Poets, critique my poem [trigger warning: self harm]

[Annihilist]

So I wrote a poem-type-thing and I'm looking for some constructive criticism on it.

Blood seeps from my veins
All feelings carried with it
A river of emotion
Running down my arm

I feel almost pain
Almost human
I slice again and again
And I feel so good

Slit shaped holes in my arms
Across my chest and my face
They are leaking, dear, they are leaking
I am drenched in my soul

How does it feel to be imprisoned
Within this body; within these veins
With this blade I set myself free
I no longer feel in vain

It's not meant to rhyme or be rhythmic or anything like that, so don't mention the structure. Mainly just the use of language and concepts.

If you want critiques in return (for some reason) I'll be happy to oblige.

[The Mighty Thesaurus]

If the poem is intended to be taken at face value, get help immediately. You do not need to be depressed or suicidal to create art. The myth of the tragic artist is an incredibly harmful meme that should have died out long ago.
If you aren't actually depressed, why are you trying ever so hard to give us that impression? Are you trying to be edgy? Do you think depression automatically makes something meaningful? Depression is no more a guarantee of great art than euphoria.

Lines like "I slice again and again/And I feel so good" and "Slit shaped holes in my arms" lack subtlety and grace. Your metaphors are clumsy and used inconsistently -- how can you feel anything, let alone "so good", if all feelings have been washed away? I could go on, but I would much rather go back to doing something comparatively interesting, like spinning coins.

And I know you didn't want to talk about structure, but I don't give a toss about your feelings on the matter. Without a solid understanding of art history and a firm grasp on the conventions of your chosen form, your decision to do away with those conventions is, in essence, meaningless.

[Annihilist]

[deleted]

[Annihilist]

If the poem is intended to be taken at face value, get help immediately. You do not need to be depressed or suicidal to create art. The myth of the tragic artist is an incredibly harmful meme that should have died out long ago.
If you aren't actually depressed, why are you trying ever so hard to give us that impression? Are you trying to be edgy? Do you think depression automatically makes something meaningful? Depression is no more a guarantee of great art than euphoria.

No.

I was mainly writing about the social stigma attached with it, and how everyone likes to label it as being "bad" and "awful" and other such things. Yeah, it's not a good thing, but I'm trying to give it another perspective. I'm not trying to be "edgy". Of course depression and suicide isn't "edgy" as a concept for writing. I do find it fascinating myself, but it's not about "edge" or whatever the fuck.

I was talking to a friend about one of her friends who was cutting and I thought of this idea. Don't give me that speech on how I should "get help". I'm not writing about myself. And it's not about "depression". It's not like I'm trying to be all angsty and shit, so that whiny teenagers can relate to what I'm saying or whatever. It's was an interesting perspective I thought of. I don't necessarily think that cutting is "so awful" and "always incredibly bad", and I think this is what I was reflecting on.

Lines like "I slice again and again/And I feel so good" and "Slit shaped holes in my arms" lack subtlety and grace. Your metaphors are clumsy and used inconsistently -- how can you feel anything, let alone "so good", if all feelings have been washed away? I could go on, but I would much rather go back to doing something comparatively interesting, like spinning coins.

Definitely right. I need to fix this.

And I know you didn't want to talk about structure, but I don't give a toss about your feelings on the matter. Without a solid understanding of art history and a firm grasp on the conventions of your chosen form, your decision to do away with those conventions is, in essence, meaningless.

Now, as I said, constructive criticism is what I'm looking for. You like to point out what I'm doing wrong - and you're right in doing so - but I'm looking for suggestions and ideas.

I don't want you to point out all the flaws and say "this is wrong", "don't do this" etc. It doesn't help. It's not very constructive, all it does is disassemble my work and leave a big mess for me to figure out how to put it all back together. You've successfully deconstructed what I've written and not offered any helpful suggestions as to how I should reconstruct it.

[Annihilist]

[deleted]

[Red Hal]

Alright.

Read it out loud. Not in your head, but out loud. Does it sound right? Is the phrasing awkward when it isn't meant to be? Is it smooth when you should be using hard sounds for emphasis? What are you trying to actually convey? The words you use should be informed by the "angle" you are taking. Is it a dying person's last thoughts? Is it a feeling of calm from being in control? Getting an idea about what imagery you wish to evoke in the reader is necessary because that is affected by rhyme, meter, alliteration, .... I could go on but the central idea is "What are you trying to say, and how?"

Compare the following:

Right down the dam gross-bellied frogs were cocked
On sods; their loose necks pulsed like sails. Some hopped:
The slap and plop were obscene threats. Some sat
Poised like mud grenades, their blunt heads farting.

and

Bubbles gargled delicately, bluebottles
Wove a strong gauze of sound around the smell.

Both from the same poem but both convey very different imagery.

[yurell]

I really think that could use a trigger warning for self harm.

I'm not a poet, so I can't criticise (just wanted to suggest the warning) — to me it's not a poem without perfect rhymes

[Jacque]

Moving this over to Art & Links...

[Jave D]

Well it doesn't really offer a new perspective on the whole cutting phenomenon.Body-as-prison, cutting-as-release and pain-as-a-humanizing-experience-giving-sense-of-emotions-as-escape-from-drudgery. And it comes across as romanticizing it, which tends to be what people who cut themselves do themselves and isn't something particularly good reading. Kinda has that going-for-shock-value thing that again cutters tend to love so much (lines like "I slice again and again/ And I feel so good" to which we monocle-wearing normals are probably supposed to react with stuttering horror and disgust, but really just evokes the kind of disgust one feels when a baby starts crying obnoxiously again. More annoyance than horror). So overall it's fairly blah to me.

[z4lis]

My opinion is fairly worthless, but I'll give it to you. First, know that I almost always favor taking out words and phrases that aren't doing much, so here's the minimum I would leave in the poem:

Blood seeps from my veins
all feelings carried with it
a river of emotion
running down my arm

I feel almost pain
almost human
I slice again
So good

Slit shaped holes in my arms
across my chest, my face
They are leaking, dear,
I am drenched in my soul

How does it feel to be imprisoned
within this body; within these veins
With this blade I free myself
I no longer feel in vain

The end of the second stanza just had too many "ands" for me, and the phrase "I feel so good" just seems overused and doesn't really convey much. Perhaps you could keep whole line if you replaced it with something more descriptive, like "I feel X" or "I am X", where X is some juicy word.

For the third stanza, once again I dropped an "and". I like the sss sounds in the stanza, perhaps some word swapping can bring it back in for the last line. Especially since I don't feel like "drenched" is working. I do, however, like the image of the soul and the blood being one and the same. Perhaps you could incorporate that elsewhere in the poem.

Fourth stanza: the question doesn't really make sense. You introduce another person in the third stanza by referring to "dear" and then ask them about your body. Are you talking to yourself? If so, make it clearer. If not, who is this person? Readers get distracted by weird inconsistencies like that. (At least, I did.) I think that being "imprisoned // within these veins" is more vivid than being "imprisoned // within this body" and less overused. It gives me the image of veins being ropes or chains or something, actually restraining you. Perhaps that could be developed more. And I don't really understand the last line.

Here's "my version", with lots of things removed.

Spoiler:

A stream of blood
bears emotion
down my arm

I feel pain
almost human
Slice again

My soul leaks from
Slit shaped holes
across my arms, my chest
I am drenched, my dear

I'm imprisoned
within these veins.
This blade can
cut them loose

But I still don't particularly like the last stanza. Perhaps remove it?