Secret Admirers

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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ludwig_van
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Secret Admirers

Postby ludwig_van » Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:44 am UTC

After reading the "sadness" thread, I realized that that's not unlike my own situation, wherein I had a crush on one of my best friends for 2 years before telling her about it, including a period where she dated one of my other friends for 9 months. Now, we've been together since February, but I'm going off to school in August, so we only have a small, reality-circumscribed window of time together.

There's actually a question in all this sad-story-sharealoud-- there seem to be an inordinate amount of people with hidden crushes on their best friends that never share them, and, anecdotally, they all seem to be boys. Does this happen to a lot of people? Do most of them seem to be male, or is that just my own bias?

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Postby semicolon » Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:46 am UTC

I tend to tell people upfront if I like them, but I don't put any gravity on it. Usually I joke about it so much that any weirdness attached to it dissolves naturally. If they like me back, we get together. If they don't, we stay friends. It's worked very well for me so far.

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wing
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Postby wing » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:12 am UTC

Yes, a LOT of us do this. More than will ever admit it. It's especially common among type-XKCD personalities. Yes, it's usually guys that do this. The reasoning is actually fairly simple. Societal pressures say that the guy should never hold a crush and should never be an initiator. We're supposed to be "hard." So we keep these feelings to ourselves. After all, we're already risking so much by having a very close female friend.

Another factor that comes into play is our uncertainty about the response. The same personality traits that lead into this scenario also lead to anxiety about losing friends. And what better way to drive a wedge between you and a friend than to reveal romantic feelings that aren't returned.

My observations reveal that these concerns are often unfounded, but are still VERY real in the hearts and minds of the unfortunate men and women that harbor them.

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Postby pollywog » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:13 am UTC

I (original sad-sack) have only ever told one person I even liked them, and it worked out OK. I now wish I had told the girl in the "sadness" thread how I felt, but it's too late now. Most of the people I know who confide in me (very few, and almost all girls) say that they do have a crush on someone, but they usually follow it up. Occasionally by getting the poor fella drunk. So maybe boys are better than girls at hiding their feelings. This is probably true in NZ, where there is huge pressure to act manly, i.e. root anything that moves and not have a steady.
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Postby German Sausage » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:40 am UTC

this isn't what i expected at all. i expected that it would be a 'i think x is pretty' thread.
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Postby IronSpike » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:56 am UTC

What timing, I've recently been getting MySpace messages and emails from a guy I knew in high school. He's never came out and said as much, but there was a definitely "Gosh, I should have dated you!" vibe to the old reminiscences.

Uh... I never had a single date in high school, dude. What the hell kept you?
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Postby Andrew » Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:42 am UTC

This happened to me twice. Once in high school, when it taught me to get over it and just tell people in future, and then once at uni, when there was really no chance of anything ever happening, so I didn't bother to tell her. It could only cause bad things, so I thought it best not to. I can't imagine she didn't work it out on her own anyway; I really am bad at hiding my emotions, or at least I really am good at drinking lager, so it works out the same.

But yeah, I've been on both ends of crushes-on-friends, and it's never worked out badly (though nor has it ever come to anything much).

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Postby Toeofdoom » Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:44 am UTC

I swear Caitlin was in this situation too, so its not all boys...

I'm not in this situation anyway, but whatever.
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Postby Hawknc » Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:46 am UTC

IronSpike wrote:Uh... I never had a single date in high school, dude. What the hell kept you?

I'll take "a paralysing fear of rejection" for $100, Alex.

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peace
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Postby peace » Mon Jul 02, 2007 1:57 pm UTC

I seriously don't think anyone in my school is worth dating. They all are sluts/extremeemememememly stooooopid. So I just keep close friendships with my friends :)
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Postby stuck » Mon Jul 02, 2007 2:17 pm UTC

How many people at your school do you actually know, though?

I think the last time I had a crush on someone (other than my English Lecturer Gail Jones) was back in grade three. That's at least 14 years ago.
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wing
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Postby wing » Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:11 pm UTC

stuck wrote:How many people at your school do you actually know, though?

I think the last time I had a crush on someone (other than my English Lecturer Gail Jones) was back in grade three. That's at least 14 years ago.
Heh, at my school, I knew EVERYONE (not hard when there are only 1200 of you). There was one girl that struck the appropriate balance of easy-on-the-eyes and not-dumb, and not totally freaking full of herself or so religious she breathed fire and brimstone (aka all the chicks in the GT level classes), but alas, she was attached to the mythical football player from the rival school. Best I ever got was a very nice hug-n-grope on graduation night in the staging tunnel under the stage. I mean, she grabbed my ass, that's license, right?

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Postby thefiddler » Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:15 pm UTC

Toeofdoom wrote:I swear Caitlin was in this situation too, so its not all boys...

>.>

Yes, it's true. :oops:

And truthfully, I never will tell this one. He doesn't need to know because I don't like him anymore.

In any case, though, the whole "I like my friends" thing happens to a lot of people. More than will admit it. My problem is that I don't want to ruin the friendship and thus stay silent.

