Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Tue Oct 20, 2015 3:56 pm UTC

Seeking advice, or at least comisery[1].

Have you ever gone out of your way to grant your child's biggest wish or dream and then the kid just turns into a monster?

So, we got our son a 110CC snowmobile a few years ago because it is the family hobby and we felt it would be a great opportunity to teach responsibility and stuff. Also, we have a second child who will be growing into the snowmobile about the same time the older one outgrows it, so it will get plenty of use. It was more of a gift to the both of them. Fast-forward to today. He's been bugging us to get him an ATV for the past year. His friend has one and he is jealous. Of course his friend doesn't have a snowmobile, but that doesn't matter 3/4 of the year. Anyway, we priced them out, did a lot of research, and decided to get him one for Christmas. Again, this is more of a gift to both of the boys, and is great for teaching responsibility and safety and all that. With the added benefit of being able to ride year-round and also play with his friend.

Now, since Christmas is in winter and ATVs are more of a summer thing (they can go in snow, but it needs to be packed/groomed a bit, especially for this small ATV), we decided to give it to him early. We recently had the "Santa Claus isn't real and Mama and Papa have been lying to you this whole time (muahahaha!)" talk. So, we told him he was a big boy and could handle the idea of an early Christmas gift (he's witness my wife and I just casually saying "You're buying this for me for Christmas, ok?" for his whole life). He was excited and glad and happy and just gushing. He got geared up (helmet, pads, gloves, etc.) and off he went on our trails (though he had to stay within sight of the house).

Then the ATV broke down.

Holy shit-balls did he come crashing down from that high. The kid was an absolute monster. Hissy-fit like he hasn't had since he was 2 years old and wanted a candy. It is a simple fix (though we need to wait for the dealer to order a new part), but what would have been a day or two without his shiny new toy has now become a solid two weeks of punishment.

I realize this firmly belongs in the "spoiled" category, but what is with that? How does such a great gift turn into such a sour event so quickly? You give a kid a great gift, something he's been wanting for over a year, and when something goes wrong it is like you cut of the kid's hand or something.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zohar » Tue Oct 20, 2015 4:14 pm UTC

Ack! I have no advice to give, sounds like you're doing things well. Blech. Hopefully he learns?
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Chen » Tue Oct 20, 2015 5:33 pm UTC

Uh how old is this kid? The description makes me think fairly young, but the whole driving and ATV and snow mobile thing says otherwise.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Tue Oct 20, 2015 6:25 pm UTC

He is 7 years old.

The engines are only 110cc, with governors to limit speed. He is also always supervised while using them (we take the safety keys out when not in use. Also the ATV has a shut-down remote control which is nice).

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Moo » Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:58 am UTC

SPECULATION: Kids struggle to handle disappointment. We as adults have had a lifetime of training in managing and hiding our emotions that he's behind on. That big of a high, the crash down was huge. He has huge huge huge feelings of disappointment and nowhere to put them.

This would be my guess but as the mother of a 4 year old I don't know how applicable this is by age 7, or so long after the event.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:37 pm UTC

Had a similar situation with our 9 year old over her tablet. She dropped it and the screen broke. We told her that it could be fixed, but she was going to lose the use of it for a week or so until it could be repaired. She totally lost her shit over that and I just calmly responded, "Two."

She stopped ranting and just looked at me confused. "What?"

"You won't have it for two weeks, if you continue acting like that."

More ranting.

"Three."

Rant stops.

"I know that you are frustrated, but things like this take a certain amount of time. I'm sorry that your screen is broken, but neither you nor I can do anything about it right now."
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Wed Oct 21, 2015 3:54 pm UTC

Thanks for the responses.

MOO, that's my speculation as well. My only thought, which I have acted upon, is to try and explain to him why he is feeling this way and encourage him to find ways to deal with the let-down (play with something else, read a book, go to a friend's house, etc.). He was much more open to these suggestions the next day. We are going to pick up the part to repair the ATV this evening, and now I am considering withdrawing the punishment of not riding it for another week and a half. Do I stand firm or was the threat enough of a lesson?

eran_rathan, man[1], that was it almost exactly. Except my son is so stubborn (gets it from his mother *wink*) that he'll continue sulking and ranting just for spite, and take the extra punishment. When he was smaller there was a time I told him to stand in the corner. He refused, so I took one of his favorite toys and put it up high on a shelf and told him he couldn't play with it for two days. Now stand in the corner. "No." Another toy on the shelf. The kid walked over and started handing me toys! "Take them all," he said. "I don't want them anymore." The kid just accepts his punishment and refuses to change his behavior or apologize, at least in the heat of the moment. I kind of respect his willingness to stand up for himself.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby SecondTalon » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:13 pm UTC

Whizbang wrote:Thanks for the responses.

