Taking the 'mind' from the brain and putting elsewhere

[MightGrabYou]

Hello fellow xkcdians,

I realize I am not what you call a forum-regular, but I find this forum to be one of the most interesting on the interwebz and regularly find myself reading posts in the 'science' sections. My post count is rather low and I might be asking alot here, but I'll do it regardless

Currently, I'm in the process of applying for a master's track called Cognitive Neuroscience, which is being given in the faculty of psychology in a university near my hometown. Part of the application procedure is writing a motivation letter (Cover letter?) to shine light on the reasons behind your application. As I'm sure some of you have gone through the same process in your educational careers, I'd really appreciate getting some pointers on what (not) to do.

Spoiler:

About: Motivation letter Research Master Psychology (Track Cognitive Neuroscience)

Dear Sir or Madam,

First off, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this letter. My aim for this letter is to make clear my motivation behind applying for the Research Master's in Psychology, and specifically the Cognitive Neuroscience track. Because of my background, I realise I won't be able to enroll this year, but I'm hoping this letter will help me set goals for next year's pre-master.

My Background

The last four years I've studied and successfully finished a Bachelor's in Computer Science at the TU in Delft. The part I found most fascinating was 'Artificial Intelligence' (AI). Which I see as a field of research in which techniques (algorithms, or heuristics) are developed and formalized to efficiently find (good-enough) solutions for problems in an 'open search space'. Which can also be seen as a practical approach to the more philosophical question 'what is intelligence?'.

As the (be it human or non-human) brain is, by our own criteria, one of the best and most readily available kinds of intelligence, it is only natural to start with the science that attempts to understand the mind (partly by studying the brain), Psychology. In an effort to find out more about this, during my Bachelor I chose to study the minor 'Mind & Brain', which is an introduction into the Cognitive Psychology field.

While I was studying the minor my interest in Cognitive Psychology grew. Drs. [person1] told me about the Master's program in Applied Cognitive Psychology, which didn't focus as much on the theory of AI, but did focus on human computer interaction (another field I'm interested). With that option suddenly opened up, I started looking into the possibility of doing other Cognitive Psychology masters and stumbled upon the Research Master track Cognitive Neuroscience, which I actually immediately crossed off as 'not-an-option', because of the requirements.

That changed when I visited the 'master voorlichtingsdag' held at the FSW faculty, in which I attended the informational lecture for the Psychology Research Master. During this lecture, dr. [person2] mentioned that it's possible to compensate some of the requirements stated for the Research Master and that it's not uncommon for computer science bachelors to apply. (Though, as it turned, out I misinterpreted that statement) Anyhow, with that in mind, I decided to apply (and subsequently write this letter).

Why Cognitive Neuroscience?

Describing my reasoning in words and this limited space in a way that resonates with the reader is quite hard, but I think it can be neatly explained by David Marr's tri-level hypothesis. I think finding the algorithmic level of Cognitivist subjects like intelligence, creativity and perhaps even consciousness can only be done through an iterative process. In which algorithmic level descriptions (theories) are tested and improved based on implementational level findings. And well, the most obvious way to implement algorithmic theories is on other practically turing-complete systems, namely computers (von neumann or other).
This is where I think my combination of knowledge and most importantly interest in the fields of cognitive (neuro)science and computer science will help refine theories and advance practical application of these theories.
A good way to summarize the reasons behind my application would be: I am interested in taking the 'mind' and putting it in something else.

Requirements

As my Bachelor's degree is in Computer Science, there are some requirements I don't yet meet for the Research Master's programme. The most obvious is not having a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Hopefully the pre-master can be constructed in such a way that allows me to gain the necessary knowledge.
The pre-master also gives me the chance to alleviate some problems with the other requirements. My average grade for my Bachelor's was just below the minimum requirement for this Master's, but I'm planning to raise that average to a respectable level during the pre-master. Also, I'm hoping to be able to fulfill the recommendation letter requirement.

Thanks for taking the time to read this letter,

Yours Faithfully,

[Me]

In the spoiler tags is a censured version (names removed etc.) of what I've written so far. What I'm mainly interested in is:

- what kind of stuff is standard practice to include in these letters?
– How 'to the point' should I be?
- Is it worth the effort to 'show off' aptitude in english (as it is not my native language)?

And specifically to the letter (if you've read it)

- As I've got a background in computer science, applying and getting in the Master will be very difficult. Also I won't be able to roll in immediately, I have to do a pre-master track first. Is it worth mentioning some of my intentions about back-up plans? (Mainly, a different master which doesn't have the same strict requirements)
- There are some requirements I don't yet meet for the master, is it worth mentioning my plans on alleviating these problems (at the risk of making the letter longwinded?)
- As for referencing established theories in the field of psychology and computer science, is it overdone? (nowhere near enough?)
- Any other general comments on the letter itself? (Specifically spelling and grammatical errors)

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Edit: Version 2 of the letter.

