Corrupt-a-wish

[AdmiralGreene]

Granted. You can now go forward in the future at a rate of 1 second per second.

I wish for a nice aquarium to display in my house, with fish.

[flicky1991]

Granted. Your bath is now full of fish.

I wish for more time.

[ArDeeJ]

Granted. You have an unlimited supply of time for the rest of your life. Time won't end while you're still alive.

I wish for a sandwich.

[flicky1991]

Granted. You get the decomposed body of the Earl of Sandwich. On a plate.

I wish I knew all the secrets of the universe.

[Mike Rosoft]

Your mind can't handle the knowledge. You go mad from the revelation - and consider yourself lucky.

I wish magical girls were real.

[Bartimaeus]

Granted, you become one. But it's not the fairytale magical girl, it's the Madoka kind, and you're Mami.

I wish that I was Kyubey.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Bless you. Oh, wait that was your wish? Granted, you are now cube-y, but all of the spaces are spherical.

I wish I was more popular with the ladies.

[flicky1991]

Granted. You're more popular with them to throw up on because you're faaaat.

I wish I knew more languages.

[3fj]

Spoiler:

Granted. In half an hour, everyone you love is murdered. The ones farther from you first, so you receive the news, then the closer ones come over to comfort you, only to be killed before your eyes by a group of thugs led by a crazy ginger with a cell phone. You use a one use time machine to jump two days into the past to try to stop the even, but given that you have no knowledge of why it's happening, it is extremely difficult for you to discover anything. You perpetuate this loop for what seems like eternity, never quite able to save your loved ones, but getting closer and closer every time, and always able to take the machine back to try again.

At some point, though, you've had enough. No matter what you try, no matter where you go, the two days simply aren't enough for you to do anything. You may be able to retain the knowledge you have gained, but it seems that this operation is far grander than you ever imagined, and its roots run very, very deep.

Finally, after seeing the only woman you have every truly loved, in the fullest sense of the word, die one to many times. You realize that you will never be able to save them, that all has been for nothing. The horrors that you have faced were in truth for naught. You might as well never bothered. You had always wondered this, but you had always hoped for the contrary, always told yourself that as long as you tried your hardest, you would be able to save Megan. It had worked throughout your life. Your grandfather's advice had never once let you down before. You won countless scholarships as a child, attended Harvard, gotten your dream job as a the chief librarian of the Loksborough Lavish Library.

But no, you mustn't reminisce. None of that mattered now. Your life was nothing. Everything that had seemed to important was nothing next to Megan. Always the last to go(as if the organization had intended it -no, they must have.), you'd seen her die more times than you could ever recall, and yet ever incident was etched into your brain as if etched there by a knife.

It was all too much. That final realization, pushed down inside for so long, finally had emerged, and with its arrival so left all hope in your heart.

On Sunday, August 19th, 2012, Frederic Francis Finnegan don Juan, or, as Megan had so lovingly nicknamed him, 3FJ, took his own life, surrounded by the bloody bodies of everyone who he cared about.



I wish that I actually knew how to write stuff like that WELL.

You are truly humanity's greatest monster. I salute you, sir.

Granted. You're more popular with them to throw up on because you're faaaat.

I wish I knew more languages.

You now know all the languages. Seriously, all of them including all sign languages. However, every time you try to talk to someone, you can only express what you're trying to say in whichever language fulfils every nuance of the idea you're trying to transmit in the most succinct way. As such, you're either bound to extremely simple ideas which are equally well expressed in most modern languages or you are stuck trying to communicate the idea of your exact feelings towards someone in a language they do not or cannot understand. You will never know love and ultimately die alone.

I wish that this thread would stop getting all dark and sinister.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted, it quickly reaches maximum darkness and sinister-ness and stops getting all dark and sinister. Also: you get raped by a animate, cubic, stuffed animal while your family watches and applauds; what with the darkness, sinisterness, and all.

I wish for unlimited breadsticks.

[flicky1991]

Granted - the breadsticks you are given are unlimited by normal perceptions of flavour and texture. They are the worst things you've ever eaten - from your point of view.

I wish for real, super-intelligent, friendly robots.

[bug sniper]

Granted. They are friendly to the Alpha Centaurians. They set up a company to advertise and sell Earth's natural resources, especially its water. A capitalistic alien invasion happens, and the Earth becomes a barren wasteland when it's over. In exchange, the robots get a massive supply of uranium batteries and fusion reactors to power their spaceships so that they can colonize the galaxy.

