[SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Sungura » Sat Sep 12, 2015 12:07 am UTC

So I identify with a lot of what you've said. I don't fit neatly into boxes, but I'm ok with being gendered female in public. I go with genderqueer or demigirl myself. I'm not really sure of any advice or anything, but I've had to accept/deal with (hard to accept) a lack of friends and people hating me for being outspoken. Which is kinda the hardest part. I feel like I have very few friends. And the ones I have often turn out to be fake.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby eSOANEM » Fri Oct 02, 2015 11:30 pm UTC

CN: fear of rejection, associated gender dysphoria and anxiety

Spoiler:
There's a person who's been at a few events I've been to lately who seems pretty cool and I would possibly like to ask out. This is already a very anxiety-y thing for me, but the issue is that, the first time I met her, people were talking about their sexuality and she was talking about how she's some flavour of bi/pan/queer but is in general attracted to androgyny.

I am non-binary and have sometimes used the word androgyne as an identity and I'm worried that, if I do ask her out and she isn't interested, my brain weasels will decide that this is because I'm not non-binary enough and will hit me with a bunch of dysphoria which adds even more to the anxiety.

Idk, I know on an intellectual level that there are many reasons she might not be interested in me and that it's probably more likely that one of these would be the case, but sadly that doesn't help my anxiety.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 10:42 am UTC

Spoiler to match the previous post:

Spoiler:
Is there an intermediate stage to asking her out? I dunno, maybe something like asking if she'll be at one of the events you've seen her at but in future... not as a date, something you'd go together to, just something you'd both be at, if you get the difference. A chance to see her again, and maybe get to know her a bit better, plus letting her know you'd like to see her again, but without the attendant pressure of "Would you like to go with me"...

Not that I'm any good at asking people out myself. ;-D
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Quercus » Sat Oct 03, 2015 2:53 pm UTC

Spoilered as per above
Spoiler:
Oh man, can I relate to this. *hugs* if you want them. I know that anxiety isn't logical, and doesn't necessarily respond to other people telling you what you know already, but let me say loud and clear that regardless of expression there is really no such thing as "not non-binary enough" (something I need to tell myself a lot too). Furthermore she is very likely to know this too, given that (also from personal experience) bi/pan people often get hit with feelings of not being "queer enough".

One thing which I got told when I was dealing with dating and rejection a while back that was helpful for me was that people in general make decisions based mostly on themselves, not on others (that's not a bad thing by the way - of course people do that and it's entirely healthy). Therefore, if she doesn't want to go out with you then that's very much more likely to be something to do with her - what she is feeling about relationships and her idiosyncratic romantic preferences, than anything to do with you that's in the least bit generalizable.

Maybe, when you ask her out, let a good friend or two know, and arrange for them to be available afterwards, so you've got some support/validation already in place in case it doesn't go as you'd hoped. Perhaps set up whatever activities you find relaxing, anxiety-reducing and/or gender-affirming for then. This also means that, if it does go well, you have some people around to celebrate with.

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby eSOANEM » Thu Jan 28, 2016 1:58 pm UTC

My favourite plaid shirts finally gave up on me. There is much sadness. Kinda to do with this, my gender swung very wildly and strongly towards female. It was quite distressing.

Basically, I was looking for new plaid shirts in the menswear section (where I've always got my clothes from before) and all the plaid shirts seem to have got way too thick. It looks like the womenswear plaid shirts are not so thick and look much more like what I want (and don't all seem to require significant boobage).

The thing is, I am very much not comfortable walking into a shop's womenswear department and looking at and trying on clothes (because I am very likely to be read as male); I also don't know what size I am because "women's" sizing is way more complicated than "men's"v and all the sizing charts I've found seem to be for more boob-requiring items of clothing so I can't even easily work out my size and order online.

I don't know, this then basically made me realise that an awful lot of the way I'd like to dress is pretty similar to lesbian stereotypes and then, from this, my gender seemed to very quickly jump to pretty female.

