The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Apparently, people like to eat.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Axman » Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:04 pm UTC

Real bolognese:

You will kill a minimum of three animals to make this. Four is better.

1/4lb bacon, finely chopped
1lb* meat a, chopped or ground
1lb* meat b, chopped or ground
1 quart stock c

*More is good, less is soup. Three pounds of meat is doable, four is stretching it.

What makes bolognese different than dumb old tomato sauce is the combination of meat flavors. It's actually fairly slight on the tomato, and you can use many things to enhance the sweetness other than just tomatoes and onions; you can use carrots or anything else that cooks to goo (I've used a half-pound of finely chopped brown mushrooms once, that was greatness). The important thing is blending animals just right. If you can get real lard (unsmoked, uncured bacon) that's better, but bacon's handy and you should always have some anyway.

For the four meat flavors, you got your pork locked in, but sausage is different than bacon. This is one of those dishes ground veal is generally called for, but it's expensive, so ground beef is OK, too. You'll want poultry in it, so either use chicken or turkey stock or if you have a leftover roast chicken, chop that up and use beef or veal stock. Vegetable stock is alright, too, provided you still have a pig, a cow, and a bird already in there. They don't have to be ground meats, although it helps that at least one is, otherwise it'll be a bit soupy. This is a great way to exploit game meats, too.

You'll also need

a large can of whole peeled tomatoes
a can of tomato paste
two onions or one onion and some other vegetable matter, finely chopped
half a bunch of garlic, finely chopped (or half chopped, half sliced)
two tablespoons dried oregano
one tablespoon dried thyme leaves (not powdered)
one teaspoon black pepper
salt to taste
one tablespoon crushed red pepper or one teaspoon cayenne pepper or anything else that makes it burny
fresh herbs to taste (if you're using basil, it goes in at the last minute before serving, otherwise, parsley and oregano go in with the other flavoragens
1c heavy whipping cream

In a big pot, cook the chopped-up bacon until it starts to brown but not crisp. Then add in your vegetables and half of your half-bunch of garlic (the chopped half) and some salt. When the onions start to caramelize and the water's cooked off, add in the other meats, some salt, and cook those until they start to brown.

Then clear some space at the bottom of the pan to fry the herbs in. This makes it nutty and delicious. Don't burn them, you don't want it bitter, just toasted.

Stir in the tomato paste, and using the lid as a strainer, pour all the tomato juice in too. Press down and get all the juice that you can out. Add the stock, too. Then, using a spoon or whatever, mash the tomatoes in the can. Be sure to be mad enthusiastic about this and squirt juice all over the kitchen.

Add the mashed tomatoes, spices, and remainder of the garlic (the sliced half). Simmer until it starts to thicken, stir it and mash up the tomatoes while you're at it, then add the cream. It'll get quite a bit thicker. Adjust the taste; once you pour the cream in it'll probably need more salt than you expect and possibly more hot stuff. Depending on the vegetables used, you may need to thicken it with arrowroot, corn flour, potato starch, or even bread crumbs. You can also use corn starch but you have to add it after it's done simmering or it'll thin out again. (If you're not using corn flour, remember to mix the starch with cold water before adding it to the sauce, otherwise, you'll get rubber lumps in it.)

This is one of those dishes where the principle is lots of meat and not too much tomato. Everything else is variable, although if you don't use lots of thyme and oregano I doubt it'll taste right. Same thing goes for garlic. But I've also put odd spices in, like nutmeg, clove, and anise, all worked great.

And if you have a pasta machine or a rolling pin and patience, here's how you make noodles:

1c flour
1 egg
pinch of salt
some water

Scale it appropriately; I generally read it 1 dough unit per person, but that will make too much. Oh well. Don't make it in batches greater than three units, you can't handle four units.

On the counter make a flour volcano, and pour the salted, beaten egg into the caldera. Fork the flour into it until you can ball it; if it doesn't stick, add water, not more than a teaspoon at a time. You shouldn't need to flour your counter much at all. Pasta dough is done when it's softer than clay but harder than Play-Do.

If you don't have a pasta machine, you can make stuffed pasta real easily. Roll a coin-sized ball into a disk, brush one side with egg, put some cheese or whatever (ricotta with minced basil and parmesean or asiago and a little egg is pretty standard) and twist the top together like a Jolly Rancher, and press into the top of the twist to pinch it together. If this turns out to be a pain, set another disk on top of it and pinch the edges together with a fork. Fresh pasta boils for no more than five minutes, more like three.

Or just layer it out with that filling, altering it with the sauce in layers, maybe even add a layer of sauteed spinach, smother it all with cheese, and bake it. There's a name for that, I think.

Oh, and get friends to enslave help, because doing this by yourself is silly.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:38 pm UTC

Mighty Jalapeno's Dark Meat Superfry
-------------------------------------------------------

There's several steps to this, but in the end it just makes one gigantic bowl of deliciousness. I was inspired by a Jamie Oliver recipe, but I took it new places. New, scary places.

The following meal is quite cost effective, since chicken thighs are cheap, potatoes are cheap, and just about all of the vegetables can be grown in your own garden, taking up barely 1/4 of a decent gardenbox. it easily feeds four people, and can be made to accomodate more quite easily.

Ingredients
----------------
2-3 lbs of chicken thighs (skin on, bone in)
3-4 lbs of potatoes (recommend red potatoes, or Yokon Gold)
1 can anchovies
1 red onion
1 white onion (you can use yellow if you want)
1 bulb garlic
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 jalapeno
1 jar canned tomatoes (4 large, fresh ones will do)
2 cups chopped kale (spinach and chard can be substituted, but kale is way better)
OPTIONAL: 1/2 cup chopped bacon / ham / strong-flavored meat.

Chop potatoes into 1 inch cubes, and boil.

In a very large cast-iron frying pan (or a smaller one, and just do it twice), brown all the chicken skin-side down first to render out the fat. Flip when they get crispy, and cook until thoroughly browned. Remove chicken from the pan, but keep the grease.

Chop up the onions and cook down in the chicken fat on medium heat for 5 minutes, or until they start to brown.

