Favorite math jokes

For the discussion of math. Duh.

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necroforest
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Postby necroforest » Wed May 30, 2007 3:07 am UTC

crazyjimbo wrote:"Ah," says the mathematician, "it's easy, really. First visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."


"First, visualize it in 1 dimensional space. Then realize that if you can visualize it in k-dimensional space, you can visualize it in (k+1)-dimensional space..."

Keith
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lots of engineering jokes

Postby Keith » Wed May 30, 2007 3:49 am UTC

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

==========

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

===========

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him."

[Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

===========

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

==========

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Aerospace Engineers?
Mechanical engineers have jobs.

===========

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

==========

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

===========

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

===========

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."

===========

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him And
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it Back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

============

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

============

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

===========

from collegeconfidential
Sapere Aude.

Keith
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50 Pick-Up Lines

Postby Keith » Wed May 30, 2007 3:50 am UTC

Double Post...but ehh

50 Best Pick Up Lines for Math Chicks
>
>1. I'm not being obtuse but you're acute girl.
>
>2. I'll love you from here to infinity.
>
>3. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home
>page.
>
>4. You've got the curves, I've got the angles.
>
>5. Honey, you're sweeter than 3.14.
>
>6. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
>
>7. My love for you is like the slope of a concave up function
>because it is always increasing
>8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
>
>9. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com ?
>
>10. Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be
>tangent to your curves!
>
>11. Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's
>"Elements"?
>
>12. I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
>
>13. being without you is like being a metric space in which exists a
>cauchy sequence that does not converge
>
>14. can i explore your mean value?
>
>15. Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and
>time approach infinity, because I
>want to go all the way with you.
>
>16. i = Ø when i am not with you
>
>17. my love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function
>
>18. You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear
>equations.
>
>19. What's your favorite linear transformation?
>
>20. Your beauty defies real and complex analysis.
>
>21. i wish i were a derivative so i could lie tangent to your
>curves.
>
>22. i'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.
>
>23. Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place i know of and i'll
>take you to the limit.
>
>24. let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge
>
>25. let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume
>
>26. if i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always go
>towards you.
>
>27. your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.
>
>28. my love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded
>
>29. my love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.
>
>30. you've got more curves than a triple integral
>
>31. i wish i was your problem set, because then i'd be really hard,
>and you'd be doing me on the desk.
>
>32. int[2x,x,10,13]?
>
>33. Euclid said that two parallel planes don't touch. Let's go back
>to my room and study some non-Euclidean geometry.
>
>34. Why don't you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both
>of us reduce to simplest form?
>
>35. Huygens' favorite curves were cycloids, but my favorite curves
>are yours.
>
>36. I don't care what Godel's Incompleteness Theorem says, because I
>know that you complete me.
>
>37. Much of our shared knowledge was discovered in the East before
>being brought to the Western world: the number zero, Arabic
>numerals, the quadratic formula, the Kama Sutra.
>
>38. How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the
>digits of your phone number?
>
>39. I don't like my current girlfriend. Mind if I do a
>you-substitution?
>
>40. Your face has perfect reflective symmetry
>
>41. Why can't love be a one to one function? Then our relationship
>could be injective.
>
>42. I would really like to bisect your angle.
>
>43. Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I
>am around you.
>
>44. In game theory I study situations in which both players can win.
>You want to be a part of one?
>
>45. I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10
>seconds. What? You don't believe me? Well, then, let's try it with
>your phone number.
>
>46. Meeting you is like a switch to polar coordinates: complex and
>imaginary things are given a magnitude and a direction.
>
>47. Ever wonder what L'Hopital's rule has to say about limits in the
>form of me over you?
>
>48. If you don't want to go all the way, you can still partially
>derive me.
>
>49. You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were
>with me.
>
>50. You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a
>perfect square?
Sapere Aude.

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3.14159265...
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Postby 3.14159265... » Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:08 pm UTC

Just thought of this:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who can use induction.
"The best times in life are the ones when you can genuinely add a "Bwa" to your "ha""- Chris Hastings

Scarecrow
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Re: 50 Pick-Up Lines

Postby Scarecrow » Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:12 pm UTC

Keith wrote:50 Best Pick Up Lines for Math Chicks


Lets not be forgetting "How about we go back to my place, add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!

