Music Jokes

It's only cool if no one's heard of it.

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Dibley
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Dibley » Tue Oct 30, 2007 10:27 pm UTC

Older beginning violinists are equally awful, but improve much faster. The problem is that violins have a uniquely penetrating sound that burrows into your skull and strangles your mind, or when used properly, is an instant and lasting eargasm. I will admit that you can do some ungodly things with reed instruments though (I was in an elementary school band. Baritone/Trombonium ftw!)

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby M3GARH0D » Tue Oct 30, 2007 10:30 pm UTC

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
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Re:

Postby rrwoods » Wed Oct 31, 2007 6:03 pm UTC

yelly wrote:Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?
It doesn't. The pyramid of whole notes near the bottom should give it away; there's also various markings that simply don't mean anything, like "spam" and such.

The sad thing is, as little sense as it makes, it comes uncomfortably close to real scores for real "pieces" I've seen and heard.
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Re: Re:

Postby Blatm » Sat Nov 03, 2007 3:12 am UTC

rrwoods wrote:
yelly wrote:Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?
It doesn't. The pyramid of whole notes near the bottom should give it away; there's also various markings that simply don't mean anything, like "spam" and such.

The sad thing is, as little sense as it makes, it comes uncomfortably close to real scores for real "pieces" I've seen and heard.


Pff if you tilt your page 30 degrees, the pyramid of notes makes perfect sense. You stuck up classical musicians can't think outside the box. :P

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Re: Re:

Postby Vitamin_A » Sat Nov 10, 2007 9:23 pm UTC

Blatm wrote:
rrwoods wrote:
yelly wrote:Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?
It doesn't. The pyramid of whole notes near the bottom should give it away; there's also various markings that simply don't mean anything, like "spam" and such.

The sad thing is, as little sense as it makes, it comes uncomfortably close to real scores for real "pieces" I've seen and heard.


Pff if you tilt your page 30 degrees, the pyramid of notes makes perfect sense. You stuck up classical musicians can't think outside the box. :P



But what of lines such as "insert peanuts," or "release the penguins," or my favourite, "remove cattle from stage," what do you make of those?

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Re: Re:

Postby nyeguy » Sat Nov 10, 2007 11:22 pm UTC

Vitamin_A wrote:
Blatm wrote:
rrwoods wrote:
yelly wrote:Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?
It doesn't. The pyramid of whole notes near the bottom should give it away; there's also various markings that simply don't mean anything, like "spam" and such.

The sad thing is, as little sense as it makes, it comes uncomfortably close to real scores for real "pieces" I've seen and heard.


Pff if you tilt your page 30 degrees, the pyramid of notes makes perfect sense. You stuck up classical musicians can't think outside the box. :P



But what of lines such as "insert peanuts," or "release the penguins," or my favourite, "remove cattle from stage," what do you make of those?

I would say the music is meticulously documented to also be a visual show.
Image

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Re: Re:

Postby rrwoods » Mon Nov 12, 2007 2:28 pm UTC

nyeguy wrote:I would say the music is meticulously documented to also be a visual show.
Very possible. Though usually, you see this notation on the conductor's score, and each visual element gets its own staff.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby andyvn22 » Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:25 am UTC

A vocalist was singing some jazz charts at a club for a few nights. The third night she was talking with her pianist: "I'm getting bored of doing the same songs every night. On the last piece tonight, can we spice it up somehow?"

The pianist replied, "Sure, I've got a perfect plan. We'll start in A for the first verse, modulate to Bb minor for the chorus, back to A and into 5/4 for the second verse, then to 7/8 with a few bars of 4 thrown in for the bridge, then into E lydian in 3 for the end."

The singer said, "Wow... that's pretty complicated. I don't think I can do that."

The pianist said, "Well, that's what you did last night..."
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby mrorange » Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:05 am UTC

andyvn22 wrote:A vocalist was singing some jazz charts at a club for a few nights. The third night she was talking with her pianist: "I'm getting bored of doing the same songs every night. On the last piece tonight, can we spice it up somehow?"

The pianist replied, "Sure, I've got a perfect plan. We'll start in A for the first verse, modulate to Bb minor for the chorus, back to A and into 5/4 for the second verse, then to 7/8 with a few bars of 4 thrown in for the bridge, then into E lydian in 3 for the end."

The singer said, "Wow... that's pretty complicated. I don't think I can do that."

The pianist said, "Well, that's what you did last night..."

*giggle* i see what you did there!
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby fox_matt » Mon Dec 03, 2007 9:28 pm UTC

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?

4, one to change it, 3 to say, "is that not a bit high for you dear?"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

4, one to change it, 3 to say, "I could do that if I had got the part"

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby NightStar » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:14 am UTC

I once played a piece of music with my teacher called "Tabletop Duet". You put the sheet music on a table. One person read it normally; the other from the other side, backwards and upside down. I don't think it was overly complex, but it worked and was quite novel.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Africantearoa » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:58 am UTC

Subject: Dear Abby - musician letter

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a musician and travel sometimes. When I come home things are not like they used to be. It's very awkward. The usual signs, her cell phone rings and she steps outside or says call me later. When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with "her friends" but comes home late... getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way home. I never see who brings her home. I once picked up the extension phone while she was on the phone. She got angry and accused me of all kinds of things.

