Music Jokes

It's only cool if no one's heard of it.

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SpitValve
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Music Jokes

Postby SpitValve » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:26 am UTC

How can you tell if drummer's stool is straight? The drool comes out both sides even.

What's the difference between a drummer and drum machine? You only need to punch the information into a drum machine once.

How do you make a drummer slow down? Give him sheet music

How do you make a drummer speed up? Tell him to play straight 4 4 time.

How do you tell if a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

(reformated for readability)
Last edited by SpitValve on Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:36 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby the Cow » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:29 am UTC

I heard these on NPR:

How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in viola case.

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You bounce when you jump on a trampoline.

I haven't anything against violas myself and find it odd that NPR does.
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Postby parkaboy » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:43 am UTC

whats worse than a beginner oboe player?



NOTHING.
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Postby saxmaniac1987 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:44 am UTC

muahahah.

whats the similarity between drummer and philosopher?

they both perceive time as an abstract concept.



whats the definition of a quartertone?

two trombones trying to play the same note.



whats an oboe good for?

lighting a bassoon on fire.



why is bassoon better than oboe?

it burns longer.
"A witty saying proves nothing" - Voltaire

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Postby Ren » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:47 am UTC

Heehee. Viola jokes are sort of a music-world meme. If you will.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Q. How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but they'll have made it themself, and will want to adjust and readjust the filament, make the sides thinner, and clip the tip beforehand.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says "Tuck the frills."
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Postby Alisto » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:53 am UTC

What's the range on an oboe?
About 35 yards with a good arm.

How do you get two sax players to play in tune?
Shoot one.

What do you do with a musician who can't keep time?
Give him two sticks and call him a drummer.

What if he can't drum?
Take one away and call him a conductor.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

/Ren love
Last edited by Alisto on Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:10 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Klye » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:57 am UTC

How do you make a bassoon sound like a french horn?
-Stick your hand up the end of it and play all the wrong notes.
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Postby Teshi » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:04 am UTC

A drum set falls off a cliff.

baDUM TSsschhhh!

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Postby UnidentifiedFlyingCupcake » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:53 am UTC

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
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If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. ~Oscar Wilde

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Postby Alisto » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:53 am UTC

I think UFC is winning the thread so far.
Bad grammar makes me [sic].
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Postby UnidentifiedFlyingCupcake » Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:03 am UTC

Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. [/Dread Pirate Roberts voice] I'm a total band geek, but of course I cannot resist music jokes (particularly since all my best friends and my boyfriend are complete band geeks as well).

Ooh, one more offering: mock-Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players[/list]
Silly things do cease to be silly when they are done by sensible people in an impudent manner. ~Jane Austen, Emma

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. ~Oscar Wilde

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Postby davef » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:45 pm UTC

Gah, I hate missing the start of a cool thread! Ren has posted almost all of my favourite music jokes ( :evil: ). Though I usually use [pedantic Irish spelling]bodhrán[/pedantic Irish spelling], accordion, banjo or bagpipes, depending on the company.


Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him twenty minutes to get the bass player out.

How do you make a jazz musician's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Pizza Delivery sign off the roof.

How many traditional Irish musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirteen. One to change it and twelve to write a lament about the old lightbulb.

Two drummers fall out of a plane and hit the ground at exactly the same time. (Now do a flam on the table. Ok, not the best joke to tell on the interweb....)
Ciúnas, bóthar, cailín, bainne.

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Postby RealGrouchy » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:46 pm UTC

How do you know your girlfriend's a french horn player? She sticks her hand up your butt when she kisses you.

A jazz saxophonist walks into a music store and says "Give me a case of mouthpieces--and one reed."

- RG>
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Postby Sandry » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:23 pm UTC

How do you know there's a soprano at your door?

She can't find they key and she doesn't know when to come in.

The best music joke I ever heard was during my week-long practicum in a middle school when I was majoring in music ed - it was their band, which had FIVE oboe players in it. O_o
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Postby Xial » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:58 pm UTC

Why is the organ the instrument of God? In its playing we know his majesty and in its ending we know his grace.

What is the definition of quatertone? Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of unison? Two soprano saxes playing different quartertones.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw the accordion and it lands right on top of the banjo in the dumpster.