In a separate smaller pan, place kale, 4 chopped cloves of garlic, and optional bacon/ham in a pan on medium heat. Cover, and let sit for 3 minutes until thoroughly moist and cooked. Place anchovies on top of kale, reduce to low heat, and recover.

Add red, green and jalapeno peppers and 3-4 cloves chopped garlic to onions. Stir and simmer for 3 minutes, then add tomatoes (crushed or skinned, if fresh).

While all pots and pans simmer, pop bones out of chicken thighs (should be easy if cooked properly) and chop each thigh into four chicken-finger-like sections. Skin side should be crispy.

Place cooked and strained potatoes into very large oven-safe pot. To it, add cooked-down aromatics, chopped kale-anchovy mixture, and chopped chicken thighs. Mix briefly but throughly. Cover, and place in the oven on 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Remove from heat and serve!

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Quadropus » Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:56 am UTC

I know this sub-forum is for food, but I have a drink recipe for skittles vodka. Rather tasty stuff, I thought I might as well write it down in a format usable to others so here it be!


Skittle Vodka recipe
You will need:
Skittles
Vodka
Small containers for sorting the skittles x 5
Plastic bottles for mixing the skittles and vodka x 5
Funnel x2
Measuring Jug
Weighing scales
Coffee filters/paper towels
Kettle (optional)
Large water tight container e.g. sink (optional)

1. First, sort all the skittles into different small containers depending on their colour. You could just make one big batch of all the flavours but it would turn a fairy horrible colour and wouldn't be as tasty in the end.

2. Weigh your different colour batches of skittles. Each skittle weighs around 1 gram. You don't need to be too precise here as the difference a few skittles will make is minimal.

3. Select your vodka. I used Absolut as it was what I had at home at the time, though if you were buying it, I would avoid the cheapest store-brand vodka as that stuff is nasty no matter how much sugar you bloat it with. Though again, don't go for the most expensive brand.

4. Measure out the correct volume of vodka to match the weight of the skittles. The ratio I use is 0.00295 liters of vodka for every gram of skittles. So just multiply this amount up for however many skittles you want to use. Of course, you could work backwards and chose your amount of vodka first then get the correct weight of skittles, though as it is pretty much pot luck as to how many of one colour you get in a bag of skittles I do it depending on skittle weight.

5. Use one of the funnels to pour the vodka into one of the plastic bottles.

6. Use another funnel to add the skittles. You can of course not use a funnel, but I found it easier and less messy.

7. Close up the bottle and give it a good shake until the skittles have lost their outer colour and are just white. Make sure the lid is on tightly so you don't spray vodka and skittles all around your kitchen.

This is where this method differs from others. Mine is for impatient people who can't be bothered to leave the bottles over night for all the skittles to dissolve.

8. Fill up your kettle with tap water and set it to boil.

9. Place your plastic bottles with the vodka and skittle mixture in your water tight container - I just used the sink.

IMPORTANT! Before you pour boiling water onto the bottles, open them and squeeze some of the air out. This is because (as we should all know from high school physics/chemistry) hot air expands, liquid may also evaporate which has a much greater volume than liquid.
If you ignore this, your make end up with a big mess and possibly hurt as hot vodka could spray around.
Squeeze more air out of the bottle than you think is necessary (better safe than sorry).


10. When the water has boiled, pour it onto the bottles so they are covered.

11. Take the bottles out every 10 minutes or so and give them a small shake. Soon you will see the white remains of the skittles disappearing as they dissolve into the vodka.
This is how much faster this method is than leaving the bottles over night. This is ideal if you are going to a party in the evening and don't have a night to wait.

12. When all the skittles have dissolved, place a coffee filter into a funnel and place this over a jug or other liquid container.

13. Pour the contents of the plastic bottle into the filter. This is to get rid of the white frothy stuff that would have accumulated at the top of the liquid as the skittles dissolve.

14. If there is still some white froth filter again.

15. Now you should be left with some delicious skittle vodka. It is very sweet so doesn't need mixing with anything too sugary.

Mixers:
- I found that lemonade was good as it just diluted the vodka a bit without being too sugary.
- Served on ice is quite pleasant I found.
- There is really an infinite way to drink this as everyone have different tastes.

Enjoy, and drink responsibly!


Note: I do not take and liability for anything that goes wrong during this process, please heed my warnings about the expanding bottles and be careful with the boiling water, I managed to burn myself with it.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Alpha Omicron » Wed Sep 02, 2009 9:28 pm UTC

Quadropus: I want to do that with orange tic-tacs.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby LinuxPenguin » Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:16 am UTC

LinuxPenguin's Quick & Dirty Nachos from Beyond the Spice-Horizon

Start off w/ Old El Paso taco seasoning & meat. Prepare as directed.

(optionally freeze cooked & prepared meat for later use... It reheats well, and freezing & reheating will enhance spiciness. If frozen, defrost then heat in a pan, over a low flame)

Stir one to two tablespoons Arriba! brand HOT Fire Roasted Mexican Red Salsa (pictured below). Place in bowl, layering chips with meat and liberal helpings of shredded cheese of choice. Microwave just long enough to melt the cheese into gooey submission. Top with thinly sliced habanero peppers, and diced onion. Serve.

Warning... this stuff is überhot. That salsa (the HOT variety, at least) can fricking peel paint. This dish is not for the feint of heart, the very pregnant, or anyone who doesn't like killing a few taste buds. You've been warned.


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(Medium is pictured, i recommend the HOT, personally)
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby mieulium » Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:00 am UTC

So.... I have two recipes.

Banana Spring Rolls

Need ripe bananas, normal or those cooking types
Spring Roll sheets

So just cut the bananas into pieces and roll them with the spring roll skin.
Then fry the spring rolls. But please remember to keep the skins moist or you would have a bunch of ruin skins that you cant use.

Serve with honey or eat it as it is.