If you want to know whether or not this works, also keep in mind this: I am chronically single.

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misskwiz
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Postby misskwiz » Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:39 pm UTC

I seem to have "secret" crushes on what tends to be at least one person at any given moment.

I don't tend to tell the person not because I'm afraid of ruining the friendship but because they're not the kind of person I'd want to be with.

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Postby RealGrouchy » Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:57 pm UTC

I think the last time someone blathered on about their romantic endeavours on these forums, the other person found the forums, found their posts, and, well, let's just say a lot of us sat back and grabbed a bowl of popcorn.

If you have a "secret" crush, then (the rest of this sentence should be obvious).

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Postby OCR » Mon Jul 02, 2007 5:21 pm UTC

I've found that 95% of "secret" crushes are quite obvious to all parties except the person who is keeping their "secret" a secret. We really aren't that great at hiding our feelings, other people are just generally polite about it.
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Postby ehiunno » Mon Jul 02, 2007 5:27 pm UTC

OCR wrote:I've found that 95% of "secret" crushes are quite obvious to all parties except the person who is keeping their "secret" a secret. We really aren't that great at hiding our feelings, other people are just generally polite about it.


Thats definitely the case with a lot of people. I also find that the person with the crush will often tell their best friend, who will be sworn to secrecy. This 'best friend' will in turn tell everyone they know. Soon, the secret, is hiding the fact that you know your friend's secret. reversal much?

But yeah, used to have thatproblem and the more general one when I was in middle school, maybe early high school. I got out of it after that. Partially because of maturity, partially because I have been in a stable (now over 1.5 year) relationship since 11th grade.

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Postby (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ » Mon Jul 02, 2007 5:32 pm UTC

I tend to imagine that this is more a guy thing than a girl thing, but that might just be because I know a lot of geeky, easily intimidated guys, and also a lot of women who are really self-confident. I know if I feel anything for a guy, I'll tell him. I've had many an occasion where I've found out later that one guy friend or another had feelings for me that he never acted on.
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Postby spacermase » Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:10 pm UTC

I make a point of being as open about it as possible.

So far, it hasn't gotten me any success, but neither did keeping it a secret, and at least now I know quicker.
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Postby wing » Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:19 pm UTC

RealGrouchy wrote:I think the last time someone blathered on about their romantic endeavours on these forums, the other person found the forums, found their posts, and, well, let's just say a lot of us sat back and grabbed a bowl of popcorn.

If you have a "secret" crush, then (the rest of this sentence should be obvious).

- RG>
Every forum seems to have a story like this. In my experience, though, it's usually one idiot being a semi-creative attention whore.

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Alpha Omicron
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Postby Alpha Omicron » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:23 pm UTC

wing wrote:not hard when there are only 1200 of you


Big school. My high school has something like ?500
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Postby Jesse » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:24 pm UTC

I do not think I have ever been in love with someone without telling them so. I never put any pressure on it, it's just like "By the way, I love you, and if I didn't tell you I wouldn't be being honest with you."

The kind of people who would then turn awkward would probably not become my friend in the first place, because I'm quite amorous to my friends, constantly telling them how lovely they are and how much I appreciate them. 'Cause I'm like that.

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Postby athelas » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:27 pm UTC

RealGrouchy wrote:I think the last time someone blathered on about their romantic endeavours on these forums, the other person found the forums, found their posts, and, well, let's just say a lot of us sat back and grabbed a bowl of popcorn.


Link?

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Postby Azrael » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:27 pm UTC

Yes, boys tend to keep their crushes more secret than girls.

Yes, I have 1st hand experience.

No, I really can't, in retrospect, provide a reason why I did so.

---------

But years after the fact we got together to catch up over pints and I told her. We then proceeded to have awful, awful sex.

It sucked ... but it rocked too.

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Postby ArchangelShrike » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:30 pm UTC

One word: Skype. (Or said F/OSS flavor if you have a good app.) Get it, and solve most long distance communication problems with video chat, and it won't be as bad. In-person visits still required.

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Postby Azrael » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:47 pm UTC

ArchangelShrike wrote:One word: Skype. (Or said F/OSS flavor if you have a good app.) Get it, and solve most long distance communication problems with video chat, and it won't be as bad.


Skye can solve bad sexual encounters? :wink:

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Postby ArchangelShrike » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:50 pm UTC

What are webcams for...

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Postby (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:51 pm UTC

Azrael wrote:
ArchangelShrike wrote:One word: Skype. (Or said F/OSS flavor if you have a good app.) Get it, and solve most long distance communication problems with video chat, and it won't be as bad.


Skye can solve bad sexual encounters? :wink:


Only really good sexual encounters with the same people can remedy the really bad sexual encounter stigma.
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Postby qu » Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:03 pm UTC

I keep my crushes way secret all the time (I'm a girl). I don't think I've even explicitly told someone that I was attracted to them unless they had told me first.

Then again, I'm like that with most emotions. They're things that I'd rather analyze for a (long) bit before deciding whether I agree or disagree with them. For instance, sometimes I'll have a strong initial attraction towards someone, but later they'll turn out to be a jerk!

