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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 6:56 pm UTC
by Prince Platypus
My VB teacher was going over how attendance works, and that he couldn't count it against us if there was a sports event, and we were one of the athletes. At which point he looked at everyone in the class and said, "Yeah, I don't think that's going to be an issue here."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 6:57 am UTC
by eaglewings51
From the same history professor as before

"Ooh, Italy, tasty"

"Friars, with an 'a'. They're not chickens."


From one of my Poli Sci professors

"It's to feed your soul, God damn it."


Exchange with my other Poli Sci professor when someone barged into the room during class

Barging person: "Oh, we have a meeting soon."
Prof: "Soon? Exactly. It's not for fifteen minutes. You should have knocked. Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock before entering a room?"
Fellow student: "The door was open."
Prof: "So, you're saying it's my fault they barged in?"

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:27 pm UTC
by magic_lightbulb52
From the legend that is my Maths teacher, Mr Hill, teaching algebraic fractions:
Never leave surds in your bottom

Makes my day every time he says it.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 5:38 am UTC
by chillcosby
My engineering teacher from Nigeria, whom we call "Mr. Madu", is full of these.

One particular instance I remember is a friend of mine watching Mr. Madu do his regular morning routine while really enjoying his coffee. Noticeably so, at least. My friend joked to Mr. Madu, "What's in that coffee?"

Mr. Madu takes a huge swig of coffee, looks my friend in the eye, and says in the heaviest Nigerian accent:

"Smirnoff."

We still don't know whether or not he was serious.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:59 pm UTC
by MrMeltJr
I have quite a few from my 7th grade English/Social Studies teacher, Mr. W. I was in the advanced class in an otherwise pretty stupid part of town, and us "advanced" students generally had very little interaction with the other students. This resulted in both us and our teachers getting away with more than would normally be allowed for a 7th grade class. He was known for teaching things normally not taught until later grades, and for eschewing "normal" English and Social Studies topics.
He was also the coach for the Knowledge Bowl team (interscholastic trivia competition, for those who don't know).

"It's come to my attention that a number of our female students are attracted Orlando Bloom, and specifically, him playing Legolas. As such, I am starting the Anti Elf League. First meeting is today after school."

(after a lecture on the Allegory of the Cave)
"Oh, and by the way, this is basically the plot of The Matrix. You'll never be able to watch it the same way again."
(pause)
"You know, we should start keeping a list of all the movies and shows I've ruined for you"

(upon seeing somebody at his desk, with a book that had been resting on his chair)
"Hey, put that down. I could get in trouble if the district knew I had that here!"
(upon seeing that it's my friend and I with the book)
"Oh, actually, you'll probably find that hilarious. Just don't read it until after school."
(it was a satirical, politically charged book, by the way)

"I'd like to congratulate anyone who was able to watch Lost last night without thinking of Lord of the Flies."

(after a Knowledge Bowl practice, my friend and I hung back to ask Mr. W about some stuff)
"I got some more info about the competition next week. We're up against the stupidest schools in the district, so instead of balancing our teams like normal, I'm putting all our stupid players in 2 teams so they can go even with the competition, and then stacking the last team with you 2, (student A), and (student B) so you can destroy everyone in your path."

(during KB practice. We had all been reading old question sheets to get a better feel for how they're formatted and stuff. He then grabbed a different sheet and started asking questions. I don't remember the exact numbers, so just bear with me.)
W: "If Jt is 263,000 and ET is-"
(student): "Saturn."
(looks at paper)
W: "Uh, yeah. Okay, last time I checked, (student) wasn't a deity, so we must've grabbed the same sheet."

Not really a quote, but I once shot a rubber band at random in class, and it ended up hitting someone in the face quite hard. He called me to his desk and started filling out a detention slip. Under the reason, he wrote: Shooting a guy in the face*
At the bottom of the page, in tiny writing, was: *with a rubber band.


Freshman Physical Science, at the beginning of the year:
"I have been told by some that I am a bad teacher. I'd just like to set the record straight: yeah, I might be. I was originally in the logging industry, but after accidentally killing my third species of endangered bird, I decided it was time for a career change."

Junior History Teacher:
"I once went on a European trip with (another teacher at the school). We basically spent 3 weeks going to different countries and making fun of any French people we could find. Best part was this little cafe in France. We almost got kicked out."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:08 am UTC
by thalia
My histology professor talking about lipocytes and patients.