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Earlz
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Postby Earlz » Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:57 pm UTC

ᴨmp

(notice that's 3.14..*m*p)
My new blag(WIP, so yes it's still ugly..)
DEFIANCE!
Image
This is microtext. Zooming in digitally makes it worse. Get a magnifying glass.. works only on LCD

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duckshirt
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Postby duckshirt » Sun Jun 10, 2007 12:15 am UTC

rejectedScott wrote:(This is a bit lame, and I saw it on a shirt once)

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lightbulb?

|cat| x |lightbulb| x sin(theta)
"The actual result would be a vector that could not be described in one single expression!"
lol everything matters
-Ed

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Peripatetic
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Postby Peripatetic » Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:04 am UTC

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the other ... um ... *scratches head*

~~~

A math professor is lecturing through a rather long and complicated proof. At one point he says, "It is obvious that equation 32 follows from 31."

A student towards the back of the lecture hall asks, "How is that obvious?"

The professor looks back at the blackboard, starts to speak, but then remains silent as a consternated look falls across his face. After ten minutes of silent pondering, he erases three blackboards and manically fills them with equations, derivations, and other expressions. After another half-hour of furious scribbling--eventually filling both sides of two more free-standing chalkboards--he exclaims, "AHA! It is obvious!"

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rhino
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Postby rhino » Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:58 pm UTC

What's liquid, tastes good and is complete on the space of continuous real-valued functions on a closed interval?

The soup norm.

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silverhammermba
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Postby silverhammermba » Sun Jun 10, 2007 4:48 pm UTC

Not really a joke but I remember one of my first thoughts after learning about derivatives.

"What do you call the derivative of optimus?"

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adlaiff6
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Postby adlaiff6 » Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:06 pm UTC

Peripatetic wrote:A math professor is lecturing through a rather long and complicated proof. At one point he says, "It is obvious that equation 32 follows from 31."

A student towards the back of the lecture hall asks, "How is that obvious?"

The professor looks back at the blackboard, starts to speak, but then remains silent as a consternated look falls across his face. After ten minutes of silent pondering, he erases three blackboards and manically fills them with equations, derivations, and other expressions. After another half-hour of furious scribbling--eventually filling both sides of two more free-standing chalkboards--he exclaims, "AHA! It is obvious!"

*sigh*

That was my differential equations professor last semester.
3.14159265... wrote:What about quantization? we DO live in a integer world?

crp wrote:oh, i thought you meant the entire funtion was f(n) = (-1)^n
i's like girls u crazy

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une see
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Postby une see » Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:37 am UTC

3.14159265... wrote:Just thought of this:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who can use induction.


I feel sad now because I don't understand this. Wouldn't that be...3 types of people then, instead of 2? Sadly, I don't think I'm part of the group that can use induction. Damn.

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bitwiseshiftleft
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Postby bitwiseshiftleft » Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:39 am UTC

3.14159265... wrote:Just thought of this:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who can use induction.


Ah, binary jokes. My favorite is: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't, and 8 other types."

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3.14159265...
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Postby 3.14159265... » Mon Jun 11, 2007 1:52 am UTC

une see wrote:
3.14159265... wrote:Just thought of this:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who can use induction.


I feel sad now because I don't understand this. Wouldn't that be...3 types of people then, instead of 2? Sadly, I don't think I'm part of the group that can use induction. Damn.


Think base 2, now think base n and then do n+1 :D
"The best times in life are the ones when you can genuinely add a "Bwa" to your "ha""- Chris Hastings

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user#471729
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Postby user#471729 » Mon Jun 11, 2007 2:25 am UTC

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe opposite an empty house. They see two people go into the house. Time passes, and after a while they see three people walk out of the house.

The physicist says "The measurements were not accurate."
The biologist says "The people who went into the house have reproduced."
The mathematician says "Now, if exactly one person enters the house it will be empty again."

Rakshasa
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Postby Rakshasa » Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:17 pm UTC

necroforest wrote:"First, visualize it in 1 dimensional space. Then realize that if you can visualize it in k-dimensional space, you can visualize it in (k+1)-dimensional space..."

Err... WTF?

You have only shown that you can visualize for 1 and k dimensional space, which does not induction make.

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Postby SpitValve » Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:44 pm UTC

Rakshasa wrote:
