Things that WILL KILL YOU In Australia

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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Are You Scared?

Yes
16
19%
I wet my pants
5
6%
I wet my pants (for reasons other than fear)
8
9%
No (read: yes, but REAL MEN don't admit fear)
28
33%
I'm An AUSSIE! We Know No Fear
29
34%
 
Total votes: 86

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Postby fjafjan » Mon Feb 26, 2007 6:45 pm UTC

I can agree with that, as fake meats it's like really poor meat.
As tofu it's pretty good.
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Postby Lani » Mon Feb 26, 2007 7:38 pm UTC

Have you ever had ostrich? I had an ostrich burger (found out what it was halfway through), and it was really good. It was like spiced turkey.
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Postby Grincement » Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:05 pm UTC

I had a kangaroo burger...and a buffalo burger.
There's a company near me that sells those...and ostrich burger!
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Postby Belial » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:30 pm UTC

Have you ever had ostrich?


I haven't. Girl's family raises them, though. She says they also make good chili.
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Postby aldimond » Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:26 pm UTC

Belial wrote:
Have you ever had ostrich?


I haven't. Girl's family raises them, though. She says they also make good chili.


My aunt's chef is an ostrich, and he resents the stereotype that all they make is chili and burgers. Chili and burgers, burgers and chili, all day. Have you ever even had dinner with an ostrich!?! Sat down in an ostrich household and experienced the rich tradition of ostrich cuisine? Do you even have one ostrich friend!?!

*hrmph*!
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Postby Belial » Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:29 am UTC

I did, but then he got his head caught in a fence and forcibly decapitated himself trying to pull it out.

(based on a true story from the Ostrich Farm)
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Postby aldimond » Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:41 am UTC

Hm. That doesn't seem like the smartest thing he could have done.

And, sadly, there are probably people that would do the same thing or at least similar things. The difference is that their relatives would sue the farm and the fence company for millions. And that's why humans rule!
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Postby Gordon » Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:45 am UTC

aldimond wrote:Hm. That doesn't seem like the smartest thing he could have done.


Aren't osteriches the things that stick their heads in the sand when they are afraid of something? Or is that just a myth?


Edit: awesome, I found this courtesy of images.google.com
Image
Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby Im_Farking_Aussie » Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:04 pm UTC

Gordon wrote:Aren't osteriches the things that stick their heads in the sand when they are afraid of something? Or is that just a myth?


If you believe that then you need to be shot, what the hell is so scary about Australia, so what you could be attacked by a kangaroo but that very unlikely, you have got more chance of being hit by a bus. So what if the crime rate is a little high in some areas, most fun happens in Aussie land. If you have not been to Australia your missing out on a lot....

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Postby Toeofdoom » Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:15 pm UTC

Im_Farking_Aussie wrote:
Gordon wrote:Aren't osteriches the things that stick their heads in the sand when they are afraid of something? Or is that just a myth?


If you believe that then you need to be shot, what the hell is so scary about Australia, so what you could be attacked by a kangaroo but that very unlikely, you have got more chance of being hit by a bus. So what if the crime rate is a little high in some areas, most fun happens in Aussie land. If you have not been to Australia your missing out on a lot....


If you're an aussie you should be finding this thread funny... but it seems like you really missed the joke. :(
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Postby Roffle » Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:49 pm UTC

I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.

So here's a short list of things that WILL kill you, in Norway.

Image
"Nøkken": Kill count, 2006: 4982

This is a demon that lives in lakes and deep, pitch black pools in the wilderness. Many people, unaware of this sadistically sinister monster, fall prey to it each year, as they foolishly try to bathe in seemingly serene and inviting ponds. If you hear a weird, ululating howl tearing through the forest, then it's already too late, and the next thing you know, you're yanked under, never to be seen again. The police never bothers with dredging or search parties. They know you bought it.

Image
"Fossekall": Kill count, 2006: 27850

There are no proper images of this bird, as it has killed each and every foolish photographer and bird-wathcer attempting to capture it on film. A water-loving bird, it has developed a grousome habit of diving into FLESH, as a result of over-exposure to annoying tourists and nature-documentairists (it's the Norwegian national animal). The only warning you'll ever have is the slight buzzing of whings as it dives straight for your face. Don't bother screaming, you'll just make it easier for it to enter your body. Human hearts are the mainstay of the Fossekall's diet.


