Favorite math jokes

For the discussion of math. Duh.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Dobblesworth » Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:18 am UTC

Lots of other people wrote:< Stuff on the topic of the 6 7 8 9 10 11 joke >


I'm sure it can be rephrased to getting 13 to fear 7.
13 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9 10 11
Insert an H into Ten = Seven ate Nine, then Eleven.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Arancaytar » Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:35 am UTC

Only if you have a speech impediment. :P
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Nimz » Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:13 am UTC

Arancaytar wrote:Only if you have a speech impediment. :P

Seeing how it came right after
tricky77puzzle wrote:"Here ya go: Dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd. Dat's one hundred."
I don't see that it's much of a stretch :roll:
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Shakleton » Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:54 pm UTC

Sine Nomen wrote:"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."


Yeah! This is great. My new sig! :mrgreen:
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby wotwut » Tue Apr 29, 2008 8:55 pm UTC

Not a joke but a pickup line:

I want to be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.

Or the much more blunt...

Baby, you make my *male genitalia* the cross of my leg vectors. ^____^

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Buttons » Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:48 pm UTC

wotwut wrote:Baby, you make my *male genitalia* the cross of my leg vectors. ^____^

Right leg first, I hope.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby NathanielJ » Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:05 pm UTC

wotwut wrote:Baby, you make my *male genitalia* the cross of my leg vectors. ^____^


Make sure your legs aren't both pointing straight down when you say this one.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Mathmagic » Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:34 pm UTC

Or doing the splits.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby 0xDEADBEEF » Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:51 pm UTC

I guess this is on topic, if Computer Science is really Mathematics.

A Computer Scientist, an FBI agent, and an LAPD detective are each given the challenge of finding a rabbit in the forest.

The Computer Scientist starts at the Southwest corner of the forest, and walks East, comparing everything he finds to a sample of a known rabbit. When he reaches the Southeast corner of the forest, he goes back to where he started, takes one step North, and again walks East, comparing everything he finds to a sample of a known rabbit. He repeats this process, one step further North each time, until he finds an object that matches the known rabbit.

The FBI agent burns down the forest, and has the medical examiner determine which of the charred corpses left after the inferno was the rabbit.

The LAPD detective goes into the woods, and returns, dragging a badly-beaten bear, who is saying, "Ok, so I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby LSK » Thu May 08, 2008 11:51 pm UTC

As the story goes, a mathematician had just arrived home from travel and was worried that he'd lost an article of luggage.
"No, dear!" said his wife. "All six pieces are here."
"That can't be the case!" said the furious mathematician. "I've counted them several times: zero, one, two, three, four, five!"

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Nimz » Fri May 09, 2008 5:38 am UTC

That actually sounds like some computer scientists I know...

This is lame, but I got inspired when reading another thread. Prove that 0! = 1
Proof: 0 != 1. QED



(of course, this "proof" would work for any number not equal to 1 having a factorial equal to 1, but it's actually true in this case!)
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Hit3k » Fri May 09, 2008 7:52 am UTC

Study = Fail.

Proof:

Study = No Fail
No Study = Fail
(No + 1)Study = (No + 1)Fail
(No + 1)/(No+1)Study = (No + 1)/(No + 1)Fail
∴ Study = Fail
Q.E.D

Not really funny but.. you know..
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby jaap » Fri May 09, 2008 9:22 am UTC

Hit3k wrote:Study = Fail.

Proof:

Study = No Fail
No Study = Fail
(No + 1)Study = (No + 1)Fail
(No + 1)/(No+1)Study = (No + 1)/(No + 1)Fail
∴ Study = Fail
Q.E.D


You forgot the possibility that No=-1.

That reminds me of the following irc quote from bash.org which I find quite funny:
(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Hit3k » Fri May 09, 2008 9:46 am UTC

jaap wrote:You forgot the possibility that No=-1.

That reminds me of the following irc quote from bash.org which I find quite funny:
(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

I jump to the conclusion everyone knows No = False = 0 ;)

That is also a classic bash quote and I laugh everytime :P
Hit3k wrote:Study = Fail.

