Awesome Teacher Quotes

The school experience. School related queries, discussions, and stories that aren't specific to a subject.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Pirate.Bondage » Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:35 pm UTC

He probably wasn't the first to say this but my math teacher said "Lower your expectations, and you will find satisfaction."

It made me happy.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The-Rabid-Monkey » Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:37 pm UTC

Just finished reading this entire thread, some nice quotes here.

Chemistry year 12-
Mr.T - "I Vant to suck your blood!" (Explaining that SCN put into a solution containing iron makes a blood red mixture)
Student - "He's mad..."
Mr.T - "Mad!? YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF MADNESS!"

Mr.T - "So basically, if you had one mol of marbles, you would have six universes containing one hundred galaxies. Each galaxy would contain one hundred solar systems. Each solar system would contain 100 planets. Each planet would have 100 wharfs. Each wharf would have 100 containers, and each container would have a thousand marbles!" Opps, I fail at remembering well ;)

Mr.T - "So basically, if you had one mol of marbles, you would have six hundred universes containing one thousand galaxies. Each galaxy would contain one thousand solar systems. Each solar system would contain one thousand planets. Each planet would have one thousand wharfs. Each wharf would have one thousand containers, and each container would have a million marbles!"

Mr.T - "When I detonate this, the LPG rocket will fire into the air with a loud bang."
*Detonates, resulting in a VERY loud bang* *We all look up, see nothing, and look down again at the shredded remains of a 1.5litre coke bottle*
Mr.T - "Opps."

Maths, I forget which year.
Teacher - "YES! Even a rubber chicken to the power of zero will equal one!"
Student - "So my mum to the power of zero would equal one?"
Teacher - "No, she's huge, it'd be more like eight."

Biology year 11
Teacher - "So if we here were to hypothetically be cut off from the world, and hypothetically mate, there would be exponential growth as our population increased. BUT, along comes Mr.Aids, and then the population will decrease at a exponential rate as each and every one of us contracts aids and dies." - Explaining bacterial growth in a petri dish.

Year 10 science
Mr.Carswell - "It appears we have twenty minutes left of the period and nothing left to do, suggestions?"
Student - "LETS BLOW SOMETHING UP!"
Mr.Carswell - "No, that's boring. LETS BLOW MULTIPLE THINGS UP."

Mr.Carswell loved blowing things up, when he was here, it was entirely common place to here a very loud and almighty BANG every now and then as he set off LPG bombs, Wax bombs, Dry Ice bombs, added too much sodium to a tank of water or just found something that he decided would explode and exploded it.

EDIT: accidentally put "divided by zero" instead of "to the power of zero". Could not sleep, had to turn computer at 3:40am in order to correct so I could sleep.
Last edited by The-Rabid-Monkey on Sat Nov 15, 2008 2:00 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:07 pm UTC

The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Teacher - "YES! Even a rubber chicken to the power of zero will equal one!"

Hehe, I gotta remember that one.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Alpha Omicron » Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:30 pm UTC

Monika wrote:
The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Teacher - "YES! Even a rubber chicken to the power of zero will equal one!"

Hehe, I gotta remember that one.

What if the rubber chicken is equal to zero, hmm?
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby masher » Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:39 pm UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
Monika wrote:
The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Teacher - "YES! Even a rubber chicken to the power of zero will equal one!"

Hehe, I gotta remember that one.

What if the rubber chicken is equal to zero, hmm?


Well, Google says it's one....

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Alpha Omicron » Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:31 pm UTC

masher wrote:Well, Google says it's one....

Wow. So it does. Well, Google is wrong folks. 'Cause 0^0 is an indeterminate form.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby masher » Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:25 am UTC

Yeah, Google made me check. My calculator said "Error 2" and my textbooks said "indeterminate".

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Alpha Omicron » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:11 am UTC

Bug report for great justice.
EDIT: Turns out I can't figure out how to submit a bug report to Google.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby BlackSails » Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:46 am UTC

I cant find it either.

++$_
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby ++$_ » Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:02 am UTC

The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Mr.T - "So basically, if you had one mol of marbles, you would have six universes containing one hundred galaxies. Each galaxy would contain one hundred solar systems. Each solar system would contain 100 planets. Each planet would have 100 wharfs. Each wharf would have 100 containers, and each container would have a thousand marbles!"
I'd be happier with this if it were correct:
[math]6 \times 100 \times 100 \times 100 \times 100 \times 100 \times 1000 = 6 \times 10^{13} << 6 \times 10^{23}[/math]

Alpha Omicron wrote:
masher wrote:Well, Google says it's one....