Anyway, I just did not have the courage to come right out and ask her if she was cheating on me.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and "some guy" show up at their gigs. He wanted to borrow my amp, that's when I got the idea to find out for myself. I said, "sure you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it and see if she comes in to the club ... and with whom". He agreed.

Saturday night came. I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view of the club. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp.
It was at that moment, crouching down, when I noticed one of the power tubes was not glowing like the other three.

Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?

Thanks.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Antimatter Spork » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:55 pm UTC

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, 5, 1, 5

(alternatively: none, the pianist can do that with his left hand)

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

What do you call a violist with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

The only thing worse than a clarinet is two clarinets.

A banjo player was driving to a gig and stopped to get gas. He went inside to pay, and realized that he had left his expensive banjo in the back of his car with the door open. He ran back outside, but it was too late: someone had put three more banjos into his car.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

And remember, it's always better to play sharp than out of tune.
Albert Schweitzer wrote:There are two means of refuge from the misery of life — music and cats.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby niteice » Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:03 am UTC

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? 50. One to change the bulb, and 49 to make jokes about tromboners.



A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals.

After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.

Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?"

The native guide replied "Very bad."

"What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst.

The guide answered "When drum stops, very bad--next comes bass solo!"
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Re:

Postby BobMacDhonnchaidh » Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:43 am UTC

lowbrass wrote:Some interesting sheet music.

"Like a Dirigible"


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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Midnight » Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:00 am UTC

How do you kill everyone in a 10 yard radius without using a hand grenade?
Get a beginning bag-pipist.
uhhhh fuck.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Yummy Tree Sap » Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:36 pm UTC

E#UCK THIS TOPIC.

I'm really sorry for that. That is so lame. I need sleep.
Hi, love!

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Re:

Postby arkady » Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:48 am UTC

yelly wrote:Just, wow.
Any very bored serious musician planning on pulling this off, or at least checking if it even makes sense?


It doesn't make sense, but is funny.

"Release the penguins!"
I spent most of my money on fast cars, expensive guitars and women. The rest I just squandered.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Yummy Tree Sap » Tue Dec 11, 2007 5:30 am UTC

Nothing like the 66/66 time signature. My favorite.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby mrorange » Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:22 am UTC

niteice wrote:How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? 50. One to change the bulb, and 49 to make jokes about tromboners.

if you know any bone players, this is so true.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby I, Lounger » Sat Dec 15, 2007 9:13 pm UTC

Yummy Tree Sap wrote:E#UCK THIS TOPIC.

Hahahah, that one caught me completely off guard. I'm so stealing it for an away message or whatever.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Apemeat » Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:40 am UTC

Chinese Democracy


Count two posts about that by me...within a number of minutes, no less.
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Re: Music Jokes

Postby SkaBassist » Fri Dec 28, 2007 9:10 am UTC

Yeah, as for that sheet music, that guy has a few others. For instance:
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007 ... 56-big.htm
And:
http://www.well.com/user/bryan/last.html

These jokes are awesome. As a bassoonist/bassist/guitarist/drummer, they're particularly brutal. Thank god I don't play violin.
If there's any of you who, like me, really dig super-hyper-amazingly low instruments, there's these:
http://www.contrabass.com/pages/maniac.html
There's a link at the bottom to another funny page.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Bingo Little » Sat Dec 29, 2007 9:09 am UTC

What's the difference between a drummer and drum machine? About, ooh, six bars by the end.

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby Blatm » Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:08 am UTC

The avatar of someone on this site:

Image

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Re: Music Jokes

Postby scowdich » Tue Jan 08, 2008 4:32 am UTC

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
Spoiler:
A flat miner.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
Spoiler:
A flat major.

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Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby LittleBigSpoon » Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:46 pm UTC

Title is self-explanatory.

For anyone who plays in an orchestra:

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

How can you tell if a stage is level?
If drool is coming out of both sides of the percussionists' mouths.

This one's a long one:
A man is playing first-chair viola in a small-town orchestra in Wisconsin. He is a fantastic violist, but he feels distraught and held back. Then, one day, he finds a lamp, and discovers that a genie lives inside. The genie offers him three wishes. For his first wish, the violist says, "I wish to be a greater musician!" The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly, the man is first-chair viola for the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. He is overjoyed. He summons the genie once more; "I wish to be a greater musician still!" he says. The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly, he is playing a viola solo in the Sydney Opera House in front of millions of fans. He is absolutely ecstatic at this point. He summons the genie one last time; "I wish to be a greater musician still!" he says, closing his eyes in anticipation. The genie snaps his fingers, and when the man opens his eyes, he's second-chair violin the small-town orchestra in Wisconsin.

What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?
No one cries if you cut up an oboe.

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby thefrenchhornguy » Sat Dec 05, 2009 5:04 pm UTC

My personal favorite:

What do trumpet players use as birth control?
Their personalities!

