Things that WILL KILL YOU In Australia

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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Are You Scared?

Yes
16
19%
I wet my pants
5
6%
I wet my pants (for reasons other than fear)
8
9%
No (read: yes, but REAL MEN don't admit fear)
28
33%
I'm An AUSSIE! We Know No Fear
29
34%
 
Total votes: 86

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Toeofdoom
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Postby Toeofdoom » Mon Feb 19, 2007 12:13 pm UTC

william wrote:
Squeak wrote:
william wrote:
Squeak wrote:Well them i'm definately not coming to australia, the people are mean and make me feel stupid.

I'll stay in England where we only have to worry about the chav ape...

Chav ape...can't be anywhere near as bad as the Bush chimp...no wait, you're secretly controlled by him too, and you can't even blame it on your own electorate :P


Eeek, what!?!

Tony Blair, Iraq War, etc.


We arent mean :( we just find the way everyone seems to be scared of australia funny, so we make fun of them :P I mean, even the wikipedia article on australia makes it seem like the most dangerous wasteland completely desolate of any food or something.
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Postby Arilakon » Mon Feb 19, 2007 12:47 pm UTC

From the Blue-ringed octopus page:
A male mates with a female by grabbing her mantle, then transferring sperm packets by inserting his hectocotylus into her mantle cavity over and over again. Mating continues until the female has had enough, and in at least one species has to remove the over-enthusiastic male by force. Males will attempt copulation with members of their own species regardless of sex or size, however interactions between males are most often shorter in duration and end with the mounting octopus withdrawing the hectocotylus without packet insertion or struggle.


Haha they aren't so different from us after all!

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Postby AntiScurvyLg » Mon Feb 19, 2007 1:56 pm UTC

A quick correction @ the original post:

Morphine isn't a pain-killer, it just makes you not care about the pain...

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Postby no-genius » Mon Feb 19, 2007 2:00 pm UTC

My leg....
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Postby Grincement » Mon Feb 19, 2007 5:18 pm UTC

william wrote:
Squeak wrote:
william wrote:
Squeak wrote:Well them i'm definately not coming to australia, the people are mean and make me feel stupid.

I'll stay in England where we only have to worry about the chav ape...

Chav ape...can't be anywhere near as bad as the Bush chimp...no wait, you're secretly controlled by him too, and you can't even blame it on your own electorate :P


Eeek, what!?!

Tony Blair, Iraq War, etc.


Oh gawd, now i feel even more dumb...yes it's true my prime minister is George Bush' beehatch :roll:
I thought you were refering to a chimp that lives in the bush (australia)
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Belial
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Postby Belial » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:00 pm UTC

So, in the vein of people believing the drop-bear stuff....

Are the stories about wombats wrecking vehicles true, or just more "australia will kill you" silliness?
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Postby no-genius » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:03 pm UTC

All I remember is from some 'there's a rat ... called rattus' thing in the morning, which is koala bears are evil.
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The Mighty Thesaurus wrote:Why? It does nothing to address dance music's core problem: the fact that it sucks.

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Postby Zach » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:25 pm UTC

The drop bear has nothing on the Chupacabra.

Stay out of Mexico!

Image

Oh, horror.

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Postby no-genius » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:27 pm UTC

Eek!

@Mods: ban this user pls
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The Mighty Thesaurus wrote:Why? It does nothing to address dance music's core problem: the fact that it sucks.

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Postby hermaj » Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:48 pm UTC

Belial wrote:So, in the vein of people believing the drop-bear stuff....

Are the stories about wombats wrecking vehicles true, or just more "australia will kill you" silliness?


They're pretty well true, to the best of my knowledge. Once that wombat starts moving nothing is going to get in its way. It is like a tank! My hairy ex was actually afraid of wombats because a wombat charged at him when he was little. Wombats are cute, but if they want to get somewhere you just keep out of their path. :P

Also, before anyone is all "But surely you must be kidding about the kangaroos...?" - yes, an angry kangaroo will kill you, they can aim a pretty deadly kick to the chest.

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Postby no-genius » Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:50 pm UTC

Aw, hermaj: how am I supposed to be scared of a kangeroo?


"you gots to kill a roo, thats all you have to do"


so, two goldfish are in a wombat...
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The Mighty Thesaurus wrote:Why? It does nothing to address dance music's core problem: the fact that it sucks.

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Postby Hawknc » Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:52 pm UTC

Image

I'm the wombat, bitch!
ImageImageImage

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Postby German Sausage » Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:41 pm UTC

my uncle hit a wombat in his car, and it didn't break the axle or anything, but it left a big fuck-off dent in the front of his car, and walked away.

also, if ever anyone fries to get you to put vegemite behind your ear, its a joke. just so you know.
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Postby thefiddler » Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:53 pm UTC

So, about soliciting tour guides for Australia... are there any nice, I'm-not-going-to-try-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you volunteers for when I finally have the money and the time to visit? :D

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Postby VannA » Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:01 am UTC

Belial wrote:So, in the vein of people believing the drop-bear stuff....

