The Xkcd Cookbook (with an unfinished index in the OP)

[jskyhawk]

What sort of yeast do you use? Dry yeasts? In Israel we have two types - "dry" yeasts which come in plastic bags and "fresh" yeasts which come in cubes and you can freeze them, I think. I really need to learn more about the use of yeast...

I use dry yeast. I don't think it matters much, yeast is yeast.

It's really not. Dry yeast (unless it's labeled "instant") is mostly dead, and has to be bloomed in warm water before use. Fresh yeast doesn't, but it goes bad very easily.

Well there you have it, learn something new everyday.

mmm now thats some fresh yeast.

[Apemeat]

1 part Kahlua
1 part Orange Juice

Try to hold it down as long as you can.

It's original name was "Bile"

How 'bout this -

1. Full a shot glass half-full (or half-empty, either way) with Bailey's.
2. Fill to top with lime juice.
3. Give to friend/enemy.

The lime juice will cause the Bailey's to curdle. A lot bit like cottage cheese. Nasty.

[iNap]

How 'bout this -

1. Full a shot glass half-full (or half-empty, either way) with Bailey's.
2. Fill to top with lime juice.
3. Give to friend/enemy.

The lime juice will cause the Bailey's to curdle. A lot bit like cottage cheese. Nasty.

My older brother once told of getting someone to do this (with lemon juice) while the Bailey's is already in his mouth. He called it the "Cement Mixer".

[Apemeat]

How 'bout this -

1. Full a shot glass half-full (or half-empty, either way) with Bailey's.
2. Fill to top with lime juice.
3. Give to friend/enemy.

The lime juice will cause the Bailey's to curdle. A lot bit like cottage cheese. Nasty.

My older brother once told of getting someone to do this (with lemon juice) while the Bailey's is already in his mouth. He called it the "Cement Mixer".

You're right. Dunno what I was thinking.
It's better when the Bailey's is already in the person's mouth. And lemon juice, rather than lime. Although, I would imagine that lime juice might work just as well.

[Sprocket]

We should get a different thread for the XKCD bar tender.

[anana_mauvais]

Learned how to make this over Thanksgiving. It is frickin' delicious.

Mexican Cobbler
Ingredients
Bag o' flour tortillas
Two cans of fruit pie filling (apple is especially delicious)
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar 1/2 cup butter
Cinnamon (optional)

Instructions
1. Apply a few spoonfuls of pie filling to a tortilla (in a line down the center). Sprinkle cinnamon over the fruit if you feel like it (highly reccomended). Roll the tortilla up tightly around the filling (like a sugary burrito) and put it in a casserole dish. Repeat with the rest of the tortillas (and however much pie filling you need), placing them like sardines in the dish.
2. Melt the butter in a saucepan. Add the water and sugars, simmer until the concoction is vaguely saucelike.
3. Pour the sauce (all of it!) over the tortilla tubes and let it sit for twenty minutes.
4. Bake the dish at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for half an hour.
5. Gaze at it in all its pseudo-Mexican glory.

Or, you know, you could eat it instead.

[Toeofdoom]

Is someone compiling these somewhere? It would be kinda cool to have this as an actual cookbook, once it gets to a certain length.

[jskyhawk]

Is someone compiling these somewhere? It would be kinda cool to have this as an actual cookbook, once it gets to a certain length.

what would you call it?

How to cook like those people from the intertubes
or maybe We're in your kitchens, eating all your brownies kthxbye
and another How to: Prevent starving when your house is surrounded by raptorz

[Axman]

Trout (or whatever) in a light curry creme sauce with nuts and dates

crush or sliver the nuts (I used almonds but peanuts will do) 3/4c
chop or sliver the dates (dried currants, cranberries or raisins are asseptable) 1/4c
chop or sliver some garlic, not much, say two or three cloves

In a hot but not smoking skillet, with heavy non-olive oil (walnut, peanut, corn) sear the fish (whole or fillets) along with the nuts. When the fish is cooked through on one side, flip it, add the fruit and garlic.

When the fish is cooked through on the other side remove it and let it cool for de-boning and chopping.

Toast some curry and ginger, about 1/2tsp of each (I used powder, adjust for the real stuff to taste) for 20-30 seconds. Add 3 tbs butter, and when it's almost all melted, add 1/4c heavy whipping cream. Stir in 1/2c orange juice (coconut milk would substitute, or anything semi-sweet. I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Pepper worked) (I'm totally serious). Turn the heat to low, let it thicken.

