Corrupt-a-wish

[Freddino18]

granted, the genes that control sleep are CRISPR'd out of you. Without sleep, you slowly go mad. you're welcome.

There is a man who claims not to have slept since 1973. His claims have not been refuted yet.

^Oops, too late. Granted, you took the day off, but due to causality, you still remember and continue to be affected by what you did at work on Friday.

I wish my passing periods were longer.

[Quizatzhaderac]

I'm not sure what you mean by "passing periods", so I'm just going to assume.

Granted, your periods are no longer temporary (as in "passing") and you and you are now bleeding permanently from your uterus. (If you're a man, you also gain a uterus).

I wish for magical egshvie-style temporary and voluntary sex changes.

[Freddino18]

(If your a man you also gain a uterus).

First of all, according to the grammar of that sentence, no. Second, I will interpret that to mean that someone got a hysterectomy and I got the excess tissue, which is now having blood pumped through it.

^Granted. You are now a car, and your owner can attach whatever they want to your body.

I wish for the blood supply to my uterus to be cut off.

[ucim]

Granted. It's cut off at the aorta.

I wish for my car radio/media player to have a pause button.

Jose

[Freddino18]

(to your attempted corruption) Nice try, now I have a body in my blood collection.

(to your wish) Granted. It is broken.

I wish for a printer that prints in color.

[eran_rathan]

granted, but it only uses blood for ink. Good for printing in red or black though!


I wish this week was over, and I could go play more Pokemon Go.

[Freddino18]

Granted, it is over. However, all of your Pokémon have starved to death.

I wish for my blood printer to accept fake blood. Never mind, I have thousands of gallons of the stuff.

I wish for refillable ink cartridges.

By the way, what's with all the blood-related corruptions?

[bug sniper]

Granted, but they only accept mustard and you're all out of that, despite your acquisition of a surplus of ketchup.

I wish for a marsh mellow.

[eran_rathan]

granted, you get a laid back Cajun named Jean-Remy who happens to have a marijuana plantation.

this goes well until the DEA shows up, Agent Orange's the crops (and you), and then shoots both of you (for 'resisting arrest').

I wish I had a better job that paid more & that I enjoyed.

[ucim]

Granted. It leaves you no time for a personal life. Or sleep.

Maybe that's not really a corruption.

I wish I could drink (alcoholic beverages) in any quantity without getting drunk, and without any other ill effect.

Jose

[BittahOverlord]

granted. in your universe alcohol now operates as water. the earth turns to chaos and ends in a nuclear holocaust.

i wish to smoke a blunt with Randall Munroe and davean in the same bunker.

[flicky1991]

Granted. It occurs in a state/country where this isn't legal and you all get caught.

I wish to see all my favourite bands live whenever I want.

[ucim]

Granted. Everywhere you want to live, you can't live there because one of your favorite bands already lives there. You spend the rest of your life homeless.

I wish car audio/entertainment systems didn't use touch screens.

Jose

[flicky1991]

Granted. They now use control systems with one button, where a cursor quickly moves around the screen and you have to press when it's over the thing you want to do.

I wish I could code bots better.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted, thing you can code bots to do well:

1. Kill all humans.
2. Advertise penis enlargement pills.
3. Autocomplete your payment information into websites. (Yours specifically, works the same for everyone)
4. Check javascript for fortran compile time errors.
5. Order items that will put you on watch-lists.
6. Introduce errors into your forum posts that can be caught by spell/grammar checkers.

I wish we could text non-living objects under ten pounds.

[SirGabriel]

Granted. You can send texts to any small inanimate object you want, but unless the object in question is a phone, no one can read or reply to those messages.

I wish I had the power to grant and corrupt the wishes of anyone who posts in this thread.

[Freddino18]

Error: Wish conforms with reality. You get a sandwich.

I wish to steal SirGabriel's sandwich.

[ucim]

Not granted. Did you mean "sudo 'I wish to steal SirGabriel\'s sandwich.'"?

I wish good passwords were easy to come up with and remember.

Jose

[Freddino18]

Correct Horse Battery Staple

I wish for there to be a book called Sitting Frog, Clear Rabbit (this was generated by the password generator, which generates passwords according to the regulations of the Department of Redundancy Department, which regulates password-generating generators of passwords.)

