gmalivuk wrote:Think of it like a physical injury, then: if you injured your arm a year ago and it sill hurts too much to move, you should seek medical attention. I'm not implying that there is something wrong with you as a person for your arm continuing to hurt, but I am contending that it shouldn't still hurt that much and that you should seek professional help if it does.
Fair enough I guess. But then "emotional immaturity" doesn't seem like good phrasing. I'd even go so far to call it misleading.
And if, post-injury, my arm only
hurts when I try to open a tight jar lid with that arm, and I can either spend thousands on physical therapy or risky surgery which is not guaranteed to work, or I can buy one of those jar-opening thingies from the store for ten bucks and solve my problem that way, I don't think here's anything immature about weighing pros and cons and deciding on the latter.
Also, this analogy is shit and I know it. I don't think I can think up a better one right now.
That would be immature, if it were what I said, or if that were my reasoning behind it.
If that statement sounds like a strawman, it's because I really can't figure out how you can say "emotion X is an appropriate/inappropriate response to event/situation Y" without it being based in personal experience inappropriately projected onto someone else.
Well, okay, with the arm-injury thing, I guess it's more clear, but I still wouldn't call that "immature". That's like calling someone with a phobia of the ocean and deciding to live far inland "immature" for not instead going though a long and painful therapy so that they can enjoy swimming in the ocean, even though their new property backs onto a beautiful small river where they enjoy swimming every day.
I'm sure you can pick that
analogy apart, too, but I actually like that one.
Much better than the jar thing.
By the way, some of the words you use, like "traumatic" are strawmannish the other way. I never used "trauma" in my example and I didn't mean it that way. The fact that you use it tells me you're not really understanding what I'm saying.
To sum: I think we have different intellectual bins for appropriate and inappropriate human responses.
People react differently. I don't think it's right to tell a person there is a feeling they shouldn't have, or that their feeling shouldn't last as long as it does. That's for them to decide. "Emotional maturity" to me is being able to react to one's own feelings to optimize them in the longer term. Sometimes that just means waiting for an unpleasant feeling to pass. Sometimes it means getting oneself into therapy. Sometimes it does
mean taking drugs. And sometimes it just means ending a relationship. An emotionally immature response is one that leads to greater harm, either to oneself or others, because of an inability to interpret or react to one's own emotions. And emotionally mature response is one that improves one's emotional well-being while minimizing harm to oneself and others.
Cutting out a person out of your life, not because they did anything wrong, but because of your own emotional reaction to them, is therefore not immature.
Anyway, this may be my last post on this topic. Actually reading the whole thread has been exhausting. Fascinating
, but exhausting. And a little depressing. Reading about what people think is or should be appropriate behaviour, what responses typically cause emotional distress and which don't, just leads me to the conclusion that finding a romantic partner for myself is going to be ridiculously hard. I sometimes feel like I'm a different species to the people around me; they just don't make sense.
Nowhere is it more clear than ins communities like this, where the participants are clearly intelligent and experienced. I used to think that I was "different" just because I was a nerd who liked to read and just think about things a lot. But meeting other nerds, I realise I'm still
different. I haven't had much luck in relationships. This thread has been an enlightening look into what intelligent people think makes for appropriate courtship and... well, let's just say say I'm screwed. Not
in the good way.
So, it's been interesting, but I think I'm done for now. I'll go find something to cheer myself up with. IT does seem like the emotionally mature thing to do.
Though I'm sure someone will disagree.
Smiley face to end this on a positive note: