the Next Poster!

For all your silly time-killing forum games.

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RedBandit
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Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Sat Aug 15, 2009 12:59 am UTC

Forget defense. Okay. First of all, not everyone can even agree how to spell it (is it defence?). Secondly, everyone knows the best defense/defence is a strong offense.
KILL the next poster. Somehow. Anyhow. Be creative, but not mean. Nothing personal, and for no serious reason. I just think it would be funny to describe outlandish, Rube Goldberg-esque murder plans, and that's what I'll tell the judge.

Example:
I'll put a metallic bucket of acid over NP's door, so that when NP opens it, it'll spill all over you and you'll die.

Example 2:
I set up a minefield in front of NP's door... Good luck getting out!

So, what I'll do to get started is put a Slip-and-Slide in front of the next poster's door. The other end will have a bunch of rusty nails. NP is dead.
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razrsharp67
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby razrsharp67 » Sat Aug 15, 2009 5:31 am UTC

But right before I die, I replace the NP's shampoo with gasoline, and crank his thermostat unusually high, so as soon as he exits his shower, his hair will catch fire and kill him.

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Titch
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Titch » Sat Aug 15, 2009 7:09 am UTC

But before I have a shower, I leave a trail of gunpowder going from my bathroom to a barrel of gunpowder in the ship where the next poster is residing, and my fiery body falls onto it and causes the ship of the next poster to explode with them in it.
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Stucky101
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Stucky101 » Sat Aug 15, 2009 7:51 am UTC

Little does the previous poster know I was transporting 800 tons of rat poison on that ship. The ship sinks and contaminates the water that the next poster then drinks and collapses to his death.
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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Sat Aug 15, 2009 8:31 pm UTC

Before I went to quench my thirst with sea water (wtf?) I went to NP's house and and strategically laid out banana peals.
NP gets out of bed, slips down the hall, down the stairs, past the cat *scratch* and out the door into oncoming traffic.
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notzeb
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby notzeb » Sat Aug 15, 2009 9:45 pm UTC

The oncoming traffic is foot-traffic, as my door does not open onto the street. I run inside in search of kitty, covered in shoe marks.

Through an incredible amount of traffic analysis and prediction, I have narrowed the next poster down to one of five likely possibilities, and twenty three less likely possibilities. I have friends waiting for my signal outside each of these twenty eight houses, each one of whom is armed to the teeth, although you wouldn't notice just from looking at them. In fact, it would be hard to notice them at all, since they've all spent the last twenty years training as ninjas in various locations around the world. Each one sends me a secret coded message every five minutes to let me know that he is still capable of carrying out his mission. I have a small militia on hand ready to fire stolen nuclear weapons at the last known location of any ninja that has stopped responding, as well as anything in a fifty mile radius (just for good measure). In the incredibly unlikely case that the next poster is not among the twenty eight I have prepared for... I guess I'll just play it by ear.
Zµ«V­jÕ«ZµjÖ­Zµ«VµjÕ­ZµkV­ZÕ«VµjÖ­Zµ«V­jÕ«ZµjÖ­ZÕ«VµjÕ­ZµkV­ZÕ«VµjÖ­Zµ«V­jÕ«ZµjÖ­ZÕ«VµjÕ­ZµkV­ZÕ«ZµjÖ­Zµ«V­jÕ«ZµjÖ­ZÕ«VµjÕ­Z

RedBandit
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Sun Aug 16, 2009 9:14 pm UTC

I rig a spring and big foam hammer above the NP's door. When they open it, the big foam hammer smacks them in the face, knocking them backwards. NP falls over a tripwire, landing in a pile of jumping jacks. The force of the fall disturbs a bucket of brown paint hanging from a chandelier. Completely blinded, NP stands up, and pricks their finger on a thumbtack laced with poison. Minutes later, NP is dead.
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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Sun Aug 16, 2009 9:21 pm UTC

Before my fateful encounter with the foam hammer I simply replace the brake pedal in NP's car with another gas pedal. Next time NP tries to stop at a red light NP will end up shooting into the intersection and dying in a horrible car accident.
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razrsharp67
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby razrsharp67 » Mon Aug 17, 2009 6:24 am UTC

But before I get into my car, I place the NP's glasses in the center of a circle of knives. As he goes to reach them, (having no eye protection), he is mercilessly poked, where he bleeds to death on the floor.