"Of course, some people suffer from DETMS... the 'don't eat that much'-syndrome."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 3:46 am UTC
by Dinosaur!
Java programming professor, lecturing on composition / OOP:
If you're thinking to yourself, "all this structure and order make perfect sense," then Java is going to be your friend. If, on the other hand, you're thinking to yourself "what is with all this privacy shit, I just want to change this fucking variable," then Java is going to feel like trying to wrestle a mountain lion while wearing a straitjacket!

Gotta love this guy :D

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 5:03 pm UTC
by Turtlegods
I have a lot of these...

From my Sociology Professor last year:
"All 18-22 year olds are assholes." [This was the first day of class]
“I give you a take home exam and, I don’t know what cheating is here, you, I don’t know, take 10 hours, as if I care. I see that as punishment enough.”
“Like most of you will learn in this course you will find most people don’t agree with what I say. I happen to be right...”
While discussing a scenario in which we started a fire in the classroom. “If someone misunderstands us and brings us a plastic chair, the fume of which would kill us, we would be unhappy campers.”
Student: “As you told us last semester we’re all smarter than you.” Professor: “I should hope so.”
“Don’t feed me reality. All you can do with reality is prove to me that not all economists are idiots.”
“One can’t kill your intelligence, but one can kill you.”
“Theorists are obnoxious assholes who think they know what’s there before they know what’s there”
[On Durkheim] “If that’s what he’s saying we wouldn’t be reading him because he would be a dufos.”
Prof: “Most of what’s been written about this book has been written by sociologists, who are not God’s, swiftest, creatures.”...“Physicists are smarter than sociologists. Economists are smarter than sociologists.”
"I'm not scary" [This is, in fact, a flat out lie]
“I can be very arrogant and self-effacing so let me be both.”
Here's some advice he gave us for our first midterm:
    “One is likely to presume the dumbest argument is on the paper [when grading].”
    “Crying hysterically [during the prep period] I strongly recommend, I assume it’s too late to drop the course. I hope it’s too late.”
    “If you have a chimpanzee, a parakeet, or a German shepherd I highly recommend you consult it.”
“I seduce you into shaking hands so I have my left hand free and can knife you in the stomach and steal your wallet.”
“Before you enter into any relationship, bring the person to me or someone else trustworthy.”
"I am God. I am a cruel god and I demand burnt offerings."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 8:27 pm UTC
by Monika
Seems to have been quite a class :shock:

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 2:40 am UTC
by Kokirian
My Algebra II teacher has a very heavy French accent and loves deadpan one-liners.
"I'm going to stab you with a butterknife."
"If you think that (x+2)^2 is x^2 + 4, you need to quit crack."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:31 pm UTC
by Djehutynakht
Poly-Sci professor (on Nobleness)

"Now... let's say that you and I were out at [Popular bar area] one night and we happened to get into a barfight with a student from [Other college]. Which would be more noble? You taking him on with a broken beer bottle or me running across the street and shooting him with a bow and arrow?"

later on:

"Now everytime I say "Assyrians" I want you all to go "Booo!!!"

*5 days later in class*

"And so the Assyrians...Ahem... I said the Assyrians..."

*Class slowly remembers and rattles up a half-hearted "Booo!!!"*

"I see most of you haven't had your caffeine today"

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:43 pm UTC
by WilliamTheConqueror
Talking about Frankenstein in AP Lit & Comp:

Teacher: Frankenstein might be considered immoral, or maybe even evil - but what makes us sympathize with him?

Me: *kind of half glares about Frankenstein*

Teacher: ...Or not sympathize. *looks at me* I could tell by the set of your jaw that you don't.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 2:21 pm UTC
by quetzal1234
Frankenstein is an awful book. Truly terrible.
So terrible I feel the need to express my opinion on it whenever the subject comes up. But evidently you agree?

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 4:26 pm UTC
by WilliamTheConqueror
quetzal1234 wrote:Frankenstein is an awful book. Truly terrible.
So terrible I feel the need to express my opinion on it whenever the subject comes up. But evidently you agree?


It was... okay. It definitely could have been better. Victor Frankenstein is the whiniest protagonist I've ever read. Ugh.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Nov 16, 2013 5:52 am UTC
by quetzal1234
I feel that frankenstein reads as though it was written by the worst kind of stereotypical 18 year old. Nothing against real 18 year Olds, but so melodramatic and yet so boring. Frankenstein is not sympathetic, I'm with you there.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:51 pm UTC
by Monika
Image

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:41 am UTC
by firesoul31
"You mean you don't like shards of glass covered in sulphuric acid shot at you?"