Chicken Alfredo
serves 4

400g Fettucine
Peas, carrots, corn (Those that come in a bag in the freezer)
1 cup of thickened cream
stick of salted butter
Parmesan cheese, grated
Boiled/steamed chicken breasts (or you could cheat by getting 1/2 chicken from the rotisserie)

Start by shredding the chicken.
Boil the vegetable mix and drain the water.
Boil the fettucine and drain water.
Heat up the butter in a non-stick pan and then add the thickened cream.
Whisk the mixture till it boils.
Arrange in the plate a layer of parmesan and pour in the sauce.
Let the parmesan and sauce set for a while then add in the fettucine. Mix.
Then add in the shredded chicken and the vegetables.

Serve immediately
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby crowey » Sat Sep 12, 2009 1:02 am UTC

Tasty roast duck:

a duck
a bunch of spring onions
4 tablespoons honey
8 tablespoons oyster sauce
1 red chilli
handful of basil
handful of corriander
4 garlic cloves
3 bay leaves

wash the duck, take out any innards and pat it dry.
chop up everything and shove it in the body cavity. Place the duck on a rack over a roasting tray, pour a pint of boiling water into the tray, then cover it over with foil (make sure you make it pretty well sealed).
roast at 225C for an hour.
Take it out of the oven, remove the foil and press the skin gently with the back of a spoon being careful not to tear it. let the fat drain into the liquid below, then pour all the liquid off (keep the fat for making roast potatoes and the liquor for making gravy or soup).
Mix the oyster sauce and honey and brush it all over the duck. Put it back on the rack and into the oven for another 40 minutes, taking it out every 10 minutes or so to re-apply the sauce and to turn it over.
be careful not to let the skin burn. If the duck is especially large you might need to cook it for longer

this is excellent just as a roast dinner. Or shred it up and serve with plum sauce and pancakes.
:)

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby pavja2 » Mon Oct 05, 2009 9:42 pm UTC

Who recognizes this recipe?

Code: Select all

    Ingredients.
    72 g haricot beans
    101 eggs
    108 g lard
    111 cups oil
    32 zucchinis
    119 ml water
    114 g red salmon
    100 g dijon mustard
    33 potatoes

    Method.
    Put potatoes into the mixing bowl. Put dijon mustard into the mixing bowl. Put lard into the mixing bowl. Put red salmon into the mixing bowl. Put oil into the mixing bowl. Put water into the mixing bowl. Put zucchinis into the mixing bowl. Put oil into the mixing bowl. Put lard into the mixing bowl. Put lard into the mixing bowl. Put eggs into the mixing bowl. Put haricot beans into the mixing bowl. Liquefy contents of the mixing bowl. Pour contents of the mixing bowl into the baking dish.

    Serves 1.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Alpha Omicron » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:06 pm UTC

pavja2: It looks like one of those amusing automatically generated "recipes" that folks were lawling about it some other thread a while ago.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Nath » Tue Oct 06, 2009 12:27 am UTC

It looked familiar, but I confess that I had to Google it to refresh my memory.
Spoiler:
I wonder if it's Turing-complete.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby pavja2 » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:42 pm UTC

Well, I always like "Hello world" stew...

For those of you too lazy to google...here is the answer:
Spoiler:
Its a "Hello World!" program in chef

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby arkady » Mon Oct 12, 2009 2:35 pm UTC

Fried potatoes

You will need:

A hand sized potato per person
Rosemary
Olive oil. Plenty
Garlic - one clove


Leave the skin on the potatoes. Halve them and boil for about 15 minutes, or until a knife passes easily through.
After about 10 minutes, heat olive oil in a pan. The layer of olive oil should be able to flow around the pan.
Crush the clove of garlic.
One the potatoes are ready to be taken out, add the garlic to the frying pan.
Remove the potatoes and slice them.
Place them in the pan. Keep them moving slowly so the get an even heat. Sprinkle a pinch of rosemary on top of them, and pour some more olive oil on.
After about 4-5 minutes, the bottom of each slice should be golden brown and slightly crispy. Turn the potatoes over and add another pinch of rosemary.
After another 4-5 minutes the whole slice should be golden brown. Remove them and serve.

Serving suggestion: place potatoes under a low heat (120 C) while you make bacon in the pan you've just used.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby TheSkyMovesSideways » Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:46 am UTC

Here's a quick culinary experiment I tried on the weekend which worked out rather well (in that it was fast and delicious).

Ingredients:
Lamb steaks or cutlets
Thai red curry paste
1 lime
Appropriate cooking oil for high temperatures (I recommend extra light olive oil)

Method:
Mix 1 part oil with 2 parts curry paste, and rub onto lamb. Cook lamb as desired using a pan, grill (American usage, not Australian), barbeque (Australian usage, not American), etc. Once cooked, squeeze lime juice over it.

Serve with vegetables if you don't want scurvy.
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Re:

Postby Sereue » Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:18 pm UTC

fynch wrote:

Code: Select all

Ingredients
1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/øF/ft2/hr, add ingredients one, two and
three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel (reactor #2) with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five six and seven until the
mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten
slowly, with constant agitation.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460øK oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &
Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden
brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25øC heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


This is what I thought of when I saw xkcd cookbook.


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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Alpha Omicron » Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:04 pm UTC

Use for leftover mashed potatoes:

Cream together leftover mashed potatoes, cooked ham (or Klik, etc.), sour cream, margarine (or butter), and egg yolk. Spread in casserole dish and bake for about 30 minutes at 180 C. You'll have to work out the proportions yourself, and adjust the baking time if you're making a lot.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby aleflamedyud » Wed Dec 16, 2009 6:40 am UTC

And here's a dish I've made twice for my family. The first time I made the "mild" variety with beef and they loved it. The second time I made the "hot" variety with harif and they thought I was such a jerk for making food only I could stand eating. Technically I think the geek community will find themselves able to withstand possibly even extra-hot varieties with more harif in them, but that relies on having harif or some other hot-pepper relish (very hot salsas could possibly work). A friend of mine made this for a small group the evening before I had to fly, so she gets the real credit.

