'The Daily Felstaff' - you didn't even notice the 2016 edition

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'The Daily Felstaff' - you didn't even notice the 2016 edition

Postby Felstaff » Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:15 pm UTC

Hello, in a blatant abuse of my Moderator's Powers, I am going to sticky my own topic in Your Art & Links until a different, more responsible moderator comes and un-stickies it.

I run a Daily Newspaper, called the Daily Felstaph. It runs every day, and is currently on its seventeenth Issue, having celebrated its four month birthday last Tuesday. You can read the Daily Felstaph here. However it is in an unmoderated forum that you need to apply for The Truly Free ). You can read all the way up to issue #20 there, whereas here it's intentionally a few issues behind (Currently #17). (Also free bonus supplement: The Felsport!)

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Felsport #1
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Felsport #2
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Issue #1
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Issue #2
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Issue #3: (NSFW)
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Issue #4
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Issue #5
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Issue #6
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Issue #7
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Issue #8
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Issue #9
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Issue #10
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Issue #11
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Issue #12
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Issue #13
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Issue #14
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Issue #15
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Issue #16
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Issue #17
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____________________________________

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Rickets
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I need to search where the sun don't shine.
Blagging
Spoiler:
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It's me, drowning_in_tears. Remember? You wrote a comment on my livejournal entry about how I was planning to kill my mom for making me tidy my room.
Being John Malkovich Is Coming Out Tomorrow
Spoiler:
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Wait, today is March 16th, 2000, right?
1.337% Blood-Alcohol Concentration
Spoiler:
Image[/url]
Proved by Shientishts
Grownups
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Jesus, I thought that was a mop. That explains its aversion to detergent...
Qwantz/xkcd Mash-Up
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Ah, but which author penned the alternative title text? WE JUST DO NOT KNOW.
Robot War
Spoiler:
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Yeah, I scared the shit out of him by replacing the Windows default beep sound to "hal.wav"
Rulebook
Spoiler:
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I think you'll find it's a boomerang. And, hey, don't you ever knock?
Typewriter
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PPS: This thing doesn't even have   driversplanet.com   USB 1.0 support
Stapler
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At least the beret is still attached. I also "fixed" your ceiling cat problem.
Misquoted
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'Why are you protesting?' 'He just discovered a cure for cancer'
Hamster
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Dammit, what the hell did I just say?
Scrabble
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It was all fun and games until grandma picked out PRNSTAR
Flow Chart
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I immediately regretted the decision to ask my family how to use flow charts
I Am Not A Motorcyclist
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The sad thing is, I just wanted to tell you I've bought you motorcycling lessons. ...Why the hell do you have that thing in the house, anyway?
Last edited by Felstaff on Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:23 pm UTC, edited 8 times in total.
Away, you scullion! you rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.

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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby Moo » Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:22 pm UTC

As a totally inbiased (and unbribed) member of the public I can honestly say that the Daily Felstaph is the best news source I have read and that its editor is a handsome and intelligent man of unquestionable integrity and you should read it because it changed my life and can change yours too oh and you should join FaiD.


Is that how you wanted it, Mr Felstaff sir? Can I have my kitty back now please? Please don't hurt him
Last edited by Moo on Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:23 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby existential_elevator » Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:25 pm UTC

Wonderful! A delight! Five Stars! - The Unprompted Reader

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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby Felstaff » Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:54 pm UTC

See, ladies and gentlemen? The previous two posters proves the following comic:

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Away, you scullion! you rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.

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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby I Am Raven » Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:49 pm UTC

Hahaha, that was worth every second I spent reading it!
Ptolom wrote:penis

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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby Artemisia » Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:54 pm UTC

Teh Daily Felstaph, it ROCKS!
This too shall pass

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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby felltir » Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:23 pm UTC

I, as someone who has NEVER BEEN MENTIONED EVER in this paper, heartily approve.
Spoiler:
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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby The Hyphenator » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:23 pm UTC

Felstaff wrote:So we can all agree that, mostly, it's just lies, really. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is no.
ISWYDT!
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Spoiler:
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Re: The Daily Felstaph

Postby Cheese » Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:47 pm UTC

I've subscribed, and I get my Daily Felstaph delivered daily!