[Angua]

I'm not sure how relevant this is, but neuroscience is generally thought of as the field that studies the brain, vs psychology which studies the mind. The two are overlapping a lot more these days though, but in your letter you have psychology as studying the brain.

I'm not sure what generally goes into those types of letters though. I wouldn't bother mentioning backup plans, but I would definitely mention where you fall short and how you're planning on compensating. If this is a letter for an English school, then writing it in English is very important, however if it's for a Dutch school, I don't know if that's appropriate or not.

[Charlie!]

Nit-picking time!

As the (be it human or non-human) brain is, by our own criteria, one of the best and most readily available kinds of intelligence. For me, it is only natural to start with the science that attempts to understand the brain, Psychology.

The first sentence here just ends suddenly - rewrite this.

He told me about the Master Applied Cognitive Psychology

should be "the Master's program in Applied Cognitive Psychology." Similarly "Computer Science master" should be "Master's in Computer Science," and "the possibility of doing other Cognitive Psychology masters" should be "the possibility of doing other Cognitive Psychology Masters." (since you're shortening the full title "Master's degree in X")

algorithmical

should just be "algorithmic."

Cognitivist subjects like Intelligence, Creativity and perhaps even Consciousness

should be "cognitivist subjects like intelligence, creativity, and perhaps even consciousness." In general, you shouldn't capitalize the name of a field of study unless you really want to emphasize it, or want to use it as the name of a specific department or degree. For example, when you write "the science that attempts to understand the brain, Psychology," the capital letter feels awkward because you don't really want to emphasize psychology, nor are you referring to something like a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. So it should be "the science that attempts to understand the brain, psychology."

[MightGrabYou]

Thanks for the pointers I'll see if I can improve my letter based on your suggestions tonight.

Master's programs are generally taught in English, even though most of the students and professors speak Dutch. So it is infact important to know English, I'm just not sure if it's important for the motivation letter. (but as I said in the letter, I feel like it is)

[Jplus]

First off, I could write this letter in Dutch, but I feel it is important to show aptitude in English. You'll have to excuse me for the Dutch letter format.

If I were the one to read you motivation letter, I'd want to stop reading here. This is a big facepalm trigger. Seriously, there's so much wrong with this opening that I might not manage to discuss all of it.

First of all, these words add no information. Basically you're saying that you're going to write you letter in English and that some Dutch constructions might have slipped through, but the reader can see that from the rest of the letter anyway. Also, the reader doesn't really care whether you could've written it in Dutch because it doesn't change anything about the letter, nor about your fitness as an applicant for the study programme. They can probably guess that you're a Dutch native speader, too. You wouldn't be the first applicant who decided to write their motivation letter in English rather than their native language.

Secondly, if you want to show your aptitude in English then just shut up and show your aptitude. Explicitly announcing such an intention is counterproductive because it creates expectations. If you succeed to show your aptitude, the reader will be less surprised (and hence, impressed) than they could have been. If you fail, the reader will remember your announcement and take you less seriously. Frankly, such an announcement also looks childish.

Thirdly, "you'll have to excuse me" is rude, if not fiendish. Don't put imperatives in a letter that serves to persuade people to do you a favour, and certainly don't command the reader to accept any alleged errors on your part!
Besides, the reader might not actually care about the letter format. To suggest that they might want to excuse you for the choice of your letter format is, again, counterproductive.
If you'd been sure that the reader would actually take offense of some part or aspect of your letter, then you could've asked them politely to forgive you (something that starts with "please"). But it's usually better to just not put such parts or aspects in your letter.

Fourthly, this opening is neither attractive nor motivating. You're supposed to attract the attention of the reader and show your motivation for the study programme, not to bore them with minor details about how your letter is written. Especially the opening should be very inviting to read on!

Please, please throw this opening out of the window. When you post a new version of your letter with a better opening, I'll read the rest of it as well.

[mfb]

Some more stuff:

"and stumbled upon the Research Master track Cognitive Neuroscience, which I actually immediately crossed off as 'not-an-option', because of the requirements."
I would remove this. The reader knows about the requirements, so he/she can see that you might not match them without your help.

"During this lecture, dr. [person2] mentioned that it's possible to compensate some of the requirements stated for the Research Master"
That is better

"and that it's not uncommon for computer science bachelors to apply. (Though, as it turned, out I misinterpreted that statement)"
Use your current knowledge in that case. If you know your old belief is wrong, why should you mention it (unless you did something important, based on this belief)?

"Finding reasons to explain my interest in the RM is still an ongoing process."
Wait, what? You are interested in the field, but you don't know how to explain it yet? Again, I would remove this, or replace it by another statement that it is hard to show the full picture with words and limited space.

"That last part might be a bit dry and I'm not quite sure about the familiarity of the reader with the computer science concepts I'm throwing around"
I hope this is not part of the letter.

After removing the line Jplus commented, I think you should add a new introduction. I don't know the precise context of this letter, but I would expect something where you say that you are interested in taking this course.


