I've posted the first twenty+ strips below. Love to have feedback on the strip and/or site at schizmatic.com. Thankee.
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You haven't really felt peer pressure until you've had seven billion bodies smoosh your jellified organs out of your own orifices.
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In Star Wars IV, Luke Skywalker believes he can destroy the Death Star with a single incredibly precise shot because he "used to bullseye womp rats" in his T-16 skyhopper back home on Tatooine.
This is an example of using analogous personal experiential evidence -- to prove that the savior of the galaxy was cheap white trash.
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Vegan Buddha: "All the world is sorrowful."
Vegetarian Buddha: "Sure, but a little less so when drenched in melted jalapeno cheddar."
If Vegan Buddha sits on a lotus flower, then Vegetarian Buddha sits on a blooming onion.
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A week ago, he chipped his fingernail on the glass, and ever since, he's been insanely obsessed with catching the fish's attention.
I do the same thing with dogs in parked cars. Also, bank tellers, drive-thru clerks, and newborns in maternity wards.
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This is why if you ever call someone a Nazi, you'd better have the time machine to back it up.
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My lolcat also toys with my mice before destroying them. And indulges in fruitless forum debates over "Tweeter" vs "Twitterer."
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The most poignant aspect of the human race getting exterminated by extraterrestrials is that our Spacebook page will just go on into eternity showing "No results found" on our Friends page.
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Eating sushi with a fork? I'm pretty sure that's a flagrant violation of the ancient samurai bushido code, requiring seppuku with a spork.
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I always bring a 20-foot platform ladder to the movies with me in case I want to share my own critique. It's infinitely better than Blogger.
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"Hey, give me some space, Robot, you're smothering me -- WITH YOUR TITANIUM-MOLYBDENUM ARTICULATED SERVO MODULES!!"
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And yet, most of the users' self-comments still consisted of: "FAAIL!! SUX 2BU LUSARR!! ROFTLLL!@!!"
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Don't worry: the aliens only raise Non-Genetically-Modified humans for slaughter. Though, they do feed us with leftover people parts. And the defrosting process is pretty horrific. Not to mention, the man-sized microwaves.
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Yes, there's an external reality. But turns out, it's just Gene Roddenberry's dream.
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It's hard to moan when you're lmao-ing. And worrying about "venerable" disease.
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And with my morbid fondness for zombie movies, I'd make an even worse/better anesthesiologist.
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You might recognize the final scene from Easy Rider in this strip, but I'm pretty sure you've never read the Aesop's fable in which an elephant sodomizes a donkey.
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this is my second
haiku, it's better than my first --
whoops, nope, I fucked up
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Silly as it seems, there's a goofy elegance to sex with flags that can make even upside-down doggie-style seem like a balletic pas de deux.
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This is really the next step in CAPTCHA systems: testing for genuine human emotion. And implementation should actually be fairly simple, combining facial recognition, psychometric analysis, and inebriated tweets.
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This is the upside of annihilating ourselves in planetary apocalypse:
no slum tourism by douches from the future. Huzzah.
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Warning to minors: vampires love getting double-buzzed on underage drinkers.
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Warning: using provisional synthetic elements like Ununquadium and Ununhexium can yield enormous scores, but also increase the likelihood of challenges, arguments, and brane-flipping by sibling deities.
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Sadly, in that reality, we'd all have clean-energy cars and bioengineered dragon wings by now.
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You know you're a real stickler if every time someone misuses Occam's Razor, you want to slit your wrists and/or their throat with it.
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The knife's specs originally included a reamer with sewing eye, but engineers removed it considering how potentially dangerous it could be.
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If you thought nerds were loathed now, just wait until a linear accelerator wipes out the whole world. Fortunately, atomic wedgies are no match for quantum gravity.