Anyone have any advice on how to work out my size for flat-chested/"androgynous" plaid shirts from my t-shirt size/chest size (medium and 38" respectively). I'm in the UK if this different across the pond.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:09 pm UTC

Had you been in the US I would have suggested getting shirts from an online store called Bonobos - they're great, have free returns (and no paying on shipping), and pretty much all my buttoned shirts are from them. However it looks like they don't do international shipping.

Maybe you can go to a store that also has an online catalog, try on shirts once or twice, and then you can buy stuff online instead of dealing with it at the store? That's what I did with that store.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:50 pm UTC

Wild-ish guess of in the size 12-14 range? Depending on the shirt, really. Something cut to be closely fitting at that size might end up tight in awkward places; something designed to be worn looser might be fine. Also, vanity-sized high street brands might be fine at that size, but high-fashion stuff made for terribly thin people might offer those sizes and yet not fit.

Online stores should offer no-quibble money-back deals and I seem to remember at least one encouraging people to order (buy) a couple of sizes, try them on (don't remove the tags!) and then return the one(s) that didn't fit. Next or New Look or somewhere? Trying stuff on is really the best way sometimes, even when you already have a good idea of your size, so an online store with a good returns policy sounds like the best option to me...
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby eSOANEM » Thu Jan 28, 2016 4:20 pm UTC

One of my friends (a woman who's clothes are only a bit tight on me) reckons I'm about a 14 at M&S so I may well try them first. They've also got a pretty good returns policy.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Quercus » Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:19 pm UTC

eSOANEM wrote:One of my friends (a woman who's clothes are only a bit tight on me) reckons I'm about a 14 at M&S so I may well try them first. They've also got a pretty good returns policy.


I think that sounds about right. I'm a 14-16 in shirts depending on the brand/how stretchy they are (shoulders are the thing that I have to fit to - with strappy tops I'm a 12-14), and from what I can remember of you one size smaller than me seems right (I went on a shopping trip for a couple of new outfits to coordinate around skirts recently, and found out a lot about sizes then!). One thing I've found is that particular brands tend to be geared around particular body shapes, so if you find one thing that fits you from a brand, then it's likely that lots of other things will fit you from them.

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:35 pm UTC

eSOANEM wrote:I don't know, this then basically made me realise that an awful lot of the way I'd like to dress is pretty similar to lesbian stereotypes and then, from this, my gender seemed to very quickly jump to pretty female.


Apropos of nothing, I thought I would dress this way, until I started getting dysphoria wearing my old clothing. I only just recently bought some new T-shirts in the proper cut, and they look and feel much better than the last time I wore one. It's subtle, but it makes a big difference to me...

I think part of the problem for me is that I don't have the body type to wear the kind of clothes I want to wear - I'm endomorphic, and even having lost a fair bit of weight since starting on HRT, I'm still much too heavy for the kind of sporty clothes I would ideally wear.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:37 pm UTC

On a different topic: for those of you who are / have been on HRT, do you have appetite issues? I am desperately trying to keep myself down to an 1800-calorie-a-day diet (with about a 30%/50%/20% fat/carb/protein ratio), but I'm not having much luck. One thing that my wife has suggested is that, since I'm going through second puberty, my appetite may be higher because I'm "growing". Any idea how much truth there could be to that?
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby NovaNatalia » Tue Feb 02, 2016 1:36 am UTC

I'm MtF, and a little after I started taking cypro I started to develop an eating disorder. Now that I'm (mostly) in remission from that, I seem to be eating healthily and not over-eating.
Otherwise, 1800 kcal isn't exactly a huge amount of food if you're active. I've attached the Australian & New Zealand NHMRC Nutrient Reference Values recommendation for energy intake to this post, but presuming you're about 1.7 metres tall, your basal metabolism is about 6.0 MJ/day, which means you're eating for an activity level of about 1.26: 1.2 is bed rest, and below 1.4 is not compatible with living healthily. So you probably shouldn't worry if you have to eat another megajoule per day (about an additional 240 kcal), you should still lose weight so long as you're doing a decent amount of light exercise (e.g. walking).
Also, carbs don't keep you full for long, which could be another issue for your inability to keep to the diet; make sure you're getting enough fibre with it and try eating more grains (e.g. oat, soy, barley).
I am not a nutritionist, so take my advice in the category of 'someone on the Internet said' and not suitable medical advice.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:19 pm UTC