MOO, that's my speculation as well. My only thought, which I have acted upon, is to try and explain to him why he is feeling this way and encourage him to find ways to deal with the let-down (play with something else, read a book, go to a friend's house, etc.). He was much more open to these suggestions the next day. We are going to pick up the part to repair the ATV this evening, and now I am considering withdrawing the punishment of not riding it for another week and a half. Do I stand firm or was the threat enough of a lesson?

In my opinion as a person who is not a parent but was a kid and had parent(s) who would give me time-based punishments then forget about them in a few X (hours, days, weeks, etc)....

I learned pretty quick that it really didn't matter what the punishment was, if I wasn't supposed to do something (play the NES, for example) for two weeks, my parents would either forget about it in 5-6 days or just not care enough to enforce the punishment and/or add on to it for disobeying. I turned out okay, yes, but I also recognized some behavioral problems and expectation issues that I'm still working on at 35 that I believe date back to that.

Stick with it. Hell, even express disappointment along with him that he can't ride, but that it was his choice (re: the outburst) that led to the current situation.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Moo » Thu Oct 22, 2015 8:24 am UTC

SecondTalon wrote:
Whizbang wrote:Thanks for the responses.

MOO, that's my speculation as well. My only thought, which I have acted upon, is to try and explain to him why he is feeling this way and encourage him to find ways to deal with the let-down (play with something else, read a book, go to a friend's house, etc.). He was much more open to these suggestions the next day. We are going to pick up the part to repair the ATV this evening, and now I am considering withdrawing the punishment of not riding it for another week and a half. Do I stand firm or was the threat enough of a lesson?

In my opinion as a person who is not a parent but was a kid and had parent(s) who would give me time-based punishments then forget about them in a few X (hours, days, weeks, etc)....

I learned pretty quick that it really didn't matter what the punishment was, if I wasn't supposed to do something (play the NES, for example) for two weeks, my parents would either forget about it in 5-6 days or just not care enough to enforce the punishment and/or add on to it for disobeying. I turned out okay, yes, but I also recognized some behavioral problems and expectation issues that I'm still working on at 35 that I believe date back to that.

Stick with it. Hell, even express disappointment along with him that he can't ride, but that it was his choice (re: the outburst) that led to the current situation.
Yeah, I also think you'll both benefit more in the long term from the message that your boundaries are boundaries and that behavioural choices result in concequences. Don't undermine yourself. But by all means try to find something to take the edge off a bit if you think you were being harsh - "you can't ride it because that was the consequence of your outburst, but I'll let you help me wash it / pick out a new safety helmet / watch an extra movie over the weekend / pick where we eat out" whatever the thing is.

I totally understand the urge to go back because you think in hindsight you were harsh but I think that the situation will only last a week; sending the wrong message could last a lifetime.

Also, bit of unsolicited advice, great idea in finding ways to direct him into other activities but maybe try one suggestion that actually helps him vent the anger - I have NO suggestions on what form this could take but I'm thinking the equivalent of adults taking out their frustration on chopping the wood pile or boxing at the gym. Something that recognizes his feelings and says "it's ok to feel them, but here's a better way to channel them".

Good luck, and glad to hear things have evened out a bit.
Proverbs 9:7-8 wrote:Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return. Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt. So don't bother correcting mockers; they will only hate you.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby PAstrychef » Thu Oct 22, 2015 11:53 am UTC

The kids that will hand over their toys or deliberately continue to do something you just told them to stop will start to just ignore you as soon as they think they are big enough to get away with it.
Bringing them into the process can help. Have a discussion about misbehavior and punishment, and what the goals are-safety, functional behavior in family and other settings, developing character, etc.-and ask him for his ideas of what punishment would be effective. If he sees that he has the control over why and how he gets punished, he will accept it better.
Often it's the descent from on high and seemingly arbitrary nature of punishment that gets kids to resist like that.
Consider-how important is it to you to win at this scenario, and how important is it to him?
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Thu Oct 22, 2015 12:53 pm UTC

PAstrychef wrote:The kids that will hand over their toys or deliberately continue to do something you just told them to stop will start to just ignore you as soon as they think they are big enough to get away with it.
Bringing them into the process can help. Have a discussion about misbehavior and punishment, and what the goals are-safety, functional behavior in family and other settings, developing character, etc.-and ask him for his ideas of what punishment would be effective. If he sees that he has the control over why and how he gets punished, he will accept it better.
Often it's the descent from on high and seemingly arbitrary nature of punishment that gets kids to resist like that.
Consider-how important is it to you to win at this scenario, and how important is it to him?