Wow. So it does. Well, Google is wrong folks. 'Cause 0^0 is an indeterminate form.
No, Google is right. The indeterminate form 0^0 is not the same as the number 0^0, which is usually defined to be equal to one for combinatorial reasons. As Graham, Knuth, and Patashnik wrote, "Some textbooks leave the quantity 0^0 undefined, because the functions x^0 and 0^x have different limiting values when x decreases to 0. But this is a mistake. We must define x^0 = 1, for all x, if the binomial theorem is to be valid when x = 0, y = 0, and/or x = −y. The binomial theorem is too important to be arbitrarily restricted! By contrast, the function 0^x is quite unimportant."

In other words, the reason the limit, as x approaches 0, of 0^x is not equal to 0^0 is simply because 0^x is not a continuous function at 0.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Tautology » Fri Nov 14, 2008 11:29 am UTC

I have a giant collection of quotes from lecturers. Most sound a little less funny when taken out of context, but here are some that I'll always keep close to my heart.


"I like democracy. However, I is Russian. My idea of democracy come from Stalin." - Our Russian maths modelling lecturer explaining why he asks specific people questions in class.

"And lets say that on each end of this pole, there is a tiny little midget, each with a little clock!" - Relativity lecturer explaining the 'pole in the barn' paradox. He went on to talk about "Midget B" being horribly crushed when he hit the wall of the barn.

"And suppose that one of these friends has a laser gun, and you tell him to shoot your other friend." - Same lecturer, giving an example of the speed of information.

"And what this means is that everyone in this room is attracted to everyone else in the room. And that's not just the people closest to you, or the people far away. That's the tables and the chairs, too. For example, I'm attracted to this projector." - Mechanics lecturer explaining gravity.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:51 pm UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
Monika wrote:
The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Teacher - "YES! Even a rubber chicken to the power of zero will equal one!"

Hehe, I gotta remember that one.

What if the rubber chicken is equal to zero, hmm?

A rubber chicken is obviously not zero.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The-Rabid-Monkey » Sat Nov 15, 2008 1:53 am UTC

++$_ wrote:
The-Rabid-Monkey wrote:Mr.T - "So basically, if you had one mol of marbles, you would have six universes containing one hundred galaxies. Each galaxy would contain one hundred solar systems. Each solar system would contain 100 planets. Each planet would have 100 wharfs. Each wharf would have 100 containers, and each container would have a thousand marbles!"
I'd be happier with this if it were correct:
[math]6 \times 1000 \times 1000 \times 1000 \times 1000 \times 1000 \times 1000000 = 6 \times 10^{13} << 6 \times 10^{23}[/math]


Hmm, I fear I may have buggered that quote. I think it maybe have been 600 Universes, 1000 Galaxies, 1000 solar systems, 1000 planets, 1000 wharfs, 1000 containers and 1000000 marbles in each container.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - Salvor Hardin, From Isaac Asimov's "Foundation".

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby hi! » Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:52 am UTC

"Since I am a philosopher, I am above the material plane. My emotions are more like those of an angel. Or a cat."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Synthuir » Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:55 am UTC

hi! wrote:"Since I am a philosopher, I am above the material plane. My emotions are more like those of an angel. Or a cat."


I object, that was perfectly normal, especially if he was in close proximity to a cat!

Cats actually tend to have very... blatant emotions...they look disinterested, tired, purring/happy, and hungry, and that's about it. But they is still soooo sute! And kitties! They is also 2 cute!!!
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Thomometophobia » Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:05 am UTC

Ok.. Music Theory teacher.. upon seeing a guy eating in the music foyer (Forbidden).
Right so he goes up to him, picks him up by the shoulders (This teacher was huge), carries him outside, for a good 50-60 metres, then dumps him in a rubbish bin..
Teacher: "And don't come back you little terror"
Student A: "What the hell are you doing?"
Teacher: "That's what she said.. Your mum when she walked in on you last night"

It was classic.. There was a massive crowd at this point.. All burst out laughing. Surprisingly the dude kept his job.