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Josephine
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Josephine » Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:28 pm UTC

I shoot them. With a gun. Yeah.
Belial wrote:Listen, what I'm saying is that he committed a felony with a zoo animal.

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brakos82
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby brakos82 » Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:00 pm UTC

But he ends up missing and the bullet hits the next person.
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RedBandit
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Mon Aug 17, 2009 11:25 pm UTC

I carefully cut large strips of Magnesium and line the NP's doorway with them. Then, I pile dead leaves in front of NP's door. The next time it rains, NP's house catches fire.
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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Tue Aug 18, 2009 9:35 am UTC

While I wait for it to rain (and I live in a desert climate, not expecting any soon :lol: ) I replace the compressor in NP's air conditioner with a criticle mass of plutonium. Next time NP turns on the AC we get a cool mushroom cloud.
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Josephine
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Josephine » Tue Aug 18, 2009 12:34 pm UTC

Only after I moved to the next house over from the NP.
Belial wrote:Listen, what I'm saying is that he committed a felony with a zoo animal.

Duban
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Duban » Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:22 pm UTC

But not before i put a dozen animals into the NP's home. Said animals are infected with a strain of rabies that the vaccine is ineffective against.
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thecamoninja
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby thecamoninja » Wed Aug 19, 2009 6:34 am UTC

Impaled through the eyeballs with blunt pencils
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scrovak
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby scrovak » Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:23 am UTC

I stab the NP in the face with a soldering iron.
MrGee wrote:I would never eat a person. Have you seen the conditions they're raised in?
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Angua wrote:coordinated baby attacks

sje46
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby sje46 » Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:48 am UTC

I stick NP's face in a blender. A blender filled with cyanide.
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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:41 pm UTC

NP will wake up one morning to discover that (s)he has been strapped into one of the more interesting devices from The Saw (I personally like the bear-trap-exploding-head one).
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Bartimaeus
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Bartimaeus » Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:40 am UTC

NP is slowly transformed into a cookie, then a hoard of ants slowly disassembles and consumes them.

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scrovak
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby scrovak » Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:22 am UTC

Luckily I'm bad ass and kill most of them, and a few people, before dying, because I'm the GingerDead man. Horrible movie!

NP hit's submit button. My implanted virus closes Firefox and opens up pictures of their parents going at it and plays NIN's 'Fuck you like an animal' at max volume. Startled, they jump out of their chair and back away from the computer. I am laying on the ground. They trip over me and fall, breaking their neck.
MrGee wrote:I would never eat a person. Have you seen the conditions they're raised in?
kapojinha wrote:You're amazing, which is why I'm going to marry you.

Angua wrote:coordinated baby attacks

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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:51 am UTC

I'll borrow Calvin's Transmogrifying gun and turn NP into a flee. A harmless little flee. Then I put the flee in the box and put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives I'll smash it with a hammer!

RedBandit
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:27 am UTC

First, I pour a gallon of really slippery oil on the ground in front of NP's home. I cover the outside edge of the doorway with sandpaper. I setup a tripwire. Then, while NP is sleeping, I attach small, wooden matches around the outside of NP's ankles. I drop some dynamite right outside NP's front door on my way out. Then, I throw in a smoke bomb. NP runs out of the house, lighting at least one of the matches around NP's ankles. This lights the dynamite. Since NP is running, NP trips on the tripwire and slips in the gallon of oil, possibly igniting the oil. This fall might also ignite the oil, a good failsafe to ensure the dynamite is lit. Before NP notices the dynamite, NP's house explodes. NP is dead.
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WarDaft
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby WarDaft » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:24 am UTC

Flying chunks of my house strike the next poster as they walk down the street.
All Shadow priest spells that deal Fire damage now appear green.
Big freaky cereal boxes of death.