When the kid told his dad, "When I grow up I want to be a musician" his dad responded, "I'm sorry you can't have it both ways."

What do you call a building full of drummers and guitarists? Jail.

Five tenors and a baritone are ice climbing when all of a sudden they fall into a crevice. There they are, dangling above certain death. The rope is not strong enough to hold all of them, so one person must sacrifice himself so the rest can live. The baritone says, "There are so many baritones in this world and so few tenors that I will let go so the rest of you can continue to spread music." So moved by his statement were the tenors, that they gave him a standing ovation.


In the most recent performance by the New York Philharmonic, the group performed Beethoven's 9th. Near the end of the final movement there is a section where the basses don't play for many measures. In fact they don't have a part till the final page of the score. So on the final performance the basses decided that in that part of the song they would sneak out, go to a bar, and get a couple of drinks. So as to know when to come back they tied a string to the second to last page of the conductor's score so that they would be informed when he had turned to the last page. They play through their part and everything is going fine. They sneak out during the dead section and the conductor doesn't notice. However, when the conductor turns to his last page he knows hes got a problem: its the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

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Postby UnidentifiedFlyingCupcake » Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:19 pm UTC

Xial wrote:Five tenors and a baritone are ice climbing when all of a sudden they fall into a crevice. There they are, dangling above certain death. The rope is not strong enough to hold all of them, so one person must sacrifice himself so the rest can live. The baritone says, "There are so many baritones in this world and so few tenors that I will let go so the rest of you can continue to spread music." So moved by his statement were the tenors, that they gave him a standing ovation.

That is hilarious! I haven't heard that one before. *remembers friends who are tenors and laughs again*
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If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. ~Oscar Wilde

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Postby FiddleMath » Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:29 pm UTC

How are a violist's fingers like lightning? They never strike the same place twice.

(y'all already named all the others I knew...)

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Postby Cuton » Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:26 pm UTC

What's the difference between an Orchestra and a Bull?

Contrary to the Bull, the Orchestra has the horns in the back and the ass in the front.

:P

Cuton

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Postby damienthebloody » Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:00 am UTC

What's the difference between a tuba and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a tuba.

How do you make a guitarist shut up?
Put music in front of him.

How do you make a bass player shut up?
Put music in front of the guitarist.
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Postby Melissa63l » Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:55 am UTC

How is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.


How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to say how much better *they* would have done it.


How do trumpet players greet each other?
"Hi, I'm better than you."


What's the difference between a Violin and Viola?
A Viola holds more beer.
A Viola burns longer.
A Violin flies further when you kick it.


(I play the viola, I know *all* the jokes! And, to be fair: )


Why is the viola bigger than the violin?
It's not, it just looks that way because violinists' heads are so big.


Why are viola jokes so short?
So the violinists can remember them.


What's the difference between alto clef and greek?
Some conductors actually read greek.


Orchestra Personnel Standards:

conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
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Postby Alisto » Wed Jun 20, 2007 2:17 am UTC

Sandry wrote:How do you know there's a soprano at your door?

She can't find they key and she doesn't know when to come in.

The best music joke I ever heard was during my week-long practicum in a middle school when I was majoring in music ed - it was their band, which had FIVE oboe players in it. O_o


We have a new thread winner.
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Postby saxmaniac1987 » Wed Jun 20, 2007 2:24 am UTC

Sandry wrote:The best music joke I ever heard was during my week-long practicum in a middle school when I was majoring in music ed - it was their band, which had FIVE oboe players in it. O_o


That's actually really amazing. Props to the elementary schools in that district for actually encouraging double-reeds. The key to a consistently strong high school band program is elementary and middle school groups that set it up.
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Postby DJH47 » Wed Jun 20, 2007 2:36 am UTC

William Shatner.
The above post is declared to be in the public domain unless specified otherwise.

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Postby Xial » Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:23 am UTC

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the light bulb. One to point out that she can't reach that high without a ladder. And one to kick out the ladder from under her feet.

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Postby Alcari » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:20 am UTC

Q: What do you call a clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How many french horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.

Q: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A: An optimist.
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Postby davef » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:32 am UTC

Keep 'em coming, guys - I'm loving it!
Ciúnas, bóthar, cailín, bainne.

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Postby athelas » Wed Jun 20, 2007 4:16 pm UTC

Why couldn't Beethoven find his music teacher?
Because he was Haydn.