Proof:
Let No = 0*
Study = No Fail
No Study = Fail
(No + 1)Study = (No + 1)Fail
(No + 1)/(No+1)Study = (No + 1)/(No + 1)Fail
∴ Study = Fail
Q.E.D

*fix'd
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby maninblack » Fri May 09, 2008 3:39 pm UTC

I will admit that I didn't read all the posts so this may be on here already...if it is I apologize.....but here goes....

A mathematician, a philosopher and a biologist are in a car staking out a house they believe to be empty.

They see two people walk in; some time later they see three walk out.

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The philosopher says, "We must examine what we mean by empty."

The mathematician says, "If one person returns to the house, it will be empty again."
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Noughmad » Sun May 11, 2008 8:07 pm UTC

jaap wrote:(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

The proper bastard response would, of course, be "0".
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby antonfire » Sun May 11, 2008 10:33 pm UTC

I think it's more bastardly to tell the truth and yet give no information than it is to simply contradict yourself.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby ATCG » Sun May 11, 2008 11:09 pm UTC

I came across a cute half-math/half-physics joke in Peter Woit's Not Even Wrong:

The [Stanford Linear Accelerator Center (SLAC)] accelerator runs in a line from close to the San Andreas fault. . ., eastward toward San Francisco Bay. It has been said that in case of a major earthquake, the laboratory may have to be renamed SPLAC (for Stanford Piecewise-Linear Accelerator Center).
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby NathanielJ » Mon May 12, 2008 12:07 am UTC

Hit3k wrote:Study = Fail.

Proof:

Study = No Fail
No Study = Fail
(No + 1)Study = (No + 1)Fail
(No + 1)/(No+1)Study = (No + 1)/(No + 1)Fail
∴ Study = Fail
Q.E.D

Not really funny but.. you know..


The sad thing is that it doesn't bother me because it's lame, but it bothers me because they treat "No" as if it's being added in lines 1 and 2 but as if it's being multiplied throughout the rest of the proof.
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Re:

Postby Gojoe » Mon May 12, 2008 2:44 am UTC

Stickmaster wrote:Why do computer scientists always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT31 eqauls DEC25!


this was way back on page 3, but i don't think that it got enough recognition. It's genius! Kudos Stickmaster.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Ended » Mon May 12, 2008 11:33 pm UTC

Came across this just now, it's fairly amusing. Reminiscent of that chicken-in-a-jug forum game.

How to put an elephant into a refrigerator: (spoilered for length)

Spoiler:
Analysis:
1) Differentiate it and put into the refrigerator. Then integrate it in the refrigerator.
2) Redefine the measure on the refrigerator (or the elephant).
3) Apply the Banach-Tarski theorem.

Number theory:
1) First factorize, second multiply.
2) Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.

Algebra:
1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrigerator. Step 2. Show that the refrigerator is closed under addition.
2) Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.

Topology:
1) Have it swallow the refrigerator and turn inside out.
2) Make a refrigerator with the Klein bottle.
3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.
4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough.
5) The property of being inside the refrigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.
6) For those who object to method 5 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator.

Algebraic topology:
Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R3.

Linear algebra:
1) Put just its basis and span it in the refrigerator.
2) Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.

Affine geometry:
There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.

Set theory:
1) It's very easy! refrigerator = { elephant }
2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.

Geometry:
Declare the following:
Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.

Complex analysis:
Put the refrigerator at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.

Numerical analysis:
1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.
2) Work it out using the Pentium.

Statistics:
1) Bright statistician: put its tail as a sample and say "Done."
2) Dull statistician: repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrigerator.
3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby pseudoidiot » Thu May 15, 2008 8:18 pm UTC

Had a math teacher tell this one once:

What does a mathematician with constipation do?