[ucim]

Granted. However, the title doesn't actually appear anywhere on the cover. "Your mission, should you decide to accept it..."

I wish my pool were filled with clean, balanced, warm (80F) water.

Jose

[SirGabriel]

Granted. Your pool is full of buckets of water that are all balanced precariously on random objects.

I wish all websites would allow passwords like "Correct Horse Battery Staple" instead of having a character limit on passwords or requiring numbers and/or non-alphanumeric characters.

[flicky1991]

Granted. The only allowed password on all websites is "Correct Horse Battery Staple".

I wish it was Friday.

[The Snide Sniper]

Granted. I didn't need to do anything for that: it is now Friday.

I wish for better grades in English.

[ucim]

Granted. However, believing the genie would corrupt your wish by causing you to flunk all your other courses, you stop going to them, instead spending your time doing your new favorite sports: web skiing, skate shooting, and dumpster diving. A book publisher gives you an advance to write a book about these new sports, and knowing you have such good grades in English, you accept.

However, your actual real-life prose is dreadful. The book is a flop, you have to give back the advance that you've already spent, which leads you into bankruptcy. Somebody else writes a book about you and makes a fortune (of which you get none).

Oh, and you end up flunking your other courses anyway.

I wish for an actual correct horse battery staple.

Jose

[bug sniper]

Granted. The world is now filled with robotic wireless horses. However, your stapler no longer fits the shape of your paper, or any batteries other than the correct one that you don't have.

I wish for an omnidimensional vending machine.

[ucim]

Granted. It is omnidimensional, but not symmetric. The coin slot happens to be in the dimensions you can access. The product delivery slot is in some other dimension.

I wish I had remembered to wish for something useful before posting this message.

Jose

[phillip1882]

granted, you wished for a football. hey its useful.

i wish for world peace with humanity still around.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted, all seven humans get along just fine.

I wish to be one of the seven surviving humans.

[SirGabriel]

Granted. The other six swore vows of virginity, and not even being one of the last seven humans alive will make them break those vows.

I wish the Hurt and Heal thread hadn't died.

[emlightened]

Granted. I accidentally hurt all of the answers.

I wish I liked plain boiled potatoes.

[SirGabriel]

Granted. I accidentally hurt all of the answers.

In this case, I don't think that counts as a corruption.

I wish I liked plain boiled potatoes.

Granted. You are allergic to literally every other food. While you no longer dislike plain boiled potatoes, you hate the lack of variety.

I wish there were ten extra minutes between 4pm and 5pm.

[ucim]

Granted. 4pm now starts one minute after 3:49pm. You're always ten minutes late.

I wish for a large hi-res flat screen computer monitor, and that my computer could drive it well.

Jose

[SirGabriel]

Granted. 4pm now starts one minute after 3:49pm.

So I not only get 10 extra minutes after work, I also have 10 fewer minutes in my workday? Sounds good to me.

I wish for a large hi-res flat screen computer monitor, and that my computer could drive it well.

Granted. your flat screen monitor is mounted on a remote control car that you can operate using your computer. Your computer has the ability to drive it well, but since you don't have a monitor connected to your computer, you can't see what you're doing and you manage to drive the monitor off a cliff; the screen smashes against a sharp rock and it cannot be repaired.

[bug sniper]

I wish for a tupperware containing whatever SirGabriel forgot to wish for.

[eran_rathan]

granted, its full of live, angry squid.

i wish i had some lunch, which was not live angry squid.

[emlightened]

Granted, you instead get dead angry (zombie) squid.

I wish I was able to focus more easily.

[ucim]

Granted. I take the sand out of your camera lens and put it in your camera body.

So I not only get 10 extra minutes after work, I also have 10 fewer minutes in my workday? Sounds good to me.

Yup. Until payday.

I wish crud didn't build up under this plastic.

Jose

[eran_rathan]

granted. it builds up under your skin instead.

i wish i had a use for angry zombie squid.

[ucim]

Granted. You are now the sous-chef (do they have them?) in a zombie Japanese restaurant. A bunch of Samurai just walked in. I hope they like what you make.

I wish for thick foliage in my yard.

Jose

[emlightened]

Granted. You get thick foil-age all over your yard.

I wish that I had some ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████.