...the paper boy's not half out of breath when he delivers it, though. What's his round like?
hermaj wrote:No-one. Will. Be. Taking. Cheese's. Spot.
Spoiler:
LE4dGOLEM wrote:Cheese is utterly correct on all fronts.
SecondTalon wrote:That thing that Cheese just said. Do that.
Meaux_Pas wrote:I hereby disagree and declare Cheese to be brilliant.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby Felstaff » Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:33 pm UTC

Oh, hello.

I've edited the initial post to contain all my entries to Saladin's Thread. For posterity, mainly, and so I can see what I've done, thus eliminating any repetition.

Not just a hat-stand, my friend.

On another note, I fired the paperboy. He came up with some nonsense about how his bike can't simply cross the Atlantic Ocean four times a day. So I burned him on a pyre.
Away, you scullion! you rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby Jack Saladin » Sun Oct 19, 2008 11:59 pm UTC

*steals ur image*

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby I Am Raven » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:34 am UTC

Felstaff wrote:I've edited the initial post to contain all my entries to Saladin's Thread. For posterity, mainly, and so I can see what I've done, thus eliminating any repetition.

Not just a hat-stand, my friend.

Yay!
Ptolom wrote:penis

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby existential_elevator » Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:47 pm UTC

I still don't know why the Felstaph is giving me cancer :x

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby Cheese » Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:10 pm UTC

existential_elevator wrote:I still don't know why the Felstaph is giving me cancer :x
That would be due to the unique CancerPaperTM * on which it is printed, giving YOU cancer without all the fuss and bother of being exposed to radioactive sources or ingesting carcinogens!

*This product may give you cancer. This product may be illegal in some/all countries and/or states which you live in. This product is not for sale, and probably shouldn't be used. However, it's pretty cheap, and tastes quite nice.
hermaj wrote:No-one. Will. Be. Taking. Cheese's. Spot.
Spoiler:
LE4dGOLEM wrote:Cheese is utterly correct on all fronts.
SecondTalon wrote:That thing that Cheese just said. Do that.
Meaux_Pas wrote:I hereby disagree and declare Cheese to be brilliant.
Image

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby I Am Raven » Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:17 pm UTC

How convenient!
Ptolom wrote:penis

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby LE4dGOLEM » Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:33 pm UTC

Also if it bites you you become a superhero.
Image Une See Fights - crayon super-ish hero webcomic!
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby I Am Raven » Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:36 pm UTC

That's how Fellstaff found the cancer cure. He was printing his newspapers and got cancer. Next thing he knew he was bitten, became a superhero and thus could survive cancer!*

*It's true!
Ptolom wrote:penis

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby LE4dGOLEM » Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:52 pm UTC

Just like spiderman can survive vicious spider attacks!
Image Une See Fights - crayon super-ish hero webcomic!
doogly wrote:It would just be much better if it were not shitty.

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby I Am Raven » Wed Oct 22, 2008 4:38 pm UTC

Indeed so!
Ptolom wrote:penis

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby RealGrouchy » Sat Oct 25, 2008 7:23 pm UTC

This was a very entertaining waste of my time. Thanks!

- RG>
Jack Saladin wrote:etc., lock'd
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Folly

Postby Coin » Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:57 pm UTC

This looks entertaining. I shall read it as soon as I get home.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby wst » Sun Dec 07, 2008 10:51 pm UTC

I laughed until my neck clicked... now I'm in hospital surrounded by buxom nurses.

I won't be posting for a while *closes curtains*
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby bigglesworth » Fri Dec 12, 2008 2:42 pm UTC

I'll be in my bunk.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby 4=5 » Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:15 pm UTC

it's a very punctual daily paper

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby Coin » Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:49 pm UTC

Absolutley, but I'm a bit confused about the transdimentional schedual it is on. I've managed to calculate which planet it will be using as a temporal node for most issues (using the charts you got with the collectors edition of Issue Nr. 3) and it's never been late!
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby PatchMonster » Wed Dec 17, 2008 6:40 pm UTC

Issue #11 made me giggle like a little girl :oops: .
The liberal media has a hidden agenda!

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby Cheese » Sun Dec 21, 2008 1:53 pm UTC

*considers reporting the thread*

...nah. As long as the Felstaph continues to get printed (hint hint, Felstaff), I'm fine with the sticky. Not that I could do anything about it, like.
hermaj wrote:No-one. Will. Be. Taking. Cheese's. Spot.
Spoiler:
LE4dGOLEM wrote:Cheese is utterly correct on all fronts.
SecondTalon wrote:That thing that Cheese just said. Do that.
Meaux_Pas wrote:I hereby disagree and declare Cheese to be brilliant.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby roc314 » Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:43 am UTC

I am severely disappointed. I came here to see Fellstaff's latest addition to making xkcd slightly worse (the Calvin and Hobbes one, for posterity) without the effort of looking through a few posts in that other thread, and what do I notice? That it is not here. I know, that's outrageous, right? Indeed! Which it is why it is now fixed.

