Germs from your parents

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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Okita
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Postby Okita » Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:21 am UTC

When I was younger, sometimes I would get pimples on my nose making it look quite red. Disgusting, perhaps.

The point is that my mother would love to make fun of me by calling me Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer.

I felt better about it though when she could never get the song right. One particular version went: "Rudolph, the red nose on a deer".

Heh. Course it's more of an ESL thing then a parent thing but I take amusement from it just the same.

Another old gem from the folks was when my father electro-shocked me with a disposable camera. He had taken apart the thing to see how it ticked (being an engineer and all) and had then proceeded to hand it to me. I was 13 at the time and suspicious that I would get shocked by my father assured me it was okay, and "look how cool the innards are!", up until the point that the capacitor disharged. Luckily, I tossed when I had gotten suspicious of the increasing heat of the damn thing so I only suffered really really light burns.
"I may or may not be a raptor. There is no way of knowing until entering a box that I happen to be in and then letting me sunder the delicious human flesh from your body in reptile fury."

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Postby Shizo » Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:30 am UTC

My mom usually sneezes in my direction. She talks to me in mid-cough. Drinks out of my cup without telling me, too. I fear she's trying to kill me. :(
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Okita
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Postby Okita » Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:36 am UTC

Shizo wrote:My mom usually sneezes in my direction. She talks to me in mid-cough. Drinks out of my cup without telling me, too. I fear she's trying to kill me. :(


"All true wealth is biological" - Aral Vorkosigan in "Mirror Dance" by Lois McMaster Bujold .

Don't counter with germ warfare though. That's just a downhill spiral to mononucleosis doom. Cary one of those sterilization UV light pens though.
"I may or may not be a raptor. There is no way of knowing until entering a box that I happen to be in and then letting me sunder the delicious human flesh from your body in reptile fury."

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Postby grythyttan » Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:07 pm UTC

My dad constantly uses strange, untranslatable puns and words he makes up himself.

Also, he does this constantly.
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Castaway
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Postby Castaway » Sun Sep 02, 2007 9:11 pm UTC

my mom always goes out of her way to tell me how much she dislikes my friends.
You've just lost twenty dollars and my self respect.

Rat wrote: so i sprinted back down this hill like a fucking mountain goat

prime
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Postby prime » Sun Sep 02, 2007 9:36 pm UTC

Castaway wrote:I spent a half an hour fucking with it only to find out there's a switch on it that turns on and off the ringer.

As I found after first reading and a closer inspection, the "with" in this sentence is very important.

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Postby tmad40blue » Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:14 pm UTC

A conversation between my mother and I:

Mother: Hey, did you want more of those rolly things at the store?

Me: ...?

Mother: You know, those chocolate things. They look like anti-Twinkies.

She was talking about Swiss Cake Rolls.
NinjaArcana wrote:I'm glad this whole changing into a raptor thing is "at will." If it was based on emotions, that could lead to awkwardness. You're having sex with the other gender and then, BAM.

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Postby scowdich » Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:25 pm UTC

From now on, everyone in my dorm room must refer to Ho-Hos as "anti-Twinkies" under pain of pain.

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Postby parkaboy » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:46 pm UTC

hell yes. Ho-Hos are now Anti-Twinkies.

make it official.

getting ready for church or some special occasion: "daaaad do i have to wear this dress? i dont LIKE it"

Dad: "well, it doesnt like you much either so you'll both have to deal with it"

i couldnt argue with that.
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Postby tmad40blue » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:48 pm UTC

I believe I said Swiss Cake Rolls. :?
NinjaArcana wrote:I'm glad this whole changing into a raptor thing is "at will." If it was based on emotions, that could lead to awkwardness. You're having sex with the other gender and then, BAM.

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Postby parkaboy » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:52 pm UTC

same thing.

swiss cake rolls are made by Little Debbie

Ho-ho's are made by Hostess

thats about the only difference. but they shall BOTH be called anti-twinkies.
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Postby Castaway » Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:10 am UTC

tmad40blue wrote:Mother: You know, those chocolate things. They look like anti-Twinkies.

She was talking about Swiss Cake Rolls.

YOUR MOM IS AWESOME! I hereby award the mother of tmad40blue one (1) internet(s).
You've just lost twenty dollars and my self respect.



