Awesome Teacher Quotes

[The Scyphozoa]

French teacher: "To remember the gender of copain and copine, just think: guys are a pain, and girls smell like pine cones."

The usual joke in French is a bit different : with your copain you share pain (French for bread), with your copine you share your pine (slang for penis).

...I just had a facepalm-jawdrop.

Fawplop?

[Pansori]

The other day my Social Deviance teacher read us some poetry he transcribed from the university's bathroom wall:

"Two hot holes waiting for your six incher."

"Ready to suck and fuck all night, cum at 6."

"Big dick, big balls, suck me hard I'll cream your mouth."

The class lecture was on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tearoom_Trade so his readings were relevant to the topic at hand.

[Monika]

The other day my Social Deviance teacher

You have subject "Social Deviance"?

[Pansori]

Yes, mostly Crim and Soc majors take it, but I decided to enroll because I heard it is an amazing class. And it is.

[TheChewanater]

My biology teacher wrote "penis" on the board the first day of school in the middle of class. Not that it was relevant to anything that day, her justification was just that she's allowed to do that because she's a bio teacher.

[darkspork]

The first thing my professor for Physics I said this semester:

Everything I am about to teach you is complete bullshit. Seriously. Had you taken this course twenty years ago, you would have learned some other bullshit, and I am certain that this same class twenty years from now will teach different bullshit. This bullshit is good enough to aim a rocket at the edge of a crater on Mars and hit it, but we still have no fucking idea why.

The guy looks and acts a whole lot like George Carlin from his later years.

Physics is the answer to the important questions: What is matter? What is light? Why is this book red? Why is her blouse magenta? Why is your ass so flat?

He then proceeded to draw two outlines of buttocks on the board.

This will be a fun class.

[Monika]

My biology teacher wrote "penis" on the board the first day of school in the middle of class. Not that it was relevant to anything that day, her justification was just that she's allowed to do that because she's a bio teacher.

In middle school

The first thing my professor for Physics I said this semester:

Everything I am about to teach you is complete bullshit. Seriously. Had you taken this course twenty years ago, you would have learned some other bullshit, and I am certain that this same class twenty years from now will teach different bullshit. This bullshit is good enough to aim a rocket at the edge of a crater on Mars and hit it, but we still have no fucking idea why.

The guy looks and acts a whole lot like George Carlin from his later years.

Physics is the answer to the important questions: What is matter? What is light? Why is this book red? Why is her blouse magenta? Why is your ass so flat?

He then proceeded to draw two outlines of buttocks on the board.

This will be a fun class.

Sure sounds like it

[TheChewanater]

My biology teacher wrote "penis" on the board the first day of school in the middle of class. Not that it was relevant to anything that day, her justification was just that she's allowed to do that because she's a bio teacher.

In middle school

No, high school. I said in the middle of class.

[Tyaust]

In chemistry my teacher was telling us about the lovely people at IUPAC and there constant changes to naming rules. To quote him: "If any of you are in Holland when IUPAC are having a meeting, please bomb them." There's nothing like having your teacher encourage you to blow up chemists!

[Monika]

No, high school. I said in the middle of class.

Oops, misread that.

[hintss]

in science:
(t for teacher, c for distributed answers across class)

t: we have some time left, so I have a quick demonstration
t: this is a normal mason jar, but I replaced the lid with this metal screen
(goes to sink at back of class)
t: now, I'll fill it with water
(fills it with water through the screen)
t: isn't that amazing?
c: noo...
(pours out some water through the screen)
t: isn't that amazing?
c: what???
(goes to front of room)
(puts bit of card on top of jar, flips it over)
t: what do you think will happen when I take my hand off the card?
c: nothing...
(takes hand out from under card, nothing happens)
t: isn't that amazing?
c: no...
t: guys, you knew that wasn't the demo, right??
(class is puzzled)
t: THIS is the demo
(pulls card off jar, nothing happens)
t: well, of course the water stays in when the card it there, everyone knows that, right?

[Monika]

How did he do it

And what's a mason jar?

[mmmcannibalism]

How did he do it

And what's a mason jar?

A glass jar with a lit; I think the mason part comes from the brand name from the days of yore.