Image
"Baby Seal": Kill count, 2006: 3874

Now this is a truly terrifying creature. Having caused the death of many a fisherman, these seemingly poor defenseless creatures lull their victims into a false sense of securtiy, while they wait for the unwary victim to approach. Then, they leap at you with terrific speed, planting their teeth firmly firlmy into the fleshy parts of your genitals, and begin to saw it off with their molars. The most common cause of death for the victims of this potent predators is blood loss or suicide.

Image
"Arctic fox": Kill count, 2006: 78902 (and 3 dogs)

Commonly thought to be an extinct species, this crafty predator hunts in huge packs of up to 200 individuals. Capable of laying waste to an entire village in less than 1 hour, these ferocious carnivoures can strip the flesh off of a fully grown cow quicker than a school of piranhas, and a human much quicker. If you hear the soft and quick pattering of 800 paws, get on your snowmobile and move! It won't make any difference, as they easily outpace even racing snowmobiles, but at least you'll die doing something.

Image
"Brown bear": Kill count, 1800-> 0 (none)

This one is actually totally harmless, and can be petted. Reason? They are all in zoo's. It is very unlikely that you'd encounter one of these in the wild. If you do, don't call 911! Firstly, it doesn't work here, and secondly, the brown bear don' wan' no 5-O on his damn door, ya dig? He be bustin' a claw in yo ass first.

Image
"Wolf": Kill count, 1800 -> 0 (none)

Same as bear, extinct in the wild. Norwegians are such *good* hunters.

Image
"Wolverine": Kill count, lifetime: like, a gazillion (technical term)

This one is scary, though. About the same size as a small dog, it has been known to kill fully grown reindeer (!) simply by latching on to their throats and gnawing through their windpipes. It can do this to a human too, but blissfully, it is so shy it you'd be unlucky to be face to face with one. If you do find yourself doing just that, however, and he's pissed, then you're dead. If you hear a "snikt!" sound, yea, those are the huge frakkin metal blades coming out of his forepaws (everyone knows they have those, duh), then you'd better start running, so he'll be amused enough when he catches you to kill you quick.

This list is not complete and comprehensive, though, and may need some revision, especially in the kill count departement, but for frak's sake! Try to survive until you can reach a tourist information booth, or a small army base, whichever is more convenient, and learn about the dangers of the Norwegian wilds, before you attempt to make it on your own up here. Classes are 500 USD a day, on average, checks and credit cards are accepted payment methods.

And the most important thing to remember, and this may save your life one day, is that AS SOON as you step off the plane, you MUST make sure to... *glances at watch* Oh, crap, I'm late for an appointment. Good luck!

*runs off, ducking and weaving*

(edit: NOTHING WORKS THESE DAYS! Damn the intarblag)
"Error juris semper nocet"

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Postby Gordon » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:51 am UTC

Im_Farking_Aussie wrote:
Gordon wrote:Aren't osteriches the things that stick their heads in the sand when they are afraid of something? Or is that just a myth?


If you believe that then you need to be shot, what the hell is so scary about Australia, so what you could be attacked by a kangaroo but that very unlikely, you have got more chance of being hit by a bus. So what if the crime rate is a little high in some areas, most fun happens in Aussie land. If you have not been to Australia your missing out on a lot....


I just feel honoured he used his one and only post to mention that I should be shot!
Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby Patashu » Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:23 am UTC

Live down in Australia is a constant struggle.

We're still working on inventing electricity; the constant drop bear skirmishes against us make it extremely hard to keep development steady.

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Surprised Nobody's Posted This

Postby gmalivuk » Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:48 am UTC

The Scared Weird Little Guys wrote:Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Taipan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed

Your life's constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Big shark just waiting for you to go swimming
At Bondi Beach

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed


And going back to the Vegemite discussion, I was dissappointed in Oz that I never got a chance to try a witchetty grub. The reason being that I strongly suspect they'd taste better than that used yeast crap. But I wanted proof before I would start going around telling people that.
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Postby Toeofdoom » Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:00 am UTC

Roffle wrote:I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.


You could've atleast amde it slightly plausible :(
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Postby Roffle » Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:12 am UTC

Yes, because I are serious cat. And this are serious post.
"Error juris semper nocet"

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Postby rachel » Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:36 am UTC

Toeofdoom wrote:
Roffle wrote:I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.