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 3:59 am UTC
by SwiftSilent
Student: "Ow! My head hurts!"
Teacher: "Oh! Are you thinking?"

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:50 am UTC
by Hwo Thumb
My German Teacher, in the oddest unintentional double-entendre I've ever heard
Okay, everyone, show me your genitives

Also,
Make sure you're pronunciating everything correctly

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 5:41 pm UTC
by alessandro95
My biology teacher today said that "corpses look great, and taste great too"

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:39 pm UTC
by FLHerne
Hwo Thumb wrote:My German Teacher
Make sure you're pronunciating everything correctly

Mine decided to use 'sheep' as the English example of plurals:
One sheep, two sheeps.
She refused to accept otherwise until we got a dictionary. :D

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:07 pm UTC
by Monika
One fish, two fishes :D

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 4:23 am UTC
by Kristen23
'Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.'

'Everyone who remembers his own education remembers teachers, not methods and techniques. The teacher is the heart of the educational system.'

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2014 1:44 am UTC
by jewish_scientist
I did not like my school, but by a huge margin, this was the worst thing that happened.

My 12th grade English class was discussing Brave New World. I forget exactly what I said, but my teacher responded with, "If everyone followed logic, then we would have no freedom."

I was so stunned that I walked out of the class and spend the rest of the period wandering through the halls.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2015 8:29 am UTC
by Wildcard
jewish_scientist's teacher wrote:If everyone followed logic, then we would have no freedom.
Well for sure we wouldn't have the freedom to be illogical. It's like the first amendment...ever heard of the "freedom of stupid speech"?

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 12:10 am UTC
by Caprice
Not sure if this counts, but:
In a first-grade class at my school (K-12), a teacher's assistant came in to teach the class about the American Revolution. The kids were getting bored, obviously, so the next time he came in, he brought in a bucket full of water, three tea bags, and three paper boats. At the beginning of the lecture, he put the tea bags into the boats, then put the boats into the water. They began to sink, so he took out the tea. When he got to the Boston Tea Party, he actually tore the tea bags open and poured the contents into the water. After stirring it up a bit:
Child 1: Can I drink it?
Assistant: No.

Well, a bit after that, he dug the sunken ships out, put them in a Ziploc bag, then went to pour the bucket out. A few minutes later, he returned, saying:
Sorry, but I think I've clogged the drain.

He then got the spoon he used to stir up the tea and walked out. The teacher then said:
You know how [Assistant] clogged up the sink with the water? Imagine a whole harbor full of it, and how messy that would be!

The assistant came back in eventually with the bucket. He'd managed to unclog the drain by poking a hole in the layer of waterlogged tea. He then went on with the lesson as if nothing had happened.
At one point, while explaining the French and Indian Wars:
Assistant: The first war was started in Europe because of the French. The second war was started in Europe because of the French. The third war was started...
Children, all at once: Because of the French.
Child 2: The French were bad, aren't they?
Assistant: Actually, because of the Germans.

This is all paraphrased, by the way.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 2:46 am UTC
by ggh
Clive Holmes whilst teaching an intro history course in 1986 wrote:By the 14th century, this machinery, this bureaucracy, had become of labyrinthine convolution, and a byword for dilatoriness, and also for peculation.
It rolled off his tongue. That's just the way he spoke. Loved the guy, but I had to keep a dictionary close at hand. That one sentence about the papacy has stayed with me for nearly 3 decades now.

I suspect that this is not really going to come across in print, but I feel that I must immortalize it online nonetheless. This appears to be the place.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 6:31 am UTC
by yellow103
Towards the end of school, when we weren't doing anything, some kids in Pre-Calc were playing card games. The teacher must have gotten annoyed and said something like this to one of his less-liked students.
Teacher: Do you want to play bus driver?
Student: Sure.
*Teacher picks up deck*
Teacher: Your the bus driver. *pointing at student*
*Throws deck at student*
Teacher: Now pick up the passengers.

He has had plenty of good ones, but this was the most recent.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 6:36 pm UTC
by PhysicsLover
STUDENT: I have question, I don.... (gets interrupted)
TEACHER: Q&A only at the end

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2015 3:02 am UTC
by dimitriye98
Not really a quote, but my 9th grade physics teacher had the sign "You just lost twenty dollars and my self respect." next to the clock.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:03 pm UTC
by jewish_scientist
I had a psychology professor for 4 weeks during the intersession. Halfway through the first class I took out a notebook and started writing his best quotes down. I did the same for all the other classes.