Felstaff, your stuff is too funny to rot in obscure corners of the fora; we need it here so we can always get our Felstaff fix without any hassle whatsoever.

EDIT: Also, it's too much effort to praise Felstaff in the Making xkcd slightly worse thread. The quoting for context, it is hard.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaph' & Other Stickies

Postby Bobber » Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:32 am UTC

Issue 19 makes me proud to be a Dane.
I don't twist the truth, I just make it complex.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby Maseiken » Sun Mar 29, 2009 10:14 am UTC

"This [...] is [...] excellent [...] thing [...] five [...] stars[...]!" - Real anonymous celebrity who wishes to remain anonymous, and factual.
"GRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOWR!!!!"
(Translation: "Objection!")

Maseiken had the ball at the top of the key...

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby HighCharity » Tue Mar 31, 2009 8:40 am UTC

Sledding discussion makes me sad. :(
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby Felstaff » Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:16 am UTC

Me too! Partly because I used to anthropomorphise my own collection of teddy bears to the point where they would become my extended family.

I mean... I never did such a thing. Isn't that right, Fun Time Bouncin' Tigger?
Away, you scullion! you rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby HighCharity » Thu Apr 02, 2009 3:20 am UTC

Felstaff wrote:Me too! Partly because I used to anthropomorphise my own collection of teddy bears to the point where they would become my extended family.

I mean... I never did such a thing. Isn't that right, Fun Time Bouncin' Tigger?

I don't do that. I look down my nose at you. Both of us do.
folkhero wrote:I feel bad for the hooker, but that guy is too annoying to not make fun of.


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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby Cheese » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:34 pm UTC

If the sig picture's going to change, I'm going to start expecting issues again. I've paid every subscription yet, and not seen a Daily Felstaph come through my door in as many months.
hermaj wrote:No-one. Will. Be. Taking. Cheese's. Spot.
Spoiler:
LE4dGOLEM wrote:Cheese is utterly correct on all fronts.
SecondTalon wrote:That thing that Cheese just said. Do that.
Meaux_Pas wrote:I hereby disagree and declare Cheese to be brilliant.
Image

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby Bakemaster » Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:57 am UTC

I... I agrrrr... agree wieuouuuu...

Agrreoahgh...


I AGREE WITH CHEESE
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby '; DROP DATABASE;-- » Thu Apr 23, 2009 7:22 am UTC

Cheese wrote:If the sig picture's going to change, I'm going to start expecting issues again. I've paid every subscription yet, and not seen a Daily Felstaph come through my door in as many months.
Yeah. WE WANT MOAR. WE WANT MOAR.
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby d33p » Sun May 17, 2009 7:53 am UTC

It's my first time here.
WHY?! Why hasn't anyone said, "d33p, you really need to check this out..." ?
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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby Vanguard » Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:18 pm UTC

Witty, I must say.

But I must admit, most of it is tl;dr. I enjoy the headlines but the articles themselves, eh. Am I missing much or are they just ramblings?
Image

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Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby kaitou » Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:12 pm UTC

'; DROP DATABASE;-- wrote:
Cheese wrote:If the sig picture's going to change, I'm going to start expecting issues again. I've paid every subscription yet, and not seen a Daily Felstaph come through my door in as many months.
Yeah. WE WANT MOAR. WE WANT MOAR.

The populace has spoken! Your prodigious, pedantical printings are past due and eagerly awaited for perusal. Your subscribers are salivating for more of your scintillating, spendorous speculations on slouchers, slumbering sloths and other scallawags. Make merry the miens of the myriad of morigerate minions with your mythical musings.

So, scurry off to your scriptorium and scratch out a scathing scripture!


Besides, my budgie is in severe need of a new cage liner.

jennyfifi

Re: 'The Daily Felstaff' Rebranded to hide lack of content!

Postby jennyfifi » Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:26 am UTC

Take that, you sweet thing!
Last edited by Felstaff on Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:33 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed spam links, but kept opening line because I thought it quite lovely. Deleted user.


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