You could've atleast amde it slightly plausible :(


I'm not sure about you, but I'm kind of worried about that first one.
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Postby Toeofdoom » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:12 am UTC

rachel wrote:
Toeofdoom wrote:
Roffle wrote:I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.


You could've atleast amde it slightly plausible :(


I'm not sure about you, but I'm kind of worried about that first one.


I"m not the type for swimming in random ponds.

Edit: Also, you need some links that back up atleast some of it, seriously.
Hawknc wrote:Gotta love our political choices here - you can pick the unionised socially conservative party, or the free-market even more socially conservative party. Oh who to vote for…I don't know, I think I'll just flip a coin and hope it explodes and kills me.

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Postby rachel » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:13 am UTC

Toeofdoom wrote:
rachel wrote:
Toeofdoom wrote:
Roffle wrote:I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.


You could've atleast amde it slightly plausible :(


I'm not sure about you, but I'm kind of worried about that first one.


I"m not the type for swimming in random ponds.


Well where's your sense of fun? Also, skinny dipping happens in random ponds. What then, eh? Do you pass?
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Meaux_Pas wrote:So in otherwords, it's like the best cake ever, covered in bees.


j&r-bffl

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Postby Roffle » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:20 am UTC

I agree with the witch, you're no fun at all. And you're gonna have to take my word for all of the information in the post.

I'm super, super serial.
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Postby Toeofdoom » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:27 am UTC

rachel wrote:
Toeofdoom wrote:
rachel wrote:
Toeofdoom wrote:
Roffle wrote:I'm sorry for doing hijacking this thread, but as everyone seems to be focused on how dangerous Australia is, nobody is concerned about the huge number of tourists who die every year, in my own country. Norway.


You could've atleast amde it slightly plausible :(


I'm not sure about you, but I'm kind of worried about that first one.


I"m not the type for swimming in random ponds.


Well where's your sense of fun? Also, skinny dipping happens in random ponds. What then, eh? Do you pass?


In this case there is an extreme logical paradox which generally causes my head to explode. Assuming we ignore that, I would probably have some concerns about the "random" part, although the only way to test for sure would be to put me in that situation.

Generally I'd probably, say, walk past the pond, continue walking, have lunch, walk some more, have another rest, then eventually turn back, assuming no-one did put me in that situation
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Postby AngryRobot » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:10 pm UTC

Hermaj would know of my old car, it was a crystal mint (awful light green) ford falcon 1991 model and it seemed to attract spiders to it, when i got it off my parents i spent a week killing redbacks that had called the bumpers home when i was little a huntsman tormented my little sister on a long trip up the coast and the first time i filled up with petrol a funnel-web spider almost bit me cause it called the fuel flap home (manual fuel flap)

Yay my many close encounters with these deadly creatures, i love spiders, dun like em on me but i am fascinated by em, i am bug patrol in our house!
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Postby German Sausage » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:07 pm UTC

i call that colour dentist green
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Postby Melissa63l » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:34 pm UTC

Ok...but if you die in Australia....


Do you die IN REAL LIFE?
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Postby hyperion » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:40 pm UTC

Melissa63l wrote:Ok...but if you die in Australia....


Do you die IN REAL LIFE?
no, fortunately. that only happens when you die in canadia
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Postby Birdman » Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:44 pm UTC

... and Canadia ain't got nuffink what can kill an Aussie.


With the possible exception of good enunciation.

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Postby Belial » Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:47 pm UTC

I dunno. Grizzly bears are pretty beastly.

I still remember the accounts of Lewis and Clark first encountering one. Obviously not word for word, but it went like

"We saw this bear, and we tried to shoot it, and then it came closer and we realized it was HUGE, and everyone in the expedition shot it over and over for, like, twenty minutes, but it didn't care, just ate five of our guys and wandered off."
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Postby gmalivuk » Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:13 pm UTC

Birdman wrote:... and Canadia ain't got nuffink what can kill an Aussie.


I dunno, I'd like to see an Aussie try dealing with -50 or -60 temperatures... (Centigrade, mind you.)
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Postby parkaboy » Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:47 pm UTC

i thought taipans were rear-fanged...

that doesnt make them any less venomous, but... errrg. now i have to go wiki it. this is going to bug me.