French is the easiest language to fake. Just take the last word [that the other person said] and make it a question... I was in Quebec and did that for 30 minutes.

Professor: What do you call someone who knows 2 languages.
Class: Bilingual.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 3 languages.
Class: Trilingual.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 4 languages.
A few students: Quadlingual.
Professor: What do you call someone who knows 1 language.
Class: ...
Professor: An American.

I want to pinch your cheeks sometimes.

I bet you can smoke better than me.

Professor asks [Student] a question
Student: I don't know.
Professor: You can deny knowing anything better than anyone I know; even politicians.

Professor quoting a person he was training to be a social worker: 'I think its about time you get your breast out of his !#%*)$^ mouth.'

Professor: Growing weed is hard.
Student: How do you know?
Professor after a long pause: I just read about it.

Professor as his wife: Stop walking around naked!
Professor: Alright!
Professor as his wife: The babysitter is right there!

Professor as his wife: Are you going out dressed like that?
Professor: No. This is the outfit I put on before I put on my real outfit.

You can break kids.

She didn't hit us unfortunately.

I have been here since 2000 and I have never heard something that stupid. [Student's name] is stupider for sitting next to you.

Actually, can I use you, 'cause your pleasuring yourself?

I am Hallmarkcharian. I made it up. If there's a good Hallmark card, I celebrate it.

But does she have a @%* like this. (Professor turns around)

Thank G-d there are laws or I don't know what I will do... I would steal her hat.

If you hit me I'll bleed all over you.

And I'm like, I'm white. I should get white privilege.

Girls will sell guys out in a second.

Slave girl Leia put me through puberty.

Student: Left handed people are smarter.
Professor: I never heard that. I heard right handed Italians are smarter.

No, you are not a jack-of-all-trade. You are a jack(&#.

We're going to play find the penis.

You can make fun of my age, but I always know how to spell this. (writes F on the whiteboard)

Do you ever think, 'How does he even have a job.'

Its bad enough my friends have kids who are college age.

Professor: She's an artist, of course she smokes week.
Student: I'm an artist and I don't smoke weed that much.
Professor: That much!

Tacos when your high is the best... I swear Taco Bell was invented for stoners.

I'm thinking of Wonder Women and [I did not hear] fighting in a pool of jello. Oops, I said that out loud.

Student: Do you want us to do check marks or X's on the test.
Professor: I want you to do inverted pentagrams, and make sure you use a #3 red crayon.
I drew inverted pentagrams next to my answers for that test.

I'm going to do Jess up here.

How many times have you seen a rat come out of a baby?

They say there are no dumb answers, so I just pointed out one that was (see above).

I like cancer more than I like you.

Professor as a student: How am I suppose to know that?
Professor: Well, don't be an idiot.

Professor: I used to have a tattoo on my calf in Chinese ink.
Student: What did it say?
Professor: It said White Death.

If I walk walking down the road and met a white guy going "Ants. Ants. Ants." I'll be like, "Oh #%*^".

I have called my kids by my dog's name.

She's naked in the shower. Of course she's going to die.

Professor: How did you get past my parental lock!?
Professor as his daughter: I guessed 1111.
Professor: You little %(&#!

Dude! [Student's name]! My penis is bleeding!

Professor as his wife: I want you to find me attractive.
Professor: We're married. Of course I don't find you attractive.

If I offended anyone, I don't care.

I was going to jam lobster claws down her throat.

95% of the students like me and 90% of the faculty hates me.

I love them [his children] more than life, but sometimes I understand why some animals eat their young.

She told my dean, 'He's offensive,' and he's like 'I know.'

If I die today, I'm not going to see Superman vs. Batman, and that would kill me.

The average female will outlive the average male by 6 years. Its 'cause of your nagging.

I had 2 babies! I was walking minutes afterwards! I was eating fine! It didn't hurt to got to the bathroom! (see 3 quotes above)

If you stop breathing, you are having a bad day. Its called you die.

Yeah. I'm the baby. Here I am.

Everything is averages. Just because it does not happen does not mean you are not a freak of nature. Unless you course you are a freak of nature, which some of you qualify for.

If your dog talks back to you, you need to talk with me ASAP.

Reprimand mean making you hang out with me for a month.

I am telling you girls right now, I will dictate who you will date.

She's like the daughter I never had. (He has 2 daughters)

Is anyone in this building a child molester! I need to know now!

Professor: Well, I'm different.
Student: We know.

