Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

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Is there one special person for you?

Yes
22
12%
No
107
58%
Maybe
56
30%
 
Total votes: 185

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Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:30 pm UTC

A common theme in various media (as well as sometimes in contemporary religion), is the concept of the "one". That is, there is one special person that each person is destined to be with.

Do you believe this is true?

Personally, I feel like the One can be an unhelpful concept... for example when undergoing relationship difficulties, you could conclude that "oh, that's because s/he's not the One" and break up, rather than working through it.

Now I'm not trying to say that any person could be happy with anybody with sufficient effort. It seems to me that there is a small subset of people that each person could work with, but none of them is absolutely perfect.

Whadja reckon?

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby cypherspace » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:35 pm UTC

I agree entirely. Load of rubbish. Six billion people in the world and only one of them's right for you? I think not.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby davef » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:37 pm UTC

SpitValve wrote:It seems to me that there is a small subset of people that each person could work with, but none of them is absolutely perfect.

This. ^
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Visceroid » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:38 pm UTC

nah dont think so.

just brain chemistry at the end of the day.
A subset of the population will meet the criteria to give you that kick.

It depends on how you define the one though. I'd only look at from a perspective of the past in your late years where you can say yeah my husband/wife/ex partner was the one that did it all for you.

I dont believe in destiny. I believe cause and effect.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby The Mighty Thesaurus » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:45 pm UTC

Visceroid wrote:I dont believe in destiny. I believe cause and effect.


The cause: destiny. The effect: more destiny. It's win-win.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:48 pm UTC

davef wrote:The idea that there's only one person to whom you are ideally suited annoys the everloving shite out of me. I blame Sex And The City.


And Friends :)

The thing that bothers me is how this concept has snuck into modern Christianity. It has no biblical basis - it comes from Friends and Oprah. The Christian argument is that God has a plan for us, and that plan includes the one person that is for us. Personally, I believe there are plenty of good God-approved plans we could follow in our life :)

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Visceroid » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:49 pm UTC

The Mighty Thesaurus wrote:
Visceroid wrote:I dont believe in destiny. I believe cause and effect.


The cause: destiny. The effect: more destiny. It's win-win.


haha yeah ive thought of that. The argument is circular.

Lets look at quantum mechanics but - events are probabilistic and outcomes cannot be pre-determined.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby The Mighty Thesaurus » Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:02 pm UTC

Results can be falsified, experiments performed incorrectly, lab assistants beaten with tennis racquets.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby TizzyFoe » Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:53 pm UTC

13 people said yes. Whats your rational?

edit: 13%, which was only 3. Still i demand one of you explain why.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:58 pm UTC

I'm also interested in arguments that not so much say that the One exists, but that it is good for life/love/happiness to believe in "the one".

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SecondTalon » Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:19 pm UTC

Yeah, it's preposterous. The idea out of the .. we at 6.7 billionish? there's one person meant for YOU.

For the sake of simplicity, assuming everyone's Heterosexual (they're not) and assuming that whoever is RightForYou is within a close age bracket of yours (+/- 5 years roughly) that's going to leave (using this page's graph for the year 2008 and an age of 25) 557,791,892 people to sift through. Well, that's the 20-29 bracket, at least. I'm sure if you add in the 30s it's going to increase by almost 100,000,000.

So let's just call it 600,000,000 to keep it simple.

(I know, I cheated.. I didn't use the actual male/female figures, I just used the total figures, added them together and divided by 2. Bleh to you too)

Of course, the best places to start looking would be India or China. After all, that's where a bulk of the people are. Statistically speaking, the person who's supposed to be your lifemate is from Asia, there's no real way around that.