Another time:
So there was some superficial prat in my mathematics class:
Student: (Said to someone) You're so ugly, why don't you just die!"
Teacher: "Woah! Calm down. It's only a reflection"

.. I love mathematics.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Ashi » Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:46 pm UTC

Thomometophobia wrote:Another time:
So there was some superficial prat in my mathematics class:
Student: (Said to someone) You're so ugly, why don't you just die!"
Teacher: "Woah! Calm down. It's only a reflection"

.. I love mathematics.


I hereby nominate said teacher for a teacher of the decade award.

(I absolutely abhor people making fun of others' looks; I'm confident in my body, flaws and all, but some people can be pushed to unhealthy eating/exercising patterns with a few snide remarks)
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Shakleton » Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:33 pm UTC

Warning: Post contains poor translations of physic-terms. No guarantee for correctness.

Since my school does not have enough people for a higher level physics class in my year and neither does the school right next door, the two schools put their "physicists" together and formed one course. Which is super-awesome since I now get to have a physics teacher whom I normally would never have had. And he's great. Always for a joke, knows his stuff and does also know how to teach.

Last week we were discussing charge density. And he asked us how charge density would be defined. Well, not really a hard question so we replied "Q / A". Now, the German letter Q is pronounced like the German word "Kuh" wich means "cow". So our teacher writes "Kuh / A" to the blackboard. Small laugh in the class.

Teacher goes on with the lesson. Somehow like this:

"And as you see, sigma is the symbol for charge density. Our speculation is that sigma is somehow related to E, the ..... wait a minute..... Don't move. I'll be right back!"

He runs out of the classroom and returns five minutes later with a sheet in his hands. He says: "Here, this one is great. A friend of mine actually placed this as a test. Listen!"

What followed is the following physics test:

PHYSICS QUESTIONS

Constant: m(cow) = 400 kg

Dynamics:
1. A cow galops accelerated (a=3m/s²) towards another, resting cow from a certain distance. (V0=0m/s). In the resulting inelastic collision, 90 % of the kinetic energy are transformed into deformation. Calculate the deformation against inrun distance and plot the relation graphically.

Electricity:
1. The cow now bites into an electric fence. (U=40V) A measuring device registrates a current of 0.5 mA through the cow. How big is the ohmic resistance of the cow?

2. The same cow is now put into a series circuit with a coil (L=0.5H) and put to alternating current of 50 Hz. Calculate the electrical impedance Z of this RL-component and the phase angle j between current and voltage in which the resistance of the coil is to be neglected.

Quantum mechanics:
1. The cow is on pasture land which is marked off through a fence. The fence is build optimal so that the cow can not pass it (classically). Give reasons why there still is a chance of finding the outside the pasture land!

2. In violating the conservation of energy, it is possible after the uncertainty principle for virtual particles to occur. Calculate the lifespan of a virtual cow.

3. "Schroedinger's cow". A man locks a cow into a fall-out shelter from where no information can get to the outside. The cow is now dead and alive (not "either ... or"!) for a spectator. Explain the apparent contradiction.

4. Calculate the De-Broglie-wavelength of a cow, which galops with v=10 m/s on pasture land. Up to which magnitude could somebody using this wave in microscopy resolute structures? Why are there no cows used in structure science?

Core physics:
1. The cow on the pasture land gripes 2 kg of radioactive grass with a K-40-content of 0.01% for 8 hours. During this time the cow diverges 1 kg of cow droppings per hour. (The k-40-content of the droppings is approximated 0.01% as well.) Calculate the number of K-40-Atoms in the cow three weeks after finishing the griping while making reasonable approximations. (Taken the fact that the cow also stops the diverging in this time)




I think this was hilarious. We all could hardly stay on our seats. :D
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby xanich » Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:49 pm UTC

My math-teacher, "I may be short, but I carry a big stick".
Hehehehe.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Cynical Idealist » Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:42 am UTC

Thomometophobia wrote:Surprisingly the dude kept his job.

A math teacher I had my Senior year lost his job to a similar incident. This student was being a total prick, and then...
Teacher: "You know what? No. Get out of my classroom and go to the dean's office."
Student: "Are you going to make me?"
Teacher: demonstrates that he is quite capable of making the student go to the dean's office by picking him up out of his desk and dragging him there.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:06 pm UTC

Cool cow physics teacher :) .
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Lenary » Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:44 pm UTC

i dunno if i'll ever be able to post to this thread, because there is an absolute eejit in my classes that insists on telling the jokes about 3 hours before the teachers get to somewhere apt for them.
The upside of this, is that there is someone else in my class who is prepared to make bad puns about everything. when i say bad, these ones actually steam.

anyway... thankfully i have a few classes w/o the eejit, so i can recount some of those quotes :)

Chemistry:
Dr W: I didn’t steal your pen - I merely borrowed it until it ran out.

