Favorite math jokes

For the discussion of math. Duh.

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Sizik
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Sizik » Sat Jun 09, 2012 6:36 am UTC

A logician, a programmer, and a topologist walk into a coffee shop. The waitress asks "Coffee or a bagel?" The logician responds "yes", the programmer replies "EBFFEF", and the topologist says "What's the difference?"
gmalivuk wrote:
King Author wrote:If space (rather, distance) is an illusion, it'd be possible for one meta-me to experience both body's sensory inputs.
Yes. And if wishes were horses, wishing wells would fill up very quickly with drowned horses.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Xanthir » Sat Jun 09, 2012 5:58 pm UTC

Is the programmer just spouting random hex numbers? That's vaguely similar to the utf8 BOM, but not it, and that would still be nonsensical.
(defun fibs (n &optional (a 1) (b 1)) (take n (unfold '+ a b)))

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby chridd » Sat Jun 09, 2012 6:29 pm UTC

Xanthir wrote:Is the programmer just spouting random hex numbers? That's vaguely similar to the utf8 BOM, but not it, and that would still be nonsensical.
I think it's 0xC0FFEE | 0xABA6E1 (bitwise or).
It took me a while to realize that I should include the A in "a bagel", and also sort of confused me because G isn't a hex digit.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Xanthir » Sat Jun 09, 2012 7:08 pm UTC

Ah, that makes sense. I don't think it's a very good part of the joke (requires you to do a 1337 conversion followed by a bit op on 24 bits), but at least it's not nonsense.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Sat Jun 09, 2012 7:17 pm UTC

Thanks for clarifying this, I couldn't figure it out.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Diadem » Sat Jun 09, 2012 7:17 pm UTC

Would have worked better with just 0xC0FFEE as an answer. Perhaps not as 'correct', but at least it makes the joke gettable (which is totally a word).
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby chuckgs » Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:39 pm UTC

I totally loved that one

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Sizik » Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:22 pm UTC

Yeah, the programmer part was kind of not thought out well enough, since I didn't want to have only two people go into what was originally a doughnut shop.
gmalivuk wrote:
King Author wrote:If space (rather, distance) is an illusion, it'd be possible for one meta-me to experience both body's sensory inputs.
Yes. And if wishes were horses, wishing wells would fill up very quickly with drowned horses.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby messy » Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:20 pm UTC

Pesto wrote:Q. What did the zero say to the eight?

A. Nice belt.


not only is this one of the few jokes in this thread that i get, it actually makes me giggle uncontrollably.

thank you, mr. pesto.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby mouseposture » Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:28 pm UTC

Sizik wrote:Yeah, the programmer part was kind of not thought out well enough.


There are unproveable statements which are nonetheless true, and ungettable jokes that are nonetheless funny. And yours is very funny as it stands.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Diadem » Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:40 pm UTC

mouseposture wrote:
Sizik wrote:Yeah, the programmer part was kind of not thought out well enough.


There are unproveable statements which are nonetheless true, and ungettable jokes that are nonetheless funny. And yours is very funny as it stands.

I guess that's Gödel's first theorem of humor.

Gödel's second theorem says that for given set of tropes, you can only proof that they combine into funny jokes if and only if they are ungettable.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Yakk » Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:18 pm UTC

We could throw some other references into it, with a hint as well:

Kurt Gödel, a 1337 haxx0r and Emily Noether walk into a coffee shop. The waitress asks "Coffee or a bagel?" The logician responds "yes", the programmer replies "EBFFEF", and the topologist says "What's the difference?"
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Sizik » Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:22 pm UTC

I was also thinking of having the waitress mention something about low stocks, so they could only get one item or the other, making the logician's response a tad more confounding.
gmalivuk wrote:
King Author wrote:If space (rather, distance) is an illusion, it'd be possible for one meta-me to experience both body's sensory inputs.
Yes. And if wishes were horses, wishing wells would fill up very quickly with drowned horses.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Krealr » Thu Oct 31, 2013 7:38 pm UTC

(P + L)(A + N)

= PA + PN + LA +LN

I foiled your plan!

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Cauchy » Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:58 pm UTC

Did you guys hear the one about 288?

Actually, never mind, I shouldn't tell you. It's two gross.
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Re:

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Sun Aug 17, 2014 9:48 am UTC

bbctol wrote:A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more!"
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!"
Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."


