OK, some background info. I'm genderqueer. My boyfriend knows this.
I also have a somewhat male body image and want to present as such. My boyfriend doesn't know this.
Of course I should've told him at the same time I came out as genderqueer, which was shortly after we started going out, but I somehow forgot, and then decided to leave it to later because I didn't want him to think I was only saying this in order to weird him out and dump me. He's definitely straight. He said he was ok with me being gq and said he didn't think less of me for it, even though he didn't really understand it. I thought, brilliant! He accepts me!
Until Saturday. Over something that seems so dumb, but really got under my skin.
He was telling me about this episode from The Cleveland Show (which I have never seen, and now have no desire to) in which Cleveland's dad sleeps with a trans woman, finds out about her transsexuality, and there is much vomiting from everyone. I told him that I really wouldn't find that funny at all, but he kept on seeing that 'you have to see it, it's hilarious!' All throughout his speech he put all pronouns referring to woman in question in air quotes. I looked up the episode in question later on, and it's much worse than I thought:
she is portrayed as deceptive, as only transitioning in order to 'give his wife a feminine influence in her life after her mother died,' and all the characters refer to her as he once she is outed and is repeatedly called a tranny. Basically, one big transphobic orgy.
All of which serves to make telling him the full story about my gender identity that much more difficult, because it raises some uncomfortable questions.
Does his liking this show mean that he also thinks trans people are disgusting and deceptive? That they are 'really' the sex they were born as? Is he only ok with me being genderqueer as long as I still look like a cisgendered girl?
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt - after all, he said he didn't completely 'get it', and often people say bigoted things without understanding how or why.
But then it occurred to me; maybe the only reason he accepts me is BECAUSE he doesn't understand, and when I explain the whole thing to him and my wanting a more masculine expression, he'll be all, "Wait, what?" and be disgusted, and who knows what drama might follow.
In short, this one little thing has put me in a very uncomfortable position, and I don't know how to explain this to someone else without sounding petty. And he's the only person I've come out to.