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Postby Miike » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:35 pm UTC

I dunno if it's been mentioned yet, but Bill Bryson's travel book In A Sunburned Country is absolutely hilarious and very, very informative and I'd highly recommend picking it up! The only thing I don't think I saw that I was checking for were sea snakes - a few inches long and moderately poisonous! They won't kill you, but still.

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Postby Miike » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:40 pm UTC

Oh, and riptides. They lost a Prime Minister to those suckers.

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Postby hermaj » Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:41 pm UTC

Ah, Harold Holt. What could have been...

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Postby Patashu » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:15 pm UTC

gmalivuk wrote:
Birdman wrote:... and Canadia ain't got nuffink what can kill an Aussie.


I dunno, I'd like to see an Aussie try dealing with -50 or -60 temperatures... (Centigrade, mind you.)


We've got the sun burning in our veins. We can take it.

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Postby damienthebloody » Fri Mar 23, 2007 11:46 am UTC

gmalivuk wrote:
Birdman wrote:... and Canadia ain't got nuffink what can kill an Aussie.


I dunno, I'd like to see an Aussie try dealing with -50 or -60 temperatures... (Centigrade, mind you.)

been there, done that. it's not so bad. :P
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Postby Gordon » Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:20 pm UTC

Belial wrote:I dunno. Grizzly bears are pretty beastly.

I still remember the accounts of Lewis and Clark first encountering one. Obviously not word for word, but it went like

"We saw this bear, and we tried to shoot it, and then it came closer and we realized it was HUGE, and everyone in the expedition shot it over and over for, like, twenty minutes, but it didn't care, just ate five of our guys and wandered off."


Polar bears are the deadliest type of bear, much worse than grizzlys so just keep that in mind.

If you don't believe me go to Churchill Manitoba
From the article wrote:The polar bear is the largest member of the bear family and is the largest land predator in the world. Big males can be ten feet long and weigh up to 1,500 pounds. They are also very cute and immensely popular animals and are always a big attraction at zoos.

This article makes it sound like they're safe, which I assure you in the wild they are not. Largest land predator + Meat Eater + 2 eyelids = Scarier than Raptors.


Also from another article:
Image
Now THAT is a tour bus.


Edit:
a tremendous sense of smell and can locate seals from as far as 20 miles away even through thick ice

scary.

Single bears are transported to the Polar Bear Jail, a large facility near the airport

funny.
Last edited by Gordon on Fri Mar 23, 2007 1:01 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby Toeofdoom » Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:42 pm UTC

damienthebloody wrote:
gmalivuk wrote:
Birdman wrote:... and Canadia ain't got nuffink what can kill an Aussie.


I dunno, I'd like to see an Aussie try dealing with -50 or -60 temperatures... (Centigrade, mind you.)

been there, done that. it's not so bad. :P


Well, if they're the stupid type of aussie to go there during our summer and dress appropriately for our summer, sure they might have a problem. But the rest of us would get used to it fine. >.>
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Postby Berge » Fri Mar 23, 2007 4:41 pm UTC

Just how prevalent are large spiders in Australia? I mean, large being bigger than 1cm. I can handle snakes just fine, but spiders...

No thank you!
Image

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Postby hyperion » Sat Mar 24, 2007 2:33 am UTC

Berge wrote:Just how prevalent are large spiders in Australia? I mean, large being bigger than 1cm. I can handle snakes just fine, but spiders...

No thank you!
um, they're everywhere. but i only see them maybe once every two months or so. they're mostly harmless.
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Peshmerga wrote:A blow job would probably get you a LOT of cheeseburgers.
But I digress.

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AngryRobot
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Postby AngryRobot » Sat Mar 24, 2007 2:38 am UTC

thats the kinda one that was in my back seat terrorizin my sister and i'v had one drop on my head, very unpleasant. -50 centigrade? is that celcius? all i know of is C and K. i like cold weather, i love it i cant wait til winter cause then i get to wear all my cool jackets and stuff, i dont like hot weather much but i can tolerate it, you have yourself situated in the 40 degree heat in the sun, lying under a car with your head next to the catalytic converter that operates at 600 degrees THAT is uncomfortable.
When in darkness, when in doubt,

Run in circles, scream and shout!

Left, right, left, right, up, A+Y - Group hug combo!

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Messiah
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Postby Messiah » Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:13 am UTC

Ohhhhh boy. As a wildlife biology student, half of the discussion here just makes me laugh. The other half makes me want vegemite....


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