Spoiler:
Works it out with a pencil.
Or

Spoiler:
Works it out with a slide-rule.
Derailed : Gaming Outside the Box.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Luthen » Sat May 17, 2008 11:30 am UTC

Two from my maths lecturer:

There's this great maths teacher, really, he inspires all his students. Much of this is said to be due to his parrot that he brings to every class.
Anyway, a past student comes back after graduation to give his old teacher a gift as thanks for his wonderful classes. But is surprised when he enters the office and the teacher's mascot is gone. This puzzles him while he waits for the teacher to arrive, so its the first thing he asks, "Sir, what happened to your parrot?"
Spoiler:
The mathematician looked sad and replied, "Polynomial, polygon"


This is also a Bush joke!
One morning Bush wanders into the Oval Office to find a very anxious looking General waiting for him. Before the President has a chance to speak, the General says, "Sir, this morning three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."
The President sat down behind his desk and looked deep in thought and grief. All the White House Staff were moved past their views that he was a few votes short of a Florida by his obvious care for some foreign troops.
The Commander in Chief looked up and said,
Spoiler:
"How many in a Brazillion?"
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby bigglesworth » Fri May 23, 2008 5:22 pm UTC

I'm a afraid I couldn't find a physics joke thread, so this'll count as applied mathematics:

"A gay walks into a gay bar and is mutually annihilated."

Spoiler:
___
Gay
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Zohar » Sat May 24, 2008 8:18 am UTC

I... don't get it? If they're all gay, why is he anti-gay?
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby hyperion » Sat May 24, 2008 8:23 am UTC

Zohar wrote:I... don't get it? If they're all gay, why is he anti-gay?

wikipedia wrote:The antiproton (p, pronounced p-bar) is the antiparticle of the proton.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby tricky77puzzle » Sun May 25, 2008 1:23 am UTC

Nimz wrote:
tricky77puzzle wrote:"Here ya go: Dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd. Dat's one hundred."
I don't see that it's much of a stretch :roll:


Since when did I write that?

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Various Varieties » Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:41 pm UTC

Remember that maths joke book I posted about a couple of pages back, "Comic Sections"?

Well, before returning it to the library I copied out a load of jokes and quotations from it (it looks like someone else has also copied out some of them word for word!), and I decided to post some of them in this topic.

First, a puzzle:

If one Mona Lisa is worth £50 million, how much are two Monae Lisae worth?

---

Some poetry:

A mathematician confided
That a Möbius strip is one-sides;
And he said with a laugh
"If you cut one in half
It stays in one piece though divided."

A mathematician called Klein
Thought the Möbius strip was divine;
And he said, "If you glue
The end edges of two
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."

It's a favourite project of mine
Some new value of pi to assign
I would fix it at 3
Much simpler 'twould be
Than 3 point one four one five nine.

If I were selected and given
The keys of the Kingdom of Heaven
I'd leave in the cold
All that legion untold
Who think pi's 22 over 7.

Give me half a dozen monkeys
Set them to the lettered keys
And instruct those simian flunkies
Just to hit them as they please.
Lo! The anthropoid plebians
Toiling at their careless plan
Would in the course of countless aeons
Duplicate the law of man.


As Decartes lay on his bed
A fly buzzed around overhead.
"I think, so I am,
And that fly's in a jam
When he reaches the point (x,y,z)."

---

4 + π5)1/6 = 2.7182818
Proof you can have your pi and e to it too. :)

---

Three statisticians were out duck shooting.
The first aimed his shot 6" above the duck's head and missed.
The second aimed his shot 6" below the duck's head and missed.
"We got him!" shouted the third.

---

A man went to the post office to post a fishing rod which was five feet long and all in one piece. He was upset to find that the maximum parcel length the post office would accept was four feet.
He solved the problem by placing the fishing rod diagonally in a rectangular box of length four feet and width three feet.

---

A PAPER IN WHICH THE TITLE IS LONGER THAN THE STATEMENT OF THE RESULT WHICH IS IN TURN LONGER THAN THE PROOF OF THE RESULT.

Theorem: If a real sequence is both arithmetic and geometric then it is a constant sequence.

