Music Jokes

It's only cool if no one's heard of it.

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J Spade
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby J Spade » Sat Dec 19, 2009 9:21 pm UTC

How many bassoon players can you fit into a phone booth?

Spoiler:
All of them.

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LongLiveTheDutch
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby LongLiveTheDutch » Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:55 pm UTC

Don't know if this has been posted (tl;dr). Heard it on the radio a while ago.

This was a story that was told.

"One time I almost had my banjo stolen. I left it in the back of my car, and when I got back, the window was smashed. Fearing the worst, I slowly approached. Turns out, someone had put four more in the back!"

"Some people's definition of 'perfect pitch' is the sound a banjo makes being thrown into a pile of accordions."

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podbaydoor
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby podbaydoor » Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:28 am UTC

So a Bflat, Dflat, and F walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."

Then Dflat leaves, and the Bflat and F share an open fifth between them.
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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boring bore
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Re:

Postby boring bore » Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:30 am UTC

From the first page (like your joke, podbaydoor, but prettied up):

b0b wrote:A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
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podbaydoor
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby podbaydoor » Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:54 am UTC

Damn. It's been a while since I've read the whole thread.
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Jar'O'Jam
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Jar'O'Jam » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:56 pm UTC

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby LittleBigSpoon » Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:34 am UTC

There's a string quartet with a first violinist, a second violinist, a cellist and a viola virtuoso. They perform a recital, and at the end of the recital somebody leaves a $100 bill at the back of the concert hall, so they have a race to see who gets it first. Who wins the race?

Spoiler:
The cellist, because the first violin won't go for less than $500, the second violin can't do anything without the first, and there's no such thing as a viola virtuoso.


There's a four-piece rock band with a lead singer, lead guitarist, drummer and bassist. During one of their concert, different things are going through each of their heads: the lead singer is thinking, "Oh, I can't wait, I'm gonna be so famous after tonight! I'm the face of the group!"; the guitarist is thinking, "I'm gonna be so rich! My band's gonna make so much money after this concert!"; the drummer is thinking, "I'm gonna get so many chicks! Women love drummers!"; and the bassist is thinking,
Spoiler:
"A, A, A, A, D, D, D, D, B, B, B, B, E, E, E, E..."

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Ithinkabouttrees
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Ithinkabouttrees » Wed Apr 28, 2010 9:51 pm UTC

What besides Coffee sucks without cream?

GINGER BAKER.
"When all else fails, accept the extraordinary."

Spoiler:
SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDOR, DOBBY DIES, TONKS DIES, LUPIN DIES, SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE, TYLER ISN'T REAL, PLANET OF THE APES WAS REALLY EARTH, JAKE BECOMES ONE OF THEM, BENJAMIN DIES.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby achan1058 » Wed Apr 28, 2010 11:06 pm UTC

I am surprised nobody brought up the Mozart Effect joke yet. (This was not originated by me.)

The Mozart Effect

A new report now says that the "Mozart effect" is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: as it turns out, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted to Harvard some other way. Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders: if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams -- at great length and volume --that he's dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: Child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT: Child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired. Last but not least, the

CAGE EFFECT: Child says absolutely nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. (Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.)

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BurningLed
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby BurningLed » Wed Apr 28, 2010 11:41 pm UTC

Oh, the effect one was wonderful (And I liked 4'33" :( Kidding.)

Here's one I got from the mini-page. One of the worst puns ever, IMO.

Why would you put headphones in the fridge?

Spoiler:
To get cool music!
Axman wrote:Some people blow their cash on watches that they show off to people who think said watches make a person cool. Some people spend a weekend buying everyone fake gifts in a game of make-believe.
I think the latter group is awesome.

Essah
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Essah » Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:13 pm UTC

SpitValve wrote:How can you tell if drummer's stool is straight? The drool comes out both sides even.

What's the difference between a drummer and drum machine? You only need to punch the information into a drum machine once.

How do you make a drummer slow down? Give him sheet music

How do you make a drummer speed up? Tell him to play straight 4 4 time.

How do you tell if a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

(reformated for readability)


Hey im a drummer...I'm Offended.... okay im not, those were pretty funny :D
the 2. last was my favorite...doesnt know when to come in lol

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kpmelomane21
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Re:

Postby kpmelomane21 » Sun Sep 05, 2010 7:46 pm UTC

Melissa63l wrote:Orchestra Personnel Standards:

conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.



Well now here's the description of band personnel (not my own):

Conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to a god

Percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets himself with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with himself

Saxophone Player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself

Clarinet Player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is a god

Bassoon Player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with a god

Flute Player:
barely clears a Quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by a god

Oboe Player:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to a god if special request is approved

Trombone Player:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals

Trumpet Player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's a god.

Horn Player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is a god

Sheikh al-Majaneen
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Re: Re:

Postby Sheikh al-Majaneen » Sun Sep 05, 2010 9:36 pm UTC

kpmelomane21 wrote:Trombone Player:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals

This was my favorite. It's true, really.

fireflysquid
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Re:

Postby fireflysquid » Mon Sep 27, 2010 10:27 pm UTC

the Cow wrote:How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in viola case.


A girl in my Orchestra took my violin and left her viola on the floor. That reinforces the joke.


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