Rat wrote: so i sprinted back down this hill like a fucking mountain goat

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Postby tmad40blue » Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:50 am UTC

Another quote from my mom after having basic pelvic reconstruction surgery (yeah it kinda sucked):

"AND THERE WAS POOP!!!!! YAY"

Since they moved her intestines out of the way, they had to re-learn what they needed to do to make solids. XP
NinjaArcana wrote:I'm glad this whole changing into a raptor thing is "at will." If it was based on emotions, that could lead to awkwardness. You're having sex with the other gender and then, BAM.

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Postby Twasbrillig » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:30 am UTC

tmad40blue wrote:Another quote from my mom after having basic pelvic reconstruction surgery (yeah it kinda sucked):

"AND THERE WAS POOP!!!!! YAY"

Since they moved her intestines out of the way, they had to re-learn what they needed to do to make solids. XP


I... uhh... really didn't need to hear that.

Also, ho-ho is much more fun to say than swiss cake roll.
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Postby Khonsu » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:58 am UTC

ifeedlions wrote:
bookishbunny wrote:
63.7% are named Jennifer.


I went to school with 27 Jennifers.


Cough cough--God I hate being born in 1986. I was GONNA be an Emma or Emily, but my sister snuck in and with my dad's help, named me after her best friend who'd just moved. My mom couldn't find me to visit me in NICU for a couple hours because she kept asking for the wrong name. Boy, she was pissed, but she ended up liking "Jennifer." I find this sad.

Oh, and ditto on my parents not ever remembering my name between my older half-sister and I, which was weird because she was 18 when they finally had me, and she was, like, away at college for most of my youth. Also, my father and mother still have trouble cursing in front of me and routinely half-way mince their curses despite the fact that I'm 21 goddamn years old and curse like a biker that was once in the Navy so I don't see the point. Example: "What the fu-frig are you talking about?" And then I usually respond "What the fuck am I talking about? I'm talking about ____!" Because I like seeing them squirm.

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Postby cephalopod9 » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:20 am UTC

My heritage includes 'not quite remembering which words to use'. That is, remembering the vague meanng of words bettter than the words themselves.

My gandma can't ever remember the words to songs quite right. My mom can, but is forever calling boston market (fast food chicken place), boston chicken.
A while ago my dad mentioned that new action "Live hard, never die" ( I wish I could rember what he did with Aqua Teen Hunger Force). My dad says some interesting things. Durring Spiderman II, in refference to Doctor Octopus he asked "how did the mayor of chocolate town get this job?" I swear he misquotes 300. "no dad, the big yelling quote is 'This Is Sparta!' not 'we are spartans' I don't even remember that being said in the movie"
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Postby (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:30 pm UTC

Hanging out with my dad yesterday I said that something was a mystery- and only SCIENCE could solve it! His reply:

"Brute strength and shit luck beats science every time."
Heyyy baby wanna kill all humans?

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Postby Khonsu » Mon Sep 03, 2007 6:06 pm UTC

Well that's silly. XD

Also, my ENTIRE FAMILY seems to think yelling at the top of their lungs all the time is the way everyone talks. I don't know if we're all partially deaf but we all talk really fucking loud. In the car, my ears start ringing when my mom and dad are just chatting.

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Postby prime » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:42 pm UTC

cephalopod9 wrote:My mom can, but is forever calling boston market (fast food chicken place), boston chicken.

That's what it used to be called before the name was changed.

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Postby aisling » Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:32 am UTC

My mom got facebook a while back and she will never fully understand how to use it. I can tell already.

She asked me what my screen name was on it (I'm already her friend! Wtf?).

I think she thought she was being hip.

I want to bang my head against a wall.

She also asked about events, and what they are. I explained that it's like, if you're going to have a gathering of people for say, a party or something, then you create an event and invite people to it, if you want them to come. She wasn't listening apparently, so her next question was like "So if I have an event in my life, like going on holiday, I would create an event?"

".....No."

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vrek
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Postby vrek » Thu Sep 13, 2007 6:27 pm UTC

I have been waiting for my mom to say something really worth it to post here:
"Everyone says it will be really easy to get rid of all the junk but no one is willing to drive up here, load it all up, and take it to the dump for me"

We just re did my kitchen and my mom has yet to get all the old junk out of my front yard.