Food for thought. Thanks. I've previously given him choices in his form of punishment (e.g. Time-out, take away toys/privileges, extra chores) and have only had mild success. In general he is a great kid and so punishment is usually unnecessary (warning him that he is behaving badlly is usually enough), but when he gets in a temper (which is only occasionally) he get stubborn. Obviously the discussion about punishment options needs to come before the temper, which can be an awkward subject to bring up. But my wife and I will definitely discuss it.

RE: Current punishment - He is on a parole of sorts. For the next week and half he has to have no outbursts of any kind and has to complete his homework (without any fuss), clean up his messes the first time asked, and do at least two of a list of daily chores. If he does these things he can ride for a bit each day. Subject to arbitrary judgement from on-high.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Fri Oct 23, 2015 7:37 pm UTC

No goddamn sense.png

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby PictureSarah » Fri Oct 23, 2015 10:39 pm UTC

"This pumpkin is TOO BIG, Mommy. TOO BIG. Take it out! I don't want this pumpkin!"
12087814_10100716397605268_5719840457581346128_o.jpg


Evidently he doesn't want to carve a pumpkin, and instead requested a small assortment of pumpkins in different colors and shapes, which he then painstakingly arranged on the coffee table.

12094981_10100716463942328_4417627201158414591_o.jpg
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Sat Oct 31, 2015 3:09 am UTC

Pic

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zohar » Sat Oct 31, 2015 3:11 am UTC

While that is an adorable prisoner, it's not a very secure jail.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Sat Oct 31, 2015 3:20 am UTC

The floor outside the jail is lava.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zohar » Sat Oct 31, 2015 12:59 pm UTC

Ah, yes, that would make sense.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Sableagle » Sat Oct 31, 2015 4:32 pm UTC

No, it doesn't. That's a terrible idea. Those prisoners are enough of a threat to society without you exposing them to hot lava.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Moo » Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:39 am UTC

Adorable!
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby PictureSarah » Wed Nov 25, 2015 5:16 am UTC

12238194_10100734211041998_3748782099570800542_o.jpg

We have worn my son using stretchy wraps, woven wraps and soft structured carriers since he was born.
Now he wants to wear his penguin all the time.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby poxic » Thu Nov 26, 2015 12:07 am UTC

Daaaawwww.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Thu Nov 26, 2015 12:10 am UTC

That's a great smile

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby bentheimmigrant » Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:48 pm UTC

So, the two year old decided yesterday that his bedtime was not 7, but midnight. He spent much of the time between either in despair or just straight up angry with the world.

We'd gotten home a little late from a family meal, so it was more like 8, but then his blanket got dropped in the mud, so it had to go in the wash. If we'd realised he'd last another four hours we would have put it through immediately.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Sun Dec 06, 2015 9:33 pm UTC

Phamily Photo Day.

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Da Boys


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The Boys & I

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby bentheimmigrant » Sun Dec 13, 2015 11:16 am UTC

We discovered this morning that the two year old thinks that the word "smear" is hilarious. Almost uncontrollable laughter if you say it while dipping food in sauce, or wiping his face.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Sebestian » Wed Dec 16, 2015 9:16 am UTC

What a Lovely smile :)

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Mon Sep 19, 2016 11:29 am UTC

We took the eldest (8yo) to a paint bar yesterday and had a blast. I recommend it. Though in the future I think I'll find YouTube videos to do it from home, otherwise it might end up being a once or twice a year kind of thing.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zamfir » Thu Sep 22, 2016 6:31 pm UTC

[quote][/quote]Whats a paint bar? They don't serve paint in bars around here, or even thinner to sniff.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:22 pm UTC

They are becoming fairly popular around where I live (New England, USA). 2 or 3 times a day they have a paint session for a couple of hours. They are aimed at people with little or no painting or art background. They walk you through the painting chosen for that session and generally people walk away impressed at their previously unknown painting talents. Plus the place serves alcohol and bits of food. So, as a date or bachelorette party or birthday event or whatever it is a great option. Most places also do kids sessions or family sessions where the paintings are usually even simpler and have cute animals or something. That's what we did.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby eran_rathan » Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:41 pm UTC

So I've got a question for the other parents out there. We are taking our younger daughter (Kaylee) to get tested for Autism spectrum. She's 5, but she has some pretty major emotional issues as well as possibly some learning disabilities (severe dyslexia, perhaps?) while being exceptionally intelligent.

Anyways, i was wondering if any of you fine folk out there have had any experience with autism spectrum kids or ideas of what to expect or thoughts or whatever.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Moo » Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:01 am UTC

No, none at all. My 5yo son just has some sensory integration issues and that's stressful enough for me, I can't even imagine. Wishing you definitive answers and effective treatment options!
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Whizbang » Mon Oct 10, 2016 1:47 pm UTC

Here. Have a smile.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zamfir » Wed Oct 12, 2016 9:08 am UTC

Good smile.