Dr W: This is the David Beckam of the organic acid world (IIRC, talking about a carboxylic acid. I lost him at this point due to the number of football references)

Dr W: It’s hard, but as the staff proved when they won all five football matches against the pupils last night, it could do this… (explaining how a carboxylic anion can juggle the electron between it’s oxygens)

History
(I don't take it, but a few assembelies were very funny)
Mr McD: Georgia: Like Italy but without the reputation for organised crime and sexual harassment.

Mr McD: To be honest, these two had been fairly savagely beaten with the ugly-stick. Quite why they thought I’d have sex with them nobody knows. And why they thought i’d pay for it was another matter

Mr McD: Girls, I’m sorry, these guys were gayer than a box-set of Sex in the City

Mr McD: So, Like any good historian, I wanted to visit the birthplace of the worlds biggest mass-murderer. Stalin.

Theory of Knowledge
Dr C: well, i might have a girlfriend who i want to have sex with. for those of you who have just woken up, i don’t actually have a girlfriend, but anyway… i might have a gf… (on ethics. he's married)

Dr C: MS Publisher makes things look bright and beautiful, which is fab. Even in monochrome

Mr F: I will open up the Extended Essay house of fun at …

Techie Group
Sam: Lol, it looks as if there is an eletric wire coming out your ass in this picture
Mr D: No, that's my tapeworm
(we were doing mockups for a show, which i was documenting. fun fun fun

Physics
This was an e-mail conversation circulated to all the teachers. The head of physics showed it to us
IT Teacher: For any of you who need them, i have a selection of AA and AAA batteries available for remote controls for projectors and the like
Physics Teacher (Not Head of Physics): I would like to remark that these are not actually batteries, but cells. Now, being a pedantic physics teacher, i'm off to weigh myself in Newtons
The Physics teacher is a legend, and also my housemaster. I think he had a completely free day so was very bored

when i get more i'll post them
i'm jet to find the only good one to come from my physics teacher... i'll post it later

FYI, they're all also on http://lenary.tumblr.com/ (My tumblog)
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Aurora » Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:07 am UTC

My AP American History teacher was giving us a lecture this morning, like she does every class period. I honestly love this teacher. She's so great with lectures, they're always so interesting.

Anyway, we were talking about the second great awakening and the Millerites. All of a sudden she stops, and goes;

"Seriously, guys, this stuff is freaky. Regular Halloween material! There is NO book scarier than the bible!"
Then she went on with the lecture as if nothing had happened.

The way she said it had the entire class laughing, and me sobbing. I laughed and quickly regretted it due to bruised ribs!

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby thatguy » Tue Nov 18, 2008 4:27 am UTC

In College Psych:
Mr. S, reading a problem:
Correct text:"Eric thinks he has a lucky green pen last time he used it, [...] and he loaned to to Jill, who agreed to go out on a date..."
What he read:"Eric thinks he has a lucky green pen last time he used it, [...] and he loaned to to Jill, who agreed to put out" The whole class burst out laughing at this point.

Today we took a "field trip" to the bathrooms and my friend whips out his phone and gets a picture of him, Mr. S, and a toilet. I laughed so hard I cried.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby kinigget » Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:20 pm UTC

aurora wrote:"Seriously, guys, this stuff is freaky. Regular Halloween material! There is NO book scarier than the bible!"
Then she went on with the lecture as if nothing had happened.

this reminds me of my ACW teacher. who once stopped in the middle of class and went on an extended rant about the estate tax, and right-wing bullshit pertaining to said tax. It was truly an amazing experience.