Add 1tbs each soy sauce, fish sauce, and 1/2c water, and the fish chunked to size preference. Bring to a simmer,

Serve next to mashed spuds.

I did this for lunch, and it was esselent.

[Axman]

Belgian Liege Waffles (Sugar Waffles)

1 (1/4 ounce) package yeast
1/3 cup lukewarm water

Substitute beer for water and yeast for a faster, maltier waffle. Same deal goes for crepes.

[Nath]

Toast some curry and ginger, about 1/2tsp of each (I used powder, adjust for the real stuff to taste) for 20-30 seconds. Add 3 tbs butter, and when it's almost all melted, add 1/4c heavy whipping cream. Stir in 1/2c orange juice (coconut milk would substitute, or anything semi-sweet. I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Pepper worked) (I'm totally serious). Turn the heat to low, let it thicken.

What is this 'curry' you speak of? Is it a collection of spices? Thai curry paste?

I ask because that word seems to mean different things to different people. In India (pardon the shouting), for instance, it's a very general word referring to almost any side-dish or stew.

[Axman]

Yeah, it's "curry...powder". Masala. But I don't really expect other flavors of curry to affect it too much; there's very little and it's a particularly rich sauce. You could easily not use any curry powder and substitute coriander, nutmeg, turmeric, allspice, anise, and cumin. Or whatever, green or red Thai curry sauce. Basil wouldn't have destroyed the balance, but I didn't have any.

The directions are also missing "salt and pepper to taste."

[Plague]

I've got one.

Tuna Noodle Pasta

Ingredients

1 pkg Garden-style Rotini Noodles (the red, green and white kind)
1 can tuna
3/4 cup Newman's Own Olive Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing
1 ripe tomato, diced (optional)
1/2 can chopped olives (optional)
1 pinch of basil (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste

Cook the Rotini Pasta as per the directions on the package. Once done, strain and run cold water over the noodles until cold. Remove the pasta from the strainer and place into a medium to large bowl. Add the can of tuna, the dressing, and whatever optional ingredients you chose to the pasta. Add salt and pepper to taste. Serve cold. This recipe should keep up to 3-4 days in the refridgerator, though you may want to add a tiny bit of dressing, as the pasta will stick if left alone. Makes 3-4 servings. Serving size, one bowl.

I make this all the time and usually eat it with my sister, it's our favorite meal.

As for the book, just call it The XKCD Cookbook. With that sort of endorsement, it would sell like bundtcakes.

I have yet to see raptor-themed cuisine. We Must Have Raptorz.

[parkaboy]

that looks pretty good. have you tried it hot w/ fresh tuna? i was inspired by the food channel earlier today and i think i'm going to try a hot variation of this. i'll post the recipe after i'm done experimenting (if its good, i mean).

[Alibaba]

PB & J sammie (I had an incredible urge to use that word, apologies) and PRETZELS!

Directions:

Stuff 'em in.

[Torvaun]

Ingredients
2.5 cups white rice
1 cup salsa
4 chicken breasts, thawed
3 cups water
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Procedure
1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Mix rice, salsa, water, and 1.5 cups cheese, spread in 9x13 pan.
3. Lay chicken breasts on top of rice mixture.
4. Cover with aluminum foil and bake 35 minutes.
5. Remove aluminum foil, sprinkle remaining cheese on top of chicken breasts.
6. Bake 10 minutes.
7. Serve.

[parkaboy]

you know... i need to write things down when i'm doing food science in the kitchen. i made the sauceless fish pasta w/ salmon and eggplant and cherry tomatoes, salt, black and red pepper, 4 cloves of garlic and parsley... but i cant tell you how much of everything i used, except the 4 cloves. it turned out pretty damn good though. =(

[Fat Tony]

A recipe I invented today:
Take your desired amount of spinach leaves. Shred them by hand and put them onto a plate. Cover the spinach with American [should that be United States cheese?] and nuke them until the cheese melts.
Cook a steak in the oven until the outside is cooked, but it is rare on the inside. Next put it in the microwave for a minute and a half, cover in American cheese, and cook in the microwave until the cheese is melted.
Now pour the juice from the steak into the spinach and mix it all up.
Make sure that for every action you make, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Enjoy!

[Azrael]

That's about six ways to nasty. Starting with American cheese and ending with microwaving meat.

[southside]

Substitute provolone for American and the microwave for a grill and you have a great meal. Personally I use flatiron steak, run length wise through a cubing machine(ask your local butcher, he/she should be able to do this). This steak is versatile and will usually grill in 10 minutes or less.