NovaNatalia wrote:... 1800 kcal isn't exactly a huge amount of food if you're active. I've attached the Australian & New Zealand NHMRC Nutrient Reference Values recommendation for energy intake to this post, but presuming you're about 1.7 metres tall, your basal metabolism is about 6.0 MJ/day, which means you're eating for an activity level of about 1.26: 1.2 is bed rest, and below 1.4 is not compatible with living healthily. So you probably shouldn't worry if you have to eat another megajoule per day (about an additional 240 kcal), you should still lose weight so long as you're doing a decent amount of light exercise (e.g. walking).
Also, carbs don't keep you full for long, which could be another issue for your inability to keep to the diet; make sure you're getting enough fibre with it and try eating more grains (e.g. oat, soy, barley).


I've been to a nutritionist, which has helped me get to where I am, but unfortunately I seem to have hit a wall, probably because of my own stubbornness.

I'm not active, not at all. We don't have a PAL measurement in North America (Canadian myself), but most online calorie calculators use a definition that says if you aren't doing at least 30 minutes of intentional exercise per day, you're "sedentary". I don't know where that would fall on the PAL line.

And before you ask, I know darn well I should exercise, but I have never found anything which actually motivates me to do it - no, not even the spectre of death. My brain is very good at coming up with excuses not to (the current one: the more energy you burn, the more you need to replace, so exercise is not a net caloric loss when I'm trying to lose weight). Hence I'm trying to do this mostly with diet, because that has been easier to pull off than exercise.

I'm 38 years old, so that puts me on a slightly lower BMR (5.7). I don't know if having a MUCH larger BMI makes an impact on this chart (mine is closer to 33 than 22). I'm also diabetic, which causes a few problems with fibre - the best sources are carbs, but sources high in fibre are generally also higher than I can get away with eating. The 50% carb thing is because I'm hard-capped at 225g (15 servings) of carbs a day, and that's HIGHER than I probably should be, but getting away from carbs is hard over here.

I appreciate the suggestions, though, Nova, and that particular chart is not one I've seen before. Very thorough.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Shivahn » Wed Feb 03, 2016 6:21 am UTC

I have a suggestion, but it's for the exercise bit, which I know isn't what you're looking for, but it might be worth sharing.

Spoiler:
I am not sure if this will work as well for exercise, but it does for other stuff: reframing stuff so it's hard to really fail is actually a good motivator. Let me give an example (since this is where it came into my life) that might help? I've been trying to learn to draw lately, and asked a friend for help. One bit of advice he gave me was to practice every day.... but don't set a goal like "practice for thirty minutes," because people largely don't do that, and then it gets later in the day, and they've failed, because thirty minutes is huge and a commitment and effort to do. Instead, he told me to start drawing three times per day. It doesn't matter for how long, just a few minutes is enough.

The trick is that 1) this is so easy (I just have to start drawing! It's not a big thing) and 2) you never actually do a thing for just five minutes. "Draw three times a day" pretty quickly became "draw for forty five minutes a day."

It might be worth just seeing if starting to exercise once a day works for you.

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Wed Feb 24, 2016 7:52 am UTC

I birthed a baby about 24 hours ago :3
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby NovaNatalia » Wed Feb 24, 2016 8:45 am UTC

Good work! =D I understand it isn't really a comfortable experience =P
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Wed Feb 24, 2016 1:50 pm UTC

Monika wrote:I birthed a baby about 24 hours ago :3

A BABY? That is an entire human being! Congrats! I hope it was as stress-free as possible, and that the coming months go easy for you.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby natraj » Wed Feb 24, 2016 5:40 pm UTC

aaa baby! congratulations, and welcome to earth to the teeny newling!
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Deva » Wed Feb 24, 2016 7:00 pm UTC

Congratulations. Did you reflexively welcome them to the fora too?
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Fri Feb 26, 2016 8:26 pm UTC

NovaNatalia wrote:Good work! =D I understand it isn't really a comfortable experience =P

I can confirm that. ^^

Deva wrote:Congratulations. Did you reflexively welcome them to the fora too?