Flame Salad until I find a better name wrote:RECIPE: Flame Salad

SOURCE: Sarah XYZW from Los Angeles
MAKES: 1 pot

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb ground beef, Acceptable to substitute ground turkey
1/3 eggplant, diced
1 handful sweet peppers, sliced and/or diced, use a large handful
2 cloves garlic, diced or crushed
1 stalk broccoli, cut into small, spoon-sized florettes (optional)
1/3 onion, diced (optional)
1 teasp paprika
1 teasp cumin
1 teasp ground coriander seed (optional)
2 chili peppers, habaneros, jalepenos, any spicy pepper works (optional, do not add with harif)
1 tbsp harif sauce (optional, will piss off people who don't like spicy food)
1/2 cup soy sauce
olive oil
1 pinch salt

METHOD:

1. Coat the bottom of a medium-sized saucepot in olive oil. Put pot on medium heat and heat the oil to a cooking/frying heat.
2. Add the garlic, onions, and broccoli (and any other vegetables that need to cook thoroughly). Begin to stir-fry in pot.
3. Add sweet peppers, eggplant, and chili peppers. Sprinkle half of spices over stir-frying vegetables.
4. Once the vegetables have mostly stir-fried, add the ground meat, the soy sauce, the harif, and the other half of the spices. Stir the meat to separate it into its smaller grains and mix it with the vegetables.
5. Stirring to ensure even cooking and imbue flavor, allow meat and vegetables to cook together. Occasionally allow to cook still until liquids simmer.
6. Once meat is thoroughly cooked, remove from heat and serve. If liquids are kept in pot instead of drained, flavors will become more intense over time.

Can be served alone as a main dish or side dish, served over pasta or rice, or in a pocket/wrap bread with hummus.

So far, can be made at three different spice levels: 1 chili pepper (mild), 2 chili peppers (medium), and tablespoon of harif (hot). Further "extra-hot", "jet-fuel" or "atomic" levels of spice could theoretically be achieved by combining harif sauce and chili peppers or simply using more harif sauce.

Looks kind of gross when you first see it. Tastes like heaven.

And since I'm so fond of the stuff... my current recipe for harif sauce!

Morrocan Harif wrote:RECIPE: חריף מורוקאי

SOURCE: http://sousoukitchen.blogspot.com/2009/ ... uante.html
MAKES: 2 jars

INGREDIENTS:

17 oz hot chili peppers, red by default, substitute green for milder (equivalent to 500 grams), stems removed
1/2 cup olive oil, vegetable oil is an allowable substitution but olive oil is better for flavor
1 tbsp white vinegar
pinch salt
3 cloves garlic (optional)

METHOD:

1. Boil peppers in water for 5 minutes.
2. Turn off heat, allow to cool.
3. Quarter the peppers lengthwise, removing seeds if desired.
4. Put cut peppers in sieve/drainer/collander, let drain overnight.
5. Put in food processor or blender. Add the half-cup of olive oil, the tablespoon of white vinegar, and the pinch of salt.
6. Blend, adding the cloves of garlic if desired. Mix well until ingredients become a puree.
7. Pour the sauce into a jar, preferably a canning jar that can make an airtight seal. Cover the sauce in a thin but complete layer of oil for protection.

Warning: this stuff doesn't have "spice levels". It starts off burning hot spicy and goes from there. My current batches actually get all their spice from the milder, green chili peppers, and it still burns me hotter than the Frank's Hot Sauce in the fridge.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Decker » Thu Dec 17, 2009 1:50 pm UTC

aleflamedyud wrote:Warning: this stuff doesn't have "spice levels". It starts off burning hot spicy and goes from there. My current batches actually get all their spice from the milder, green chili peppers, and it still burns me hotter than the Frank's Hot Sauce in the fridge.

Unfortnautly, many heat fanatics I know don't consider Franks to be remotly hot enough. I tend to think that eating food should be a pleasent experience and less painful than shoving shings under your fingernails, but that's just me.

Frank's is the perfect level of hot for me.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby aleflamedyud » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:47 pm UTC

Oh, and a warning about that meat stuff... the longer it sits in its pot or in a container, the spicier it gets. It can taste relatively mild when first cooked and then burn your fucking tongue off if you feed it to everyone half an hour later.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:21 am UTC

New addition!

B efore the vodka kicks in, I will get this down.

Mighty Jalapeno's Amazing First-Try Clam Chowder

1 lb (or three cans) clams / baby clams / clam meat
3 very large (or six normal) potatoes
1 large white onion (not yellow, you sick bastards)
1 bulb garlic
16 pinches of salt
2 tsp pepper (I used 1tsp black, 1tsp paprika)
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp oregano
2 tbsp nutritional yeast (or one bullion cube)
1 tin anchovies
2 tbsp flour
olive oil
1.5 cups milk
1.5 cups cream

Chop up onions and mince garlic. Chop anchovies very fine. Sautee in oil over medium-high heat, with salt, pepper, paprika, thyme, oregano, and anchovies (and anchovy oil, if you got it!) Stir well on high heat until starts to sweat and brown.

Cube potatoes small, and add them to the pot. Add retained clam juice (should be approximately 1.5 cups of clam juice). Add suffiicient water to juuuust cover the tops of the potatoes. Add bullion cube or nutritional yeast, and mix well. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 15 minutes.

In a separate bowl, mix milk, cream, flour well. When potatoes are tender, mash in pot a few times, just to partially mash about half of the potatoes (you want some cubes, some chunks, and some goo). Add milk/cream/flour mixture, and bring to a boil. Simmer, stirring well, for two minutes or until thickened.

Add clam meat, and stir on medium for 2 minutes, or until bubbly.

Serve!

EVERYONE like this tonight. It was easily enough for five people, and we completely cleaned it out (even Throkky had two helpings, and had to restrain herself from a third helping), and we sent some home with our friends. This is fairly inexpensive, and downright delicious!

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby micco » Tue Dec 29, 2009 1:41 pm UTC

Pancakes...with blood:

3 dl cattle blood
3 dl pilsener
1 dl barley flour
1 dl rye flour
1 small onion chopped finely
1 egg
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon marjoram
Butter for frying.