I'd be that wife.
But no... I love math too much that I wouldn't let a man get in my way x'D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Sun Aug 17, 2014 10:29 am UTC

natenshisky wrote:I stole this from another forum, its great.

Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite sudenly, 3 branches of a hyperbola touched het at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to no good. "Eureka," she gasped. "Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you are bubbling over with secs." "Oh, sir," she protested. "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary." "I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's homogeneous then." "What order are you?" the brute demanded. "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he asked.

"Of course not!" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent." "Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit." "Never," gasped Polly. "Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal. When Polly got home that night, her mother became frightened and stated "You're traveling in a forward direction to your auntie + uncle unit in the graph of Bel Air". I whistled for a cab and when it approached, the license plane said "New" and there were dotted cubes in the reflector, if anything I could state that this cab had a lesser chance than the rest but I thought disregard that fact, if you could operator, follow the lines that lead to Bel Air! I approached the compilation of three dimensional objects about 7/12 or 2/3 and I yelled to the operator attention, smell you some other time on this planar area! Looked at my Math house, My graph had finally reached a closed point, to finalize on my algorithmically correct point as the prince of the graph known as Bel Air.



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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Sun Aug 17, 2014 11:14 am UTC

I don't know if these have been posted before, but they're ones that I think I've made, so... yeah.

1. Want to come back to my place and map my topology?
2. A psychologist shows a mathematician into a round room, and tells her to sit in the corner. She picks an arbitrary point along the circumference of the room and sits there.
3. What conjectures if you pick any positive integer greater than one, and if it's even halve it, and if it's odd triple it and add one, and if you repeat this process for this new number as many times as needed, you'll eventually pass out from exhaustion? The Collapse Conjecture!

One that doogly had told me: The Gauss-Bonnet theorem states that if you carefully check the curvature at every point on a surface, you'll know exactly how many holes it has!

Another one is more of a sudden realization that turned out to be funny, a partial derivative (no pun intended here) of another joke that may or may not have been mentioned before.

My username is no joke. I particularly like difficult, complicated problems. I also like lengthy proofs and lengthy problems. I've also fantasized about working on said problems throughout the night at my desk. I guess you could say I love my math problems long and hard, and I want to throw them on the table and do them all night long... x'D I guess you could also consider the times I'm working out a problem or contemplating on a theory for erotic intentions... mathturbation/mathurbation...

x'D

I'm filled with math jokes, but most have already been mentioned, and the rest aren't that good x'D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Mon Aug 18, 2014 7:01 pm UTC

Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish wrote:I guess you could say I love my math problems long and hard, and I want to throw them on the table and do them all night long... x'D

You are not kidding about your math fetish :D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Quizatzhaderac » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:52 pm UTC

I'm tempted to do the Heisenberg one, but I bet it's already somewhere in the 34 pages, just not sure where because I know how fast it's moving.

I have an original one:

Xeno challenged Cantor to a foot race.

In the first second, Xeno took a big step and covered half the distance, Cantor only covered a third.
In the second second, Xeno took a step that covered a fourth of the total distances. Cantor took two steps each covering a ninth of the total distance.

A large, but finite time later, the observers noticed both were very close and consistently moving forward, but Xeno was closer and moving faster.

After an infinite amount of time, Xeno finishes. He turns around and is surprised to see Cantor back at the start.
"How are you at the start?! You never moved back and you covered the whole length!"
"What does that have to do with anything? I still have the same number of points left to travel!"
Last edited by Quizatzhaderac on Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:16 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Moole » Thu Sep 11, 2014 1:52 am UTC

How does a topologist dry their clothes?

Spoiler:
With a closed line!
Mathematical hangover (n.): The feeling one gets in the morning when they realize that that short, elementary proof of the Riemann hypothesis that they came up with at midnight the night before is, in fact, nonsense.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Flumble » Thu Sep 11, 2014 8:39 am UTC

Since I'm expecting it's a topology joke just out of reach for me, could you please elaborate on the funny? :mrgreen:
(it isn't merely a pun on clothes<->closed or the fact that a mathematician must specify that the line is a closed segment, right?)

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Moole » Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:45 pm UTC

Flumble wrote:Since I'm expecting it's a topology joke just out of reach for me, could you please elaborate on the funny? :mrgreen:
(it isn't merely a pun on clothes<->closed or the fact that a mathematician must specify that the line is a closed segment, right?)