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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Moo » Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:11 pm UTC

So my kid is apparently hugely intelligent and probably ADD. Poop.

I'm not looking for advice (just yet); I'm just venting. Lots of thinking and reading to be done.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby wst » Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:36 pm UTC

I've acquired a 7 year old through dint of going out with someone who already had a kid. Turns out I'm alright at looking after kids. I daren't hold a baby though, I don't know how the fuck they work. I'll cross that hurdle when I get to it.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zohar » Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:05 pm UTC

Congrats, good luck, and butt out when needed! The best thing my dad and step mom did when merging our two families together was create clear boundaries between themselves with regards to talking about each other's kids.
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby PAstrychef » Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:17 pm UTC

I've seen people posting about how stepchildren, or their partner''s pre-existing kids aren't really part of their family, to the extent of abandoning them when their real parent dies, even if they had been that child's father (mostly men that I've res about about) for years.
I certainly did not want a parental relationship with my mom's second husband but I was 43 when she remarried and my dad had been dead since 1991.
Where would you say the boundaries are, and how much does the age of the children make a difference?
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby Zohar » Tue Nov 01, 2016 1:13 pm UTC

I think we're part of each other's family, but it's a more complicated relationship, for sure.

In our case, I was about 15 when my step-mom and her children moved in with us (which was another big discussion, and a concession she made for my dad - living in a space where my mom's memory dominated). My step-sister is about 3.5 years younger than I am, and I don't feel awkward at all calling her "sister" since I feel we grew up together. My step-brother is about 3 years older and we never spent a lot of time living in the same house (he was living out of the house at that time, doing a year of service somewhere else, then his military service away from home, etc.). I call him brother basically because I call her my sister.

So I think age definitely plays a part in this. On the one hand, you might have fewer bonding experiences available the older you are, on the other hand, there's less education and discipline from the parent to the child if you're older. In our case, we were definitely still children. While none of us were too difficult or challenging, there were definitely parental education moments and instructions that had to be given out. My parents (dad and step-mom) decided very early that they would each be "in charge" of their own children. Which isn't to say that my step-mom had to suffer with whatever I did - if she wanted to tell me something (in the "don't do this" or "please do that" sort of way), she would tell my dad and my dad would tell me.

This didn't seem awkward or complicated, but I think when I got a little older I understood more of the dynamic they set. I think it's critical to have these conversations with your partner and to set expectations ahead of time. Because of how they ran things in the house, we managed to created a pretty cohesive family, without any of the "You're not my mom!!!" moments you might expect from watching TV drama shows. I jokingly, but not so jokingly, call us "a Brady bunch".
Mighty Jalapeno: "See, Zohar agrees, and he's nice to people."
SecondTalon: "Still better looking than Jesus."

Not how I say my name

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mochafairy
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby mochafairy » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:11 pm UTC

Look at this. I've been gone so long that there's now a parenting thread!

We made a baby and met our little latte about a month ago - super cute, but stinky poops. Oh, well. At least he is a great snuggler and has the most adorable hiccups!

I'm still not allowed to really do anything outside of keep baby and me alive (food, sleep, bathroom, for both of us) because pregnancy, labor, and delivery did not go very well (mochas review- pregnancy: 2.5 / 5 stars, labor: 0 / 5 stars, delivery: -5 / 5 stars, would not recommend or repeat experience until technology to teleport completed baby out of uterus is available).
"YES. DO IT WITH CONFIDENCE" ~fortune cookie

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dubsola
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Re: Parenting - Gushes, Rants, Advice & Worries

Postby dubsola » Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:42 am UTC

Yay, baby!

I'm a parent now. My girl is almost 3, pretty smart, funny, and reasonably well behaved. Lots of patience required but that's to be expected. Not comfortable posting a picture but rest assured she is sweet.

Current challenges are the expected tantrums / defiant behaviour. For tantrums, I usually let them happen, and comfort when it seems like it will be welcomed. Bad behaviour, if unstopped after instructed, results in both of us leaving the room, sitting down for a conversation, and seeing how that goes. If a tantrum / crying results, I just let it happen, and then try the conversation again. It's not often that this doesn't succeed, but I can see there's a point of diminishing returns and if it's not going anywhere I give up and wait for the next time.

Haven't had to 'punish' her beyond timeouts yet, and even then only a few times. She's been pretty good to us!

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In general I would say so much of parenting is observing what's going on, and it's so much harder to do that when you're upset, tired, over emotional, etc. Which you get to be as a parent! But it makes me wonder when people say 'you can't know kids, you don't have any' to nannies and what not. There's no magical spell that says once you have a kid you are good at kids.


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