Germs from your parents

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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Germs from your parents

Postby aisling » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:20 pm UTC

Sometimes my parents (especially my mom) say things that just blow my nose. In a bad way.

This thread is so that we can share these gems, as I am sure I am not alone.

"Is The Word good for writing letters?" - My mom

(I said back to her, though, "Mom, saying The Word is like saying The Google.")

Sorry, had to.

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Postby EvanED » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:23 pm UTC

You should have said, "The Mom, saying 'The Word' is like saying 'The Mom'." ;-)

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Postby Princess Marzipan » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:29 pm UTC

We were at some relatives' house on Christmas, and my uncle is telling my mother and me about the portable DVD players my cousins received. My mother says "That sounds really cool. Does that only play portable DVDs though?"

I haven't let her live it down, and she's still pretty bitter about it.
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Postby haveblue » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:39 pm UTC

"Which one is Pause?"
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Postby bbctol » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:42 pm UTC

"Will this computer have a usb drive?"

"...you mean port?"

"Whatever! Does it have one?"

"Yes."

"You haven't even looked at the computer!"

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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:47 pm UTC

My dad's bad pun obsessed. bad, overly complex puns that no one could ever get on his cue alone.

The first one
We're driving down the street and he points at a gravel truck and goes "Mick Jagger!"

The more reccent
You know what a kitchen island is? Well my dad and his wife got a rolling one for their lake house. First time I saw it my dad points at it and goes "Ulysses!"

...Bueller? Bueller?
Last edited by Sprocket on Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:48 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby bbctol » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:48 pm UTC

I... don't get either of those puns.

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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:51 pm UTC

bbctol wrote:I... don't get either of those puns.
That proves you're sane. Or i'm sane. Or something. Let's give the other kids a chance. My dad's a big nerd, you're all big nerds. Clearly one of you will understand the vast leaping swaths of ground my father covers between a pun and reality.
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Postby Olivier » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:54 pm UTC

My little sister and I were bitching each other during diner, once, and she yelled at me "Monodick!"

Startled, I replied: "Yes... usually, men only have one penis. More or less is considered abnormal."

Laughing, she answered: "I wanted to say 'monobrow', but dick was already in my mouth."

10-seconds-long silence. General hilarity.

(Sidenote: She's 14 years old.)
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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:55 pm UTC

Olivier wrote:My little sister and I were bitching each other during diner, once, and she yelled at me "Monodick!"

Startled, I replied: "Yes... usually, men only have one penis. More or less is considered abnormal."

Laughing, she answered: "I wanted to say 'monobrow', but dick was already in my mouth."

10-seconds-long silence. General hilarity.

(Sidenote: She's 14 years old.)


LOL!
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Postby Belial » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:57 pm UTC

CatProximity wrote:
bbctol wrote:I... don't get either of those puns.
That proves you're sane. Or i'm sane. Or something. Let's give the other kids a chance. My dad's a big nerd, you're all big nerds. Clearly one of you will understand the vast leaping swaths of ground my father covers between a pun and reality.


I got the ulysses one. I'm lost on the mick jagger, though. I see a connection, kindof, but I think I'm missing a string.
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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:01 pm UTC

Belial wrote:
CatProximity wrote:
bbctol wrote:I... don't get either of those puns.
That proves you're sane. Or i'm sane. Or something. Let's give the other kids a chance. My dad's a big nerd, you're all big nerds. Clearly one of you will understand the vast leaping swaths of ground my father covers between a pun and reality.


I got the ulysses one. I'm lost on the mick jagger, though. I see a connection, kindof, but I think I'm missing a string.
No trust me it's just my dad. I mean they both make sense, right, but they're total stretches and lack a certain dimentionality. Well ok, the second one is a stretch, and the first one is just...obtuse I guess?
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Postby PatrickRsGhost » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:11 pm UTC

Took a few minutes but I got the first one. Corny^2.

explanation wrote:Answer: Rolling Stones. Get it? It's a truck full of gravel...or stones. The truck's rolling, so is the gravel, or stones. Hence, rolling stones. Get it? Ah, humor is wasted on the youth!


I think I got the second one. I may be wrong.

In relation to the Trojan Horse, maybe?
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Postby zenten » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:29 pm UTC

CatProximity wrote:My dad's bad pun obsessed. bad, overly complex puns that no one could ever get on his cue alone.

The first one
We're driving down the street and he points at a gravel truck and goes "Mick Jagger!"

The more reccent
You know what a kitchen island is? Well my dad and his wife got a rolling one for their lake house. First time I saw it my dad points at it and goes "Ulysses!"

...Bueller? Bueller?


I got both of them. Mind you, my dad is almost as bad. Actually, he's worse, because they don't often quote the classics, and he reuses them, a *lot*.

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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:45 pm UTC

Well I suppose I should turn over my genes then and be on my merry way. Actually the problem was that I had never heard the whole logic schpeil about it when he said the line. So it's not really my fault. Just lacking context.

