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Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:36 am UTC
by GMThomas
Hey guys.

I have a question. I have intense and overwhelming feelings on loneliness at all times. Talking with friends, eating dinner with parents, and other social activities that should probably make it go away. Is this normal? It doesn't seem right, and it makes me hopelessly depressed. I've noticed it goes away significantly with girls, which is why I seek them out.

I know a lot of high schoolers feel this, but to what degree? Is it right to make you feel helpless and completely darken your day for no reason? Is it supposed to make you cry every day?

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:45 am UTC
by Sissi
I felt that way when I was in High School. I still do, somewhat, but the feeling is much less than what it originally was.
However, I never felt helpless or overly sad because of it; I was more angry about not fitting in than anything. Only times I cried was when my rabbit had passed away.

I suggest trying to find something that soothes you--Art, music, literature, anything natural, and stay away from the evil presriptions for anti-diagnosis.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:51 am UTC
by GMThomas
But the thing is, nothing soothes me. I do sooo many activities (art, programming, video games, making music, flying planes, etc.) that should atleast help but I find myself unable to focus on these activities from what I was talking about earlier.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:52 am UTC
by Rippy
I'm exactly the same right now. Maybe not quite as severely, but otherwise, exact same thing. I guess it has to do with how I'm at a new school this year, but I haven't got any real friends there. It's easy to make what I call "loose" friends, that you can hang out with at lunch and talk to, but that's different. If they moved away suddenly, you'd just sort of move on.

It would be so much easier if high school contained more than video game geeks (i.e. BAD kind of geek) and stupid "cool" people. If there are smart people there, they're hiding.

Also, the only advice I can give is not to go get anti-depressants unless you're seriously contemplating suicide or some other nonsense. It's best not to take meds unless you really need them. I would suggest taking up running; I do it a lot myself. You get out in the fresh air, the exercise makes you feel great (or if you're having a bad day, you can channel that despair into your running so that you end up feeling drained rather than depressed). Or any other kind of exercise you enjoy and that's easily accessible. I know it doesn't directly help the loneliness thing, but I find exercise does wonders to your mood.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:55 am UTC
by GMThomas
Wow. Am I talking to my clone?

I'm new to my school too. Not very many real friends, just some lunch buddies. Can't find any real smart kids - no programmers, intellectuals, or anything. Just some video game nerds. What a drag.

So yeah, can't say I'm in very many satisfying relationships. It's hard cause I move every year, always to a different state, sometimes to a different country. I made some very good friends last year - but that did not quell the feeling of being hopelessly alone.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:56 am UTC
by niko7865
I have two girl friends and I still feel lonely.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:00 am UTC
by Rippy
The sad thing is, my plan is to tough it out until University, where I know I'll flourish in the presence of people who aren't idiots. 1 semester down, 3 to go.

I think I'm a pessimist.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:12 am UTC
by Sissi
Pessimist? Heh. You seem more like a grim optimist.

Have you tried looking in the mirror, GMT? It's not really soothing, but I imagine it might steer something up in you.
Dancing is one thing that really helped me (Help looks weird...), and still does help me. Not a full out dance, but sometimes just a twirl or a run-run-leap. I can't say what will and what will not help you as I'm not you, and I never imagined in all my life that jazz would be so blissful to my ears.

You may want to try writing if you haven't.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:17 am UTC
by SecondTalon
Are you sure it's lonliness, and not isolation?

as in, as I understand it..and this is a quick definition here... Lonliness is the desire to interact with others; Isolation is the desire to connect with others yet unable to make this connection regardless of the number of interactions interactions.

I mean.. basically, if you're interacting with people, as I understand it, you're not lonly. But you could still be isolated.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:22 am UTC
by stockpot
Yes, that's a very normal way to feel when you don't have any close friends for a period of time.
Unfortunately, it's hard to go out and make new friends when you're feeling so lousy already.

If I were in your place, I'd keep trying to make better friends. If you can't find any properly nerdy fellows around you, make friends with the non-nerds. There's no reason you need to feel seperate from them just because some of you read physics books for fun and some of you don't. And many are probably much smarter and less annoying than you think. No place is completely devoid of interesting people. Also, remember that girls can exist as nonromantic objects too. If the local males are not to your liking, try hanging out with the females. If you really truly can't stand anyone at your high school, look around outside of school. Talk to strangers! Exchange books. Don't get into any suspiscious white vans.