Whisk the blood untill fluffy. Add pilsener and flours. Let the flours swell for ½ to 2 hours.
Chop the onion and simmer in butter untill soft, let it cool down for a while.
Add the butter-onion mixture, egg and seasoning to the paste. Mix untill smooth.
Fry the pancakes using butter. Remember to stir the paste every now and then so that the blood won't coagulate.
Serve with lingonberry jam.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby podbaydoor » Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:36 am UTC

^This is what I imagine the Orks to eat for breakfast.
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noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby etaoin » Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:45 am UTC

I learned this recipe is from the wonderful book "Dangerous River" by RM Patterson, an adventurer who traveled on the Nahanni River in N. Canada in the early 20th century. Best breakfast EVAR.

RMP's porridge

-Make oatmeal porridge in the usual way, boiling it in milk (preferably) or buttermilk (even preferablier) or water until sticky.
-Add plenty of butter, obviously (кашу маслом не испортишь)
-Add large slab of (old) cheddar
-Add handful of raisins
-Profit

Seriously, this porridge is delicious. Puts hair on yer teeth.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Enderb » Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:33 pm UTC

Looking through the thread I find it lacks some fundamental basics that could/should? probably be here. A few of the simple and needed foundations from french cooking, great for impressing the ladies men! (or ladies, good cooking is gender neutral).

Roux: The basic purpose of a roux is to thicken a sauce with starches from the flour. Cooking the flour in butter removes the "cereal-y/grain-y" taste of the flour, and browning the mixture can add a dark nutty flavor to the sauce. Roux starts off as white, and moves to blonde, then brown over time (as cooked). White sauces, will only require white roux, but dishes such as gumbo require dark roux for flavor in addition to thickening prowess.

1:1 ratio of butter to flour (i.e. 1 Tbs. butter to 1 Tbs. of flour). Ratio can shift if you need darker roux/ more of it, but that's the basic ratio. Cook over medium heat, slow and control is the key to a proper roux, especially when trying for the darker levels.

As roux is a basic skill, and butter and flour are cheap, it's worth practicing this one.

Béchamel: AKA White Sauce. 1 cup of milk or cream added to a roux of 1tbs each of butter and flour, let sit over medium to low heat to evaporate moisture and thicken. Can be flavored with nutmeg, along with salt and pepper. This sauce is a basic block to which other goodies can be added (i.e. bacon, sausage, salmon, cheese, peas [gasp vegetables!]), and can be used both over pasta or over fish and meat dishes.

Hollandaise: It's that fancy stuff that turns your boring poached eggs, ham, and english muffins, into the magical and fancy Egg's Benedict! Largely regarded as too hard for your average cook, for some odd unknown reason, it's simply butter melted into egg yolks, with a dash of lemon and/or salt and pepper for flavor.

3 yolks to 12 Tbs. of butter to be exact. To melt the butter into the yolks, warm the bottom of a stainless steel bowl over a boiling pot of water. WARM I said WARM, you don't want the yolks to cook, you just want them warm enough to melt in the butter, so it will require you to move off and on the heat. Add the butter in 1, 1 Tbs. pat, at a time. Presto!, give that [wo]man a chef's hat.

Brown Sauce: Remember all that stuff at the bottom of the pan from when you fried that steak/cooked that sausage? Throw a some of your favorite alcohol (port, wine, vermouth, etc.), or if you're underage, broth will do fine, and wisk to pull up the burned bits (called fond) to emulsify (=mix together). Let reduce (evaporate out moisture). Add some seasoning if you want, spices, herbs, salt and pepper, and pour over that meat you cooked.

Other basic sauces include mayonnaise (the real stuff!), and the other basics of Auguste Escoffier has deemed basic foundations, and maybe, possibly, added later if I get to it/if people like this post.

My thanks and credit to Auguste Escoffier, Alton Brown, and my dad.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby hermaj » Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:00 pm UTC

micco wrote:Whisk the blood untill fluffy.


:|

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Basic Pizza (2 min max prep time and cooking)

Postby johny223 » Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:42 pm UTC

What you need:
2 flour tortillas
Shreded Mozoalla Cheese (any amount(yes I know I screwed up spelling there)
Shreded Chedar Cheese (any amount)
Tomato Sauce
Any toppings
Microwave
Instructions:
Place down 1 flour tortilla followed by the sauce, mozoralla (make sure it outnumbers the chedar) and the chedar cheese and any amount of toppings you prefere.
Set down the other tortilla on top of it encasing everything in between the 2.
Microwave 45 seconds.
Cut.
Enjoy.

This is a very basic "mexican" pizza that I have taught my self over the years. Even delicious Warm or cold.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby kaimason1 » Thu Mar 04, 2010 1:33 am UTC

From Disgusting Food:
kaimason1 wrote:Mix the following with a fork:

Red Wine vinegar
Apple Cider Vinegar
Pregrated Parmesan
Lemon Juice

If done in correct proportions (play with it) it looks and smells gross yet tastes wonderful.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Telchar » Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:18 pm UTC

Pretty Really Good Jumbalaya

Andouille Sausage, Chicken Breast, and Shrimp (This is per your taste, but I generally do a 2/1/2lb ratio.)

1 White onion
1 Celery Stalk
1 cup Chicken Stock
2 cans Crushed Tomatoes (Could use fresh, but I don't know what the conversion would be)
3 cloves minced Garlic
3 Bay Leaves
1-4 Chipotle Peppers (depending on spice. I wouldn't recommend 4, but you could....)
2 cups Rice

Brown the Anduille on medium-high and season to taste. I generally use a generic cajun seasoning that's heavy on the paprika and Montreal steak seasoning (sneaky good).

Chop Onions and Celery, and Garlic and cook in Andouille grease. Season lightly with cajun seasoning. Cook chicken after vegies. Add oil as required. I generally don't season the chicken, as it acts along with the celery as a pallet cleanser of sorts.

Blend Tomatoes and Chipotle Peppers. I get them in adobo sauce which makes it easier.

Combine with Chicken Stock, Rice (I prefer long grain white), Meat, and Bay Leaves and cook for ~30 minutes. Add shrimp ~10-15 minutes before done.

For a healthier meal: Use more chicken/shrimp and less sausage, and replace Andouille with Turkey Sausage. Can also use brown rice, but make sure to adjust cooking time, and may want to start it cooking with just the blended mixture+stock before you do your browning/pan stuff.

