So, what's new.
Writing down here what I feel and what upsets me helped me be able to think about new things. Instead of thinking in circles of yes-no-maybe-whatif-whatifnot (what I did for years) I could think about what to do.
So first after some days I considered going to one of the meetings of the LGBT groups near here, either in Heidelberg or in Mannheim. The idea kind of freaks me out because I am not sure if I am bi, lesbian, asexual, whatever, so what do I say if anybody asks? Also, I am not so sure what they will think of my being married to a man. But well, I don't have to go around telling everybody right from the beginning. (Even though that's strange, too.) Well, it turns out the LGBT groups around here seem to be dying like flies. The websites are not reachable (one link was even still to Geocities), or last updated 2008, or actually sport the text "This group is dead". Then I seemed to have found the perfect group: LGBQ, so if they mention queer, they are hopefully not so limited to clear-cut orientations like LGB. No upper age limit. And not associated directly with the university, actually they specifically mention also being open to young working people (without specifying young). The website says they meet always on the 2nd Thursday. I wrote them an e-mail to check if this is current. Also kind of to force myself to go, because if I write an e-mail to confirm that and then don't show up, how strange. Well, the group stopped at the end of the year. They sent me a reply that they are sorry, but too few people showed up. They changed the website the next day to saying that it's over. This leaves two groups in the area (not counting groups for men), one has an upper age limit of 25, the other is a "coming out group for lesbians" under the lead of a psychological support center. Not quite what I have in mind.
What is alife and kicking is the websites for the gay and lesbian party scene. I have been to uni parties while I was in uni. Number of people I have talked to that I did now know before: 0. It's unlikely that I would manage to go to any party on my own and actually meet somebody.
So now something completely different. I signed up for a dating site. Something I didn't think I would ever do. It's a nice website. For women it's free on the basic and "plus" level and cheaper than for men on the premium level. Best is: They have forums and they have "groups", which are basically user-created forums, for which one needs admission by the group moderator. They have a big group just for bisexual women who are married to or in a permanent relationship with a man and want to date a woman
. This is strange. This me. But it's strange anyway. Why is it not a mixed group with lesbians? It does not specifically state that lesbians are not welcome, they are not mentioned, but the name is "bisexual women only" (the description suggests that they mostly try to keep out the m/f couples, who apparently are constantly hitting on bisexual women on the site). I have joined that group. And two of the four local/area groups for the same topic, as I live right at the border between the South and the West group. There is a lesbian group - that one specifically mentions that bisexual women who are in a relationship with a man should rather join one of the bi groups. Well, it's a dating site. Whatever works. I had been wondering how a lesbian woman would accept a parallel relationship, moreover marriage, to a man, anyway. I mean, in all the information material about bisexuality, it always says: Bi doesn't mean being in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time (and that this is just prejudice). Except sometimes it does :-/ . But being with one man and one woman does not qualify as poly, either, does it?
The sign-up process for the website is a bit weird, one thing to choose (unchangeable) is the gender: heterosexual woman, lesbian woman, transgender. Hey, where is bisexual woman? And how come, if we consider hetero/homo-sexuality as a supposedly unchangeable part of the gender identity as this site seems to do, transwomen are somehow not straight or lesbian?! And there is very much an extra area for choosing "interested in" (options: men, women, couples). Additionally there is a section "bisexual: yes, curious, no". So do I choose heterosexual woman + bi: yes or lesbian woman + bi?? I went for lesbian woman + bi, as I am looking for a woman on the site. Little did I know that if you choose heterosexual woman, this shows up as just "woman" in the profiles, while if you choose lesbian, it shows up as "lesbian woman". Grmpf. (I am thinking of the Chinese "Is a white horse not a horse?" and also about othering now.) Also, one of the first forum postings to come across was by a lesbian (non-bi) woman who complained how women can sign up with lesbian + bi, because lesbian means homo so they can't be bi ... technically correct, but did she forget that the other option was hetero + bi, which is not any more correct, either? Hmpf. Whatever. I think the site is trying to be LGBT-friendly, but has not quite figured it out. I am going to spoiler the next sentence, it may be triggering for transwomen:
Next thing: Clothes. I have a large collection of gray pullovers
. I actually went yesterday and bought some clothes that could be considered moderately sexy. That is: Not like bags. There are basically two reasons I don't have any (well, few, and those I also only bought last year, with the assistance of a friend). One is I never needed to. I have been dating my husband since I was in high school. (I was 20; also the age of consent is 14/16.) I totally didn't feel like wearing such stuff before. And then I had no need to attract someone. The second reason I realized within the last few days: I was afraid I would attract men and they would hit on me. Being attractive for a woman is somehow something completely different.
My husband knows I signed up to the dating site and he went buy the clothes with me
. He commended me for being so brave to sign up. Heh.
Sorry for subjecting you to this stream-of-consciousness posting.