I had a psychology professor for 4 weeks during the intersession. Halfway through the first class I took out a notebook and started writing his best quotes down. I did the same for all the other classes.
French is the easiest language to fake. Just take the last word [that the other person said] and make it a question... I was in Quebec and did that for 30 minutes.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 2 languages.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 3 languages.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 4 languages.
A few students: Quadlingual.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 1 language.
Professor: An American.
I want to pinch your cheeks sometimes.
I bet you can smoke better than me.
Professor asks [Student] a question
Student: I don't know.
Professor: You can deny knowing anything better than anyone I know; even politicians.
Professor quoting a person he was training to be a social worker: 'I think its about time you get your breast out of his !#%*)$^ mouth.'
Professor: Growing weed is hard.
Student: How do you know?
Professor after a long pause: I just read about it.
Professor as his wife: Stop walking around naked!
Professor as his wife: The babysitter is right there!
Professor as his wife: Are you going out dressed like that?
Professor: No. This is the outfit I put on before I put on my real outfit.
You can break kids.
She didn't hit us unfortunately.
I have been here since 2000 and I have never heard something that stupid. [Student's name] is stupider for sitting next to you.
Actually, can I use you, 'cause your pleasuring yourself?
I am Hallmarkcharian. I made it up. If there's a good Hallmark card, I celebrate it.
But does she have a @%* like this. (Professor turns around)
Thank G-d there are laws or I don't know what I will do... I would steal her hat.
If you hit me I'll bleed all over you.
And I'm like, I'm white. I should get white privilege.
Girls will sell guys out in a second.
Slave girl Leia put me through puberty.
Student: Left handed people are smarter.
Professor: I never heard that. I heard right handed Italians are smarter.
No, you are not a jack-of-all-trade. You are a jack(&#.
We're going to play find the penis.
You can make fun of my age, but I always know how to spell this. (writes F on the whiteboard)
Do you ever think, 'How does he even have a job.'
Its bad enough my friends have kids who are college age.
Professor: She's an artist, of course she smokes week.
Student: I'm an artist and I don't smoke weed that much.
Professor: That much!
Tacos when your high is the best... I swear Taco Bell was invented for stoners.
I'm thinking of Wonder Women and [I did not hear] fighting in a pool of jello. Oops, I said that out loud.
Student: Do you want us to do check marks or X's on the test.
Professor: I want you to do inverted pentagrams, and make sure you use a #3 red crayon.
I drew inverted pentagrams next to my answers for that test.
I'm going to do Jess up here.
How many times have you seen a rat come out of a baby?
They say there are no dumb answers, so I just pointed out one that was (see above).
I like cancer more than I like you.
Professor as a student: How am I suppose to know that?
Professor: Well, don't be an idiot.
Professor: I used to have a tattoo on my calf in Chinese ink.
Student: What did it say?
Professor: It said White Death.
If I walk walking down the road and met a white guy going "Ants. Ants. Ants.
" I'll be like, "Oh #%*^".
I have called my kids by my dog's name.
She's naked in the shower. Of course she's going to die.
Professor: How did you get past my parental lock!?
Professor as his daughter: I guessed 1111.
Professor: You little %(&#!
Dude! [Student's name]! My penis is bleeding!
Professor as his wife: I want you to find me attractive.
Professor: We're married. Of course I don't find you attractive.
If I offended anyone, I don't care.
I was going to jam lobster claws down her throat.
95% of the students like me and 90% of the faculty hates me.
I love them [his children] more than life, but sometimes I understand why some animals eat their young.
She told my dean, 'He's offensive,' and he's like 'I know.'
If I die today, I'm not going to see Superman vs. Batman, and that would kill me.
The average female will outlive the average male by 6 years. Its 'cause of your nagging.
I had 2 babies! I was walking minutes afterwards! I was eating fine! It didn't hurt to got to the bathroom! (see 3 quotes above)
If you stop breathing, you are having a bad day. Its called you die.
Yeah. I'm the baby. Here I am.
Everything is averages. Just because it does not happen does not mean you are not a freak of nature. Unless you course you are a freak of nature, which some of you qualify for.
If your dog talks back to you, you need to talk with me ASAP.
Reprimand mean making you hang out with me for a month.
I am telling you girls right now, I will dictate who you will date.
She's like the daughter I never had. (He has 2 daughters)
Is anyone in this building a child molester! I need to know now!
Professor: Well, I'm different.
Student: We know.
This happened to my brother in the 7th grade. The desks were chairs with a wooden table attached.
The teacher was... let's just say that he was not underweight. One day he sat on the table part of one of the desks and it broke.
I had the same teacher in the 7th grade. My desk was near the waste basket. The teacher crumpled up a paper into a ball and said, 'If I miss this can you put it in for me?' I said, 'Sure.' He then throw the paper ball toward the other side of the room.