I had people sneaking into my house after my last BBQ to heat this up and eat it. Seems to get better the bigger batch you make. I don't know if the spice level starts to even out, or if it's just me.

Edit: I feel bad not giving credit. It's my roomies recipe, Zeusish.
Last edited by Telchar on Mon Apr 26, 2010 11:11 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Coffee » Fri Apr 09, 2010 1:59 am UTC

Okay, I should have posted this here instead of making a new thread of it.

Coffee wrote:Okay, this is something I experimented with while stationed in the UK. Couldn't find anything quite like it in the forum.

Ingredients:
- Large mushrooms of your choice (I used large white mushrooms as they were easily available there. Could use portabella if you like) stemmed and the gills scooped out
- Not too lean ground beef (Let's face it, anything leaner than 80% isn't a good burger)
- Salt and pepper

Mix salt and pepper in with the ground meat and stuff into the mushroom caps. Grill over hardwood (or charcoal) until desired doneness.
Serve without a bun, cap side up.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby finlay » Mon May 17, 2010 1:20 pm UTC

I haven't read through the thread, so I'm just going to leave these here in the hope that I can brighten someone's day. :P

Vegan chocolate cake
1.5 cups / 375 ml flour
3 tbsp / 45 ml cocoa
1 tsp / 5 ml baking soda
1 cup / 250 ml sugar
½ tsp / 2.5 ml salt
6 tbsp / 90 ml veg oil
1 tbsp / 15 ml vinegar
1 cup / 250 ml water
1 tsp / 5 ml vanilla (can leave this one out)
Really quite simple – sift the dry ingredients into a bowl, add the wet ingredients, stir like crazy, and place in a greased cake tin in a preheated 180°C oven for 30 minutes... ish. The cake is ready when you can stick a knife into the centre without sticky mixture coming out on it. The top will also start to crack a bit. Let it cool a bit before you add icing.

I've put the amounts in cups because I just use a medium-sized mug to measure the ingredients, and don't really do it "scientifically". The cup is roughly equivalent to half a pint, anyway... For the sugar, I use brown sugar, which takes longer to sift but makes a stickier, richer cake. Caster sugar would also work (and doesn't need sifted). My cake tin is circular and about 8" across... I think (I'm not very good at judging this).

For the icing, I've done chocolate butter icing:
2 tbsp / 30 ml marg/butter
1½ tbsp / 22.5 ml cocoa
1 tbsp / 15 ml water
lots of icing sugar
melt the butter in a small pan on a low heat, add the water and the cocoa, stir together until it's an even colour. Now add the icing sugar, and keep adding it until the mixture goes a bit stiff – pour it onto the cake and spread all over. If you've done it right it should now set/go more stiff since it's not being heated any more. Obviously if you want to keep it vegan, use margarine – if you aren't, like me, this doesn't matter so much.

Curry
I don't think this is any particular kind of curry, just one that I found online and refined a bit. I use chickpeas usually, but meat will work just as well – use about 250 g / ½ lb, dice it up, and just fry it separately before adding it.
Veg:
1 medium onion
2 cloves garlic
1-2 inch piece of ginger
1-4 chillies (depending on how hot you want it, of course – personally I use really hot ones)
1 pepper
Spices:
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp garam masala or coriander
1 tbsp turmeric
½ tbsp chilli powder
pinch of salt
Other stuff:
1 can chopped tomatoes
1 can chickpeas, drained
2 tbsp veg oil
2 tbsp honey
1 tbsp double cream
fresh coriander

Chop all the vegetables into pieces (big pieces of pepper, little pieces for the rest of them). Start frying onions in the oil, add the rest of the vegetables after a few minutes. After a few more minutes, add the spices and tomatoes, mix it up so that it's an even colour then add the chickpeas (or meat) to the mixture. Make sure it's all mixed up properly, then add the honey and cream, which help to take the edge of slightly (I also don't find the spices especially tasty on their own, but your mileage may vary). Cook for a bit longer just to make sure it's cooked (more important if you're using meat). Serve with rice, with the coriander as a garnish; the rice should take about the same amount of time (15 mins ish) overall to cook if you're not using meat.

Serves 2.

Chilli con carne
Well, you probably all know a recipe for this anyway, but I adapted this from a student cookbook a few years ago. It's very similar to the curry recipe, really – in fact a friend was saying the other day that all recipes are basically adaptations of each other. This one lasts for a few days if you keep it in the fridge – of course, chilli's famous for tasting nicer the next day.
2 tbsp veg oil
1 onion
2 cloves garlic
chillies (as many as you like, again)
2 peppers
some cumin (I don't measure it for this one)
500 g (1 lb) minced beef/lamb
2 cans chopped tomatoes
salt & pepper
beef/lamb stock cube (obv use the same kind as the kind of meat you're using)
pinch cinnamon
mixed herbs
Chop all the vegetables, exactly the same as last time, and stir-fry them all in a large pan (start the onions a few minutes before the rest); add the cumin and meat at about the same time. Keep frying until the meat is browned, then add the tomatoes, lots of salt and pepper (to taste, of course, but I find that if I don't add it now I'll just have to add it later, so imagine how much you would put on one plate of the stuff and multiply it by about 4), the stock cube, herbs, and any other spices you think would go with it (cinnamon as an example), and keep it simmering, stirring occasionally, for about 10-15 minutes. Easy. Delicious. Serves 4, roughly. Serve with rice – start cooking it after you put in the meat.

Enjoy. I know I do. :P

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Veora » Wed May 26, 2010 10:06 am UTC

Veora's Mince-Naanbread-of-doom.

Take one Naan bread http://www.thecnj.com/review/2008/071708/images/naan.jpg and heat it in the oven (not too hot, just enough to keep it warm)

Get some beef mince (I hope its called the same in America ;p) and fry it with a little oil in a frying pan untill cooked, add a little Tomato sauce, And some Reggae Reggae Sauce (to taste.) http://www.kevblog.co.uk/blog/11/reggae_reggae_sauce1.jpg

Now take the Naan bread from the oven, Pour said mince on it, sprinkle with grated Chedder cheese (I use something like - http://imagesb.ciao.com/iuk/images/products/normal/809/Tesco_Value_Grated_Cheddar__7531809.jpg) then place the whole thing on a baking tray into the oven untill the cheese melts over the whole thing, bring it back out of the oven and serve!

