1363 - "xkcd Phone"

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1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby bachaddict » Fri May 02, 2014 4:05 am UTC

Image

Title text:
Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.

Clear screen? As in, not opaque?
Tell us: What apps does BHG have on his one?

https://xkcd.com/925/
This phone is caused by cancer.
Last edited by bachaddict on Fri May 02, 2014 10:34 am UTC, edited 3 times in total.
slinches wrote:Also, the OTC isn't a disease. In fact, it's the cure. As we all know, Time heals all wounds.

Thanks for the molpish wig ggh!
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby rhomboidal » Fri May 02, 2014 4:08 am UTC

Hehe, I so hope it giggles/flinches every time you touch it.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby bachaddict » Fri May 02, 2014 4:11 am UTC

The Android it's running is an actual humanoid robot, not the Google software.
slinches wrote:Also, the OTC isn't a disease. In fact, it's the cure. As we all know, Time heals all wounds.

Thanks for the molpish wig ggh!
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby hypersapien » Fri May 02, 2014 4:18 am UTC

I really wanted the title text to include "Do not taunt XKCD phone".

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby drosboro » Fri May 02, 2014 4:32 am UTC

hypersapien wrote:I really wanted the title text to include "Do not taunt XKCD phone".


Darn it. Came just to post a reference to Happy Fun Ball. Scooped by post #3. :)

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Primis » Fri May 02, 2014 4:44 am UTC

Is it supposed to come pre-loaded with Cortana instead?
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby slinches » Fri May 02, 2014 4:56 am UTC

I'd like to add that the only available ringtone is a goddamn ringing sound

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby chris857 » Fri May 02, 2014 4:57 am UTC

Oddly enough, the side-facing camera could vaguely be useful. Also, wouldn't a transparent phone be cool?

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby glasnt » Fri May 02, 2014 5:06 am UTC

[0] Do not look at the operational end of the device... etc

chris857 wrote:Oddly enough, the side-facing camera could vaguely be useful.


Just like a Samsung! http://www.slashgear.com/wp-content/upl ... _sg_12.jpg (with less snowboard stalking) http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/technology ... martwatch/

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby n079614 » Fri May 02, 2014 5:21 am UTC

Take my goddamned money!

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Wildcard » Fri May 02, 2014 5:47 am UTC

I'll buy one. How much?

Oh, wait...does it have the new IE patch? What about Heartbleed, I heard that's really bad. Does its heart bleed? :P
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby riT-k0MA » Fri May 02, 2014 6:39 am UTC

But does it run Ingress?

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby kyndo » Fri May 02, 2014 7:04 am UTC

"Whoooosh!....Hiiii-aaaarrhhggggg!*click**click**click*

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby keithl » Fri May 02, 2014 7:21 am UTC

Since the features are not mentioned, it does not connect to the telephone network or the internet. It may not come with an AC adapter; instead, it is charged by rubbing it vigorously on a wool carpet, or with a kite during thunderstorms. "Phone" is short for "xylophone" - mallets not included.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Djehutynakht » Fri May 02, 2014 7:24 am UTC

xkcdPhone: The smartphone of Romance, Sarcasm, Math and Language.

Does it have built-in raptor alerts?

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby improvnerd » Fri May 02, 2014 7:29 am UTC

"Accelerometer detects when phone is in free fall and makes it scream."

I actually wrote an iPhone app to do that last year. I never submitted it to the app store, but the source is on GitHub:

[Looks like my attempt to post the URL has been denied as spam. So Google "falling wilhelm github" to find it.]

BSD license. Help yourself.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Stotherd » Fri May 02, 2014 8:10 am UTC

Theres a few that do the screaming thing in the google play store... So tempted.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby orthogon » Fri May 02, 2014 8:11 am UTC

This is one of my favourites for while. "Realistic case" is one of those silly slow burners that makes me chuckle whenever I think about it, like "largest even prime".

The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby peregrine_crow » Fri May 02, 2014 8:38 am UTC

orthogon wrote:The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.


That actually sounds like a really interesting experiment. I'd download this app.
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby artaeun » Fri May 02, 2014 8:45 am UTC

peregrine_crow wrote:
orthogon wrote:The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.


That actually sounds like a really interesting experiment. I'd download this app.


I'd buy the phone :D

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Rombobjörn » Fri May 02, 2014 9:00 am UTC

orthogon wrote:However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones.

Everyone else moves relative to you, so their clocks should slow down, not speed up. But everyone else would expect your clock to slow down.


Is the screen clear in the sense that you can see the phone's circuit board through it?

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby PinkShinyRose » Fri May 02, 2014 9:05 am UTC

Only screams in free fall? That's troublesome to induce.
orthogon wrote:This is one of my favourites for while. "Realistic case" is one of those silly slow burners that makes me chuckle whenever I think about it, like "largest even prime".

The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.

I assumed it would display an offset to UTC, based on geographic location. If I understand correctly this would approach a time based on the speed at which the Greenwich observatory moves so it would compensate for your speed? I'm wondering what happens when surpassing the alternate c though, 100mph is just 160km/h right?

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby nigenet » Fri May 02, 2014 9:13 am UTC

Image

Can't believe Randall didn't add this sticker :D
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby improvnerd » Fri May 02, 2014 9:15 am UTC

I shot some video of the Falling Wilhelm app running:

[Again, my URLs are being flagged as spam. It's at vimeo, video #93583825.]