Throwing all that out, let's assume the DietyOfYourChoice has a plan. Let's assume you grew up in a small town and moved to a city, or moved from one city to another upon reaching protoadulthood. After many wacky dating misadventures, you find someone you connect with, settle down, blah blah blah. Well.. first there's you moving from wherever you were to where you are. Then there's the various things you ended up doing to kill time waiting for the person to show up, and all the people along the way who had to be there to help you kill the time. There's also the problem of whoever you ended up with.. that person either had equally wacky dating misadventures, or perhaps was still in High School or was doing fine working at a job until termination occurred for some reason, perhaps.. maybe a divorce? Something along those lines to change the situation (Remember, our test subject is 25, we're shooting for a 20-30 range.. so going back in time five years to when you moved to City at age 20, the person you are destined to be with was 15-25)

Out of all the wacky hijinks that occurred along the way, you two finally meet and get to hear angels or whatever. To me, this suggests one of three things, though the last two are closely related -

A : The idea of "The One" or Soulmates or whatever you want to call it is complete bullshit. There's going to be plenty of people out there who mesh well with you if you keep looking. Hell, odds are that if you went looking right now, you'd find someone much better than who you're currently with. But that involves the long process of looking and, let's face it, you're likely to be in your 50s before you find them, unless you're just not picky. God's happy for you or whatever, but for the most part he's not really involved in the whole process, unless you include God on your own terms.

B : Free Will is Bullshit. The amount of small coincidences and minor chances that happened along the way (along with major life changing ones) are too great to have happened on their own for you to end up with said person. Obviously, someone or something is controlling all of your actions. God has a Plan, indeed.. and you're not allowed to deviate from it. Sucks for you sinners!

C : Alright, God has a Plan and you've just been really, really goddamn lucky. This, of course, leaves in the problem of people who through all evidence appear to be each other's One, but for some reason they do not support each other in growing towards Religion X, but instead either have a growth towards Religion Y, leave each other alone about religious choices, or grow towards a complete rejection of religion. God's obviously really weird.

Anyway, I can't see a way of looking at the concept of The One without some religious basis, as looking at the statistics, you're never going to meet your One if there isn't some force controlling the location of your births.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Cheese » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:32 pm UTC

Erm... sorry to not write an essay-style post, but I've not really got much to say on this. I picked 'maybe', because I treat each and every relationship like 'the one'. It helps, especially as I keep thinking of how temporary everything is.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby bbctol » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:43 pm UTC

Theoretically true, as if we rate how well you match with a person on a continuum, there is indeed one person in the world who is *the best*, but differences are too minute for anyone to notice without careful observation or care long enough to continue reading this overly long sentence with nothing much to say that for some reason, I just can't bring myself to end. There.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Izawwlgood » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:46 pm UTC

From what I've gathered, relationships are not about perfect matches or pure romance or any of that bullshit, but rather finding someone you can spend your life with. Compromise.

Don't try and mathematically solve this problem. There will always be people who in the moment you'd rather be with then the one you are with, but thats not the bloody point. Be with the one you love and love the one your with!
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Shadow Tyrant » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:51 pm UTC

SpitValve wrote:Now I'm not trying to say that any person could be happy with anybody with sufficient effort. It seems to me that there is a small subset of people that each person could work with, but none of them is absolutely perfect.

This, for everyone. Everyone except for me, that is. Oviously there is no one I'm compatable with.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Cheese » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:51 pm UTC

Izawwlgood wrote:There will always be people who in the moment you'd rather be with then the one you are with, but thats not the bloody point. Be with the one you love and love the one your with!
If you somehow did get to be with one person who you'd 'rather be with', you'd probably find out that they didn't like being with you so much, so your enjoyment would deteriorate...
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Izawwlgood » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:53 pm UTC

Or you'd realize instantaneous gratification isn't the same as being with someone who actually knows you (physically and emotionally). There isn't a 'one' for you, but monogamy is awesome.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Brooks » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:58 pm UTC

The question mixes up subjective and objective judgments. Of course, with 6 billion people on earth, there are going to be multiple people that any of us would be highly compatible with.

However, we are subjective and irrational beings. It is possible to run into someone who affects us so strongly that that person -- their personality, pheromones, habits, flaws, etc -- becomes "the one." If you choose to believe in destiny, you can look at it that way, but a belief in destiny is not necessary for the reality to happen to you.

I answered from that perspective -- I don't believe in destiny from birth or mystic connections between people who have not met, but I know from experience that is possible to meet someone who becomes "the one" in short order and who makes those other 6 billion people seem like a different species.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby bluebambue » Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:20 pm UTC

I heard from somewhere (that probably isn't very reputable) that you, on average, meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with once every 7 years.