It is super secure and super boring.

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Postby pollywog » Tue Jul 03, 2007 12:24 am UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
wing wrote:not hard when there are only 1200 of you


Big school. My high school has something like ?500


Whoa. My school is small for my area, and it has about 1420. The largest in NZ has either 3000 or 5000 (I can't remember which).
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Postby Vandole » Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:09 am UTC

Yeah, I do this, but it's super obvious I like the girl, so it just ends up being me trying to conquer social anxiety. It's dumb, and doesn't get anywhere. Yet I keep doing this. Sometimes I wonder how many times I could've gotten a yes if I had asked. But then the old pessimism kicks in and tells me "You wouldn't have gotten any, you flabby sack of crap"

I also have a tendency to fall for girls way out of my league, so that tends to increase my anxiety to unsurmountable levels and I just wait around until someone else catches my fancy or I find something I don't like about that girl.
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Postby Peshmerga » Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:15 am UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
wing wrote:not hard when there are only 1200 of you


Big school. My high school has something like ?500


2300+ here
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Postby H.E.L.e.N. » Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:16 am UTC

Throwing it out there:

It is easier to idealize(idolize?) female people than male people.
...

(I've done both.)

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Postby fjafjan » Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:18 am UTC

Yeah I have one right now, though I am not sure I do anymore. I guess I'll find out in two weeks when I'll hopefully meet her again.
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Postby __Kit » Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:38 am UTC

Yeah If you tell anyone it is bound to come around to the other person, it seems to work, though I don't have a girlfriend, ther was a girl I liked and she like me but she had a boyfriend, I tend to like girls that are a couple of years older than me, being the mature guy I am :P I am only 14 so some people - sister - think its a big deal.

Anyway love is frustrating, go into the quotes thread, their is a great one about love someone posted.
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Postby arcticfox.sq » Tue Jul 03, 2007 2:00 am UTC

I just wanted to say that many a girl has fallen for a guy after he told her of his feelings... It just sort of forces us to see them in a different light that we may not have really considered before. So put yourself out there if you think she's worth the risk of rejection.

As for secret crushes, I'm way to obvious and impatient to wait around for a guy to notice me, still too shy to tell them straight off but it's not hard to get your point across in other ways (assuming the guy isn't too stupid and insensitive, in which case he's not my type of guy anyways). So all my past boyfriends (not as many as it sounds like, only 3, but considering I'm only 18 and a semi-geekish person that's not too few either) were a heavy-mutual-flirting type friendship before one of us decided to go for it.

And Kit, 2/3 bfs were younger than me (by like a year), but it didn't make that much of a difference. If you're a mature guy, age doesn't matter (too much).
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Postby Castaway » Tue Jul 03, 2007 3:22 am UTC

It happened to me so I asked her out, and we went out for two years, and then we just broke up. You'll never regret it.
You've just lost twenty dollars and my self respect.

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Postby SecondTalon » Tue Jul 03, 2007 3:52 am UTC

IronSpike wrote:What timing, I've recently been getting MySpace messages and emails from a guy I knew in high school. He's never came out and said as much, but there was a definitely "Gosh, I should have dated you!" vibe to the old reminiscences.

Uh... I never had a single date in high school, dude. What the hell kept you?


The same could be said of the reverse.. assuming you were interested...

But yeah, paralyzing fear of rejection for $100, with fear of mockery as the daily double.

It's rather difficult to say "Whenever I'm around you I'm wracked with pain because you and I are not a couple" without sounding damn creepy.

I probably would have had a better time in High School if I'd actually realized that the last day of my senior year would literally be the last time I'd see pretty much everyone there.

Also, I had about 500 in my high school, give or take a little.
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Postby Barbie » Tue Jul 03, 2007 7:45 am UTC

If you have a "hidden crush" on a friend, just be careful how you approach the situation when you're ready to reveal your feelings. My story from the other side:

My bf of 4 years and I had an abrupt and painful break-up. One specific friend was particularly supportive. He said things like "Where love fails, friendship perseveres". He and I made plans to get together and watch a movie. Before we followed through with those plans, he broke up with his gf of three years (who I'd been friends with for longer than I'd been friends with him). He gave me no reason to believe that his break-up had anything to do with me, so we decided to go through with our movie night. He showed up at my door that night with flowers and asked me if I would like to go out on a date instead. It was a blatant bait and switch. I did not see it coming. He knew I was vulnerable, he knew that I was friends with his ex, and he knew that I wasn't over my ex. The remainder of the story is a series of awkward conversations, verbose e-mails (his doing), and broken freindships.

I don't want to discourage you from pursuing your "hidden crush". BUT: If you purport to be someone's friend, your primary responsibility is to be his or her friend. If you actually care about your friends, you do not take advantage of their vlunerability.

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Postby Kles » Tue Jul 03, 2007 9:08 am UTC

I find it pretty difficult to NOT have crushes on a bunch of random people. How annoying!


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