First Cleric wrote:How can we be lost? The river is there. The hills are here. We go down, we'll get to the river.
third scribe wrote:I saw the river first.
second scribe wrote:Do you know which river it is?
third scribe wrote:What do you mean "which river"?
He points to the river
third scribe wrote:It's that river.
By this time a few other of the clerics, who have been towards the back of the party, have come forward to participate.
third cleric wrote:Yes, it most certainly is that river. But is it the same river whence we came?
[wide aerial shot]
third scribe wrote:Yes. Uh... no? Ummm
The third scribe is lifted up by an unseen force and tossed down the hill, where he tumbles and tumbles and eventually is too far away to see, even though the camera has zoomed in as far as it can.
third scribe wrote:AAAAaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee!!!!!
first scribe [offscreen] wrote:Neat!
second scribe [offscreen] wrote:No, not "neat".
The First Cleric and third cleric look at each other
First Cleric and third cleric together wrote:Third Base!
fourth cleric wrote:This does not really solve our problem. We are here, the river is there, and we don't know how to get there from here.
First Cleric wrote:Consult the Book of Armaments!
The second scribe looks at the First Cleric
second scribe wrote:Is he daft?
first scribe wrote:Either that or I want more berries.
The first scribe addresses the group:
first scribe wrote: Bring out the Book of Armaments!
The camera widens out and follows him as he makes his way to the back of the group. There is a flurry of activity as chests are put down and opened, and various knickknacks are tossed out of it, until a Holy Tome is reverently retrieved from it. It is handed to the first scribe, who, in a procession of several clerics, solemnly starts walking back with it to the First Cleric. He stops midway though, somewhat puzzled.
first scribe wrote:Music. There should be music here.
seventh cleric wrote:Yes. Where's the music. Where's the bloody music??
fifth cleric wrote:Are you sure you have the right Book?
first scribe wrote:Book of Armaments. Yes, that is what the First Cleric called for.
fifth cleric wrote:The First Cleric is an eejit. No wonder we're lost. Where's the feckin' Pope when you need him?
[cut to wide shot]
first scribe wrote:Well, to be honest with you, I don't think our Pope has all that much under his bald spot either.
POV: the front of the group, looking down the hill at the river. We see the third scribe making his way back up the hill. He is writing on a scroll as he walks. The camera trucks back so we can see the First Cleric in medium shot, pacing, oblivious to the third scribe making his way up the hill. In fact, he is oblivious to pretty much everything.
First Cleric wrote:what is keeping them? And why am I not hearing Glorious Music as the Book of Armaments is brought to me? Where is my Book of Armaments?
first scribe wrote:Right here, your Popewannabeness.
The First Cleric takes the Book hurriedly and starts leafing through the pages.
First Cleric wrote:Let's see, Holy Mace of Molpy... no. Holy Dagger of Dilgunnerang... no. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch... that doesn't even make sense. Antioch doesn't begin with an 'H'. Holy Arrow of Armageddon... yes! let's use that. It can point us the way to our destination.
At this time the third scribe comes into the picture, bedraggled from his climb back up the hill.
third scribe wrote:Look, First Cleric - I have created a Map!
First Cleric wrote:What manner of sorcery is that?
third scribe wrote:Here - look! I have drawn a line from where I was to where I am... and I have drawn other lines too! And if we follow those lines, we shall find our way to our destination!
first scribe wrote:It's worth a shot. I'm not too thrilled about that Armageddon stuff.
The First Cleric thinks.
First Cleric wrote:Did we bring the Holy Arrow of Armageddon?
second scribe wrote:No, I think we left it at the beach.
The First Cleric thinks some more.
First Cleric wrote:Very well then. We will use this Map thing. This had better work.
The group sets out, the camera pans to follow them for a bit, and then lets them walk out of frame down the hill.[fade out]
[fade in: exterior, evening]
It is sunset. A small campfire is burning; the Pope is tending the fire. There are noises coming from offscreen - an approaching party. The camera pans to show that it is the party of clerics and scribes we had left the scene before. The First Cleric is proudly leading the party, which is accompanied by the music of pipes and krumhorns and other strange and beautiful instruments. The Pope gets up and walks back into the frame.
First Cleric wrote:We have returned, victorious! We have found the Tree of Holy Berries.
second scribe wrote:And it's Neat!
first scribe wrote:I thought you said it wasn't neat.
second scribe wrote:No, the tree is neat.
first scribe wrote:Actually, it looked a little messy to me, with all the leaves and stuff.
the Pope wrote:How did you find your way back? I thought surely you were lost.
fifth cleric wrote:He was probably was hoping for it.
First Cleric wrote:A most Glorious Thing happened. We got lost.
the Pope wrote:Yes, that would be glorious, wouldn't it.
First Cleric wrote:... but I consulted the Holy Map, and I led us here.
the Pope wrote:Whence this... "map" thing?
second scribe wrote:It was the third scribe. He went off himself on a Holy Quest, and came back with enlightenment!
the second scribe hands the Pope the scroll with the lines on it. The Pope examines it.
the Pope wrote:The third scribe? This is most glorious. Stand forward!
There is some movement in the crowd, but nobody steps forward.
the Pope wrote:Don't be shy. You have done a most wonderful thing. Let me see this "map" you have created.
The third scribe comes forward.
the Pope wrote:What is thy name, ye who is humble in greatness?
third scribe wrote:It is edfel, your great Pontiffness.
the Pope wrote:Well, edfel, you have done a Great Deed. Arise and kneel.
edfel walks up to the Pope and kneels before him. The Pope raises high his hands and intones:
the Pope wrote:As Pope of the Order of the Holy Contradiction, in recognition of your Great Deed in creating a Holy Scroll with lines and labels and symbols and things, wherefore to guide us all whence and whither we wander, do I hereby Bless and Consecrate you and your Map and all lines and labels and symbols and things upon it, and I bestow upon thee, edfel, the title of Holy Catographer, that it be known for all Time, and for all of time, that any that are lost may gain enlightenment through you and your Map.
First Cleric wrote:Cartographer! Cartographer!. He can't even get a simple blessing right!
first scribe wrote:shush!
the Pope wrote:Arise edfel, your Meowjesty. It is sunset, there are berry trees, and there shall be a Great Feast in celebration of your Marvelous Map! Come, join us all and Wait For It!
The music starts up again, and the celebration begins as the camera pulls back to frame the dancing clerics and scribes against the sunset and the river.[fade out]