[Fat Tony]

I was thinking different cheese/cooking methods would probably be better, but all I know for sure at the moment is that what I did tasted good.
'Twould be unethical to lie about the procedure to get to the same conclusion =D

[Zohar]

Made some hummus today! Surprisingly easy. A disclaimer - in Israel it's very easy to get frozen chickpeas as well a raw tahini (meaning just the sesame seed paste). If it's difficult to get those where you are, I'm not sure what you could do... You could always use dry chickpeas, but those take a lot of time. I don't think there's a substitute for tahini.

About 400 gr. chickpeas, cooked (make it warm and it's even tastier)
Juice of 2 lemons.
3 garlic cloves, crushed.
About 0.5 cup tahini
Some cumin (a teaspoon?)
Salt and pepper
Olive oil (0.5 cup also?)
Warm water.

Basically just blend everything. Put lots of oil and lots of tahini, then slowly add water so as not to get a runny consistency.

Warning - it will probably go bad after about three days. If you're not planning to eat it all, make less.

[Ian Ex Machina]

Some of these look great, and like I'm going to have to cook them sometime.

Well have a pasta+sauce idea that I like.

Ingredients:
450g Turkey mince
300g Passata
1 tin of Ministrone soup
1 tin of chopped tomatoes
4 Rashers of bacon
1 large onion
2-3 medium garlic cloves
Handful of Mushrooms (Large handful if you love mushrooms)
2 Peppers
1 tin kidney beans
1 stick celery (to eat while cooking)
3-5 Bay leaves
Big pinches of Oregano, Parsley, Thyme and Rosemary
Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and pepper
A meal's worth of Pasta (Tagliatelle, spaghetti or for fun one which is an interesting shape)

Method:
1. Chop the onion finely, and the garlic cloves, put them to the side. Chop the mushrooms up relatively chunky, and the same with the peppers, chop up the rashers into thin strips
2. Fry the onions and garlic til lightly brown, add the bacon a fry til pink then add the turkey mince and fry til no uncooked meat is seen.
3. Add the mushrooms and peppers and fry, taking care not to burn anything so far.
4. Add the passata, the ministrone soup, and the kidney beans.
5. Turn the heat down so the mixture is simmering (and stiring ocaisionally), add the bay leaves, herbs, worcestershire sauce and salt and pepper (to taste.)
6. Keep the micture simmering and reduce to a thick mixture, whilst nearing the desired reduction product put some water in a pan (with salt) and get to the boil.
7. With the water boiling and the sauce close to your desired thickness, put the pasta in (I usually do too much pasta) and cook it til it is al denté.
8. Serve and eat.

[Zohar]

Made onion pie last night. It was awesome. Here's the recipe (I think I got the measurement names right - tsp. = tea-spoon, tbsp. = tablespoon ?):

Onion Pie
For a large pan. Don't know the exact measurements, like 1.5 A4 pages or something.
Ingredients:
For the dough:
250 gr. flour
170 gr. cold butter
1/3 tsp. sugar
2/3 tsp. salt
3-5 tbsp. water

For the filling:
1.5 kgs onions (estimate, didn't really measure. Enough to fill a medium pot, maybe 7 litter big)
One whole head of garlic (less if you don't like it)
200 ml. cooking cream (15-30%)
Butter/oil to fry in
Salt, pepper, nutmeg
5 eggs
150 gr. Grated cheese
Flour

Preparation:
Dice butter, make sure it's still cold. Put all dough ingredients in blender except water. Blend them in short pulses until you get a grainy texture. The trick with this kind of dough is not to over-process it.
Once that's done, add three tbsp. cold water. Again, blend but not too much, until you everything mixes together. Then test the dough - if when you press some of it together (it should still appear grainy, a bit more fine than the filling of a bean bag) between your fingers, it sticks, it's probably done. If you think you need a bit more, add some more water, but not too much.
Place the flour onto your working surface and mash it into a coherent blob (it should form itself very easily, no need to work it too much). Then form a ball and wrap it in nylon (I like to put it in a sandwich bag), place in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.
Afterwords take it out, flour the surface and a roller and roll so it fits in the pan. It should be fairly thin (about 3-4 mms, I would guess). Put in the pan after greasing it and back in the fridge.