(note: the computers in the engineering center have much nicer keyboards than my laptop, this pleases me.)
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Silvyr » Wed Nov 19, 2008 3:00 am UTC

** In pre-calc **

Me: Hey Frey.. what did I miss yesterday?
Mr. Frey: A big religious discussion.
Me: *cocks head to side and gives quizzical look*
Frey: Yeah... the stuff was really hard and a bunch of people started crying and asking god for help. If you have questions, ask a friend. If your friends can't help, get better friends. Oh. Or come ask me I guess. I'll be a much better friend.

~~~~~

Logan: Yeah.. But I assumed -
Frey: Hey! You know about making assumptions!
Logan: Yeah yeah yeah..
Frey: To assume yadda, yadda, yadda, Amy's an ass.
Amy: *looks up from notes* Wha? What did I do??

~~~~~

Peas: Hey.. you missed your squared *points to board*
Frey: Hey. Shut up. Don't be rude. My marker died and I was walking to get a new one. Now I have a new one *holds up same marker* and I can finish it.
Logan: Hey! When my homework's not finished it's cos I ran out of ink and had to go get another one but it got turned in before I could write the rest out.
Frey: No. Don't steal my lame-ass jokes to cover for your laziness!
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Mysidic » Wed Nov 19, 2008 3:08 am UTC

From my programming in C teacher:

Somebody had found a way to look into a webcam of a preschool.

student: Mr.M, Mike is looking into little girl's rooms!
Mr.M: That's because he has no luck in big girls rooms!

From world history:

Sarah: "is there anything i can do with this timeline?"
Mr.S: "yeah. start a small fire."

Sarah: "are you a roller coaster kinda guy Mr. S?"
Mr.S: "I don't even think thats a meaningful distinction between human beings."

Mr.S "Hey, anyone know why fire trucks are red? Fire trucks have six wheels and six firefighters; six plus six equals twelve. There are twelve inches to a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The QUEEN ELIZABETH is one of the finest ships to sail the seven seas. Seas have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. Fire trucks are always rushin'. That's why fire trucks are red!"
Sarah: "are you twelve?"

Lily: "You know I've never had mountain dew before."
Mr.S: "Today's not the day for first times. Im telling ya its a gateway drug. Today Mountain Dew, tomorrow Crack Cocaine"
(later that exam block...)
Lily: "I don't really like this but I can't stop drinking it"
Mr.S: "ha see! first mountain dew, then powerdrinks, then red bull, then meth. Gateway drug"


From English:
Jason: "But I don't have a writing utensil"
Mr.H: "Then write it with your BLOOD!"

From my US govt class:
Miss P:"So, I got distracted and never really finished the notes on presidential involvement in foreign policy. We'll watch Dr. Strangelove to replace my lecture."

All names were changed.
*edited to reflect what Mike actually was watching.
Last edited by Mysidic on Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:03 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby lostabyss » Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:52 am UTC

IPC teacher in one of our first weeks of rants/discussions on science: "you know us guys are like cavemen and can only do one thing at a time, but we do it well. on the other hand though, girls are insane at multitasking. like they can be talking to friends and listen to like 30 different conversations going on around them so they might just turn around and go 'Bitch!' (this got some attention and funny faces of people not used to a teacher cussing) and just turn back like it was nothing. if that ever happens to you, she probably heard someone behind her call her ugly or something."

"let me get my tweasers of science."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Wed Nov 19, 2008 6:54 pm UTC

What's IPC?
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Synthuir » Thu Nov 20, 2008 11:07 pm UTC

Integrated Physics and Chemistry.
Randall Munroe wrote:Google has solved my problem of urination.
crzftx wrote:You [theoretically] stepped through paper^-1, and called it paper. Maybe you can theoretically step through 1/2, but you've done nothing with paper.

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Silvyr
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Silvyr » Fri Nov 21, 2008 4:51 am UTC

** in Writing for Media [the class that puts out the school paper] **

Kelli [editor]: Whoo! We made deadline! And theres no school next week, so no rushing today!
Mrs. Oeffling: YEAH! And to celebrate... WE'RE HAVING A WHISTLE-OFF!!!! *jumps up and down*
Class: uhm..? whut? XD
Mrs. O: Oh c'mon!!! Get up here!! I'm gonna show you up! *three students challenge her and go stand at the front of the room*
Mrs. O: okay okay.. so this is what we're doing. All day. I don't care. You're gonna lose and I want to watch! So all day we'll do this contest! *Ian walks into class 5 minutes late now eating* So someone will give us a song and We'll take turns whistling it and whoever flubs up is the LOSER!!!!! Then I'll be here all cool *Ian starts talking* And... IAN! Shut up!! We're having a whistling contest! Shut your mouth with your food that you're late to class with.
Ian: OH! ANOTHER fat joke?
Spoiler:
past reference: she accidentally insulted his weight in class whilst planning a trip to a factory full of moon bounces for fear that he might be over the limit. Ian is not fat. He's HUGE though. Like.. 6 foot 2ish.. maybe 3. And he's a football player and wrestler. So he's got some serious mass going on, and he's an intimidating 245 pounds. XD Except he's an adorable comic book nerd [not even joking, he uses a little kid's Spiderman backpack and reads comics] XD but yeah.