Also, exercise is amazing for everything.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:15 am UTC
by GMThomas
But... what if the driver of that white van offers me candy? I can't resist Swedish Fish...

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:20 am UTC
by superglucose
Eh, it happened to me. I ended up getting really depressed, and bad break ups are really horrible for me, but whatever, ya know? My advice is to keep a head up and watch yourself. Unless you really start trying to hurt yourself physically, ride it out. Maybe find someone you can talk to about it, but if you can't that's cool too. Riding the waves helped me find out who I was, as cheesy as it sounds, and helped me fix a lot of problems I had with who I was.

Good luck to you brother! Fight on!

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:22 am UTC
by bbctol
Random teenage depression? It's fun stuff. My solution was finding a community of smart people via the Internet. I wonder who they could be.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:25 am UTC
by Zak
I havn't had to deal with random teenage depression (yet) although i have had those times where you get intense feelings of rage. I listen to metal for that.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:32 am UTC
by superglucose
Z.A.K wrote:I havn't had to deal with random teenage depression (yet) although i have had those times where you get intense feelings of rage. I listen to metal for that.


You may not get it. I know some people who didn't. Most do, and it's not fun, but I really do suggest not worrying about it.

And @ the op, I wasn't trying to say you were doing anything wrong. Quite the opposite, I was trying to give advice congruent to what you've done so you'd realize I think you're doing the right thing.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:03 am UTC
by Aleril
bbctol wrote:Random teenage depression? It's fun stuff. My solution was finding a community of smart people via the Internet. I wonder who they could be.


Yea, I have had that as I didnt have many friends in Freshman or Sophmore year, but have somehow gotten over it.

Oh, and my fits of depression usually involved violence back then, which didnt work too well with the safety advocate. (Aka: Hello Mr. Therapist!)

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:15 am UTC
by Number3Pencils
Note: Thank you to the people who suggested exercise. You made me realize that my sedentism is probably responsible for the irrational brief depressions I've been sinking into for the last week or so. i never had them before because I rode my bike a lot (to school every day) and did other exercising stuff. I haven't for a while. Tomorrow I'm going out on my bike, and damn the ten inches of snow, HA HA HAAA (that's my maniacal laugh).

Spoiler:
Supplementary note in case my forum-browsing and worrying mom reads this: I'll be fine. And you should consider that exercise too. It makes one happier.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:17 am UTC
by ThorFluff
high school was made of win, awesome and happy times for me. It was before and after that really sucked. BUT if women makes you feel good, seek out women! DUH! a perfectly normal thing to do by the way. And as the sayings go, there are no rules to war or love. Take a class with lots of girls, Drama class is a personal favorite...

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 2:03 pm UTC
by GMThomas
Number3Pencils wrote:and damn the ten inches of snow,

Biking in ten inches of snow? I did that on Tuesday - Was going really fast, no helmet, next to a school bus full of kids, no hands either - BAM! I hit a patch of ice and was on the ground so fast that I don't even remember being in the air. It was just one moment I was on the bike and the next instant I was on the ground with my feet up in the air. I somehow managed to get my arm cut up through my sweatshirt, and it swelled up like an inch :D

superglucose wrote:Good luck to you brother! Fight on!

Saying that with a Father Grigori accent makes that quote amazing.

I hear everyone telling me to ride it out, and that's what I'm doing. Just letting the currents take me wherever they are going to.

bbctol wrote:Random teenage depression? It's fun stuff. My solution was finding a community of smart people via the Internet. I wonder who they could be.


*Scratches chin* Is it... xkcd fora? Nah... that would be too obvious...

Z.A.K wrote:I listen to metal for that.

I listen to metal at all points in time, however I hardly ever feel any sort of rage at all.

superglucose wrote:And @ the op, I wasn't trying to say you were doing anything wrong. Quite the opposite, I was trying to give advice congruent to what you've done so you'd realize I think you're doing the right thing.

Did I say YOU were doing anything wrong? I don't recall saying anything like that. I agree with what you are saying and taking your advice.

ThorFluff wrote:seek out women! DUH! a perfectly normal thing to do by the way.

