a short story

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hencethus
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a short story

Postby hencethus » Fri Jun 08, 2007 2:09 am UTC

I'm looking for some constructive criticism. Let me know if you like it.

http://mwmccarthy.com/kantma/

I've been thinking about expanding it, and I wrote a second part which I don't think is very good, but I'll post it if anyone is interested.

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hencethus
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Postby hencethus » Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:41 pm UTC

So umm... anyone read it yet?

Is it rad? Lame? Mediocre?

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bbctol
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Postby bbctol » Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:13 pm UTC

It's okay, but its rather short. Nothing much happens. I love your writing style, but add more meat to it.

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Jesse
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Postby Jesse » Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:24 pm UTC

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you stylistically, but the story itself is bland.

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hencethus
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Postby hencethus » Sat Jun 09, 2007 2:59 am UTC

It's supposed to be kind of funny. Did you guys find it to be humorous?

And what'd you think of the concept? Did it make sense to you? It's supposed to make a kind of satirical point.

Is it the concept itself that's bland? Or does it just need to have more of a plot? Or is it lacking something else?

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

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DonChubby
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Postby DonChubby » Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:40 am UTC

The end had me smiling, so it's certainly humorous. But I thought it could have had more of a plot.
Other than that, I really like your writing style, and it kept me entertained while I was reading it.
So, keep it up. :D
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Earlz
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Postby Earlz » Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:25 am UTC

I didn't find much humor in it, though I did like the over-explanation of the coin in the air..(was that suppose to be humorous? lol)

I think your style is very cool too..
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hencethus
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Postby hencethus » Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:28 am UTC

Earlz wrote:I didn't find much humor in it, though I did like the over-explanation of the coin in the air..(was that suppose to be humorous? lol)

Yeah, it was supposed to be funny I guess. It's not really a Mel Brooks or Monty Python kind of thing. It's meant to be more like Douglas Adams I guess. Only there are no punch lines and it's not parody. So I guess it's not like Douglas Adams at all. I suppose it's more like Wes Anderson humor, only geekier.

But that doesn't matter, because I shouldn't have to tell you that it's funny, because if I have to do that then obviously it isn't. It's funny to me, but I'm not objective here for obvious reasons. It might just not be your kind of humor. Or maybe it's not funny to anyone but me and DonChubby.


I love your writing style...
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you stylistically...
I really like your writing style...

I think your style is very cool too...

So what's good about my style? Maybe if I knew what I was doing I could do it even better. (Or yikes! Maybe it would make me over-conscious of it and I wouldn't be able to do it. Like when you start thinking about how you breathe or how often you blink your eyes.)

And when you guys say it's bland or needs more meat, etc., what is it that's missing? Do I just need a better story?

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Postby bbctol » Sat Jun 09, 2007 2:47 pm UTC

Stylistically, the whole coin thing is good (and even funnier is when the guy falls and you repeat the metaphor just when the reader thinks you're through), and you have good, quirky sense of humor. My problem with the story is just that it's short and nothing much happens.

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Postby Teshi » Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:42 pm UTC

Very good writing. (I think that's what they mean by style. You have no grammatical issues. You write clearly, cleanly and interestingly. You vary your sentence length. Blah blah blah. Basically, you write good, dude.)

The only thing that makes me not so thrilled about this story is that the entire basis of the story is that there is, really, no story. I think that's kind of a shame because you begin very well with the coin toss. The second half of the story, with the food, doesn't really go anywhere. I may be missing something, though.

It seems to be more of an exercise in writing than a story, but, like I said above, you write well.

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Xyverous
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Postby Xyverous » Thu Jun 14, 2007 2:27 am UTC

I’m just going to do a breakdown of what I’ve asked out of the first section of the story. Please take what I say with a grain of salt. And umm, tell me if this is what you’re looking for.

Sounds like a story about experience with Kantma.

The break down of coin rotation caused me to remember a particularly painful “pennyvisionâ€

parthenos
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Re: a short story

Postby parthenos » Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:09 pm UTC

is great. keep on writing.
maybe if this signature is witty enough someone will finally love me.


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