My sister is moving out this weekend(lucky bitch) and the following conversation took place:
Sister:Its going to be hard moving everything since me and dan are going to basically have to do everything ourselves.
Mom: Well you have a little brother(meaning me) he'll help.
At this point I walk into the room.
Sister: I might ask him.
Mom: You don't have to ask him, he'll just do it.
Sister: Yeah, and that works oh so well for you. I'll ask if I need him but I don't expect him to have telepathic powers of what I want him to do.
Me: What are you vollenterring me now mom?
Mom: Just to help her move.
Sister: Would you mind helping us move some of the stuff?
Me:Nah, thats fine as long as you can give me transportation to and from.
Sister: Yeah no prob.
Mom:Why do you do what she wants but always fight with me about everything?
Me: She asks nicely and you just bitch that I have not done it yet.
Mom: Well you should know to do certain things.

Which I guess is true with like laundry and cleaning up but stuff like replacing a ceiling that has not been working for 6 years with the replacement you bought with out and hid in your closet not so much.

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Postby Sinfully Delicious » Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:06 pm UTC

So, I'm sitting on the couch with my dad, and commercials come on. This particular one is for M*A*S*H, and in it, Margaret's opening a package... "Oh, he knows I love fine leather!" She pulls out a whip and starts cracking it inside the tent, laughing hysterically.

My dad watches this ad, then turns to me and says "You know, that kind of reminds me of you."

He's great with the awkward one-liners, though. He has, on separate occasions, informed me through very strange comments that he'd be okay with it if I was a lesbian or a dominatrix.

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Catch22
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Postby Catch22 » Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:18 pm UTC

Sinfully Delicious wrote:He's great with the awkward one-liners, though. He has, on separate occasions, informed me through very strange comments that he'd be okay with it if I was a lesbian or a dominatrix.


Nice to have supportive parents I guess!

When my mom first started using a computer, i got her hooked up on AIM so we could talk easier. She'd always ask if i was "going to be on emails" later.
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Postby Dark Ragnarok » Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:34 pm UTC

My dad used to make me laugh with this quote fro ma game on the PC all the time:

"I'm Dr. Gigabyte, and I'm going to Gigabyte you!"

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Will
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Postby Will » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:04 pm UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:Hanging out with my dad yesterday I said that something was a mystery- and only SCIENCE could solve it! His reply:

"Brute strength and shit luck beats science every time."


The miracle of computer science is that I could posit a mathematical proof that your father is wrong. Some problems, if attempted by brute force, would take so long to solve that they'd still be running after the heat-death of the universe! Yay science!

Also, anti-twinkie = win.

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Postby MFHodge » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:12 pm UTC

prime wrote:
cephalopod9 wrote:My mom can, but is forever calling boston market (fast food chicken place), boston chicken.

That's what it used to be called before the name was changed.

I still call it that too. :oops:
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Postby zenten » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:32 pm UTC

Will wrote:
Meaux_Pas wrote:Hanging out with my dad yesterday I said that something was a mystery- and only SCIENCE could solve it! His reply:

"Brute strength and shit luck beats science every time."


The miracle of computer science is that I could posit a mathematical proof that your father is wrong. Some problems, if attempted by brute force, would take so long to solve that they'd still be running after the heat-death of the universe! Yay science!

Also, anti-twinkie = win.


You forgot the luck part. If I'm really lucky I can solve any problem with an algorithm thats O(n), often O(1).

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Will
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Postby Will » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:35 pm UTC

zenten wrote:You forgot the luck part. If I'm really lucky I can solve any problem with an algorithm thats O(n), often O(1).


This method works 60% of the time, every time.

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Postby Alcari » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:59 pm UTC

EDIT: ninja'd again... must be my unlucky day today.
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Postby Ptera » Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:37 am UTC

I don't know if my dad ever swore or not, but he has never sworn in front of me or my brother. Here are the replacements I remember:
Damn/shit = Darn it all! or Shoot!
asshole/jerk = turkey (this one cracks me up)

For example,
"Darn it all, those turkeys at the phone company have done it again!"

I didn't know any swear words until middle school....

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GusPatsy
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Postby GusPatsy » Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:23 am UTC

My dad was on the cinemark website looking at the showtimes at the local theater. I recommended Superbad, to which he responded as though he were reading a review:
"Here's what they're saying about it: Rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image - all involving teens."
Alisto wrote:
GusPatsy wrote:I would like a title that references something I don't get, and would take hours to figure out, eventually leaving me disappointed.


"Sex"

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Postby xooll » Fri Sep 14, 2007 8:28 pm UTC

VTHodge wrote:
prime wrote:
cephalopod9 wrote:My mom can, but is forever calling boston market (fast food chicken place), boston chicken.

