Music Jokes

It's only cool if no one's heard of it.

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Stief
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Postby Stief » Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:10 pm UTC

I once broke my g-string fingering a minor........Stairway to Heaven is a bitch to play...
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Teknobo wrote:Seriously, try flying down the street in Need for Speed while listening to the bicycle theme from Pokémon. It's beyond fantastic.

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Postby vondg » Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:31 pm UTC

Any I know I'm sure have been mentioned I'm sure. Two stories instead.

My music theory teacher told me he wrote some paper on Bach's wife and titled it "To Helen Bach".

Me and a friend formed a rap group for a day named Fifty Cent Sharp. We told punks to quarter step it up to us.

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taggedunion
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Postby taggedunion » Mon Aug 20, 2007 11:27 am UTC

Q. What do you know if you see a dead trombonist and a dead squirrel on the side of the road?
A. There are skid marks by the squirrel.

Q. How do you tune 2 piccolos?
A. Shoot both of them.

Q. How long does it take to tune a viola?
A. No one's tried.

Q. What do you call the drumline sitting in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q. How many tuba players does it take turn a light bulb?
A. One. He holds the light bulb while the room spins around him.

Q. What do you get when you cross a sousaphonist and a goal post?
A. A goal post that can't march.

Q. What's the difference between a trombone and a chain saw?
A. Vibrato.

A reknowned symphony orchestra was going on a 2-week tour of Europe. On the first day, before the performance, the conductor fell gravely ill and had to return home. The organizers were in a panic, wondering where to get another conductor. Then one of the 2nd violists came to them and told him he had conducting experience. The organizers were unsure, but with no other options they reluctantly agreed. The violist turned out to be an excellent conductor and lead the orchestra through to standing ovations in every city.

When they returned back to the States, and with the conductor recovered, the 2nd violist finally returned to his section. His standmate turned to him and asked, "Where have you been for the last 2 weeks?"
Yo tengo un gato en mis pantelones.

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SatAnpu
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Postby SatAnpu » Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:33 am UTC

How do you tune two oboists?

Shoot both of them.

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celine
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Postby celine » Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:58 am UTC

Why are indie boys so terrible at sex?

Because they keep talking about the 7" they don't have.

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scrt_rbt_agnt
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Postby scrt_rbt_agnt » Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:12 pm UTC

celine wrote:Why are indie boys so terrible at sex?

Because they keep talking about the 7" they don't have.


hahahahahaha
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frozendevil
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Postby frozendevil » Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:42 am UTC

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.


What's the difference between Thanksgiving and a Def Leopard Concert?

At Thanksgiving you can have two drumsticks.

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Rippy
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Postby Rippy » Thu Aug 30, 2007 3:23 am UTC

What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.

From last year when I played trumpet in the school band. On the last day I left pages of instrument jokes in the music room.

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lowbrass
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Postby lowbrass » Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:19 am UTC

Some interesting sheet music.

"Like a Dirigible"

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b0b
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Postby b0b » Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:41 pm UTC

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?






You don't have to take off your shoes to jump on a banjo.

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Maseiken
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Postby Maseiken » Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:30 pm UTC

This might have been said already,
Q. How do you keep your Violin from being stolen?
A. Keep it in a Viola case!
Q.What's the difference between a Viola and an Onion?
A.No-one cries when you cut up a Viola!
"GRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOWR!!!!"
(Translation: "Objection!")

Maseiken had the ball at the top of the key...

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Savoy_Truffle
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Postby Savoy_Truffle » Sat Sep 01, 2007 7:55 am UTC

How is an orchestra like a backwards bull?

The ass is in front and the horns are in back.
Lux, Calida, Gravis que Pura velut aurum et canunt angeli moliter modo natum.

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Postby yelly » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:48 am UTC

How do you turn a guitarist into a bass player?
Bash his head into the wall, but not too hard to make sure you don't get a drummer.

How did bass players get to be the stupid ones anyway? I am a bass player myself and so are a few of my friends, and although bass players do tend to be ridiculously laid back I find they are often smarter than guitar players [/unjustified silly generalisation].


lowbrass wrote:Some interesting sheet music.