[facimus]

My high school Physics teacher was a very awkward man. He used to teach at a community college, but for some strange reason decided to switch to teaching high school. Anyway, he would always tell us very awkard jokes that no one wanted to hear. Once he told us a joke about a "prophylactic saleswoman" and a girl asked what a prophylactic was. It was just all very awkward.

My Latin teacher, on the other hand, was awesome. We had the same teacher for all the years we took Latin (3 for me), so by the third year we were all very comfortable laughing and joking with each other. We watched Monty Python every year in his class and translated awkward Catullus poems. Not the most awkward ones, but still awkward. And we learned how to curse in Latin.

Not exactly quotes, but oh well.

[hintss]

How did he do it

And what's a mason jar?

his explanation was that it worked the same way as a straw, as soon as he tipped it slightly, all the water came out.

basically, masons jar (lid has a second lid built in), replace lid within lid with metal screen (like screen door), then remove card when perfectly upside down.

also, honors algebra 2, just where the teacher kind of misspoke: don't worry, there won't be a quiz this week, just a test

[animeHrmIne]

My English teacher this year is in either her 60s or 70s, and she's the most hilarious, cutest woman I've ever seen! She's just so sincere and funny and she does the best impressions ever (Her Tituba from the Crucible is legend at my school). Today, she was reading an Anne Bradstreet poem, and instead of saying "shall sit", she said "sall shit". Which is funny by itself, but her reaction was absolutely priceless. She screams with laughter and leans on the podium (which is about a head and a half shorter than her), rocking back and forth, practically hysterical. It was absolutely awesome.

She also told a story from her senior year in high school full of love triangles, mono, and college boyfriends, which eventually ended with her repeating in a louder and louder voice "TWO WEEKS! PROM! How do I love thee let me count the ways ..." TWO WEEKS!" (Made sense in context). It was the most realistic and relevant story I have ever heard from a teacher, and was also insanely funny.

The coherency of the previous statements may not have been as high as I would like. I should be asleep. Or doing Biology homework. But sleep is more fun.

[hintss]

PE:

Girls go here, guys go over there. If you don't know where to go, go to the bathroom and check real quick

[Heady]

Physics teacher:
"If it dies, it's biology. If it explodes, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

[Whelan]

Physics teacher:
"If it dies, it's biology. If it explodes, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

I was told "Biology moves, Chemistry smells, and Physics doesn't work"

[Chuff]

At my school, it's "if it dies, it's bio, if it explodes, it's chem, and if it's sarcastic, it's physics," because we have a famously sarcastic physics teacher. It's great.

[Whelan]

*Child is texting under the table*
Teacher: What're you doing under there?
Child: Masturbating.
Teacher: Well your hand isn't moving very much is it?
*Child goes bright red*

[Please Believe]

I had a teacher that would enunciate the ending "ed" of words and it was hilarious every time. Winged, dared, impaired... so funny.

[Mike_Bson]

In Russian class:

Student 1: ''Are we going to Russia this year?''
Teacher: ''No.''
Student 2: ''Why, because Russia is an evil empire?''
Teacher: ''Well, yeah. . . ''

[TheChewanater]

This morning the U.S history teacher was standing in front of the projector slide pointing to this guy.

"This person is a really bad public speaker, isn't he?"

"He's a good example of how anyone can run for public office."

Et cetera...

The awesome part? She accidentally switched tabs to an article with a picture of Obama before starting and didn't notice.

[llamanaru]

A calculus teacher of mine once said,

A function is continuous at a point if every point near the point is roughly equal to the point

with a completely straight face. Then went on to say it was going to be on the test... Verbatim it was.

[Heady]

My history teacher loves self-deprecation.
"Well, you can't always believe what you hear. My mother used to always tell me i was very handsome. That wasn't true. So you see, you've got to verify what you hear, and be skeptical. Kinda like what my wife wished she'd done when I asked to marry her."