Apparently you've never seen ME seek out women. It's the most... un-normal... thing ever. It's like a koala... attempting to have sex... with a vulture. Also, being around women generally makes me more depressed as they always seem to be on a pedestal above me (or rather, me being in a crater). I have emotions, don't ya know... They shouldn't be treating me like I don't. I've hung out with plenty of girls in my day. Most of them I ended up getting some sort of attractions to (I can't help it :( I wish I could) which obviously weren't mirrored (which is a little odd because girls tell me how many things we have in common, how cute I am, how nice I am, how sweet I am, how funny I am, how smart I am, etc. etc. AND STILL MANAGE TO ONLY LIKE ME AS A FRIEND). And then, mentally, I just freak out and leave them, even if they are good friends. I don't know why I do this, nor can I prevent myself from doing this. But I guess this will be saved for another discussion.

So anyways, I guess I'll just ride it out till college. Three more semesters. I'm glad to know that a lot of people feel as I do, so I feel a lot better. Thanks guys.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 2:50 pm UTC
by zenten
Go find a LARP, those tend to have women in them.

At least that's what I did.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:36 pm UTC
by segmentation fault
by loneliness do you mean no friends or no significant other?

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:40 pm UTC
by Savoy_Truffle
I think I might have an irrational fear of being alone, because it's the most hellish thing I can think of, sometimes. In fact, it's taking me a long while to realize I'm *hah* alone in this problem, starting with the fact that my crush apparently *likes* being alone. It's baffling, but I suppose it takes all kinds.

And by alone I mean the whole shebang -- no SO, no friends around, no family around (I can be terrified by myself for a couple minutes until someone joins me).

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:49 pm UTC
by SecondTalon
Hell is other people.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:04 pm UTC
by Sissi
Are you upset because you aren't in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex? Are you wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex?

Girls tend to be much more vocal about their feelings--They're willing to be heard saying that you're cute, etc. Boys are usually told that's girly and if you express your feelings, you're gay. You're probably hearing something else than what they are saying. If you're smiling and your Mother says "You look gay," does she mean to say you look happy or that you look like a flamer? Here in America, girls--especially the popular girls--Seem to prefer assholes over nice guys.

And why do you suggest that the girls are somehow above you? Are you hanging out with the *gasp* snobs!? How are they treating you? Are you expecting them to swoon over you, or submit to your will? Are they doing the opposite of what you would like for them to do, such as ignoring you when you're around when you want them to focus on you? Maybe the problem isn't them, ya know?

All in all, the opposite sex is a toxin and should be avoided until you are emotionally mature.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:34 pm UTC
by trickster721
I used to get depressed when I was a teenager. Once, I went and sat in a graveyard on a wet cloudy day, all poetical-like. After sitting there for about an hour, here are the conclusions I came to.

  • It was really cold and wet there.
  • Everybody there was dead.
  • I was not dead yet.

Then I went home and had a cup of tea and felt much better.

Another time I stayed in my room for a week and finger-painted on the walls and ceiling. That helped, too.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:42 pm UTC
by Izawwlgood
You should know that going to university isn't a get out of depression free card. There are lots of stupid tards there. Lots. And they are more enabled in their stupidity.

If you have overwhelming, debilitating loneliness, you ought to talk to the highschool counselor, or even consider a therapist.

I went through a period where no amount of anything made me feel any less lonely, and it really just boiled down to being depressed in a bad place for myself. It passes, if you are a reasonably adjusted individual, or at least together enough to recognize this as a problem, you'll swing out of this spell.

Sunshine helps. So do puppies. Seriously.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:16 pm UTC
by El Senor Fruit Swing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm waiting for shit to hit the fan..
I'm waiting to get jumped by some Gang... or to find out I was adopted, or take candy*cough roofies cough* from strangers and not care.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:14 pm UTC
by Rippy
Izawwlgood wrote:Sunshine helps. So do puppies. Seriously.

Yep, whenever I'm depressed, I go outside and strangle a puppy, and then I feel better.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 10:25 pm UTC
by GMThomas
zenten wrote:Go find a LARP, those tend to have women in them.

At least that's what I did.

LARP?

segmentation fault wrote:by loneliness do you mean no friends or no significant other?

Neither.

Sissi wrote:Are you upset because you aren't in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex? Are you wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex?

Um... yes.