Just, wow.
Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?

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German Sausage
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Postby German Sausage » Sun Sep 02, 2007 12:15 pm UTC

or someone with composing software - my old school computers could possibly have done this... alas...
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Wolf
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Postby Wolf » Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:39 pm UTC

I only have a few. . .my friend's in band at my HS.

How many flutists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They get their boyfriends to do it.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they prefer to stumble around and bang their shins in the dark.

I think this one was from another thread (not sure who posted it):

How many band geeks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seventy-six. One to screw in the light bulb and seventy-five to walk in lockstep.

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Postby convoybutterfly » Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm UTC

lowbrass wrote:Some interesting sheet music.

"Like a Dirigible"


That made me physically ill just looking at it. :D
Now with more sodium! Sweet Jesus!

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taggedunion
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Postby taggedunion » Mon Sep 03, 2007 6:13 am UTC

RE: Interesting Sheet Music

That kind of sounds like a Libby Larson concert I went to... except the concert was hella awesome and probably the best concert I've ever been to. I even got a pic with her and for her to sign my program!

But yeah, really, that sounds like a typical rehearsal for the concert band. Bleah. ;)
Yo tengo un gato en mis pantelones.

Very Strange Person
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Postby Very Strange Person » Thu Sep 06, 2007 12:33 am UTC

Pixel wrote:
What will you never hear a drummer say?
Hey guys, lets play one of my songs.


This is inaccurate. Drummers will sometimes say this. The correct response is to start looking for another drummer.

A £10 note is dropped on the ground an equal distance from a 1st violinist, a 2nd violinist, and a violist. Who will get to it first?

The 2nd violinist, because the violist hasn't figured out what's happened, and no 1st violinist will go anywhere for just £10.

If you have a question, who should you ask: A drummer who can play in time, a drummer who can't play in time, or a pink elephant?

The drummer who can't play in time, because the other two are figments of your imagination.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. She holds the bulb in place and the world revolves around her.

Was sind die drei Lagen auf die Bratsche? (What are the 3 positions on the viola?)

Erstelage, Notlage, und Niederlage. (First position, emergency, and defeat)
P(X=me)=i5, X~N(m,s2)

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Pesto
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Postby Pesto » Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:48 am UTC

Q: What's better than roses on your piano?

A: Tulips on your organ.

(think about it)

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P.L.I.N.G
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Postby P.L.I.N.G » Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:37 pm UTC

Have you guys heard about the bassist who locked his keys in the car? It took him 2,5 hours to get the drummer out.
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Postby podbaydoor » Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:38 am UTC

What's the difference between a pizza and a musician?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

So the conductor finds a violist after a successful performance, sitting in her chair and in tears. He asks her what's wrong.
"The bassoonist knocked one of my pegs out of tune before the concert!"
"Yes, that was very mean. But, why didn't you just put the string back in tune?"
"He didn't tell me which one!"
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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rxninja
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Postby rxninja » Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:06 am UTC

Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts her clothes on and goes home.

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my one joke...

Postby heidih » Tue Sep 18, 2007 3:04 pm UTC

(a bit similar to Pixel and Very Strange Person but still: )

What's the last thing a drummer says before he quits the band?

Hey, guys, I wrote a song!
thetimetravelersconvention.com

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AltoidAddict
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Postby AltoidAddict » Tue Sep 18, 2007 3:57 pm UTC

What does sfz stand for?




An opportunity for the underappreciated members of the band to finally get a solo.

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Postby ChocloManx » Wed Sep 19, 2007 5:31 am UTC

What did a bass player said to another?

NOTHING, BECAUSE BASS PLAYERS CAN'T SPEAK.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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b0b
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Postby b0b » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:49 pm UTC

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good
money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player:
"All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a
bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player:
"C...G...C...G..."

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b.i.o
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Postby b.i.o » Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:48 pm UTC

Rippy wrote:How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.


Exactly--it stands for most powerful, didn't you know?