I'm sure if I'd told him that at the time his reply would inevitably have been a dramatic "Really? Awe Jeez...I've failed as a father!"
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Postby dubsola » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:49 pm UTC

PatrickRsGhost wrote:Took a few minutes but I got the first one. Corny^2.

explanation wrote:Answer: Rolling Stones. Get it? It's a truck full of gravel...or stones. The truck's rolling, so is the gravel, or stones. Hence, rolling stones. Get it? Ah, humor is wasted on the youth!

That is spectacular, I love your dad, CatProximity. Dad jokes are my specialty.

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Postby German Sausage » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:54 pm UTC

my mum has some really odd exclaimations. i think fuck-a-duck is my favourite though.

on an unrelated note to parents, but associated with bad puns, upon leaving maths class, say to someone calc-you-later! oh, the mirth. it is unrivaled!
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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:55 pm UTC

PatrickRsGhost wrote:Get it? Ah, humor is wasted on the youth

me wrote:Hey now, I like a good rolling stones joke as much as the next guy, it was just completely out of nowhere, he just points at a truck and goes "mick jagger." and we're supposed to know wtf he's talking about.
Last edited by Sprocket on Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:58 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Belial » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:57 pm UTC

German Sausage wrote:my mum has some really odd exclaimations. i think fuck-a-duck is my favourite though.


To the tune of 'row row row your boat' wrote:Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangutan
Orgy at the zoo
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Postby bbctol » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:01 pm UTC

German Sausage wrote:my mum has some really odd exclaimations. i think fuck-a-duck is my favourite though.


My old french teacher had the best exclamations of all.

"Well, kick my foot and let it hurt!"

Back on topic!

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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:01 pm UTC

I say fuck a duck all the time. For awhile it was butt monkies.
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Postby Twasbrillig » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:15 pm UTC

About 4 years ago:

Mom: Hey, you said you wanted one of those things that hangs around your neck, right?

Me: ...sorry?

Mom: You know, the things that hang around your neck!

Me: Like a necklace? I'm not... uh... I don't... what?

Mom: No, not like a necklace! It hangs around your neck and then goes up to your ears!

Me: ...

Mom: Like an ip3!!


I had been asking for an iPod shuffle ('twas close to Christmas), and apparently she had seen a commercial advertising one in which the person was wearing it around their neck. I tried to explain to her what an iPod was a few days prior to this, so I guess that's where the 'p3' came from.
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Postby bookishbunny » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:19 pm UTC

I thought this was going to be about 'life advice' parents give that makes no sense, like "If you start having sex too young, you'll get bored with it as an adult." (That's my favorite.)
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Postby Twasbrillig » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:22 pm UTC

bookishbunny wrote:"If you start having sex too young, you'll get bored with it as an adult."


And thus weird fetishes were born.
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Postby Princess Marzipan » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:24 pm UTC

Re: taws

God, I HATE the term "mp3." "mp3" is a bloody filetype; it is NOT a physical product with which you can interface. I can't stand all these ads for "mp3" accessories that are in fact for mp3 players.

And don't get me started on "plugs" for iPod or "mp3" that are just bloody flaming headphone jacks.

Blood and bloody ashes, it gets me so worked up I'm flaming typing like a bloody goatsucking WoT character.
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Postby parkaboy » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:29 pm UTC

bookishbunny wrote:I thought this was going to be about 'life advice' parents give that makes no sense, like "If you start having sex too young, you'll get bored with it as an adult." (That's my favorite.)



this... actually explains a lot. or maybe not?

i have to go do the dishes. thats one my parents said all the time; "do the dishes."

*goes to do the dishes*
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Postby bookishbunny » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:31 pm UTC

apocralypse wrote:
bookishbunny wrote:I thought this was going to be about 'life advice' parents give that makes no sense, like "If you start having sex too young, you'll get bored with it as an adult." (That's my favorite.)



this... actually explains a lot. or maybe not?


What would it be explaining? Really, if one is bored with sex, one needs to explore some new position, toys, games, etc.
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Re: Gems from your parents

Postby Rat » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:33 pm UTC

aisling wrote:Sometimes my parents (especially my mom) say things that just blow my mind. In a bad way.

This thread is so that we can share these gems, as I am sure I am not alone.

"Is The Word good for writing letters?" - My mom

(I said back to her, though, "Mom, saying The Word is like saying The Google.")


i wouldve said, "no, most of the pages are covered with jesus quotes"

as for my mom being retarded, well, i cant really think of one specific instance...

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Postby (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:33 pm UTC

My dad has a tendency to lapse into a British accent, and I've taken it up, too, even though I've never been to any part of the UK or anything. Actually sometimes it's more Australian, but either way, it's odd.