I chose no.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:00 pm UTC

Brooks wrote:However, we are subjective and irrational beings. It is possible to run into someone who affects us so strongly that that person -- their personality, pheromones, habits, flaws, etc -- becomes "the one." If you choose to believe in destiny, you can look at it that way, but a belief in destiny is not necessary for the reality to happen to you.


So the someone can become the One, but nobody is born that way? I can live with that.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Mo0man » Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:35 pm UTC

If they're "The One" wouldn't that mean, by definition, that they live close to you and you don't have to sift through.. 600 million people?
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Cheese » Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:44 pm UTC

Mo0man wrote:If they're "The One" wouldn't that mean, by definition, that they live close to you and you don't have to sift through.. 600 million people?
Is this as in "There is a One, and you will definitely have a chance with them", or do I misunderstand?
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Antimatter Spork » Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:46 pm UTC

Spitvalve speaks truth.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Kami888 » Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:22 pm UTC

That is, there is one special person that each person is destined to be with.

Destined? Well, you know, if you assume the determinist viewpoint that randomness does not exist, then yeah, of course, there could be one person who you are destined to end up with, perhaps marry, and possibly break up later, then meet a new person, etc.
Whether the determinist view is correct or not, I don't think this would affect my life choices either way.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Aperfectring » Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:50 pm UTC

Lets assume that from the time you are 15, you meet (meaning have any sort of interaction) 5 new people of the opposite sex a day until you die. Assuming the average lifespan of a person is 75, that gives each of us, about 60 years total to meet said "destiny" person. So, we meet 60*365.25*5, or about 110,000, people who could be our "one" in our life. In the US only, that is even less than a 1/1000th of the population. For the world, assuming 6 billion people, and 3 billion being of the opposite sex, that is less than a 1 in 25000 chance that you would find your "one" at some point in your life.

That kind of implies to me that there is no single person who could be the "one" in almost anyone's life, at least not that they would encounter. What I think is that most people just find someone who meets enough of their criteria, and learns to love, or deal with, the parts of their criteria their "one" doesn't match. Honestly, I think the true sign of hapiness is finding someone who you love for you they are, and who loves you for who you are.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Insignificant Deifaction » Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:59 pm UTC

Unfortunately, there is no Otter option. Reason:

I don't believe there is a 'the One', but I believe you can construct one out of some spare parts and a decent person.

Because chemistry and most everything else is what you make it.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Zug-Zug » Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:19 am UTC

I think the whole idea of "The One" is very circumstantial.
Everybody has to figure it out for themselves if they think they should label their significant other (or crush, or whatever) "The One". I don't think it's a sort of "planned" thing either, not that when you're born you're alloted another person, it's more a Do-It-Yourself sort of thing.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Rippy » Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:24 am UTC

Aperfectring managed to prove, mathematically, that this notion can't be true. He (or she?) ended up with a probability of 1/25000. Now, I think it's safe to say that more than 1/25000th of the population ends up in a long, happy marriage/partnership.

You can draw two conclusions from that: Either there's no such thing as "The One", or all those happy old people are secretly very, very bitter inside.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby shinybaby » Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:38 am UTC

i don't believe there is a 'one' for each person. i believe you meet all sorts of people in your life with whom you can be compatible, and then you seize the opportunity and work at it when you find a combination of compatibility, chemistry, and mutual interest in one person.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Aperfectring » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:12 am UTC

Rippy wrote:Aperfectring managed to prove, mathematically, that this notion can't be true. He (or she?) ended up with a probability of 1/25000. Now, I think it's safe to say that more than 1/25000th of the population ends up in a long, happy marriage/partnership.

You can draw two conclusions from that: Either there's no such thing as "The One", or all those happy old people are secretly very, very bitter inside.

He. And it is important to remember that number is only based on the fact that you will have some sort of interaction with your "one" sometime after puberty.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:23 am UTC

Aperfectring wrote:He. And it is important to remember that number is only based on the fact that you will have some sort of interaction with your "one" sometime after puberty.


Though it is assuming that every person in the world is equally likely to be your "one". Even ignoring destiny and stuff, you would presumably have some interests and other properties common with your one - e.g. speaking the same language, liking the same bands. So that would affect your maths a little...

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Aperfectring » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:40 am UTC

SpitValve wrote:
Aperfectring wrote:He. And it is important to remember that number is only based on the fact that you will have some sort of interaction with your "one" sometime after puberty.