necroforest wrote:"First, visualize it in 1 dimensional space. Then realize that if you can visualize it in k-dimensional space, you can visualize it in (k+1)-dimensional space..."

Err... WTF?

You have only shown that you can visualize for 1 and k dimensional space, which does not induction make.


Well, you have to "realize that if you can visualize it in k-dimensional space, you can visualize it in (k+1)-dimensional space". Which through joke logic, is automagically true. This completes the induction.

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__Kit
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Postby __Kit » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:10 am UTC

I JUST MADE UP A JOKE!

Q.What did the guy say when he touched a power outlet
A.My finger MegaHertz!

what do you think?eh?eh?!
=]

Rakshasa
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Postby Rakshasa » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:25 am UTC

SpitValve wrote:Well, you have to "realize that if you can visualize it in k-dimensional space, you can visualize it in (k+1)-dimensional space". Which through joke logic, is automagically true. This completes the induction.

Sorry, when they contain obvious errors of logic, they just don't tickle the funny neurons.

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SpitValve
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Postby SpitValve » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:39 am UTC

__Kit wrote:I JUST MADE UP A JOKE!

Q.What did the guy say when he touched a power outlet
A.My finger MegaHertz!

what do you think?eh?eh?!


Maybe if there were a million power outlets?

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ArmonSore
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Postby ArmonSore » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:42 am UTC

One stationary clock says to a moving clock: "I'm watching you".
The moving clock replies: "That ain't propa`!"
I was useful Yesterday.
-Paul McCartney.

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Peripatetic
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Postby Peripatetic » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:46 am UTC

ArmonSore wrote:One stationary clock says to a moving clock: "I'm watching you".
The moving clock replies: "That ain't propa`!"


I prefer: "Holy shit! A talking clock!"

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Postby ArmonSore » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:54 am UTC

Peripatetic wrote:
ArmonSore wrote:One stationary clock says to a moving clock: "I'm watching you".
The moving clock replies: "That ain't propa`!"



I prefer: "Holy shit! A talking clock!"


There are layers of humor!
I was useful Yesterday.

-Paul McCartney.

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3.14159265...
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Postby 3.14159265... » Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:39 am UTC

ArmonSore wrote:One stationary clock says to a moving clock: "I'm watching you".
The moving clock replies: "That ain't propa`!"


LMAO
"The best times in life are the ones when you can genuinely add a "Bwa" to your "ha""- Chris Hastings

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Phil
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Postby Phil » Tue Jun 12, 2007 5:14 am UTC

A biologist, a chemist and a physicists are being asked to describe a cow they see. The biologist goes first and says something of the like: "Well it's a B Torus, part of the Bovidae family, in the mamalia class, etc." The chemist goes next saying "I see a complex assembly of organic molecules, mostly made of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen" and goes on. When he's finished, the physicist says "Well, in first order approximation, it's a sphere!"

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Postby ArmonSore » Tue Jun 12, 2007 5:58 am UTC

Haha Phil! That's a good one.
I was useful Yesterday.

-Paul McCartney.

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4=5
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Postby 4=5 » Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:09 am UTC

what's an anagram of banach-tarski?

banach-tarski banach-tarski


:D

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Postby el sjaako » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:07 am UTC

That spherical cow joke is really old, wikipedia has a version from 1975. someone even wrote a book based on it.

I don't think i've seen this joke yet:

A bioligist, an engineer, and a mathimatician are sitting in a diner along a highway when they see three people get into a car and drive off. They finish there coffee, get in there car, and drive a couple of hours. When they get to the next diner, they get out for lunch. Then they see that same car pull up again over here, and four poeple come out of it. The bioligist thinks he knows how this happenend: "they reproduced." The engineer is certain of his answer, it was simply a measurement error. But the mathematician knows the real truth: if one person goes back into the car it will be empty.

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Postby adlaiff6 » Tue Jun 12, 2007 3:00 pm UTC

user#471729 wrote:A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe opposite an empty house. They see two people go into the house. Time passes, and after a while they see three people walk out of the house.

The physicist says "The measurements were not accurate."
The biologist says "The people who went into the house have reproduced."
The mathematician says "Now, if exactly one person enters the house it will be empty again."

You lose!
3.14159265... wrote:What about quantization? we DO live in a integer world?

crp wrote:oh, i thought you meant the entire funtion was f(n) = (-1)^n
i's like girls u crazy

carbaxp
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this is bad

Postby carbaxp » Tue Jun 12, 2007 8:20 pm UTC

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an elephant?




A: DonkeyElephant sin Θ

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Re: this is bad

Postby SpitValve » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:09 pm UTC

carbaxp wrote:What do you get when you cross a donkey with an elephant?




A: DonkeyElephant sin ?


This is a bad first post because