Proof: Let the sequence be a-d, a, a+d, ...
Then a^2 = (a - d)(a + d) = a^2 - d^2
==> d=0


---

PAGE 347: ERRATA
  • Page 347: For "Errata" read "Erratum"

---

A huge bridge collapsed, and the consultant engineer who designed it was arrested and charged with professional incompetence. At his trial he blamed everything and everybody except himself. He blamed the materials, the workers and he blamed the supervisors. He even blamed the mathematicians who had produced the tables on which he had based his calculations: "They were so ignorant, they spelled cos with an 'h'!"

---

A physicist once proved that no odd integer could have a non-trivial factor. He cited 1, 3, 5 and 7. He had some trouble with 9, but one proceeding he found that the pattern held for 11 and 13. Finally he put 9 down to experimental error.

---

Jesus Christ could never have become a professor of mathematics. All are agreed that he was a wonderful teacher, but he never published anything.

---

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were marooned on a desert island. The only food they had was a can of beans and they had no means of opening it.

The engineer wandered off looking for a rock with which to break the can.

The physicist conducted various experiments by rolling the can down inclined planes. By calculating moments of inertia he was able to estimate the number of beans in the can, and he concluded that there wouldn't be enough for a square meal for all three of them.

The mathematician said, "Suppose we have a tin opener..."

---

A mathematician asked his little girl what she was currently learning in school.
"We're doing gozintas at the moment," she told him.
"Gozintas?" he asked her. "What on Earth are they?"
"You know," she said, "three gozinta six, five gozinta ten."

---

The following sentence would be the true test of a computer translation system:
Drink this drink of soft drink to avoid getting drunk by drinking drink.

---

Albert Einstein once visited the University of Chicago's physics department and was taken on a tour of the laboratories. The physics graduate students proudly displayed their experiments. To one of them Einstein offered a suggestion, but the young man quickly explained why the idea couldn't work.

Einstein shook his head sadly. "My ideas are never any good," he said.

---

When two cats are sitting on an inclined plane, which one will fall off first?

The one with the smaller μ.

---

A large mathematicical conference was once held in Las Vegas, heavily sponsored by the city authorities. However, it was decided not to repeat the offer because the mathematicians showed no interest in the casinos or gambling.

---

[math]\int \frac{1}{cabin}\, d(cabin) = log(cabin) + C[/math]

---

[math]\mbox{LIFE} = \int_{BIRTH}^{DEATH} HAPPINESS(T)\, dT[/math]

---

Daniel Gorenstein, one of the driving forces behind the classification of finite simple groups, toured the world talking in all sorts of places about the classification. One one trip he was accompanied by his chauffeur, a bright young man with some knowledge of mathematics. One eveningm Gorenstein was so exhaused he said to his driver, "Look, you deliver the lecture, you've heard it a dozen times. Here are the notes and I'll have a sleep in the car."

All went well until the lecture was interrupted by a smartass research student who asked, "Would it not be possible to control fusion in the 2-closed case using category theory?"

"I'm surprised to hear such an elementary question coming from a distinguished audience such as this," said the speaker without batting an eyelid. "Why, that's such an easy question, I bet even my chauffeur could answer it!"

---

A maths teacher gave a test with nine questions for 100 marks, so each question scored 11.1111... marks. One student got all the questions right and so he got 99.9999... marks.

"How is it," he asked the teacher, "that I got all the questions right but I didn't get full marks?

"Well," said the teacher, "that's the limit."

---

There once was a Native American chief who had three wives. They were allowed to choose bedding on which to sleep and each wife chose according to her taste. The first chose a luxurious hippopotamus skin, the second a lion skin and the third a tiger skin.

In the fullness of time, the first wife brought forth triplets, the second had twins but the third wife could only manage a single baby.

The moral of the story is: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

---


Okay that's enough for now. :) There are loads of great quotations in the book, too...
Last edited by Various Varieties on Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:19 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby bigglesworth » Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:07 pm UTC

Various Varieties wrote:---

The following sentence would be the true test of a computer translation system:
Drink this drink of soft drink to avoid getting drunk by drinking drink.


