My Heart is Like an Over-ripened Peach
©Felstaff, 2004-2008. All wrongs reserved.
"Captain Zangram-Tesh III!" Barked the subservient orderly with a heavy drinking problem, but a heart of gold.
Captain Zangram-Tesh III, also known as simply "Zangram Tesh III" to his closest friends and mother, scratched his manly chiselled jaw with a profound rub. He gritted his perfectly square, white teeth that cost him 20,000 credits to veneer the last time his spaceship - The Starship Empress - docked at the very far reaches of space on a planet that specialised in intergalactic dentistry.
"Orderly" Captain Zangram-Tesh III barked back. "Never bark at me again. I don't care if you are a Class-1 S.P.A.C.E. cadet. How dare you bark at the captain of the Starship Empress, especially as we have been floating in deep space without navigational instruments over the last three trilunar cycles?"
"I'm sorry" the orderly said
"I don't care," Captain Zangram-Tesh III said (dismissively)
"I have a message" orderly said
"What is it?" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said (annoyed)
"A message" orderly said.
"What does the message say?" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said (in a demanding tone)
"I don't know" orderly said.
"Why not?" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said (asking)
"Because I am not authorised to open this holo-note, under the Holo-note Visual Restriction Amendment of 5012AD" orderly said.
"5012AD?" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said. "That was over 25 years ago" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said. He scratched his firm, strong jaw again, before pounding his fist on the table. The crew jumped in alarm.
"Don't jump in alarm" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said, in a strong, booming voice. Captain Zangram-Tesh III's strong booming voice inflicted fear upon his crew, but also imparted tenderness and respect. As a result, Captain Zangram-Tesh III was very highly respected. In a tender way.
"Your heavy drinking problem has become a problem for the crew and therefore safety of this ship and therefore I am banishing you from the Starship Empress" Captain Zangram-Tesh III said (angrily).
The orderly cried like a sissy little girl who'd rather be brushing her pony's lustrous glittered mane, instead of a manly space adventurer with a laser-powered Space pistol.
"Stop crying like a sissy girl!"Captain Zangram-Tesh III said.
The orderly could not stop crying like a sissy little girl. ("What a sissy" a voice said from the Powerflux Ultimator Engine Room.)
Captain Zangram-Tesh III raised his hand, like a giant raising his hand. "Enough" he said (authoritatively). "As captain of this heap of space junk for sixteen years, having fought Zoltrons from the planet Spling, and Worglennes from the Alpha-Russell System, and defeated them 85% of the time moments before the ship was about to explode, I've had enough of this mutiny." He said.
"But crying is not mutiny" bridge commander Ronnie "Fitz" McBanner said, interrupting Captain Zangram-Tesh III, if Captain Zangram-Tesh III had actually continued talking.
"Ronnie "Fitz" McBanner," Captain Zangram-Tesh III said. His eyes narrowed. Ronnie "Fitz" McBanner's eyes also narrowed. They both stared at each other with eyes narrowed. You could literally
cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was more atmos-FEAR than atmos-PHERE.
"Captain Zangram-Tesh III" Ronnie "Fitz" McBanner said, eyes narrowing further still.
Their eyes were narrowing because they had a long standing hatred of each other, ever since they were in Intergalactic Space School together, as under-performing S.P.A.C.E. students. Where they were the best of friends. But then...
...then came that fateful day. When Rosie-May Robinson, the beautiful high-school prom queen 4563AD came between them.
It was a day to remember, all right. Oh yes, it was a day to remember, all right. Oh yes indeed...
To Be Continued...