Turn the oven on to 180 deg. C to preheat it.
Cut the onions and garlic. Fry the onions in the butter/oil until they're almost see through, add the garlic. Now just add the condiments and the cream. Allow to simmer for a few minutes. Taste and correct flavoring.
Take off the fire, let it cool for a few minutes. Add eggs (make sure the mix is cool enough so they don't turn to scrambled eggs). Add the cheese. Then add as much flour as needed to get a thick but runny mix (kind of like glue). I think I used around 0.5 cup flour, maybe more. Just add it slowly until you think it's enough.

Take out the pan, pour the mixture in and place straight in the oven. Bake for around 35-45 minutes. You can see if it's ready by sticking a sharp knife in it. If it comes out clean and dry, it's ready. Take out of the oven, let it cool for 5-10 minutes. Eat.

[PictureSarah]

Spinach and tofu enchiladas:

- 1 bag of baby spinach
- 1 green bell pepper
- 1 medium yellow onion
- 1/2 block of firm tofu
- 1 8 oz. package of neufschatel cheese
- 2 packages of grated cheese of your choosing
- package of smallish corn tortillas
- can of enchilada sauce

1) Mince onion and bell pepper, and sautee with spinach in a bit of oil

2) Combine tofu, neufschatel, grated cheese and sauteed veggies in a large bowl with a mixer

3) heat tortillas with a small amount of water (like a tablespoon per tortilla) and some non-stick spray in a frying pan for about a minute each until they are pliable.

4) put a few spoonfuls of the mixture in each tortilla and wrap it. Place seam side down in a 9x13 baking pan.

5) Pour a decent amount of enchilada sauce over all the enchiladas and then sprinkle with grated cheese. Put in a 350 degree preheated oven for 20 minutes or so until cheese is browning on top.

[Axman]

I just fry the tortillas in corn oil and lard. Authentic!

Also, if you can find canned chipotles in adobado, toss a can of those in the food processor and mix it wit cher enchilada sauce for a thicker, richer, justifiably spicier sauce.

[Zohar]

This is what I made last night. I was a bit afraid to use all of these ingredients but it turned out very good.

Indian-style rice (probably "butchered Indian style" is a better name)
Ingredients:
2.5 cups rice
2 red peppers
1 yellow pepper
3 onions
4+ garlic cloves
0.5 cup dried cranberries (or raisins)
0.5 cup mint
3/4 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tbsp sugar
0.5 cup cooking cream
Salt, pepper
Some oil, boling water.

Preparation:
Dice onions, fry in oil until see-through.
Add chopped garlic and diced peppers.
Add cranberries. Fry until peppers are somewhat soft.
Add rice, fry it for a minute, until it's coated in a thin layer of oil (add a bit if it's not).
Add spices and 5 cups boiling water, add mint.
Let it come to a boil. Taste the water. Fix spices. Be careful with the cumin and curry - too much and it can really ruin it.
Add the cream.
Reduce the flame to a low simmering. Cover with a lid, cook for 15-20 minutes.

That's it! Not sure about how much mint we used. When it was done I didn't think there was enough so I added some.

[Nath]

This is what I made last night. I was a bit afraid to use all of these ingredients but it turned out very good.

Indian-style rice (probably "butchered Indian style" is a better name)
Ingredients:
2.5 cups rice
2 red peppers
1 yellow pepper
3 onions
4+ garlic cloves
0.5 cup dried cranberries (or raisins)
0.5 cup mint
3/4 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tbsp sugar
0.5 cup cooking cream
Salt, pepper
Some oil, boling water.

Preparation:
Dice onions, fry in oil until see-through.
Add chopped garlic and diced peppers.
Add cranberries. Fry until peppers are somewhat soft.
Add rice, fry it for a minute, until it's coated in a thin layer of oil (add a bit if it's not).
Add spices and 5 cups boiling water, add mint.
Let it come to a boil. Taste the water. Fix spices. Be careful with the cumin and curry - too much and it can really ruin it.
Add the cream.
Reduce the flame to a low simmering. Cover with a lid, cook for 15-20 minutes.

That's it! Not sure about how much mint we used. When it was done I didn't think there was enough so I added some.

Apart from the peppers and cranberries (and maybe the cream), that's really not very butchered. Try adding the spices before the rice, though. I seem to remember people doing it that way.

[cypherspace]

Toasting the spices is the usual way to cook Indian food - it releases the flavour and makes the food fuller, so yes, spices in before the rest if you can.

[Zohar]

Yeah, I remember seeing toasted spices. But I've two questions. First - should it be done in all cases? What if I use powdered spices (like I did)? Second, can't I burn the spices and turn them bitter?