Sissi wrote:Girls tend to be much more vocal about their feelings--They're willing to be heard saying that you're cute, etc. Boys are usually told that's girly and if you express your feelings, you're gay. You're probably hearing something else than what they are saying. If you're smiling and your Mother says "You look gay," does she mean to say you look happy or that you look like a flamer? Here in America, girls--especially the popular girls--Seem to prefer assholes over nice guys.

I know what you're saying. I'm not sure how the words "cute" and "sweet" can be misconstrued, especially when they are deliberately complimenting me.

Nice guys come last, I know.

Sissi wrote:And why do you suggest that the girls are somehow above you? Are you hanging out with the *gasp* snobs!? How are they treating you? Are you expecting them to swoon over you, or submit to your will? Are they doing the opposite of what you would like for them to do, such as ignoring you when you're around when you want them to focus on you? Maybe the problem isn't them, ya know?

No. I hang out with nice girls who aren't very popular but don't try to be either. I hate snobs. Communication with them usually involves the words "help" and "homework." But no, I just want to be accepted and maybe possibly noticed. I want them to *want* to talk to me, as opposed to me having to start all conversations with them.


Sissi wrote:All in all, the opposite sex is a toxin and should be avoided until you are emotionally mature.

Well I wear an HEV suit most of the time, which provides me with an antidote that should protect me against life-threatening toxins.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:18 pm UTC
by __Kit
bbctol wrote:Random teenage depression? It's fun stuff. My solution was finding a community of smart people via the Internet. I wonder who they could be.

QFT

Yeah I'm kind of feeling the same way, I'm seriously considering changing schools aswell. I blame it all on the fact I have no girlfriend it seems. Oh I am pathetic.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:21 pm UTC
by Freakish
I've been feeling detached from pretty much everything for a couple of years. I just pretty much got use to it.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:41 pm UTC
by Izawwlgood
If I could talk to myself in highschool, I would shake the guy, and scream in his face "RELAX! You are not going to spend the rest of your life here, with her, or feeling this way, and your not any different from anyone else!"

Seriously. Think about it.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:08 am UTC
by Freakish
Izawwlgood wrote:If I could talk to myself in highschool, I would shake the guy, and scream in his face "RELAX! You are not going to spend the rest of your life here, with her, or feeling this way, and your not any different from anyone else!"

Seriously. Think about it.


Paradox much? Not sure if your "you're not any different from anyone else!" was general to all geeks, but I really don't think that's the case, at least with me. I'm constantly reminded by the people around me that I am "weird". Finding someone that I could relate to, or a girl that could fill in the gaps of my life, would be great, but I'm not going to keep my hopes up. I honestly don't know what regular people do when they hangout. All I've ever done is game, watch movies. I can't see myself sitting somewhere talking to friends for hours.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:25 am UTC
by Izawwlgood
Feeling socially awkward, not feeling like you fit in, being told your weird... feeling like your the only one who understands what your going through...

Theres a great quote by Aristotle, paraphrased, but deal with it:
"The youth of today are disrespectful to their elders, disinterested in learning their history, have little appreciation for finer music and poetry, and are in sum, a rebellious, disaffected lot"

Nothing changes. I'm not saying your boring, or wrong to feel this way, I'm just saying to take a deep breath, think to yourself "Theres a good chance I'm being very melodramatic here" and do something fun with yourself.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:35 am UTC
by functionally_stupid
>.< Hmmmm. I have the urge to say something wise.

I'm not very good at that.

But...

It's going to be okay. You are a smart person, and you will figure things out. Most of the time people are too scared or clueless to figure out when people *need* things; if you are lonely and feeling unloved, the best remedy, I have found, is to offer plenty of attention and affection to other people. People don't spontaneously *give* affection, in my experience; the best way to get them to do that is to give *first*. Or just, you know, ask for it from people you trust. (I, myself, have been known to crawl over to people, hug their legs, and mumble "Gimme 'tention!". This only works because I am cute enough to get away with it. Not reccommended.)

If the problem is that you're afraid of trusting people, then, well, stop being afraid of getting hurt. You're stronger than you think you are, and you can stand a little hurt; plus, you're a smart lad, and I doubt you'll be hurt by the people you choose to open up to. Believe in your own strength and good judgement, and allow for some inevitable fuckups (adolescence is a royal bitch for what it does to your brain structure), and you'll be just ducky!