I wish I knew what happened to my cat that ran away.

[Bartimaeus]

Granted. I hope you find him/her

I wish that bug sniper would find /her cat alive.

[Arlick]

Granted. (On a side note, Bartimaeus is cursed by the unfriendly neighborhood witch doctor. Let's hope that shrunken head goes away, too.)

I wish for a pet rock.

*Hope you find your cat, bug! *

[ArDeeJ]

Granted. It rolls away.

I wish for a cat of my own.

[Mike Rosoft]

Granted. It's the Starveling Cat.

I wish for an exceptional rose.

[flicky1991]

Granted. The rose is exceptionally sentient, powerful, and bloodthirsty.

I wish to lead an invasion!

[Mike Rosoft]

Granted. You're the leader of an army of locusts.

I wish for a can of insecticide.

[flicky1991]

Granted. You are trapped in it.

I wish to be the first person to hear the best song ever recorded.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted. You are sent back in time to be the first person to hear Edison's rendition of Mary had a little lamb. Which was the best song ever recorded by virtue of being the only song ever recorded.

[ArDeeJ]

Granted. Something happens. (hahahaha get it?++???? THERE WAS NO WISH SO NOTHING HAPPENS BUT IT HAS TO BE CORRUPTED SO SOMETHING HAPPENS LOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL!!1)

I wish for a bagel. I don't really like bagels.

[flicky1991]

Granted. Not only is it a bagel, but it is filled with every food you hate, plus the antidote for the poison I just injected into your bloodstream. It's your choice...

I wish for a perfect sense of direction.

[ArDeeJ]

Granted! You now have a perfect sense of direction! Since I'm so generous, it comes with a disability: you can never reach any of your desired destinations!

I wish the world used renewable energy and renewable energy only.

[Mike Rosoft]

Granted. All the world's coal, oil, and nuclear power plants have just disappeared. (See how the civilization fares without them.)

I wish for a universal data compression algorithm.

[flicky1991]

Granted. The universe is compressed.

I wish for no more wars.

[Mike Rosoft]

Granted. A terrible dictatorship will take over your country without a fight, and no one's going to stop them.

I wish for no more dictatorships.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted, every office is now filled based upon either non-deterministic, game-able, or non-transitive elections.

I wish for a robot butler.

[flicky1991]

Granted. After obeying and serving you for 5 years, it reports its findings to its creator, who uses them to destroy you.

I wish for an infinite amount of chicken.

[Mike Rosoft]

Granted. You're now an infinite coward.

I wish for the world's spiciest chilli pepper.

[bug sniper]

Granted, but as per the terms of our contract, you are required to consume all copsican-containing food dispensed through our company's wishgranters, unmixed, in whole, and untampered. Failure to abide will result in a $5000 food restoration fee.

I wish America had more intelligent television shows.

And thanks, Bartimus and flicky. It's been more than a year, but maybe I'll still find the cat.

[RollingHead]

Granted: everything on TV in intelligent and interesting, everybody does nothing but watch it all day long, society collapses.

I wish I could memorise books by glancing at each page.

[flicky1991]

Granted. You overuse this new ability, and therefore never have the chance to find out new things because you've already read about it all. All the joy is taken out of life...

I wish I achieved something I'd be recognised for.

[Mike Rosoft]

Wish granted. Two words: Herostratic fame.

I wish for an Emblem of Tii.

[bug sniper]

Granted, but while adding one to your inventory, I somehow left behind my omniscient list of passwords. Someone steals it, flies to Moscow, and uses it to take down every last cloud computing service provider. Google, Yahoo, and the world of Glitch are now all decommissioned.

I wish I has an omniscient list of passwords that never gets lost.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Granted, it contains over 10 billion entries arranged by ascii value of the password.

I wish for coffee flavored oatmeal.

[Bartimaeus]

Granted. You eat it, and it is delicious, but the flavor of coffee masks the taste of the poison which my ex-girlfriend had left there for me.

I wish that I could figure out this stupid math problem.

[flicky1991]

Granted. You figure out just how stupid it is.

I wish I could sing in tune.

[RollingHead]

Granted, you are no longer able to speak normally.

I wish for an electric screwdriver.

[flicky1991]

Granted. If you touch it, you get an electric shock.

I wish for pepper.

[Bartimaeus]

Granted, it's pepper spray, which is being sprayed at you as we speak by a very angry lemur.

I wish for a lemur.