He also has amusing ways of saying it's time to leave:

"Let's roll this pumpkin"
"Let's boot this clambake"
"Let's blow this Popsicle stand"

and going to the bathroom euphemisms that others may have heard before:

"I've got to go turn my bike around"
"I've got to go splash me boots"

My dad's an odd bird.
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:54 pm UTC

Not sure if my parents ever had any gems like this.... my dad never said much, and my mom is off-the-wall goofy, but so am I, so everything she says sounds normal. Most of the advice I got from my dad was delightful, loving stuff like:


"If you end up in jail and you get a phone call, don't waste it in me."

or

"You can waste your life all you want, but you'll pay rent if you want to do it here."

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Postby KicktheCAN » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:01 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:"Let's blow this Popsicle stand"


My dad says this all the time, that or "Let's skate!". He also calls everybody "Holmes" all the time.
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Postby (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:07 pm UTC

That's fantastic. My dad calls people 'buuuuuddy' a la Pauly Shore. It's quite absurd.

Also, who here has parents who can't remember the names of their children/spouse? Is that just me? My dad often refers to me as 'Gab-Jos-Monique' just like that, cause he had to go through the other two before he could remember which I was. Of course, it's all women in his family, me, mom, and the sis, so I guess we're all just crazy women and fall into the same category.
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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:10 pm UTC

Ok, classic.

When going around a sharp turn, fast in the car, or making a neccessary, harrowing lane change/ramp exit, etc. My father, a long time ago used to say "hold on to your teeth and the apple cider!" and later just "apple cider!"
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Postby joeframbach » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:10 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:That's fantastic. My dad calls people 'buuuuuddy' a la Pauly Shore. It's quite absurd.

Also, who here has parents who can't remember the names of their children/spouse? Is that just me? My dad often refers to me as 'Gab-Jos-Monique' just like that, cause he had to go through the other two before he could remember which I was. Of course, it's all women in his family, me, mom, and the sis, so I guess we're all just crazy women and fall into the same category.


My dad has the same problem. Na-Jer-Joseph! because we have a Nate, a Jeremy, and me. If he's calling Nate he'll go Jer-Jos-Nate!
We also have an Amanda and a Malory, and a dog named Lady. Of course if he's yelling at the dog, it's always Mal-Ama-Lady! Sometimes he throws my mom's name in there.

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Postby Belial » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:16 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:Also, who here has parents who can't remember the names of their children/spouse? Is that just me? My dad often refers to me as 'Gab-Jos-Monique' just like that, cause he had to go through the other two before he could remember which I was. Of course, it's all women in his family, me, mom, and the sis, so I guess we're all just crazy women and fall into the same category.


Due to my mother, I am now conditioned to respond to the following names:

Jordan, Justin, Eric, Kurt, Sarah, Kim, Chloe.

The first is my name. The five after that are names of my siblings. The last is her dog.
Last edited by Belial on Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:24 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sprocket » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:23 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:"Let's blow this Popsicle stand"
everyone says that.

Belial wrote:Due to my mother, I am now conditioned to respond to the following names:

Jordan, Justin, Eric, Kurt, Sarah, Kim, Chloe.

The first is my name. The five after that are names of my siblings. The last is her dog.


Me too. My dad would call me "Bubba..Pasta..Dog...Sarah"

...huh. Well that explains the avatar.
Last edited by Sprocket on Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:25 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Alisto » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:25 pm UTC

My mother will go through not only every name in the family, but through names of her friends, regardless of gender. Every now and then, she'll throw in a name that I've never heard of and it ends up being a patient at work.

My mom also once said in response to me using the word invisibility, "Like when you get the star in Mario Kart!"
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:26 pm UTC

Ah, the whole "getting names wrong" thing reminded me of when, for a long time, my dad couldn't remember my girlfriend's (now my wife's) name, and THAT reminded me of the first time that he met her when she was all gothed up (which I guess is about the third time he met her, ever... white makeup, green velour cape, black on black on black on black clothes, 17 or 19 or something earrings). When she wasn't in the room, he turns to me and says:

"I assume you like her for a reason?"
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Postby PatrickRsGhost » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:27 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:Also, who here has parents who can't remember the names of their children/spouse? Is that just me? My dad often refers to me as 'Gab-Jos-Monique' just like that, cause he had to go through the other two before he could remember which I was. Of course, it's all women in his family, me, mom, and the sis, so I guess we're all just crazy women and fall into the same category.


I never had that problem since I was an only child.

In a similar situation I have done it with the cats whenever I'm yelling at one of them.

"Si-Coal-Tim get off the damn dresser!"

I have been known to call the wrong cat the wrong name.

Meaux's post reminded me of these:

Bill Cosby wrote:It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"


Bill Cosby wrote:I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."
PRG

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KicktheCAN
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Postby KicktheCAN » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:28 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:That's fantastic. My dad calls people 'buuuuuddy' a la Pauly Shore. It's quite absurd.


My dad hates Pauly Shore with a passion. He will not watch any of his movies.

EDIT: Why does everybody's parents have Alzheimers?
Last edited by KicktheCAN on Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:31 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
pollywog is awesome, that is all.
Addendum: Sethicus is also cool to the maximum.

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