Bad science jokes!

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Arkham
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Bad science jokes!

Postby Arkham » Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:14 pm UTC

Lets hear em!

Here is my entry:

Q:Where do physicists go after a hard day's work to relax?


A: The H-Bar!

(But i would imagine they would complain about the very small serving sizes of the drinks)

snoods
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby snoods » Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:18 pm UTC

My physics teacher said I have potential.


So he shoved me off a roof.

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Tass
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Tass » Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:21 am UTC

Arkham wrote:Lets hear em!

Here is my entry:

Q:Where do physicists go after a hard day's work to relax?


A: The H-Bar!

(But i would imagine they would complain about the very small serving sizes of the drinks)


Q: And where do the computer scientists go?


A: The progress bar!

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Triss Hawkeye
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Triss Hawkeye » Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:24 pm UTC

The most groan-worthy (IMO):

Atom 1: I think I've lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: I'm positive!

Which would make Atom 1 Ion 1 really, but shhhh....

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The Geoff
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby The Geoff » Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:32 am UTC

Newton, Pascal and Einstein were playing hide-and-seek. Einstein counted to 100, then turned around to see Newton, who had drawn a square on the floor and was sitting inside it.
"Well, I've found you Newton!" he said.
"No," came the reply, "you've found one Newton per square metre."
Newton pulled out a surprisingly modern pair of sunglasses - "You've found Pascal."

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yurell
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby yurell » Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:51 am UTC

One of my friends was trying to think of names for the physics lounge at is uni. Suggestions included:
ψ-φ Lounge
Fortress of Soliton
And of course the ħ
cemper93 wrote:Dude, I just presented an elaborate multiple fraction in Comic Sans. Who are you to question me?


Pronouns: Feminine pronouns please!

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The Geoff
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby The Geoff » Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:06 am UTC

yurell wrote:One of my friends was trying to think of names for the physics lounge at is uni. Suggestions included:
ψ-φ Lounge
Fortress of Soliton
And of course the ħ


Or simply "The Moon", should it be lacking any atmosphere. (Shamelessly ripped off from Edinburgh Uni's Pollock bar. In the end they gave up and officially named it The Moon.)

johnny_7713
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby johnny_7713 » Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:04 am UTC

The Geoff wrote:
yurell wrote:One of my friends was trying to think of names for the physics lounge at is uni. Suggestions included:
ψ-φ Lounge
Fortress of Soliton
And of course the ħ


Or simply "The Moon", should it be lacking any atmosphere. (Shamelessly ripped off from Edinburgh Uni's Pollock bar. In the end they gave up and officially named it The Moon.)


At my faculty of aerospace engineering the bar is in fact named the Atmosphere (well, in Dutch, but still). The Electrical Engineering, Mathematics & Computer Science faculty bar is named the /Pub.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Giallo » Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:47 pm UTC

"An espresso, please."
"What can I serve you?"
A tachion walks in a bar.
"Ich bin ein Teil von jener Kraft, die stets das Böse will und stets das Gute schafft."

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ekolis
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby ekolis » Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:48 pm UTC

A college physics professor used this mnemonic in one lecture I attended...

So, trucks need to go to the weigh station to be weighed, OK? And they weigh trucks in tons, so the scale they use is called a "ton-meter". (draws a ton-meter on whiteboard) Now a lot of these ton-meters are old and worn-out... but sometimes they have to be replaced with new ones. And these new ton-meters are all bright and shiny, because they're brand new. They're shiny, sort of like a jewel! (draws rays of light emanating from the ton-meter) So that's how you remember: a new ton-meter is a jewel!

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Kang
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Kang » Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:37 am UTC

ekolis wrote:A college physics professor used this mnemonic in one lecture I attended...

So, trucks need to go to the weigh station to be weighed, OK? And they weigh trucks in tons, so the scale they use is called a "ton-meter". (draws a ton-meter on whiteboard) Now a lot of these ton-meters are old and worn-out... but sometimes they have to be replaced with new ones. And these new ton-meters are all bright and shiny, because they're brand new. They're shiny, sort of like a jewel! (draws rays of light emanating from the ton-meter) So that's how you remember: a new ton-meter is a jewel!

That's actually pretty funny. I remembere a theoretical physicist gave us a great hint in first semester, I think about something in matrix math:
«Take the lines first and the columns second. Here's how you can easily remember that: 'lines first!'» Yea... thanks for pointing that out.