Mrs. O: Shut up. GIMME A SONG!

*after the four doing Mary had a little lamb, her doing a solo of Free Bird, they do the star spangled banner*
Mrs. O: seriously? I dunno if I can hit that high note.. *tries and fails* okay okay! Just kidding! redo! I'll start lower so it sounds higher :D *completes song, but kinda iffyish*
Lauren: Ahh. I dunno if I can do this *starts whistling, but theres a few loose strands of hair in her face so her twin sister, sitting in the front row, goes up and starts fixing her hair XDD. Lauren loses her place* whut? ah! Can I help you Rachel? *rachel moving back to seat, satisfied with her sisters appearance now*
Rachel: Oh. Right. Sorry. Your hair.. it was in your face and bothering me. Continue.
*lauren finishes and does slightly better than teacher, then Emily goes, who is perfect at everything [just throwing it out there]*

*Emily hits the super high notes, and carries out the song flawlessly. All the while Mrs. O is in the corner her jawed dropped getting red, stomping her feet and casting a sneer at Emily everytime she hits the notes Mrs. O couldn't*

Mrs. O: AH! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! C'MON EMILY!! This was MY thing! You knit! You win contests! You whistle! Can you bake? *gets all hopeful*
Emily: yeah.. I love that..
Mrs. O: Grrrr. Can you [names something else]?
Emily: Yeah.. I can do that well too.
Mrs. O: YEAH. WELL *sticks tongue out* CAN YOU SHOOT A LAYUP? HUH HUH? CAN YOU SHOOT A LAYUP ZAWACKI?!!?!
Emily: uhm.. no.. I can't play sports.
Mrs. O: BOOYAH! I CAN! Hear that? That's right! I can shoot layups and YOUUUUUU can't!


XDD I love my teacher's immaturity.
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Turtle_
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Turtle_ » Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:07 am UTC

My Spanish teacher was talking about how children are always told to use their words instead of their fists and such, so she told us a story about her son. One day she received a call and someone told her that her son was in trouble and she had to pick him up. Her son was in first grade at the time, so he was about six years old. Someone had been giving her child a hard time, so instead of hitting the person back he said "Your mother is like a TV set." The other kid asked why. Her son replied "Even a five year old can turn her on." When my teacher was talking to her son she said "Next time this happens just beat the crap out of him. I want to have to come to school for a real reason." :D

In spanish we were discussing how the potato affected the world and other things about the potato. The teacher mentioned how some Europeans believed potatos had aphrodisiac properties. Someone asked what that meant, and the teacher said "Let's put it this way, you wouldn't need to refill your subscripition for Viagra. Oh look! That woke <student> up! Now your mother will be wondering why you started asking for potatos every night."

This next joke is technically a Spanish joke (as in language, not racism), but only the punch line really needs to be Spanish.
A boy's parents go in for a parent teacher conference and ask how the student is doing. The teacher replies "He is like a fish in the water." The mother is confused and asks again "What is my child doing?" The teacher replies "Nada."
(Nada is spanish for nothing, and for swimming.)

"What conditions.... under which.. your add method will be challenged? ... That made no sense...." - My computer programming teacher.

I think a student was messing around in class, so the teacher made "EPIC FAIL" appear in huge letters on his monitor.

I might have posted these next ones here, but they're very funny still. They're from a few years ago.

One student who was trying to waste class time said "Mr. Edwards, would you like a baby hampster?" The teacher replied "Why thank you for the offer dear, but I'm afraid I'm not very hungry right now." The student was mortified.

After someone asked a stupid question: "Hear that? It's the sound of a falling grade."