This happened to my brother in the 7th grade. The desks were chairs with a wooden table attached. The teacher was... let's just say that he was not underweight. One day he sat on the table part of one of the desks and it broke.

I had the same teacher in the 7th grade. My desk was near the waste basket. The teacher crumpled up a paper into a ball and said, 'If I miss this can you put it in for me?' I said, 'Sure.' He then throw the paper ball toward the other side of the room.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2016 5:52 am UTC
by Wildcard
rajabeta wrote:there's a rumour in our school that i hv an affair with my biology teacher..
i accept that she is so beautiful and i liked her.. but it didn't mean that she also like me.
she treated me just as a special student.
coz i was inteligent in my class...
but affair was not true... whole shchool's student make fun of me and teased me calling with her name...

:shock:

That really isn't an awesome teacher quote at all...but thanks for sharing! :D

Reminds me a bit of the last section of this What If? xkcd.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 2:51 pm UTC
by AlfaLyr
Making a poetry analysis:
"Teacher... did Quevedo thought in all thins things, or are we just making this up?"
"...Quevedo was infinitely cleverer than you."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 5:52 pm UTC
by Bloopy
I also had a high school teacher (for maths and then statistics) who was so funny that I eventually started writing down things he said. Any students of his would immediately recognise who I'm talking about. He's now the principal of the school and I hope he's still imprinting his catchphrases on generations of kids. Some of his favourites:
- "Holdy holts" to represent a moment of clarity
- "Beast" or "little beastie" to mean calculator. "You take out your trusty beast; you bash in those buttons."
- "A trap for young players" for things that can catch you out.
- Calling himself a "naughty boy" whenever he made a mistake.
- Lots of onomatopoeia and repeating words for emphasis. "Moosh moosh moosh moosh" for putting our heads down and getting on with the work. "Boof", "swoosh", "clunk clunk clunk", "blah blah blah". "Heehawing and yarring and mouthing and blahing". "Waffle waffle, don't understand, waffle waffle, don't understand don't understand".
- Made up places in Arizona for anything and everything. Eg. "Doomsville, Arizona" = bad or impossible, "Plugerinsville, Arizona" = algebraic substitution, "Gonesville, Arizona" = something in an equation got cancelled out.

Some of the other funniest ones:

"Even symmetrical graffiti is graffiti."

"Infinity spits on five million."

[referring to the very first question in a particular test or chapter]
"1(a): if you don't know how to do it, jump off the side of a tall building."

"I don't care about proving; I'm right."

"Cameron, you're on the greasy pole of oblivion."

"Alex turns maths into a handicap event."

[when handing out textbooks to a pair of kids who weren't getting much work done]
"I hate to sacrifice two books to a cesspit of inactivity."

[when a kid distracting the class from working happened to have a broken hand]
"You've come in here with your broken hand and it's contagious."

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:29 pm UTC
by Zohar
Bloopy wrote:[referring to the very first question in a particular test or chapter]
"1(a): if you don't know how to do it, jump off the side of a tall building."

"I don't care about proving; I'm right."

"Cameron, you're on the greasy pole of oblivion."

"Alex turns maths into a handicap event."

[when handing out textbooks to a pair of kids who weren't getting much work done]
"I hate to sacrifice two books to a cesspit of inactivity."

[when a kid distracting the class from working happened to have a broken hand]
"You've come in here with your broken hand and it's contagious."

Sounds like an absolute bully to me. Sure it's funny to you, and it might be funny to you when he laughs at you as well, if you know you're good and he likes you. But the kid who happens to be having difficulty with this won't be encouraged to do anything and will be just getting stamped on.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 8:22 pm UTC
by Bloopy
Zohar wrote:Sounds like an absolute bully to me.

It didn't come across very well then. Clown would be more accurate. He did his best to make maths as enjoyable as possible for everyone. He was one of the friendliest teachers. I don't remember the context of the handicap one, but the kid probably fell off his chair or something. He didn't generally pick on kids for being bad at math, only for being troublemakers. He dealt with them in the nicest way he knew when he could've just shouted and sent them out.

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:13 pm UTC
by jewish_scientist
More funny than awesome:
Why is she writing 'Chicken Owl' on the board?

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:28 am UTC
by Monika
Why did she write Chicken Owl on the board?

Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 8:19 am UTC
by SwGupta
Being an average student, I didn't have much good relation with the teachers. But my home tutor handled me and my understanding level in a right way by teaching me in a more practical way. He always use to say this -

"Praise Loudly but Correct Softly!"