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Gigano
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Gigano » Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:42 am UTC

The following I think are particularly groan-worthy (and stolen, naturally).

1) An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The disease responds: "Well, you're not a very good host."

2) A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve neutrino's here." The neutrino replies: "Hey, I'm just passing through."

3) Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

4) Also, at the faculty of mathematics at the University of Utrecht (Nl.) only the floors that are prime numbers have coffee machines.

5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).
Omne ignotum pro magnifico.

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Euler
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Euler » Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:38 pm UTC

Where do statisticians go after a long day of work?
The error bar.

What do you do with deal chemists?
Well, now that they argon, we barium.

What does silver say when he tried to get the attention of gold?
AU!

A Proton and a Neutron walk through a field. The neutron says, "Oh god, I think I've lost an electron!" the proton says "Are you sure?". The neutron says "I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine?
He died of an overdose.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

How do Nuclei converse?
Cellular phones.

How many asexual beings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, asuxuals don't screw.

You guys must be asking if I have any jokes about sodium...
Na.
Image
"Six by nine. Forty two."
"That's it. That's all there is."
"I always thought something was fundamentally wrong with the universe"

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Sizik
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Sizik » Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:16 pm UTC

Why couldn't the fortune teller predict the modern age?

Because her predictions were prescience!
gmalivuk wrote:
King Author wrote:If space (rather, distance) is an illusion, it'd be possible for one meta-me to experience both body's sensory inputs.
Yes. And if wishes were horses, wishing wells would fill up very quickly with drowned horses.

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Shivahn
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Shivahn » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:39 am UTC

Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.

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The Geoff
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby The Geoff » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:44 am UTC

An old classic, but lets get it out of the way:

An electron is pulled over by the police. The police officer asks him to wind down the window and asks "Excuse me sir, but do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," replied the electron, "but I know exactly where I am."

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Mishka_shaw
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Mishka_shaw » Mon Nov 21, 2011 9:44 am UTC

There are two branches of Judaisim.
Hasidic and Alkaline.

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AvatarIII
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:23 am UTC

Arkham wrote:Lets hear em!

Here is my entry:

Q:Where do physicists go after a hard day's work to relax?


A: The H-Bar!

(But i would imagine they would complain about the very small serving sizes of the drinks)


Where would you find your average mathematician after a hard day's work?
Spoiler:
The x-bar


Why do the space navy hold funerals at light speed?
Spoiler:
So they can be buried at C

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PM 2Ring
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby PM 2Ring » Mon Nov 21, 2011 3:35 pm UTC


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Gigano
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Gigano » Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:35 pm UTC

Shivahn wrote:
Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.


I had forgotten that a number of countries use a period where I would use a comma.
Omne ignotum pro magnifico.

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Shivahn
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Shivahn » Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:16 pm UTC

Heh, no reason to change that, I just thought it was funny that I spent five seconds going "Man, if that's true then I'm pretty sure I should be floating."

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KrO2
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby KrO2 » Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:54 am UTC

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. It collapses into a singularity.

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The Geoff
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby The Geoff » Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:04 pm UTC

Gigano wrote:
Shivahn wrote:
Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.


I had forgotten that a number of countries use a period where I would use a comma.


There's a few. At a guess maybe 10,11 of them.

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Gigano
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Gigano » Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:36 pm UTC

The Geoff wrote:
Gigano wrote:
Shivahn wrote:
Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.


I had forgotten that a number of countries use a period where I would use a comma.


There's a few. At a guess maybe 10,11 of them.


Still, several of those countries are inhabited by a few hundred million, making it very hard to overlook them.
Omne ignotum pro magnifico.

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eSOANEM
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby eSOANEM » Wed Nov 23, 2011 3:41 pm UTC

KrO2 wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. It collapses into a singularity.


This reminds of another joke about people and bars.

Three students, a biologist, a physicist and a mathematician have been asked to perform a survey by the students' union to see how many people use the bar.

Over the course of the day, they see thirty-six people go in and thirty-seven people come out. The biologist says "they must have reproduced", the physicist says "one of our measurements was wrong" and the mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the bar will be empty".
my pronouns are they

Magnanimous wrote:(fuck the macrons)

snoods
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby snoods » Thu Nov 24, 2011 12:04 am UTC

I don't like entropy any more. It just isn't what it used to be.

johnny_7713
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby johnny_7713 » Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:14 am UTC

Gigano wrote:
The Geoff wrote:
Gigano wrote:
Shivahn wrote:
Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.