The teacher in this story actually taught at another school, but was being a chaperone for my school's eigth grade trip to boston. We were in groups with people who we were working on a project with, and wandering around near MIT. The trip was for people in this Math/Science/Computer Science program at the school, so everyone was slightly nerdy. When our all-male group saw a group of our friends (also all-male (the school had all people in a group be the same gender since we were staying in a hotel room with our group members)) we started walking over to them. Their chaperone said "Oh no you don't! You guys are never going to get dates if you keep this up!" He said plenty of other funny things but sadly I've forgotten most of them....
"Sometimes lies were more dependable than the truth." ~ Ender's Game
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge." ~ Charles Darwin

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the tree
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby the tree » Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:43 am UTC

In a probability lecture, we were doing some integral to find a generating function of some sort.
"so as you can see this integral is quite difficult [blah blah blah] so if I rearrange the exponents [blah blah blah] then we find that [blah blah blah] so now can we do this integral?... ... ... YES WE CAN!"

BigBoss
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby BigBoss » Sun Nov 23, 2008 6:24 pm UTC

in our choir class we had to sing a song from lord of the rings, and it was in elvish. he was explaining how to pronounce a word and said " just say meth without the th."
You don't give up hope just because something's hopeless. You cover up your ears, and talk really loud.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Sir_Elderberry » Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:29 pm UTC

the tree wrote:In a probability lecture, we were doing some integral to find a generating function of some sort.
"so as you can see this integral is quite difficult [blah blah blah] so if I rearrange the exponents [blah blah blah] then we find that [blah blah blah] so now can we do this integral?... ... ... YES WE CAN!"


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gailadams
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby gailadams » Mon Nov 24, 2008 1:38 am UTC

The following happened this year in my AP French class. Our teacher is always very proper and by the book. She was actually raised in France, and still has a noticeable accent...

We were having a French foods day (basically an excuse to eat during class) and somehow got on the topic of alcohol...perhaps after dinner drinks? I believe we were talking about absinthe for whatever reason.

Kate: Yeah, it's called the "Green Fairy" or something.
Madams: Mhm, tastes like anus.

What she meant to say was ANISE but with the accent, well, it just didn't sound like that at all. Our entire class was crying in fits of laughter and incapable of speaking for several minutes....

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Monika
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:11 am UTC

BigBoss wrote:in our choir class we had to sing a song from lord of the rings, and it was in elvish. he was explaining how to pronounce a word and said " just say meth without the th."

That's already hilarious without the meth quote :) .
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby josephoenix » Mon Nov 24, 2008 6:51 pm UTC

Sir_Elderberry wrote:
the tree wrote:In a probability lecture, we were doing some integral to find a generating function of some sort.
"so as you can see this integral is quite difficult [blah blah blah] so if I rearrange the exponents [blah blah blah] then we find that [blah blah blah] so now can we do this integral?... ... ... YES WE CAN!"


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That was genius. I think i might be in love.
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Mr.RobLikesBrunch
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Mr.RobLikesBrunch » Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:56 pm UTC

It snowed the other day, so some kid decided it was a good idea to go to the field and draw a HUGE penis in the snow.

So, I get into chem class and I start laughing and my chem teacher already saw it and he was laughing as well. So this other girl comes in and looks out the window and says:

"What...? Why did someone draw a basketball court in the snow"

and my chem teacher says

"That's not a basketball court, it's a PENIS"

As a result, my teacher makes a lot of obscure references to basketball courts in class.

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b1ackcat
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby b1ackcat » Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:54 pm UTC

I don't know if you can call this "funny" so much as sad, but my calc3 prof's english is so bad that he can't understand any question anyone asks him.
The worst part though, is the day he "taught" us spherical coordinates.
I didn't know that phi, theta, and r (go figure?), could all be called theta as long as you pointed to which one you were talking about.
OH and first day when he went over vectors, apparantly in Brazil, x y and z are all referred to as x. I swear to god, he was pointing at a 3-dimensional point (x,y,z) on the board and said "and this point, x, x, x" as he moved his finger to each variable.




On a unrelated note, the entire class (save 2 math prodigy's who are teaching themselves and getting 4.0's) is failing.

oh there's another quote,
on my latest visit to the math department to file a complaint on the unfair, no-partial-credit grading style my prof uses, I got this response from the director of the class:

If you spent as much time studying as you do whining about your professor, you'd be getting a better grade.


(it was the second time I'd ever been in that office to file a complaint, and the first time I'd spoken with this man).



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