That's what it used to be called before the name was changed.

I still call it that too. :oops:

I stubbornly call lots of businesses by their old names. Great Harvest is still Montana Mills, and Great Northern is still Rocky Mountain, damn it. It's kind of weird how these two businesses located fifty feet from one another both changed from mountain-themed names to "Great ____" names.
So, I got tired of the fact that the appearance of my band name in my signature made my posts on this forum the dominant result when googling for my music. Anyway, if you think I might happen to be a good musician, you can test this theory here.

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Pesto
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Postby Pesto » Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:18 pm UTC

Okay, I'm still not getting the Ulysses pun.

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abrenecki
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Postby abrenecki » Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:12 am UTC

My dad (who is a TRT*) has a loop. Occasionally he'll just say random phrases. There's also what we call his 'context-activated loop', where he will say the same thing when, for example, Midnight Oil's 'Forgotten Years' is on the radio ("This song is saying that we should remember what these people died for...") or drive past his old high school ("I played footy against Andrew Jarman there")

*The reason he's a TRT is he can crack the same jokes to different students every day. Only problem is he reuses them at home as well.

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Postby The Cosmic Fool » Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:42 am UTC

Meaux_Pas wrote:Hanging out with my dad yesterday I said that something was a mystery- and only SCIENCE could solve it! His reply:

"Brute strength and shit luck beats science every time."


If brute force isn't solving your problems, you're not using enough of it.
"The future is dark, the present burdensome. Only the past, dead and buried, bears contemplation."

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parkaboy
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Postby parkaboy » Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:45 am UTC

Ptera wrote:I don't know if my dad ever swore or not, but he has never sworn in front of me or my brother. Here are the replacements I remember:
Damn/shit = Darn it all! or Shoot!
asshole/jerk = turkey (this one cracks me up)

For example,
"Darn it all, those turkeys at the phone company have done it again!"

I didn't know any swear words until middle school....


so are you Rod or Todd?
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Postby ThorFluff » Sat Sep 15, 2007 1:09 am UTC

my dad is a complete oddball. But the best dad i could ever wish for. I'm my fathers son through and through. Though he'd admit that XKCD is way too advanced for him, he gets the jist of most jokes. He even got the Snapples one! that made me proud (he has no formal education beyond elementary school btw).
Just like me he collects useless facts and remember them like nobodys buisniss, NOONE will let us play on the same team in Trivial Pursuit, we always win.
He spent 14 years helping street-kids for minimum wage. Because it's what he's good at. a few years ago he got a job offer with the description:
We'd like you to be responsible for educating immigrants and outcasts to make them a functioning part of society.
When he showed up for his first day at work, contract being written and all:
Oh yeah, what it means is that you're going to be teaching them how to use computers, here's a few hundreds of those too.
Dad had barely used one before.
2 Months later he's hired a specialist (Morty btw, he rocks) and taught himself to use computers and set up networks.
- Because he had to -
So now he knows computers, is liscensed to deal out ECL liscenses and knows cisco. He out does me any day.
He also has an obnoxious high alchohol tolerance, enjoys cooking (taught me all i know). He also has a larger Music Library on his computer than I do...
Damn the more i think about it, I'm just my dad through and through!

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Jonas Freedemeyer
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Postby Jonas Freedemeyer » Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:30 pm UTC

GusPatsy wrote:My dad was on the cinemark website looking at the showtimes at the local theater. I recommended Superbad, to which he responded as though he were reading a review:
"Here's what they're saying about it: Rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image - all involving teens."
Ell oh ell, that is hilarious! Your dad sounds like a really funny guy. :lol:
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Re: Germs from your parents

Postby Sprocket » Thu Oct 11, 2007 2:59 pm UTC

Thomas D. Smith wrote:

Ok!!

Did you hear how United Parcel is making a major labor and money saving innovation for overseas delivery (one of many steps in the never ending battle between them and DHL and FedEx?)

They have designed a container vessel that only requires one person to sail.

They call it the 'One UPS-MAN Ship'.



Jonas - please change your icon, before I start having clown nightmares.
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Re:

Postby TheKhakinator » Thu Oct 11, 2007 3:17 pm UTC

abrenecki wrote:or drive past his old high school ("I played footy against Andrew Jarman there")

I read this, and thought "Andrew Jarman! That's Adelaide! Must be another Adelaide user!" then realised I'd already noticed this in the past.

I see a lot of the mangled lyrics.


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