Are the stories about wombats wrecking vehicles true, or just more "australia will kill you" silliness?


Completely true.

You do not want to hit a Big Red or a Wombat with a vehicle.

In most cases the Wombat will tend to die of internal damage..

But I have also personally witnessed a truck sitting on it's side, due to a collision with a Wombat.

I've also seen a hatchback get totalled by a collision with a Big Red.

For reference, a Big Red Kangaroo will weigh in at about 70 Kilos, 1.8 metres tall.. with legs that can propel it around 9 metres in a single leap.

Those legs can also therefore kick a man around the same distance. Yeah.

The Europeans thought Australia had giants, cause of the sound of these bastards leaping through the undergrowth. Trust me, if your camping near some, you'll understand why.
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Postby hermaj » Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:11 am UTC

thefiddler wrote:So, about soliciting tour guides for Australia... are there any nice, I'm-not-going-to-try-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you volunteers for when I finally have the money and the time to visit? :D


I'll be nice to you! Promise. I'm already playing tour guide later this year probably so I will have had practice and everything if you want to come to Sydney. I will even take you to the beach and tell you what not to touch in case it kills you. That is how nice I am.

And yeah, just to back up German Sausage, DO NOT put Vegemite behind your ears. Well... do it if you want, I guess, but totally not recommended.

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Postby thefiddler » Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:55 am UTC

hermaj wrote:
thefiddler wrote:So, about soliciting tour guides for Australia... are there any nice, I'm-not-going-to-try-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you volunteers for when I finally have the money and the time to visit? :D

I'll be nice to you! Promise. I'm already playing tour guide later this year probably so I will have had practice and everything if you want to come to Sydney. I will even take you to the beach and tell you what not to touch in case it kills you. That is how nice I am.

Awesome! Just so you don't think that I've forgotten you when it takes me forever to get the time and money, here is some clarification: it will probably be after I finish college, so probably in four or so years. :(

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Postby Teaspoon » Tue Feb 20, 2007 1:06 am UTC

Yes, the wombat/juggernaut analogy has a certain accuracy and charm.

Kangaroos will mess you right up if you hit them in a normal-size car. They have a tendency to go up on the hood instead of under it, then they lie in the shattered windscreen doing the classic roadkill twitch - in the case of roadkilled kangaroos, roadkill-twitching includes their mighty hind legs disemboweling you raptor-style.

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Postby Gordon » Tue Feb 20, 2007 2:10 am UTC

November baby! Providing I don't spend all my money on gambling and booze before then
Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby Birdman » Sat Feb 24, 2007 6:18 am UTC

Wombats:
Mobile tank-traps, with a top speed (afaik) of 80km/h (50mph).

I've been in a car when we hit one (slowly - it was dark and we were being careful. edit - though clearly not careful enough). The car was messed up but mechanically ok. Driver decided to "put the wombat out of its misery" and hit it in the head with a crowbar. He said it was like hitting a rock with a carpet on it. The wombat didn't notice the blow and scooted off into the bush. We all felt reeeaaally good about that camping trip :(


Kangaroos:
Delicious. Also their hind feet have massive claws of disembowellment.

Eastern Grey kangaroos aren't very scary (but are host to ticks that ARE scary - especially for dog owners). As car-traps they're scary, though not as scary as wombats. I've been walking the dog in Canberra through the pine forests there (before they all burned down - HA!). I heard a freight train rushing towards me and looked up to see a bush explode and turn into a grey furry bundle of face, tail and big claws as the roo my dog was chasing blasted past me. I tried to do my best impression of a tree (bigger than the one it'd just atomised, maybe one with rocks in) and waited for the world to end. The dog was lucky that, in the years we lived there, she never cornered one - otherwise she'd be dead.

Red kangaroos are too scary. Great on postcards and in the distance. Otherwise I back away slooowwly and get in the car. Like something out of Jurrasic Park, but with fewer plants and more sunshine and desert.


Drop bears:
Mythical. A litmus test for tourists: if they turn green they put no effort into researching the country before they came.


Vegimite:
Delicious. An excellent source of Vitamin B. Less is more. Shouldn't be eaten like jam, should be eaten on toast. The chilli comparison was a good one.

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Postby hermaj » Sat Feb 24, 2007 6:26 am UTC

Birdman wrote:Wombats:
Mobile tank-traps, with a top speed (afaik) of 80km/h (50mph).