:P
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Tue Mar 08, 2016 4:08 am UTC

!! Congratulations Monica! Also condolences for your sleep schedule.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Tue Mar 08, 2016 12:00 pm UTC

Aaeriele wrote:!! Congratulations Monica! Also condolences for your sleep schedule.

Thanks and thanks :D

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Tue Mar 08, 2016 10:15 pm UTC

Randomly, but my legal change of name documentation finally came back, so I am now legally my new name and not my old one. Huzzah!

Now if only my brain would stop using the old name...

(Gender change is going to be trickier, as in Canada name changes are done in province of residence, but gender marker changes are done in the province of birth, and I no longer live in the province where I was born. And certain documentation is going to have to wait until that's done and my new birth cert is received...)
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby NovaNatalia » Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:25 pm UTC

Congratulations, New Name! =D
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Wed Mar 09, 2016 9:17 am UTC

Indeed, yay New Name!
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Wed Mar 09, 2016 5:31 pm UTC

Hahahaha XD I guess I asked for that by being cagey~
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:58 pm UTC

Yay Cagey!

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:58 am UTC

Congrats on the new name!
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby rath358 » Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:09 pm UTC

[I may have talked about this before; I can't really remember]
So, a few months ago I realized that while I really loved being on E, I'll probably want children eventually. So I started tapering off HRT (with the guidance of a great doctor). And it really sucks. Not like the acute everything is terrible that stopping cold turkey would be, but every reduction sucks a little or moderate amount.

Also, having it hanging over my head is really frustrating. I went down from the full dose in early January and won't be at nothing for another month. And 2-3 months from then until I'm done? Ugh fuck this. Doctor tells me to not look for changes but I can't help it. Feels like my hair is coming in darker, my meager chest is starting to decline, and my emotions in general are blah.

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:17 pm UTC

I haven't had any experience with HRT but from what I hear any change is not fun to deal with.

Spoilered for unsolicited advice:
Spoiler:
I don't know your specific situation, but I've known both MTF and FTM people who had biological children. The MTF one just stopped taking hormones before she actually wanted to have children. It was hard, yes, but it was relatively constrained in time and worked well for her. I believe it was a similar experience for the FTM person I know, though I haven't discussed that with him in as much detail. Also, there's always freezing sperm as an option - get off HRT now, freeze some stuff, get back on it, and when you want to use it, you do an artificial insemination sort of thing, while you stay on your hormones.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Maelstrom. » Sun Mar 27, 2016 7:34 am UTC

A nice story appeared on the front page of the ABC (Australian) News website the other day, about gender fluid kids. I thought it was a nice story :)

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-23/g ... ry/7270260

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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Mon Apr 04, 2016 4:49 pm UTC

As you know I got a baby. I'll work less and earn less. I'll have sufficient money for me and my family, but I can't keep my friends housed, fed, medicated and on hormones anymore. Some of you are poor, but some have money. If those who have excess money could donate some that would be a great relief. I collected the links to fundraisers and Paypal accounts in one post on my tumblr (already some months back, but I edit it when links or situations change): http://greenskyoverme.tumblr.com/post/1 ... ist-if-you
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Tue May 24, 2016 3:02 pm UTC

One week until my next appointment with the psychologist leading my case.
One week until the approximate one year anniversary of my real life test.
One week until I find out if I can be put on the waiting list for SRS.

I'm just a little nervous. :?
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Wed May 25, 2016 4:38 pm UTC

Good luck!
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Wed May 25, 2016 6:08 pm UTC

Yes, good luck! Sorry you have to pull up with RLT bullshit in the first place. :|
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Wed May 25, 2016 7:26 pm UTC

Indeed, good luck! But just... live it, and I'm sure you'll be fine. ;-D
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CelticNot
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby CelticNot » Tue May 31, 2016 2:55 pm UTC

The verdict: I qualify, but there's no budget for at least two years.

I was at least prepared for this possibility, so I'm coping, but man.
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Echo244 » Tue May 31, 2016 3:08 pm UTC

...heck. That's... a long wait, and I worry about that "at least".
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Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Tue May 31, 2016 3:38 pm UTC

That really sucks. I hope at least things get clearer soon, in terms of timing.
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