(Really great for cold winters when you have friends over)
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Shro » Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:30 pm UTC

I want to share some decently healthy food recipies. Should I ask here, and there can be a new category, or do we want another thread to organize?
Because Eating healthy is HARD sometimes. Things are either time consuming, expensive, tastes really bad or is unhealthy. (So I would add a taste circle to this Venn Diagram.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Zohar » Mon Jun 07, 2010 4:14 pm UTC

I figure here is fine... BTW, you can't use a 2D drawing to make a Venn diagram of 4 circles with all possible intersections. Just sayin'. :)
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby scarecrovv » Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:37 am UTC

I just made this up 6 hours ago, and had it for dinner.

scarecrovv's Cornbread, London Broil, and Bacon Mouthgasm wrote:This is a three part recipe. Feel free to substitute a better recipe for any of the three parts. My London Broil could probably use the most improvement (a marinade might be nice, for starters) but it is quick, easy, and awesome.
London Broil wrote:You will need:

1 flank steak

Throw the steak in a pan on the stove, and set it on medium high. After a minute or so, flip it over with a spatula. After another minute or so, flip it over again. Cut into it with a knife, and take a look. It will still be red inside when finished, but it should at least be darker than when it started. It should also be hot inside. Check with your finger.

Take the steak off the stove and slice it into strips 1/4" thick, against the grain. This is important, as otherwise it will be stringy, not tender.

Bacon wrote:Do I really need to teach you how to make bacon? Oh, all right.
You will need:

1 package of bacon

Throw a couple strips of bacon in a pan on a stove on medium high. Flip them over after they begin to look a little crispy. Take them off and put on some more bacon when they look a little crispier than that. repeat.

Cornbread wrote:You will need:

1 cup of flour
1 cup of cornmeal
1/4 cup of sugar
1/2 tsp of salt
4 tsp of baking powder
1/4 cup of oil (I used olive oil, though vegetable oil works too)
1 egg
1 cup of milk

Preheat your oven to 400 F

Stir the dry ingredients together in a bowl. Beat the egg in another bowl, and then mix in the milk and the oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Mix them together for 30 seconds, no more. Otherwise the cornbread will fall flat. It's ok if they're not 100% mixed up, mostly there is fine. Pour the batter in a frying pan, and put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 400 F. After 15 minutes is up, check whether it's done by sticking a toothpick into it. If it comes out with batter stuck to it, put it in for another minute. Keep checking every minute until it is done.


You will need:

Some London broil
Some bacon
Some cornbread

Put the London broil and bacon on top of the cornbread. Eat with a fork, making sure to eat the different bits in the same mouthful as often as reasonably practical.


It is better than it sounds, and it sounds tasty.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby _wtw_ » Fri Jul 02, 2010 3:41 pm UTC

Can i suggest the title "The OpenSource Cookbook"? :)

There's another one here http://www.oscookbook.org/ but the last newspost was in '08 so i'm pretty certain it's inactive. It ways there was going to be a new one set up and linked to, but there's no further post, so is it safe to say that project was abandoned?
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby Sprocket » Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:20 pm UTC

so imagine if you will those scone like biscuits used for strawberry short cake, strawberries and sweet gooey strawberry juices, a creamy whipped cherve substance, and inbetween the cut slice in the biscuit - smoked salmon
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby PatrickRsGhost » Sun Aug 08, 2010 12:01 pm UTC

Grilled Chicken Fajitas

Mom made these last night on the grill. When we have fajitas, they're usually done in a skillet on the stove. These have proven to be far superior in flavor. We will be doing fajitas like this from now on.

GRILLED CHICKEN FAJITAS -- serves 3, so adjust accordingly

3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, trimmed and butterflied
2 bell peppers
1 good sized onion
flour tortillas

Fajita marinade:
**3 Tbsp. vegetable oil
**3 Tbsp. taco seasoning (about one package)
**2 tsp. lime juice
**2 cloves of garlic, minced

1. Trim as much fat from the chicken breasts as possible, then butterfly -- holding chicken down, cut lengthwise through the breast about 3/4 of the way through, so that you can open it out like a book.

2. Mix the marinade up in a 1 gallon zip lock bag.

3. Place chicken flat in the bag, then gently massage until all sides are coated with the marinade. Refrigerate at least one hour (or overnight), turning bag over periodically.

4. Fire up your grill, whether gas or charcoal.

5. While the grill is heating, core and seed the peppers, and cut the root and neck ends of the onion off. Peel the onion.

6. Cut the peppers into quarters lengthwise; cut the onion into 6 slices about 1/4" thick.

7. When grill is ready, put peppers on skin side down; put onions on.

8. After about 5 min, put your chicken on. Remove the onions, package loosely in aluminum foil that's been lightly oiled, and put back on the grill. The oil helps make sure they don't stick to the foil, and keeps them from drying out in the heat.

9. Watch the peppers -- if you like them just heated through, remove them from the grill when the skin just starts to wrinkle and the insides begin to sweat. If you like them more tender, less crunchy, let them stay on longer. You can grill them until the skin is totally blackened, then sweat them and remove the skin.

10. After about 3 to 5 min, turn the chicken. Just keep tending the chicken until it's done, about 3 to 5 more minutes. (Butterflying them makes them cook faster and more evenly.)

11. When the chicken is done, remove it to a plate. Remove the onions as well. Keep warm while you slice the peppers and onions into roughly bite sized pieces.

12. Slice the chicken into strips, then cut crosswise into cubes.

13. Warm tortillas, then serve with your favorite toppings.
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby not good at these things » Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:10 am UTC

My brother called these The Best Thing Possibly Created at Midnight and my english teacher just called this White Trash Donuts

Ingredients:
-can of Pillsbury Biscuit dough
-vanilla extract
-cooking oil
-any little thing you'd like, my suggestion is chocolate frosting in the microwave for some 30 sec., cinnamon and powdered sugar, honey, just whatever raises your chance of diabetes is best

Take one of the biscuit doughs and poke a hole in it about the size of your thumb (done most efficiently by pocking your thumb in the biscuit).