1. It's not in the introduction thread
2. The joke has been done already in this thread (in this page even)
3. You used obnoxiously large font

Try again!

aguacate
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Re: this is bad

Postby aguacate » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:24 pm UTC

SpitValve wrote:
carbaxp wrote:What do you get when you cross a donkey with an elephant?




A: DonkeyElephant sin ?


This is a bad first post because

1. It's not in the introduction thread
2. The joke has been done already in this thread (in this page even)
3. You used obnoxiously large font

Try again!


4. http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/einstein

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Re: this is bad

Postby SpitValve » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:58 pm UTC



Gah! Also already linked on this page!

The raptors are beginning to lurk...

|333173|3|_||3
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Postby |333173|3|_||3 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 5:48 pm UTC

adlaiff6 wrote:
Peripatetic wrote:A math professor is lecturing through a rather long and complicated proof. At one point he says, "It is obvious that equation 32 follows from 31."

A student towards the back of the lecture hall asks, "How is that obvious?"

The professor looks back at the blackboard, starts to speak, but then remains silent as a consternated look falls across his face. After ten minutes of silent pondering, he erases three blackboards and manically fills them with equations, derivations, and other expressions. After another half-hour of furious scribbling--eventually filling both sides of two more free-standing chalkboards--he exclaims, "AHA! It is obvious!"

*sigh*

That was my differential equations professor last semester.


Kind of remonds me of my Particle Mechanincs lecturer, who would not derive the most trivial equations without using three balckbaords of stuff which had some tangnetial relation to the derivation in question, and an almost unlimited amount of space and time to dervie equations which were not only non examinalbe, but were not used anywhere else at all in the derivation, or the rest of the course.

This is an old joke: I posted it on teh CyberPrune forums back when they were worhty of a long-lasitng wikipedia article, and they have appeared on my Unis math society's t-shirts, but it is good:

Code: Select all

study == time;
time == money;
money == sqrt(all_evil);
THEREFORE study == sqrt(all_evil)

some versions replace study with work.[/quote]
The voices in my head tell me that I should write something here. Unfortunately, they won't tell me what to write.

Xial
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Postby Xial » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:07 pm UTC

I have written a proof to prove that kids should not be required to go to school.

School=knowledge
knowledge=power
absolute(power)=absolute(corruption)

Therefore
power=corruption
knowledge=corruption
and finally
school=corruption


You see teachers are trying to debauch our children.

Shadowfish
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Re: this is bad

Postby Shadowfish » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:44 pm UTC

carbaxp wrote:What do you get when you cross a donkey with an elephant?




A: DonkeyElephant sin Θ

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a donkey?



You can't, a mountain climber is a scaler.

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SpitValve
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Re: this is bad

Postby SpitValve » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:51 pm UTC

Shadowfish wrote:What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a donkey?

You can't, a mountain climber is a scaler.


Done on the first page already! By me!

Works better if you cross with a mosquito because a mosquito is a vector for diseases: "You can't cross a scalar with a vector!"

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Re: this is bad

Postby Shadowfish » Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:11 pm UTC

SpitValve wrote:
Shadowfish wrote:What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a donkey?

You can't, a mountain climber is a scaler.


Done on the first page already! By me!

Works better if you cross with a mosquito because a mosquito is a vector for diseases: "You can't cross a scalar with a vector!"

Damn it. Should have read the first page.

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Postby adlaiff6 » Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:51 am UTC

|333173|3|_||3 wrote:This is an old joke: I posted it on teh CyberPrune forums back when they were worhty of a long-lasitng wikipedia article, and they have appeared on my Unis math society's t-shirts, but it is good:

Code: Select all

study == time;
time == money;
money == sqrt(all_evil);
THEREFORE study == sqrt(all_evil)

some versions replace study with work.

The version I heard was:

women = time * money
time = money
women = money ^ 2
money = evil ^ .5
women = evil
3.14159265... wrote:What about quantization? we DO live in a integer world?

crp wrote:oh, i thought you meant the entire funtion was f(n) = (-1)^n
i's like girls u crazy

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Postby gmalivuk » Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:19 pm UTC

adlaiff6 wrote:
|333173|3|_||3 wrote:This is an old joke: I posted it on teh CyberPrune forums back when they were worhty of a long-lasitng wikipedia article, and they have appeared on my Unis math society's t-shirts, but it is good:

Code: Select all

study == time;
time == money;
money == sqrt(all_evil);
THEREFORE study == sqrt(all_evil)

some versions replace study with work.

The version I heard was:

women = time * money
time = money
women = money ^ 2
money = evil ^ .5
women = evil


Yes, we all know there are lots of X=evil "jokes", which are all really one joke where you replace X with various things you personally don't like. None of them are very funny. Now, can we get on with jokes that haven't been posted here?
Unless stated otherwise, I do not care whether a statement, by itself, constitutes a persuasive political argument. I care whether it's true.
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