[i_ll_winn]

There is a man who is a beloved substitute teacher of my school. He is Mr. G and he is also a coach on science olympiad. He knows everything about everything, he has been an electrician, auto mechanic, car restorer, fry chef, college professor, and for a while now he has substitute taught. He is hilarious in every way while being informative. Often times he teaches things better and faster than the actual teacher. He's quite the resource for our school district. So, he was substituting for physics and there was no lesson plan, so he took half an hour watching an interesting movie on electric cars, and for 10 minutes he told us about zero point energy, no one understood it but we listened anyway and afterwards he just walked around butting into conversations. Me and my friends were talking about aerodynamics and how they relate to car production. He comes over and we are talking.
G "One of the most amazing parts of nature and aerodynamics I always thought, was the flying fish, they glide so easily! I actually have a stuffed one at home!"
Me "Have you ever tried throwing it?"
G "no, I never thought about it, I have a crossbow at home, I bet I could make those two things into something really f'ing badass!"

[Vieto]

My Chem teacher: "Spontanious combustion is when something catches flame from no external source, like this." *snaps fingers* *pants spontaniously combust*

[Secateurs]

My Chem teacher: "Spontanious combustion is when something catches flame from no external source, like this." *snaps fingers* *pants spontaniously combust*

Ok, I'll bite: how did he rig it up?

Also are we talking full flame coverage, or just his pocket or something? *trying to imagine the resulting chaos*

[TheWindWaker01]

"The lights are home but nobody's on."

-math teacher, coming to school on two hours of sleep trying to do a pre-calc problem.

[Vieto]

My Chem teacher: "Spontanious combustion is when something catches flame from no external source, like this." *snaps fingers* *pants spontaniously combust*

Ok, I'll bite: how did he rig it up?

Also are we talking full flame coverage, or just his pocket or something? *trying to imagine the resulting chaos*

Well, actually this was him telling us about when he spontaniously combusted, and how he got into chemistry.

The very Short version:
When he was in highschool, he was doing a lab involving white phosphoros (a very flamable chemical that ignites at 30 degrees celcius, body temperature), and when the teacher left the room, he dumped excess of it dissolved in a volitile chemical on a hot ring, igniting the chemical, causing him to cover his arm and hands, and lab partner with the chemical, igniting him. (they had to wrap the areas in bandages and use bluestone to remove the WP).

Then, when he was a high school teacher, he thought he would show the same experiment to his class. We would have done it properly, but there was a baby bottle, so he decided to load the chemicals into it so that he could squirt the chemical safely onto a hot apparatis. There was a leak, and it got all over his pants. He then doused his pants in water to prevent himself from igniting (body temperature), looked like a fool, and continued his lecture.

Three hours later, the pants had dried off, and the previously mentioned story occured.

[Secateurs]

Well, that's... interesting.

[Vieto]

As I said, that was the short 5-minute version. You had to be there to find it awesome.

[The Scyphozoa]

But... how did he know his pants would combust right at that moment? Did the heat from his snap do it?

(Firefox doesn't recognize "combust", what the shit.)

[TheChewanater]

But... how did he know his pants would combust right at that moment? Did the heat from his snap do it?

(Firefox doesn't recognize "combust", what the shit.)

If I understand correctly, he literally said the words, "pants spontaneously combust," referencing a previous mishap.

[The Scyphozoa]

But... how did he know his pants would combust right at that moment? Did the heat from his snap do it?

(Firefox doesn't recognize "combust", what the shit.)

If I understand correctly, he literally said the words, "pants spontaneously combust," referencing a previous mishap.

I don't think so. "Pants spontaneously combust" was enclosed in asterisks, not quotation marks, so if Vieto was using them correctly, it sounds like his pants did combust when he snapped his fingers.

[hintss]

*teacher pulls out electric drill that has a paper disk with a spiral on it*

[Heady]

You push on one side of a door with a force of 100 N, and the velociraptor pushes on the other side with a force of 400 N. What is the net force?
Will the velociraptor open the door?

Physics quizzes are fun this year.

[The Scyphozoa]

You push on one side of a door with a force of 100 N, and the velociraptor pushes on the other side with a force of 400 N. What is the net force?
Will the velociraptor open the door?

Physics quizzes are fun this year.

Depending on what the door is made of, being pushed on both sides hard enough could just make a hole in it.

[chridd]

You push on one side of a door with a force of 100 N, and the velociraptor pushes on the other side with a force of 400 N. What is the net force?
Will the velociraptor open the door?

Physics quizzes are fun this year. :P

No, the velociraptor will not open will not open the door; velociraptors are extinct and were not around at any time when doors existed.

Alternatively: No, the velociraptor will not open the door, because the velociraptor successfully closed the door while you were trying to open it.