I've been in a car when we hit one (slowly - it was dark and we were being careful. edit - though clearly not careful enough). The car was messed up but mechanically ok. Driver decided to "put the wombat out of its misery" and hit it in the head with a crowbar. He said it was like hitting a rock with a carpet on it. The wombat didn't notice the blow and scooted off into the bush. We all felt reeeaaally good about that camping trip :(


Yeah, I would venture to say wombats are pretty indestructable. Also you have reminded me that there is some kangaroo meat in my freezer! (Yes, you can buy kangaroo at the supermarket. It tastes... different. :P)

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Postby Gordon » Sat Feb 24, 2007 8:26 am UTC

the bar tender at work tonight has cousins from/in austral-asia so she we were talking about things like drop bears (she'd never heard of them, you big meanies) and kangaROOs and the such. Apparently you don't have things down there like deer or skunks, HOW?!?


Do you have racooons


RACOOOOOOON


I had 2 break into my house once, it's a long story but I'll post it when I'm sober
Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby hermaj » Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:38 am UTC

We have deer! I don't know about in the wild, but there are definitely deer on my campus because I waved to them once. (They did not wave back.)

We do not have racoons, so when I visit you I expect to have one pointed out to me! They sound very cute and strange.

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Postby Owijad » Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:42 am UTC

I have a friend who once had his boxers eaten by a wombat while camping.

Unfortunately for the story, but perhaps fotunately for him, he wasn't wearing them at the time.
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Postby Teaspoon » Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:59 pm UTC

As far as I know we don't have raccoons, but we have a native marsupial that I believe to be the local equivalent. It's called the bandicoot. I consider it to be an equivalent because they're clever, cheeky, messy little bastards that will steal all the food from my grandmother's kitchen if she forgets to lock the dog-door at night.

That was the case when I was about ten years old, anyway - my grandmother's since died, but I would expect that whoever has her house now has a similar problem with bandicoot raids.

Oh, and nobody's mentioned the echidna yet! They are, I suppose like unto your porcupines and hedgehogs. They're small, they're spiked, they eat ants and they can dig holes surprisingly quickly. People occasionally discover them embedded in their lawns as a result of the echidna getting worried by a dog and starting to dig in. There's not a lot a predator can do to an echidna if the only non-subterranean parts are the quills.

I'm starting to think that Australia is like Arrakis. It's a harsh enough place that the locals have evolved to be totally hardcore in a Fremen sort of way.

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Postby Gordon » Sat Feb 24, 2007 1:14 pm UTC

We'll let that slide as an equivalent. The story about the 2 breaking into my hosue was pretty funny, it was pub night (thursday) and I came home to change before going ot the campus bar. Now I was living in the house alone over the summer and we got broken into while I was at work one day (didn't live in exactly a "safe" neighbourhood), anyway I come in the front down and all the lights are off but I hear something banging around in the kitchen. So I'm thinking great we're broken into again and they're still here, so the stairs being right beside the door I go up to my room to grab my bat quick, type on msn to let someone know if I don't come back in a few minutes to call the cops and start heading back downstairs. I get to the bottom of the stairs an my room mate Adam shows up at the front door, so we're standing there hearing something bang around in the kitchen and then he sees some glowing eyes dart past the doorway. So we figure out it's not peoples, work up the courage to reach into the kitchen to turn the light on and the bastards scurry behind the fridge. Some guy ended up coming and lasso'ing (sp?) them out and taking them to the woods or something.. I don't care too much for animals so I didn't ask questions, but apparently they can get pretty freaking vicious.

Also when I went camping once they stole a bunch of my friends food.
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Meaux_Pas wrote:
RealGrouchy wrote:I still remember the time when Gordon left. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming his name.
I do that too, but for an entirely different reason.
RealGrouchy wrote:
Gordon wrote:How long have I been asleep?!
Our daughter is in high school now.

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Postby Birdman » Sat Feb 24, 2007 3:43 pm UTC

Dunno if I'd call bandicoots the equivalent of raccoons. I'd probably go with possums. Thieving nasty fearless diseased bastards. The one possum I've met that I liked (also when I lived in Canberra - tres cold) was the one that would crawl through the roof space and then down into the wall next to my bed. When it was -8 deg C (~17.5 F) the possum made a neat heater.

Also entertaining was when it missed a step and would fall all the way down inside the wall, hitting things on the way down.

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Postby Lani » Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:15 pm UTC

Last night I had this crazy dream that I was kidnapped by dream-aboriginals (who were completely different from actual Australian aboriginals) and taken to Christchurch, which was (in my dream) in Australia. It was pretty barren and rocky but with canyons (and a river too). I was taken to their camp and worshipped as a deity (I think inspired from reading this article). I was forced to put on plays covered in flour (the only form of stage makeup they had).