Put cooking oil in a skillet pan on medium/high fire, it should be about half an inch deep of oil. Then put the holed biscuit dough in the oil and let it fry. It should fry in about a few minutes, before you flip it add a bit of vanilla extract (this is optional, but it tastes much better with vanilla extract), maybe also some brown sugar, and then flip it and let the other side fry.

Take the donuts out and put it on a paper towel so grease will be absorbed. After you can add some cinnamon or sugar or honey or melted chocolate or whipped cream cheese or all of that. Or leave it plain, it tastes amazing no matter what you put on it.

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby manictheatrefan » Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:15 pm UTC

manictheatrefan wrote:
-sliced bagel (any kind)
-1/3 to 1/2 an avocado (depending on your preference)
-pinch of salt
-pinch of pepper
-few drops of lemon/lime juice

1. Toast the bagel.
2. While the bagel is toasting, mash up the avocado with salt, pepper and some lemon/lime juice.
3. When the bagel's done, spread the avocado mixture on each half and squish together.
4. Eat!

This is really messy to eat. The avocado will squidge everywhere, especially through the bagel-hole. I promise it's yummy, though!

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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby podbaydoor » Fri Sep 03, 2010 10:52 pm UTC

Oh my goodness, I'm drooling already. I love avocado.
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dubsola
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Re: The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

Postby dubsola » Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:23 pm UTC

podbaydoor wrote:Oh my goodness, I'm drooling already. I love avocado.
It's good with some tomatoes as well, just chop up some tomato, maybe add a little chopped red onion... put that on top. Yum.

Here's a recipe I sort of made up based on a half-watched cooking show in Spain. It's a sort of Spanish stew. Absolutely delicious served with crusty bread. Takes about 40 minutes, but most of that is just letting the thing cook. Also, you can improvise and nothing will go wrong. Feel free to not add certain ingredients, or replace them with other ones. It's fine. This is actually a really easy recipe, you can make it as complicated as you like, but leaving ingredients out won't hurt you at all.


Main ingredients
-A root vegetable: butternut squash is my favourite, but you could use sweet potato or regular potato
-A can of chick peas (also known as garbanzo beans) / butter beans
-A can or two of peeled plum tomatoes (some people prefer chopped, I don't. Well worth buying the more expensive option, if you have more than one in front of you)
-Baby spinach
-Garlic and onion (two crucial ingredients for stews)
-Choice: Chorizo if you want to add some saltyness and eat meat, otherwise halumi is a good substitute. Either of these two things will help kick this stew into the 'gosh darn amazing' category.
-Optional: Celery

Flavourings
-Salt and pepper
-Herbs: Fresh thyme if you have it, but you can substitute with rosemary if you want, or dried thyme / rosemary / oregano. Also, a bay leaf if you have that. Personally I always have dried herbs on the shelf.
-Coriander seeds
-Paprika
-Fresh flat parsley, or basil if you don't like parsley
-Optional: a little bit of powdered vegetable stock
-Optional: chilli powder or cayenne pepper - something hot. I only add a little bit, enough to give the stew some pep but not enough to make it noticeably hot.

Chopping and other preparation
Chop up your root vegetable into bite-sized chunks. You can leave the skin on if you don't hate it.
Chop up the onion and garlic.
Bash the coriander seeds in a mortar and pestle if you have one, otherwise don't worry. You could improvise and put them in a tea towel and bash them with something heavy. Or you could just leave them as is. You could even not add coriander seeds.
If you have chorizo, chop it up all rough-like
Wash the baby spinach. Grit is no good.

First cooking bits
If you're using chorizo, throw it in the pan - not too hot, and it only needs a half a minute or so. Take the chorizo out and you will now cook in the oil of the chorizo. If not, no worries, carry on.
Put the coriander seeds in the frying pan - you don't need oil but it's ok if you do. Get the aromas going by cooking them for half a minute, they should pop a little.
Add some oil if you need to, and fry the onion for a little bit in some oil, then throw in the garlic. Get used to frying onion and garlic properly, you don't want to burn anything and it's the starting point for many, many recipes. Garlic needs less time to cook than onion.

Main cooking
Add the canned tomatoes, stir it all up and get the heat through the whole thing.
Add all the seasonings except the paprika - some salt and pepper, the chilli, the vegetable stock powder, and the thyme / rosemary / dried herbs and the bayleaf, stir it all up.
Add the root vegetable. If you're using celery, chop that up and add it too.
Wait a bit, let the root vegetable cook. Once the root veg is starting to go soft (poke a big bit with your fork, it should slide in easily), you're just about ready for the last steps.

Important - Just about the only thing that can go 'wrong' in this recipe is letting your stew go dry. See, tomatoes have a lot of water, and as you are cooking them this water evaporates. Keep an eye on your stew while it's cooking, come back every five minutes and if it looks like it's getting low add a bit of water, or even better a bit of red wine that you have left over from the other week, that's too vinegary to drink. The other thing you have to be careful with is your heat - tomatoes don't like it when it gets too hot. My rule of thumb is that it bubbles, but just a little bit. That's just enough to cook your root veg, but not enough to ruin the tomatoes. There's a fairly wide margin of error here, so don't stress, just don't leave it on a high heat.

Last steps
Add the chick peas / butter beans, the paprika, and the chorizo if you're doing that, if not, chop up your halumi and fry in a separate pan, then add that. Mix it all up, and let it cook for another couple of minutes.
Taste it, if it doesn't taste amazing add a bit of salt and pepper. It'll taste amazing anyway, but salt really helps food.
Turn off the heat, add the baby spinach and mix it in so it wilts a little bit. You can add quite a bit of baby spinach, it shrinks a lot.

More options: use regular spinach and let it cook for a bit longer, or use chopped up kale and let it cook for even longer. You can skip the cheese and then this recipe is vegan. If you're feeling really advanced, get the beans in their dry form, and boil them with the thyme and bay leaf, then drain and use in this recipe.

--

You're done! Serve that bad boy in a bowl and have some crusty bread on the side to dip in and soak up the juice.


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