[Nath]

Yeah, I remember seeing toasted spices. But I've two questions. First - should it be done in all cases? What if I use powdered spices (like I did)? Second, can't I burn the spices and turn them bitter?

For powders, I guess not. I tend to, but I usually add the onions almost immediately afterwards.

As for turning things bitter: there's a spectrum between pleasantly toasty and unpleasantly burnt (do you hear me, Starbucks?). I guess you could find out how toasty you like your spices by trial and error.

[cypherspace]

Powders should still be toasted, just not in a frying pan - most spices are stored as powders even in India as far as I know. Concur with the burning though. Things don't need to be toasted for long. If you're using cumin seeds for example it takes about thirty seconds.

[hermaj]

I do it in a frying pan, but like Nath said, I add whatever I'm cooking (usually rice) immediately afterwards. It usually works for me when I stir the spices around really quickly and then tip in whatver I'm cooking them with and stir really quickly to coat.

[cypherspace]

I do it in a frying pan, but like Nath said, I add whatever I'm cooking (usually rice) immediately afterwards. It usually works for me when I stir the spices around really quickly and then tip in whatver I'm cooking them with and stir really quickly to coat.

That's what I usually do too, but I always thought that the correct way to toast spices was to use a ceramic bowl over heat. Having checked up though, it's not. Winner!

[ireitsch]

ok, i just made the best milkshake in the world!

1)3-5 scoops of sherbet ice cream
2) 1 1/2 cups milk
3) 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup
blender not needed, simply put ingredients in glass ans stirr with spoon.

greatest midnight snack ever!

[idont_know12]

1)3-5 scoops of sherbet ice cream

Sherbet Ice Cream?! Where does one get such a concoction?

[Chrismclegless]

Code: Select all

Chris's recipe for gloop. (1 serving)
Ingredients:
3 mushrooms, medium size
2-3 large tablespoons of mayonnaise
a little grated cheese.

Method:
Chop the mushrooms.  Not too small, though, they're the only really solid bit.
Mix in the mayonnaise thoroughly.(In a bowl.  Duh.)
Grate some cheese over the top.  Don't overdo it.
Stir a little.

Serve.


This is great as a side dish or dip. Its the only real thing I eat which isn't:

Code: Select all

Put in oven.
Wait.
Serve.


Yeah, I'm lazy. I'm a student, sue me.

[Zohar]

Being a student isn't an excuse to eat poorly... There are tons of incredibly fast recipes.

For example (I think I posted this one before), cook pasta. A few minutes before it's done heat a lot of olive oil in a pan, add a lot chopped garlic, some chopped chili pepper (if you don't want to chop it you can instead add at the end some Thai chili sauce), sliced dried tomatos. pine nuts if you like them. After that's done (make sure not to burn the garlic), add the drained pasta and some salt and pepper. Then add lots of coriander, maybe some parmejan if you have it.

It's about 20 minutes from start to finish (including boiling water) and about 5 minutes of actual work.

[TheTankengine]

Ingredients:
4+ lb pork loin
1 onion
1 handful mushrooms
2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
Barbecue sauce
Spices: Black pepper, cayenne pepper, ground mustard, basil, garlic powder, red pepper flakes

Method:
Slice onion into half, then quarters. Place in bottom of crock pot and turn on low. Slice pork loin into ~1 lb. quarters. Combine spices in approximately equal proportion and vigorously rub onto all surfaces of the pork quarters. Place on top of onions. Slice mushrooms and place on top of/around the pork. Drizzle with a small amount of apple cider vinegar and barbecue sauce.
Leave the pork to sit in the crock pot on low (~200^oF) for 18 hours.
Pull out the pork with a fork. It will be extremely tender and delicious.
Place barbecue/hot sauce on top and consume. Excellent with Texas Toast and garlic butter.

[Sunsnail]

Snail chops

Ingredients:

4 porkchops
3 cloves of garlic
1 big onion
15 oz. can of diced tomato
12 sprigs of fresh thyme

1. Butter the pan with 1/2 tbs. of butter. High heat. Brown chops, about 10 minutes on each side. Use salt and pepper.
2. Free the pan. Put in chopped onion and garlic. Brown them, about 15 minutes.
3. Put chops in with onions and garlic. Put in tomatoes. Add thyme, and salt and pepper. Cover, then reduce heat. Cook for ~90 minutes.

Good with mashed potatoes, pasta, etc.