Though it is assuming that every person in the world is equally likely to be your "one". Even ignoring destiny and stuff, you would presumably have some interests and other properties common with your one - e.g. speaking the same language, liking the same bands. So that would affect your maths a little...


Agreed, my maths were meant as a simple guideline. However, if you assume that both people U.S. citizens, then it still only increases the probability to about 1 out of 1000 or so. The idea that there is one "knight in shining armor" or "damsel in distress" for you, the average person, just doesn't make sense (at least to me). Honestly, what is more likely to happen is that you find someone who matches enough of your own personal criteria that the parts which don't match your idea of your "one" don't matter so much anymore.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby aleflamedyud » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:45 am UTC

Besides, I hate damsels in distress. Any woman who so needs me to rescue her is just a gold-digger for getting away from dragons.

Ex: Princesses Peach and Zelda. When was the last time their respective hero got anything for his efforts? Never? Exactly, gold-diggers.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby JayDee » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:46 am UTC

SpitValve wrote:The thing that bothers me is how this concept has snuck into modern Christianity. It has no biblical basis - it comes from Friends and Oprah.

I think it's been around a lot longer than that. The concept of people who are fated to be together is fairly common in mythology, right?
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Aperfectring » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:57 am UTC

JayDee wrote:
SpitValve wrote:The thing that bothers me is how this concept has snuck into modern Christianity. It has no biblical basis - it comes from Friends and Oprah.

I think it's been around a lot longer than that. The concept of people who are fated to be together is fairly common in mythology, right?

Then again, in older times, it was very rare for someone to ever travel very far from where they were born. Also, marriage was generally not for "love" or for the spouse being the "one", that is a fairly new thing. Marriage was usually for gaining lands, wealth, or the ability to create new sons to carry on the family name/business (in the case of craftsmen).
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby SpitValve » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:03 am UTC

Aperfectring wrote:Also, marriage was generally not for "love" or for the spouse being the "one", that is a fairly new thing. Marriage was usually for gaining lands, wealth, or the ability to create new sons to carry on the family name/business (in the case of craftsmen).


This feels like a stereotype to me... can anyone find any sources on romance in the medieval or ancient world? (or anywhere in between)

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby JayDee » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:07 am UTC

My vote was a no. I think the set of people who are right for me is greater than one and somewhat fluid.
Aperfectring wrote:Then again, in older times, it was very rare for someone to ever travel very far from where they were born. Also, marriage was generally not for "love" or for the spouse being the "one", that is a fairly new thing. Marriage was usually for gaining lands, wealth, or the ability to create new sons to carry on the family name/business (in the case of craftsmen).
True. I'm just saying that there are earlier precedents for the idea of 'the one for me' than Oprah. The idea would change over the years as the idea of romance changed over the year.
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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby Aperfectring » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:14 am UTC

SpitValve wrote:This feels like a stereotype to me... can anyone find any sources on romance in the medieval or ancient world? (or anywhere in between)

I am sure there were marriages made for romance in the medieval or ancient world. However, arranged marriages were a very real thing for a good portion of our history, and are still practiced in some parts of the world. Parents would usually pick the spouses for their offspring based on what was best for the family, and usually not based on the child's preferences.
JayDee wrote:True. I'm just saying that there are earlier precedents for the idea of 'the one for me' than Oprah. The idea would change over the years as the idea of romance changed over the year.

Agreed. In the English speaking world, it has been commonplace for quite some time. I don't really know how far back, but my guess is that it has been at least somewhat common for at least a couple hundred years.
Odds are I did well on my probability exam.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby btilly » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:33 am UTC

bluebambue wrote:I heard from somewhere (that probably isn't very reputable) that you, on average, meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with once every 7 years.

I chose no.

The idea of the 7 year itch is very popular, but the only attempt that I know of to research it found that evidence suggested a four year itch instead.

I'm admittedly somewhat skeptical of the theory. But I have no evidence to back my skepticism up...
Some of us exist to find out what can and can't be done.

Others exist to hold the beer.

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Re: Myth of the One (Relationships, not Matrix)

Postby __Kit » Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:16 am UTC

I'm of the belief that there are multiple people out there perfect for me, chances are I won't meet them.
=]


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