I don't really know what's *normal*. And in my experience, the sudden-bouts-of-loneliness-while-with-other-people are pretty painful, and don't go away for good; but they can be dealt with, and compensated for, by making a few very close friends. Because they become a part of you, and you can go to them when you are hurting and they can make things better. *nod nod* That's all I can offer. Hope things get better for you.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:42 am UTC
by kellsbells
That was nice, functionally_stupid.

As a fellow high-schooler, and a girl, I thought I might weigh in. We all get lonely sometimes... some more than others. Once in a while I get terrible bouts of loneliness and feel like I will always be alone.

Then I realize that I am wrong. You're going to be fine. A couple of years ago I moved to a new school and had to go through the whole integration process...everyone already has friends... I know what it is like. You feel like there is nobody like you. But there are those people, I promise. You can find them. It takes time, and probably more outgoing friendliness than you usually have to exert (I'm pretty shy normally), but you can find friends/SOs if you work hard.

As for how you feel with girls, DO NOT imagine yourself below them. If they don't treat you like you have emotions, you are hanging out with the wrong girls and/or letting them feel better about themselves by screwing with you. Don't come on too strong with the I'm-attracted-to-you thing (if you're not sure that it's reciprocated) and you should be fine.

This too shall pass. Make the best of what you can influence, and what you can't, decide that it doesn't matter. You can only be lonely if you let yourself. Things will get better, maybe sooner than you think.

Anyway, hope this makes you feel better. Teenagers are angsty... that's how we are. In a few years, this may seem like nothing. Just look forward to that time (that's what I do). Hope everything works out.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:46 am UTC
by GMThomas
if you are lonely and feeling unloved, the best remedy, I have found, is to offer plenty of attention and affection to other people. People don't spontaneously *give* affection,

I do that to people, but to an extreme, obsessive degree. Ugh.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:51 am UTC
by Sissi
GMThomas wrote:I know what you're saying. I'm not sure how the words "cute" and "sweet" can be misconstrued, especially when they are deliberately complimenting me.

Are they *deliberately* complimenting you, or are they just being honest? It's as I said before: Different people, different meanings.

They may be complimenting you deliberately, yes. But do your feelings alter that meaning? And if so, where does the change happen?
I have very strong feelings for a close friend of mine. Is it love? Is it gratitude? Or is it just the comfortable warmth of a gun barrel? I want to say I love them, but I don't understand the meaning behind that feeling. To quote The Rocky Horror Show,
Charles Gray wrote:Emotion is an irrational and powerful master.

It's true.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 10:15 am UTC
by theonlyjett
superglucose wrote:Unless you really start trying to hurt yourself physically, ride it out.
I'm on board with this line of thought. I firmly believe that our feelings should follow our thoughts and never the other way around. The problem is that a lot of our thoughts are abstract, never taking form in words. This is why we sometimes react in anger or other strong emotion and then realize later that we didn't really have a good reason to.

I first came upon this thought when hearing this: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Anyhow, I'm just trying to say that I think it's possible that you may have to meditate on those feelings and not fight them to explore where they may be coming from and to falsify those thoughts and insecurities that perpetuate them. Case in point:
kellsbells wrote:Once in a while I get terrible bouts of loneliness and feel like I will always be alone.

Then I realize that I am wrong.
I also happen to agree with functionally_stupid and kellsbells. As for being "normal," if you take comfort in believing that you are like everybody else, then I guess that's fine. And for all intents and purposes you are normal. But you should never have to feel like you have to be. You are just you and you should never apologize for that. I know it's easier to have feelings of self worth when somebody else accepts you enough to be intimate with you (however you define intimacy), but you must remind yourself that your self worth has no correlation with what others may or may not see in you.

I probably could have said this better, but I hope it contributes something to this for you.

Re: Incredibly Lonely... Is This Normal?

Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 4:05 am UTC
by Rippy
theonlyjett wrote:As for being "normal," if you take comfort in believing that you are like everybody else, then I guess that's fine. And for all intents and purposes you are normal. But you should never have to feel like you have to be.

I get this a lot. I'll get to school 15 minutes early and have nothing at all to do, but I have my DS in my bag. My first thought is "wow that would look stupid, just sitting here at my locker playing mario kart". And then a few seconds later, "...wait.. why should I care?" I do that kind of thing all the time.