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CombustibleLemons
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby CombustibleLemons » Sat Aug 22, 2009 1:19 pm UTC

one of the chunks hits me into a gas station witch in my dying breath i set fire to killing the next poster who is filling up their car.
You, sir, name? wrote:Just make sure to consistently whack it in the ass, as that's one end it does not shoot fire out of. Be careless with the flame-magic and it may just shoot fire out both ends.

shadyraptors
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby shadyraptors » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:44 pm UTC

In the six years I have before I'm 18 and can get a car, I shoot the NP with an knockout dart, then put them in a tub (10' by 10' by 10') of gasoline, then light it.
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RedBandit
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:09 am UTC

I drive by NP's house in my automobile. When NP leaves, I jump out and cover NP's head with a black hood, spin NP around 7 times clockwise, and 3 times anti-clockwise, and shove NP onto the lawn. Then, I turn on the sprinkler system, which spits out HCl instead of water. NP dissolves into a tiny puddle on the lawn.
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CombustibleLemons
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby CombustibleLemons » Sun Aug 30, 2009 6:07 pm UTC

I Run to NP's house, then ring their door bell, then shoot them in the face.
You, sir, name? wrote:Just make sure to consistently whack it in the ass, as that's one end it does not shoot fire out of. Be careless with the flame-magic and it may just shoot fire out both ends.

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WarDaft
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby WarDaft » Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:29 pm UTC

I'm too lazy to answer the door, so I ask the NP to get it.
All Shadow priest spells that deal Fire damage now appear green.
Big freaky cereal boxes of death.

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Balesk Baj, Timeburner
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Balesk Baj, Timeburner » Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:10 pm UTC

The bullet merely hits me on the shoulder, and as I wrap bandage around the gun wound and wait for it to heal, I order 25 Portuguese Man-o-War and place them onto the NP's bathtub. As he lays down the tub and feels the pain from the stingers of the jellyfish, he tries to escape, but finds out that I quickly built an aluminum wall around the tub so that he can't escape. NP dies of poison.

* No animals were harmed in this murder*
Magnanimous wrote:I'd have a giant I Tetris piece shoved down my throat, after which my neck will flash and disappear.

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Rosiepants
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Rosiepants » Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:46 pm UTC

But before I'm encased in my aluminium coffin, I fill NP's toilet with candiru!

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scrovak
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby scrovak » Fri Sep 04, 2009 12:44 pm UTC

The next poster will realize they are preggers with my child and kill themselves rather than unleash another scrovak on the world. A noble sacrifice.
MrGee wrote:I would never eat a person. Have you seen the conditions they're raised in?
kapojinha wrote:You're amazing, which is why I'm going to marry you.

Angua wrote:coordinated baby attacks

RedBandit
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby RedBandit » Sun Sep 13, 2009 7:57 pm UTC

I rig the NP's door with a bucket of sugar water. NP walks outside and gets covered with sugar water. Then, I let loose the bees. Attracted by the smell, they sting NP to death.
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rath358
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby rath358 » Sun Sep 13, 2009 9:50 pm UTC

i superglue NP to the wall. they slowly starve to death

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Balesk Baj, Timeburner
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Balesk Baj, Timeburner » Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:42 pm UTC

I place NP in line of fire of 10,000 shotguns and trap him/her in quick-dry cement so that he can't escape.
Magnanimous wrote:I'd have a giant I Tetris piece shoved down my throat, after which my neck will flash and disappear.

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Max2009
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Max2009 » Tue Sep 15, 2009 7:28 pm UTC

I encase NP's shoes in concrete and then "accidentally" push NP off a bridge.
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Ralith The Third
Don't Ask About His Nephews
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Ralith The Third » Tue Sep 15, 2009 8:30 pm UTC

I stab him to death.
With a pot leaf.
Omni.

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CombustibleLemons
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby CombustibleLemons » Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:15 am UTC

i snap the np's neck.
You, sir, name? wrote:Just make sure to consistently whack it in the ass, as that's one end it does not shoot fire out of. Be careless with the flame-magic and it may just shoot fire out both ends.

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Plasma Man
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Plasma Man » Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:39 am UTC

I give NP a radiation dose of 25 Sv, giving them fatal radiation poisoning.
Please note that despite the lovely avatar Sungura gave me, I am not a medical doctor.

Possibly my proudest moment on the fora.

Duban
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Re: Kill the Next Poster!

Postby Duban » Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:51 pm UTC

I capture a Carpet Viper with an extremely powerful hemotoxin that bursts all blood vessels exposed to the toxin. I then place said Viper in a toilet belonging to the NP. With the NP's pants down the viper bites the NP's crotch and finds a location with many MANY blood vessels.
It is not the gods I fear. No, It is those who claim to speak for them that concern me.


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