I had forgotten that a number of countries use a period where I would use a comma.


There's a few. At a guess maybe 10,11 of them.


Still, several of those countries are inhabited by a few hundred million, making it very hard to overlook them.


Since all our work at university has to be done in English (and thus use a decimal point) I sometimes forget I'm from a country that uses a comma where I would use a point. Also I see what you did there ;)

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Tass
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Tass » Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:26 pm UTC

johnny_7713 wrote:
Gigano wrote:
The Geoff wrote:
Gigano wrote:
Shivahn wrote:
Gigano wrote:5) A mnemonic to remember the density of air at 273 K (1,293 kg/m³ - this was years ago, it has changed) I learned went as follows: first you are alone (1), then you're together (2) and nine months later (9) there are three of you (3).

I was extremely confused until I remembered that a lot of countries use commas where I would use a period.


I had forgotten that a number of countries use a period where I would use a comma.


There's a few. At a guess maybe 10,11 of them.


Still, several of those countries are inhabited by a few hundred million, making it very hard to overlook them.


Since all our work at university has to be done in English (and thus use a decimal point) I sometimes forget I'm from a country that uses a comma where I would use a point. Also I see what you did there ;)


Heh, same here.

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Jorpho
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Jorpho » Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:00 am UTC

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!

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NoodleIncident
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby NoodleIncident » Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:48 pm UTC

Wanna hear a joke?



Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...














:D
Zagibu wrote:Don't ask how many times I've accidentially spawned an alligator completely covered in adamantine with a battle axe strapped to its tail.

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Jorpho
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Jorpho » Sun Nov 27, 2011 7:29 pm UTC

Euler wrote:You guys must be asking if I have any jokes about sodium...
Na.
Do you want to hear a joke about potassium instead?
K.

Giallo
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Giallo » Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:07 pm UTC

NoodleIncident wrote:Wanna hear a joke?



Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...


This one was kinda mean...
"Ich bin ein Teil von jener Kraft, die stets das Böse will und stets das Gute schafft."

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Diadem
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Diadem » Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:36 pm UTC

Jorpho wrote:
Euler wrote:You guys must be asking if I have any jokes about sodium...
Na.
Do you want to hear a joke about potassium instead?
K.

What about a joke involving Nobelium?
No, I only like jokes about Yttrium
Why?
It's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I have an independent mind, you are an eccentric, he is round the twist
- Bernard Woolley in Yes, Prime Minister

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AvatarIII
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:23 pm UTC

this conversation reminds me of this SMBC classic

Spoiler:
Image

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db ... 2349#comic
Last edited by AvatarIII on Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:31 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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yurell
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby yurell » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:26 pm UTC

May want to stick that in a spoiler tag ^.^
cemper93 wrote:Dude, I just presented an elaborate multiple fraction in Comic Sans. Who are you to question me?


Pronouns: Feminine pronouns please!

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AvatarIII
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:33 pm UTC

done, I didn't think it would matter because although it's tall, it's not overly wide, but I guess it's a good idea.

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Proginoskes
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Proginoskes » Tue Nov 29, 2011 7:45 am UTC

The integral of 1/x is ln(x) + C.

The integral of 1/u is ln(u) + C.

The integral of 1/cabin is houseboat: Log cabin plus sea.

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quadmaster
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby quadmaster » Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:21 am UTC

Why did Euler get famous for looking in his toilet?

he found a natural log.
I... I didn't do it.
<- he did it, I swear

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Proginoskes
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Proginoskes » Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:53 am UTC

At the beginning of class, I need to test the markers on the marker board. (I teach math at ASU.) Instead of drawing generic wiggly lines, I've decided to make sketches with math terms as punchlines, the worse the better.

The most recent one was when I drew an airplane in the sky, and on the side of it, I wrote "f(theta) = y/x". It of course is a tangent plane.

Next, draw some horizontal lines, and some arrows pointing up from them. That's a vector field.

Arkham
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Arkham » Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:48 pm UTC

Not a joke, but kinda funny.

When Werner Heisenberg got married, his first children were twins.

He was congratulated by a fellow physicist on his pair production
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pair_production


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