Why couldn't the choir sing the Messiah?
They couldn't Handel it.

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Postby Pixel » Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:06 pm UTC

What do you call a drummer who's girlfriend breaks up with him?
Homeless.

What will you never hear a drummer say?
Hey guys, lets play one of my songs.
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Postby bbctol » Wed Jun 20, 2007 7:46 pm UTC

How many professional trombonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None! Professional trombonists can't afford lightbulbs!

I told that one to my trombone teacher. Big, BIG mistake.

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Postby UnidentifiedFlyingCupcake » Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:00 pm UTC

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune sax player. The other two would indicate you're hallucinating.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not really; it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.
Last edited by UnidentifiedFlyingCupcake on Sat Jun 23, 2007 3:59 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
Silly things do cease to be silly when they are done by sensible people in an impudent manner. ~Jane Austen, Emma

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. ~Oscar Wilde

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Postby Xial » Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:49 pm UTC

Why do violinists play with a handkerchief under their chin? Because they don't have a spit valve.

What do you call a high school choir director with a mortgage? Optomistic.

Why do high school choirs always travel to new venues? To confuse would-be assassins.

So this rock band is playing a gig one night. Its going really well and the crowd is digging it. The lead vocalist looks out and sees some talent agents in the back. He thinks, "I am gunna be so famous. I can have any woman I want." The lead guitarist is thinking, "I'll be so rich I can afford a designer drug habit." The drummer thinks, "Ill finally be able to get some sold gold drum sticks." And the bass player is thinking, "G-A-C-D G-A-C-D"

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Postby saxything43 » Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:50 pm UTC

What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don't know either.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

A man finds a genie in a bottle, who'll give him 3 wishes. The man first wishes for plenty of money, which the genie gives him. The man next wishes for peace in the Middle East, but the genie says, "Ugh, those maps, and all the family disagreements, and the charts, don't get me started. Pick another one, you just lost a wish." The man says, "I want my soprano saxophone to play in tune." The genie hastily replies, "Lemme look at those maps again...."

Finally: How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do it, one to say he can do it higher, faster, and with better tonguing.
This post brought you to by the number 42.

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Postby davef » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:09 pm UTC

OOH! OOH! I remembered another one -

What's a singer's favourite scale?

Do, re, me, me, me, me...
Ciúnas, bóthar, cailín, bainne.

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Postby b0b » Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:21 pm UTC

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

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Postby Tchebu » Wed Aug 15, 2007 6:51 pm UTC

What is a classical saxophonist?
Unemployed

A guy walks into a store where they sell musician's brains. So he's walking around looking at the prices and sees
Flutist brain: $70/pound
Pianist brain $95/pound
Bassist brain $400/pound
Suprpised he asks the store owner "Why are the bassist brains so expensive?"
"Are you kidding? You know how many of them you have to kill to actually get a pound?"

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Postby Graham's Number » Wed Aug 15, 2007 11:00 pm UTC

Bob, you just completely beat any joke I have any chance of coming up with, but here it is anyway:

How do you get a flautist down from a tree?
Cut the noose.
And you thought a googolplex was big...

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Postby zeruslord » Thu Aug 16, 2007 7:14 pm UTC

a saxophone player, a tuba player and a trumpet player all die in a horrific accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, st. peter asks them why they should get into heaven.
The saxophonist says "because I made beautiful music and made many people happy."
The Tuba player says "because I was a foundation for others so they could make beautiful music and make many people happy."
The Trumpet player says "Well, first of all, you're in my seat..."

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Postby gulnare » Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:19 am UTC

Bob....




that was awesome.
"...i'm putting in my 2 weeks notice,
as of 2 fucking weeks ago..."

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Postby __Kit » Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:33 am UTC

RealGrouchy wrote:How do you know your girlfriend's a french horn player? She sticks her hand up your butt when she kisses you!
- RG>


Yeah, that's my only music joke...
There are others but lame?

'Why do bands have Bassists? - To translate for the drummer'
=]

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Postby Bakemaster » Fri Aug 17, 2007 12:36 pm UTC

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Image
c0 = 2.13085531 × 1014 smoots per fortnight
"Apparently you can't summon an alternate timeline clone of your inner demon, guys! Remember that." —Noc


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