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that1dude
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Postby that1dude » Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:59 pm UTC

How do you know you're a bassist?
When your girlfriend would rather sit on your amp than have sex with you.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


A:42

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mrorange
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Postby mrorange » Tue Sep 25, 2007 7:09 am UTC

how many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) two one to hold the light bulb and one to turn his throne
2) just one but he'll go through a whole box before he figures out you cant just push them in
3) "what is it dark in here or something"
4) none the set is about to start we'll just fake it!

im a drummer, with a girlfriend YAY NOT HOMELESS!!

Also, how many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb
5 one too screw in the light bulb and four to stand around making dirty jokes
"heh, screw"

if you know any trombonists this is so true...

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OmegaLord
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby OmegaLord » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:48 pm UTC

I'm personally glad we've had very few clarinet/piano jokes. That's me.

AIR PIANO SOLO!
So what do you guys know about *glances down at sheet* the kingdoms of orgasms
but I just don't see why someone would tape themselves together.
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no-genius
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Re:

Postby no-genius » Fri Oct 05, 2007 12:13 am UTC

that1dude wrote:How do you know you're a bassist?
When your girlfriend would rather sit on your amp than have sex with you.

A-HAHAHAHA!

I guess this also applies to nu-metal guitarists?
I don't sing, I just shout. All. On. One. Note.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby not unreal » Thu Oct 25, 2007 12:53 am UTC

The violin player bragged to his section that he could play 32nd notes.
The rest of the section didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

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Re:

Postby Aleril » Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:08 pm UTC

lowbrass wrote:Some interesting sheet music.

"Like a Dirigible"


Reminds me of Image
Image

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Re:

Postby Flying Betty » Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:18 pm UTC

mrorange wrote:Also, how many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb
5 one too screw in the light bulb and four to stand around making dirty jokes
"heh, screw"

if you know any trombonists this is so true...


Heh, yes it is. And when they start using the word "tromboners" it's time to leave. (Why am I friends with so many trombone players?...)
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mrorange
Something from Reservoir Dogs, perhaps?
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby mrorange » Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:47 am UTC

we just called them boners... the people who played the instrument that is. the boners played the boner in the boner section. yes middle school band was hi-freaking-larious.
Truth be told/If I can be so bold/Your sig did inspire/What here did transpire/So that you would me admire/cause me to aspire/to greater heights/of lyrical plights.
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slashalt
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby slashalt » Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:40 pm UTC

Hehehe, I recognise a lot of these are on the wall of my school music department.


How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but only if it's a bayonet fit.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the guitarist has to show him how first.


I play bass, so I'm allowed to make fun of bass players.

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b.i.o
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby b.i.o » Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:24 pm UTC

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

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mrorange
Something from Reservoir Dogs, perhaps?
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby mrorange » Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:15 pm UTC

what do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
Spoiler:
a tenor.
Truth be told/If I can be so bold/Your sig did inspire/What here did transpire/So that you would me admire/cause me to aspire/to greater heights/of lyrical plights.
-ThorFluff
BomanTheBear wrote: but then i started playing rugby and breakdancing.

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Dibley
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Re:

Postby Dibley » Tue Oct 30, 2007 9:56 pm UTC

parkaboy wrote:whats worse than a beginner oboe player?



NOTHING.


Having spent two years of my education in a household that taught stringed instruments to small children, I can saw with utmost confidence that a beginning violinist is worse. Trying to write an essay/do math in the same room as one is a talent that I labored long and hard to achieve.

No! No!, Now try again from the beginning.

SCREEECH SCRICK SCRACK SCRACK TWINKLE FUCKING TWINKLE!!!

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Ren
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Ren » Tue Oct 30, 2007 10:00 pm UTC

Point: beginning violinists are generally four or five, and so naturally will sound terrible (because they don't know what "right" sounds like, etc.)
Point: Beginning oboists sound horrible no matter how old they are or what other instruments they have played.

Fact of life. Violin is not a particularly challenging instrument if you have reasonably good ears.
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