I was thinking more of along the lines that the set of points forming a clothes line is a closed set (as it is just a curve containing its endpoints). Though, primarily, it's a pun; it just happens to be true (I mean, how is a topologist going to earn enough money to afford a drying machine?).
Mathematical hangover (n.): The feeling one gets in the morning when they realize that that short, elementary proof of the Riemann hypothesis that they came up with at midnight the night before is, in fact, nonsense.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Moole » Sun Oct 19, 2014 12:05 am UTC

I'm fairly proud of this one.

What do you call a piece of leather with area equal to the square of the radius of a cow?
Spoiler:
A steer-radian
Mathematical hangover (n.): The feeling one gets in the morning when they realize that that short, elementary proof of the Riemann hypothesis that they came up with at midnight the night before is, in fact, nonsense.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Sun Oct 19, 2014 9:10 am UTC

I don't get it.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Eebster the Great » Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:43 am UTC

It's a pun on steradian and steer.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Sun Oct 19, 2014 7:18 pm UTC

Ah, thanks. That's funny :D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby mathmannix » Mon Oct 20, 2014 1:58 pm UTC

I was expecting something about cow-pi...
I hear velociraptor tastes like chicken.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby skullturf » Mon Oct 20, 2014 5:52 pm UTC

These are a little silly, but...

What does an analytic number theorist say when drowning?

Log log, log log...

What kind of baseball bat does an analytic number theorist use?

A Liouville Slugger.

What's an analytic number theorist's favorite Star Wars character?

Landau Calrissian.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Tmabbbb » Tue Oct 21, 2014 8:07 am UTC

This is one some friends came up with the other day:

How do you open a closed door?

Complement it.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Fri Oct 24, 2014 8:58 pm UTC

skullturf wrote:These are a little silly, but...

What does an analytic number theorist say when drowning?

Log log, log log...

What kind of baseball bat does an analytic number theorist use?

A Liouville Slugger.

What's an analytic number theorist's favorite Star Wars character?

Landau Calrissian.

I don't get any of these.

Tmabbbb wrote:This is one some friends came up with the other day:

How do you open a closed door?

Complement it.

:lol:
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby PM 2Ring » Sat Oct 25, 2014 4:08 am UTC

@Monika

Hillerich & Bradsby
Wikipedia wrote:Hillerich & Bradsby Company is a company located in Louisville, Kentucky that produces the famous Louisville Slugger baseball bat. The Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory in downtown Louisville features a retrospective of the product and its use throughout baseball history.

[...]

History

J. F. Hillerich opened his woodworking shop in Louisville in 1855. During the 1880s, Hillerich hired his seventeen-year-old son, John "Bud" Hillerich. Legend has it that Bud, who played baseball himself, slipped away from work one afternoon in 1884 to watch Louisville's major league team, the Louisville Eclipse. The team's star, Pete "The Gladiator" Browning, mired in a hitting slump, broke his bat.

Bud invited Browning to his father's shop to hand-craft him a new bat to his own specifications. Browning accepted the offer, and got three hits to immediately break out of his slump with his new bat the first day he used it. Browning told his teammates, which began a surge of professional ball players to the Hillerich woodworking shop.

J. F. Hillerich was uninterested in making bats; he saw the company future in stair railings, porch columns and swinging butter churns. In fact, for a brief time in the 1880s, he even turned away ball players. Bud, however, saw the potential in producing baseball bats, and the elder Hillerich eventually relented to his son.

The bats were sold under the name "Falls City Slugger" until Bud Hillerich took over his father's company in 1894, and the name "Louisville Slugger" was registered with the U.S. Patent Office. In 1905, Honus Wagner signed a deal with the company, becoming the first baseball player to officially endorse a bat.


Joseph Liouville
Wikipedia wrote:Joseph Liouville; 24 March 1809 – 8 September 1882) was a French mathematician.

[...]

Besides his academic achievements, he was very talented in organisational matters. Liouville founded the Journal de Mathématiques Pures et Appliquées which retains its high reputation up to today, in order to promote other mathematicians' work. He was the first to read, and to recognize, the importance of the unpublished work of Évariste Galois which appeared in his journal in 1846.

[...]