A native speaker (or similar) should check the grammar. There are some errors, but english is a foreign language for me, too.

[rflrob]

About: Motivation letter Research Master Psychology (Track Cognitive Neuroscience)

Dear sir/madam,

First off, I could write this letter in Dutch, but I feel it is important to show aptitude in English. You'll have to excuse me for the Dutch letter format.

I agree with JPlus.

Background
As for my motivation behind applying for the Psychology Research Master and specifically the Cognitive Neuroscience track I think I should explain a little bit about my background first.

This sentence adds nothing. The "Background" header makes it pretty clear you think you should explain about your background (assuming it's not even a requirement).

The last four years I've studied and successfully finished a Computer Science Bachelor at the TU in Delft. The part I found most fascinating was 'Artificial Intelligence' (AI). Which I see as a field of research in which techniques (algorithms, or heuristics) are developed and formalized to efficiently find (good-enough) solutions for problems in an 'open search space'. Which can also be seen as a practical approach to the more philosophical question 'what is intelligence?'.

The italicized phrases are not actually sentences, thanks to the leading "Which". The first one could be rephrased as, "I see this as a field..." or "This is a field...". The second would probably be stronger as "It is also a practical approach...". The ideas within are interesting, but they seem a little disconnected. If you think it's important, it would be worth fleshing this paragraph out. I'm also skeptical that AI as it is practiced today is actually an approach to "What is intelligence". My understanding is that most work today is so far from the intelligence question as to be almost unrelated, but I'm a biologist, so this may not actually be true.

As the (be it human or non-human) brain is, by our own criteria, one of the best and most readily available kinds of intelligence. For me, it is only natural to start with the science that attempts to understand the brain, Psychology. In an effort to find out more about this, during my Bachelor I chose to study the minor 'Mind & Brain', which is an introduction into the Cognitive Psychology field. Though, I have to admit, during my time studying the minor, my reasons weren't as clear as I see them now.

You need not admit that your reasons weren't clear. It doesn't matter what your reasons were, and it makes you sound a little clueless.

Over time,while I was studying the minor, the idea of doing a Computer Science master became less and less appealing and my interest in Cognitive Psychology grew. By chance, I had a talk about this with Drs. [person1]. He told me about the Master Applied Cognitive Psychology, which didn't focus as much on the theory of AI, but did focus on human computer interaction (another field I'm interested in and are arguably intertwined). With that option suddenly opened up, I started looking into the possibility of doing other Cognitive Psychology masters and stumbled upon the Research Master track Cognitive Neuroscience, which I actually immediately crossed off as 'not-an-option', because of the requirements.

It doesn't matter about the CS degree. Just say that the minor exposed you to the exciting world of Cog Psych. It's cleaner and more forceful if you combine the next two sentences.

Is your claim that HCI is intertwined with Cog Psych or CS? It's unclear. You may want to just cut that reference entirely, though.

That changed when I visited the 'master voorlichtingsdag' held at the FSW faculty, in which I attended the informational lecture for the Psychology Research Master. During this lecture, dr. [person2] mentioned that it's possible to compensate some of the requirements stated for the Research Master and that it's not uncommon for computer science bachelors to apply. (Though, as it turned, out I misinterpreted that statement) Anyhow, with that in mind, I decided to apply (and subsequently write this letter).

Why Cognitive Neuroscience?

Finding reasons to explain my interest in the RM is still an ongoing process. So far, I think it can be neatly explained by David Marr's tri-level hypothesis. I think finding the algorithmical level of Cognitivist subjects like Intelligence, Creativity and perhaps even Consciousness can only be done through an iterative process. In which algorithmical level theories are tested and improved based on implementational findings. And well, the most obvious way to implement algorithmical theories is on other practically turing-complete systems, namely computers (von neumann or other).

It's not clear to me what you mean by the "algorithmical level of Cognitivist subjects". It may be just that this is a term in the field that I'm not familiar with, but it's worth checking with someone who's more familiar with the field that this is a sensical statement.

This is where I think my combination of knowledge and most importantly interest in the fields of cognitive (neuro)science and computer science will help refine theories and advance practical application of these theories.

That last part might be a bit dry and I'm not quite sure about the familiarity of the reader with the computer science concepts I'm throwing around, but summarizing my motivation: I am interested in taking the 'mind' from the brain and putting it in something else.

...

[list]
- As I've got a background in computer science, applying and getting in the Master will be very difficult. Also I won't be able to roll in immediately, I have to do a pre-master track first. Is it worth mentioning some of my intentions about back-up plans? (Mainly, a different master which doesn't have the same strict requirements)

From their perspective, I'm pretty sure the only backup plan they care about is something along the lines of, "If you don't let me in, I'll just keep improving/applying until you take me". Otherwise, they have little incentive to accept you.

- There are some requirements I don't yet meet for the master, is it worth mentioning my plans on alleviating these problems (at the risk of making the letter longwinded?)

Yes. Do it briefly, but if you cut things elsewhere, you should be able to buy yourself some space.