(It was a weird dream)

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Postby Toeofdoom » Sun Feb 25, 2007 1:54 am UTC

Birdman wrote:Dunno if I'd call bandicoots the equivalent of raccoons. I'd probably go with possums. Thieving nasty fearless diseased bastards. The one possum I've met that I liked (also when I lived in Canberra - tres cold) was the one that would crawl through the roof space and then down into the wall next to my bed. When it was -8 deg C (~17.5 F) the possum made a neat heater.

Also entertaining was when it missed a step and would fall all the way down inside the wall, hitting things on the way down.


I've met possums that break into houses and steal fruit from the fruit bowl. Theyre fuckin' funny to watch.
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Postby fjafjan » Sun Feb 25, 2007 1:58 am UTC

Birdman wrote:Dunno if I'd call bandicoots the equivalent of raccoons. I'd probably go with possums. Thieving nasty fearless diseased bastards. The one possum I've met that I liked (also when I lived in Canberra - tres cold) was the one that would crawl through the roof space and then down into the wall next to my bed. When it was -8 deg C (~17.5 F) the possum made a neat heater.

Also entertaining was when it missed a step and would fall all the way down inside the wall, hitting things on the way down.


Except in real life animals feel pain :P
You have watched too many cartoons and ran into too few walls :D
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Postby hermaj » Sun Feb 25, 2007 7:04 am UTC

Toeofdoom wrote:
Birdman wrote:Dunno if I'd call bandicoots the equivalent of raccoons. I'd probably go with possums. Thieving nasty fearless diseased bastards. The one possum I've met that I liked (also when I lived in Canberra - tres cold) was the one that would crawl through the roof space and then down into the wall next to my bed. When it was -8 deg C (~17.5 F) the possum made a neat heater.

Also entertaining was when it missed a step and would fall all the way down inside the wall, hitting things on the way down.


I've met possums that break into houses and steal fruit from the fruit bowl. Theyre fuckin' funny to watch.


Thirded for possums being the racoon equivalent. A possum bit me once, too. I remembered that today. No matter how close a possum gets to where you're sitting, do not attempt to pat it. :(

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Postby Belial » Sun Feb 25, 2007 11:40 am UTC

Back in my days of wearing altogether impractical and unseasonal clothing (universally black) and associating with a scene that shares a name with certain european barbarians, a possum that I'm *reasonably* certain was rabid rushed me when I was walking home and bit the crap of out my shin.

Luckily, my totally impractical and high-reaching boots caught it. Mean little bastard though.
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They/them

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Postby william » Sun Feb 25, 2007 4:20 pm UTC

Belial wrote:Back in my days of wearing altogether impractical and unseasonal clothing (universally black) and associating with a scene that shares a name with certain european barbarians, a possum that I'm *reasonably* certain was rabid rushed me when I was walking home and bit the crap of out my shin.

Luckily, my totally impractical and high-reaching boots caught it. Mean little bastard though.

Were you a Visigoth or an Ostrogoth?
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Postby Hawknc » Sun Feb 25, 2007 4:43 pm UTC

My money's on baby bat. :P
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Postby Belial » Sun Feb 25, 2007 11:29 pm UTC

Hawk is closer. Though I could totally go in for some raiding and plundering.

Though...baby bat? I guess it's better than Spooky Kid. But not by much.
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They/them

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Postby Xayma » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:42 am UTC

Possums should probably be on that list. Possums are like the kids at school who seem so nice and friendly and then kick the crap out of someone.

Never take on a possum, you will lose, particularly if drunk. When Raptors invade Australia, possums will last much longer than humans and inflict a few casualties upon the Raptor army.

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Postby thefiddler » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:47 am UTC

Maybe we should make some possum allies. :)

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Postby Toeofdoom » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:48 am UTC

Y'know... robo possums would be easier than robo raptors to construct...
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Postby Belial » Mon Feb 26, 2007 1:10 am UTC

Never take on a possum, you will lose, particularly if drunk. When Raptors invade Australia, possums will last much longer than humans and inflict a few casualties upon the Raptor army.


Did I not just get finished telling you that some slightly bulky boots are all the protection you need against the little bastards?

All the raptors would need is to cut holes for their toe-claws.

Or steel sheathes built into the boots. That would be badass.

::runs off to scheme::
addams wrote:A drunk neighbor is better than a sober Belial.


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Toeofdoom
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Postby Toeofdoom » Mon Feb 26, 2007 1:13 am UTC

You dont recall that possums can climb very well, and therefore can jump on people out of trees?
Hawknc wrote:Gotta love our political choices here - you can pick the unionised socially conservative party, or the free-market even more socially conservative party. Oh who to vote for…I don't know, I think I'll just flip a coin and hope it explodes and kills me.

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