Yahoo babelfish manages it quite easily.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby oxoiron » Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:41 pm UTC

Various Varieties wrote:There once was a Native American chief who had three wives. They were allowed to choose bedding on which to sleep and each wife chose according to her taste. The first chose a luxurious hippopotamus skin, the second a lion skin and the third a tiger skin.
I like the way they chose three animals that don't live in America.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Various Varieties » Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:29 pm UTC

bigglesworth wrote:
Various Varieties wrote:The following sentence would be the true test of a computer translation system:
Drink this drink of soft drink to avoid getting drunk by drinking drink.


Yahoo babelfish manages it quite easily.

Does it? Well, the book I took it from was published in the early '90s, so perhaps it seemed rather challenging back then!

(Maybe you could do a similar sentence based around "set", as that's the English word with the most meanings...)

oxoiron wrote:I like the way they chose three animals that don't live in America.

When it leads to a pun like that, does it really matter? :)

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby bigglesworth » Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:00 pm UTC

oxoiron wrote:]I like the way they chose three animals that don't live in America.


I like the way we're systematically destroying the jokes. :D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby stok » Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:17 pm UTC

there are 10 kinds of people: people who understand binary numbers, people who do not, and people who confuse them with trinary numbers.

Why do mathematicians confuse halloween with christmas? 25 Dec = 31 Oct

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Frimble » Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:39 pm UTC

Q. Quel est un cercle?

Spoiler:
A. C'nest Poincarè.
"Absolute precision buys the freedom to dream meaningfully." - Donal O' Shea: The Poincaré Conjecture.
"We need a reality check here. Roll a D20." - Algernon the Radish
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Dobblesworth » Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:41 pm UTC

[quot=Various Varieties]When two cats are sitting on an inclined plane, which one will fall off first?
The one with the smaller μ.[/quote]
Assuming both cats have the same total mass and are sitting parallel to one-another on the same line of slope. Also assuming the distance between the two on the inclined plane is negligible enough to not affect acceleration due to gravity for the two cats.

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Shakleton
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Shakleton » Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:46 pm UTC

Various Varieties wrote:The moral of the story is: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.


Dude, that HURT!
mikekearn wrote:You even have an appropriate shirt. Excellent.

Furkins
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Furkins » Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:35 pm UTC

Frimble wrote:Q. Quel est un cercle?

Spoiler:
A. C'nest Poincarè.


Hah! I get it! I'm sooo good!

Teppic
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Teppic » Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:52 pm UTC

An old joke, surprised it hasnt been posted;

During the soviet block era, a polish scientist, a mathematician, and his brother want to escape to the west. They fall on a plan to hijack a aeroplane. They rush the airport guards get on the flight deck and barracked themselves in. Suddenly they realise they have overlooked the difficulties of flying. They elect the mathematicians retarded brother to give it a go.

He sits down at the controls and studies them for 5 minutes, the guards are shooting at them, they scream at him HURRY UP YOU FOOL. He replies, look Im sorry but its difficult, Im but a simple pole in a complex plane.

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Frimble
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Frimble » Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:39 pm UTC

Furkins wrote:
Frimble wrote:Q. Quel est un cercle?

Spoiler:
A. Ce'nest Poincarè.


Hah! I get it! I'm sooo good!


Even despite my atrocious spelling?
"Absolute precision buys the freedom to dream meaningfully." - Donal O' Shea: The Poincaré Conjecture.
"We need a reality check here. Roll a D20." - Algernon the Radish
"Should I marry W? Not unless she tells me what the other letters in her name are" Woody Allen.

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Naurgul
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Naurgul » Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:47 pm UTC

Here's one I just came up with while reading this thread. I hope it's not abysmal, at least:

    Mathematics are like Divinity. You feel both fear and respect for them, they're both imaginary and real in some sense, and they are always accompanied by an unending and futile effort to understand them.

*goes back to reading the rest of the thread*
Praised be the nightmare, which reveals to us that we have the power to create hell.


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