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby frogman » Sat Dec 05, 2009 5:34 pm UTC

LittleBigSpoon wrote:
This one's a long one:
A man is playing first-chair viola in a small-town orchestra in Wisconsin. He is a fantastic violist, but he feels distraught and held back. Then, one day, he finds a lamp, and discovers that a genie lives inside. The genie offers him three wishes. For his first wish, the violist says, "I wish to be a greater musician!" The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly, the man is first-chair viola for the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. He is overjoyed. He summons the genie once more; "I wish to be a greater musician still!" he says. The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly, he is playing a viola solo in the Sydney Opera House in front of millions of fans. He is absolutely ecstatic at this point. He summons the genie one last time; "I wish to be a greater musician still!" he says, closing his eyes in anticipation. The genie snaps his fingers, and when the man opens his eyes, he's second-chair violin the small-town orchestra in Wisconsin.


That one took me a second. Well played.

I don't know any orchestra/band jokes, but:

How are pirates and sopranos alike?
They both murder the high C's.

What do you call a soprano that can sight-read?
An alto.
yeah yeah yeah

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby LittleBigSpoon » Sat Dec 05, 2009 6:12 pm UTC

First of all, frogman: I enjoy the fact that "Soy un tren" is in your signature.

If you drop a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one hits the ground first?
The violist, because the soprano will have to stop for directions.

Why do tenors spend such a long time outside people's houses?
Because they can never find the key and they never know when to come in.

What makes tenors so uptight?
Their tight underwear?
No, that's what makes them tenors.

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby Ninjew » Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:56 am UTC

What do a violinist and a SCUD missile have in common?
They are both offensive and inaccurate

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone?
1)You can tune a lawnmower, but you can't tune a saxophone
2)The lawnmower cuts grass, the saxophone smokes it

How do you tune two oboes?
You shoot one of them

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby LittleBigSpoon » Sun Dec 06, 2009 3:12 am UTC

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violas playing in unison.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing the viola in the dumpster without touching the rims.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes the same place twice.

How can you tell when the piccolo is out of tune?
If the player's fingers are moving.

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby Dromtry » Sun Dec 06, 2009 5:12 am UTC

How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one of them.
How do you make a piccolo sound good?
Shoot the other one.
~steve

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby boring bore » Sun Dec 06, 2009 6:15 am UTC

I'm gonna shamelessly steal some jokes I heard from someone else specifically to counter LittleBigSpoon's obvious bias.

How many first violinists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler:
16. 1 to screw it in and the other 15 to tell him/her how much better they would have done it.


Why is a viola bigger than a violin?
Spoiler:
There's no size difference. A violin just looks smaller next to the violinist's big head.


Though I have to say, I feel really bad and embarassed for stealing them...
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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby LittleBigSpoon » Mon Dec 07, 2009 4:13 am UTC

boring bore wrote:I'm gonna shamelessly steal some jokes I heard from someone else specifically to counter LittleBigSpoon's obvious bias.

The only thing I have against viola is that it is a hopelessly finicky instrument. In the right hands, it can be an invaluable orchestra component.
Oddly enough, most of the viola jokes I know have also been applied to violins and cellos (I adore the cello, personally).

What's the difference between a seamstress and a piccolo player?

A seamstress tucks up the frills.

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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby Vohu Manah » Mon Dec 07, 2009 4:28 am UTC

What do you call a thousand French Horns at the bottom of the ocean?
Spoiler:
A good start


Ho do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
Spoiler:
Have them stick their hand into the bell and play every note wrong


What is the difference between a conductor and a French Horn?
Spoiler:
Two Measures


What do you call metal cursed by the devil?
Spoiler:
A glockenspiel


What do you get when you cross an instrument and misery?
Spoiler:
A sixth-grade flute player
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Re: Orchestra/Band/General Music Jokes

Postby modularblues » Mon Dec 07, 2009 4:58 am UTC

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Re:

Postby tzvibish » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:22 pm UTC

Bakemaster wrote:What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.


How about when it drops on a child?
A flat minor.
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-Featuring the Comic Strip XKCD!

Thevikingwarrior
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:36 am UTC

Re: Music Jokes

Postby Thevikingwarrior » Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:03 am UTC

I totally had to scroll down all three pages of this. Haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time (Btw, n00b here HOLY SHIT FIRST POST AM I COOL OR DO I JUST SOUND LIKE BOXXY TYPING IN ALL THESE CAPS???).

I'll give you guys my submission ^_^


What has three legs and an asshole on top?
Spoiler:
A drummer



How do you confuse a guitarist?
Spoiler:
Give him sheet music



What do you call a drummer without a drum set?
Spoiler:
Frustrated



What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Spoiler:
Homeless



How many guitarists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Spoiler:
11... one to screw it in and the other ten telling him he did it wrong

TheRealDemeth
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:59 pm UTC

Re: Music Jokes

Postby TheRealDemeth » Fri Dec 18, 2009 4:01 pm UTC

Q: You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure


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