Liouville worked in a number of different fields in mathematics, including number theory, complex analysis, differential geometry and topology, but also mathematical physics and even astronomy. He is remembered particularly for Liouville's theorem, a nowadays rather basic result in complex analysis. In number theory, he was the first to prove the existence of transcendental numbers by a construction using continued fractions (Liouville numbers).

In mathematical physics, Liouville made two fundamental contributions: the Sturm–Liouville theory, which was joint work with Charles François Sturm, and is now a standard procedure to solve certain types of integral equations by developing into eigenfunctions, and the fact (also known as Liouville's theorem) that time evolution is measure preserving for a Hamiltonian system.

In Hamiltonian dynamics, Liouville also introduced the notion of action-angle variables as a description of completely integrable systems. The modern formulation of this is sometimes called the Liouville-Arnold theorem, and the underlying concept of integrability is referred to as Liouville integrability.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Eebster the Great » Sat Oct 25, 2014 5:13 am UTC

Lando Calrissian was the baron of Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back, while Edmund Landau was a number theorist.

I'm not sure I get the drowning number theorist joke, but it seems to be a play on "log log" (the logarithm of a logarithm) and "glug glug" (a drowning noise).

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby skullturf » Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:09 pm UTC

Yep. Those explanations are all correct. I fully admit that my jokes were kind of forced and contrived.

An iterated logarithm sometimes appears in analytic number theory or other branches of math that deal with asymptotics. And it kind of sounds like "glug glug".

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:12 pm UTC

Monika wrote:
Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish wrote:I guess you could say I love my math problems long and hard, and I want to throw them on the table and do them all night long... x'D

You are not kidding about your math fetish :D

Not at all ;)
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:18 pm UTC

Why are topologists the best people to be monogamous with?
They understand flexible invariant relationships really well.

(alright, that was a bad joke). xD
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Moole » Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:00 am UTC

skullturf wrote:Yep. Those explanations are all correct. I fully admit that my jokes were kind of forced and contrived.

An iterated logarithm sometimes appears in analytic number theory or other branches of math that deal with asymptotics. And it kind of sounds like "glug glug".


But in circles where people write ln, I think it works better for a choking analytic number theorist "ln ln, ln ln, ln ln, ...". (But, of course, I think writing ln is silly, since why would "log" be anything other than the natural choice for the base thereof? Then again, asymptoticists (new word) don't care anyways because they're just a constant multiple different)

But, so that I don't write a post with no joke, here's four not-very-good ones (the quantity is to compensate for the quality):

What do you call it when a mathematician steals nothing?
Spoiler:
Additive identity theft


What is the condition where someone is only capable of having one child?
Spoiler:
Idempotence


Why was the 0 map fired from the company of linear transformations when it merged with the company of affine transformations?
Spoiler:
He stopped commuting


Why did the topologists insist that their relationship had lasted "up to and including the point of the breakup"?
Spoiler:
They wanted closure
Mathematical hangover (n.): The feeling one gets in the morning when they realize that that short, elementary proof of the Riemann hypothesis that they came up with at midnight the night before is, in fact, nonsense.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Girl-With-A-Math-Fetish » Mon Oct 27, 2014 2:07 am UTC

Moole wrote:Why did the topologists insist that their relationship had lasted "up to and including the point of the breakup"?
Spoiler:
They wanted closure


This one I understood.
BWAHAHAHAHA xD
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby mosgi » Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:28 pm UTC

Moole wrote:Why did the topologists insist that their relationship had lasted "up to and including the point of the breakup"?
Spoiler:
They wanted closure


That's brilliant :D

I don't have any good jokes, but I did remember there's a page with quotes from some of our lecturers. Here are a few of the funnier ones:

"Theorem 1 - which was called Ramsey's theorem - and theorem 3 is called Ramsey's theorem as well. We've got two theorems next time, which are also called Ramsey's theorem."

(where you'd normally write "QED") "I WIN." (sadly, this isn't the same lecturer who teaches "for all" vs. "there exists" by saying things like "your opponent gives you an x, then you have to pick a y, etc.")

"What is mathematics for but to baffle the non-mathematicians?"
(they pronouns please)

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Quizatzhaderac
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Quizatzhaderac » Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:12 pm UTC

No so much a joke as a riddle:

When is a tree, not a tree?
Spoiler:
When it inosculates!
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The thing about recursion problems is that they tend to contain other recursion problems.


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