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby orthogon » Fri May 02, 2014 9:33 am UTC

Rombobjörn wrote:
orthogon wrote:However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones.

Everyone else moves relative to you, so their clocks should slow down, not speed up. But everyone else would expect your clock to slow down.

Right, thanks. One phone would have to be privileged, and the other phones would show the time as it would be seen by the owner of that phone. It would only be correct from the privileged phone's point of view and would be wrong for all the other phones. (A bit like those logos on sports pitches that appear to be vertical from one point in the stands). Alternatively the phone itself could show the time for each of the other phones (like the way Skype shows each of your contacts' local time). This wouldn't generally be the same as the proper time shown on those phones, but all phones would be doing the same thing and none would be privileged. Or something.
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby pduthie » Fri May 02, 2014 9:43 am UTC

improvnerd wrote:"Accelerometer detects when phone is in free fall and makes it scream."
I actually wrote an iPhone app to do that last year. I never submitted it to the app store, but the source is on GitHub:
[Looks like my attempt to post the URL has been denied as spam. So Google "falling wilhelm github" to find it.]
BSD license. Help yourself.


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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby bachaddict » Fri May 02, 2014 10:24 am UTC

riT-k0MA wrote:But does it run Ingress?


Run Ingress? It plays Ingress by itself. In the opposite faction to you.

improvnerd wrote:[Again, my URLs are being flagged as spam...]


Read the rules, get your post count to 5, then post links.
slinches wrote:Also, the OTC isn't a disease. In fact, it's the cure. As we all know, Time heals all wounds.

Thanks for the molpish wig ggh!
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby OP Tipping » Fri May 02, 2014 10:40 am UTC

Do not submerge in water; phone will drown.


---

I need a ruling. Should that be a colon?
a) Please explain the specific MEDICAL reason for ordering this MEDICATION !
b) Please state the nature of your ailment or injury.
c) One a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?
d) Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby orthogon » Fri May 02, 2014 10:47 am UTC

OP Tipping wrote:
Do not submerge in water; phone will drown.


---

I need a ruling. Should that be a colon?

Yes: "do not submerge in colon".
Ouch.
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Istaro » Fri May 02, 2014 10:53 am UTC

orthogon wrote:
OP Tipping wrote:
Do not submerge in water; phone will drown.


---

I need a ruling. Should that be a colon?

Yes: "do not submerge in a colon".
Ouch.


FTFY ;)

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby cellocgw » Fri May 02, 2014 11:17 am UTC

I'd totally pay into a KickStarter for this.

But I want the Active Wallpaper to play 1190 from beginning to end.

Does it have the ButterFly plug-in for emacs?
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby rmsgrey » Fri May 02, 2014 12:12 pm UTC

OP Tipping wrote:
Do not submerge in water; phone will drown.


---

I need a ruling. Should that be a colon?


Grammatically: yes.

Stylistically: possibly.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Moose Anus » Fri May 02, 2014 2:43 pm UTC

peregrine_crow wrote:
orthogon wrote:The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.


That actually sounds like a really interesting experiment. I'd download this app.
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby CharlieBing » Fri May 02, 2014 3:25 pm UTC

[quote="improvnerd"]"I actually wrote an iPhone app to do that last year. I never submitted it to the app store, but the source is on GitHub:

This is brilliant! There's even a Vimeo here:

http://vimeo.com/93583825

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby shieldforyoureyes » Fri May 02, 2014 3:42 pm UTC

"Runs custom blend of android and ios" reminds me of my dream machine, which is basically a mashup of late 90s Sun & SGI. I want sbus *and* xio, and Solaris runinng on R12000's, dammit.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Jackpot777 » Fri May 02, 2014 3:50 pm UTC

Exterior may be frictionless.

Accelerometer detects when phone is in free fall and makes it scream.


Image

Energy crisis is over, boys. These phones can power themselves and the world.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby orthogon » Fri May 02, 2014 3:55 pm UTC

Moose Anus wrote:
peregrine_crow wrote:
orthogon wrote:The alternative speed of light simulation is genius, and would actually be a good app for getting an intuitive feel for Relativity. If it hasn't been done already, it should have. I wouldn't have it actually change the system clock, but it could display a big clock with a button to synchronise it to UTC. However, if I understand correctly (which is unlikely), if you always carry your phone with you, doesn't its clock measure your proper time, so it shouldn't appear to slow down or speed up? Instead what the slow-c simulator needs to do is adjust (speed up?) the clocks on everyone else's phones. You could make that work by having the phones share their locations via the intertubes.


That actually sounds like a really interesting experiment. I'd download this app.
You can download the application here.

Man, that is freaky. Time dilation is just one of the weird effects, and not even the weirdest. I wonder if you could make an augmented reality app that did that? Doppler shift should be ok provided you could capture IR and UV; the runtime effect and time dilation would need a bit of buffering to delay different parts of the image, combined with some range estimation (or laser ranging). And the Lorenz transformation is probably do-able too. Probably best not to try to drive while wearing the glasses though.
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby xtifr » Fri May 02, 2014 6:17 pm UTC

Djehutynakht wrote:Does it have built-in raptor alerts?

Yes, but the reviews of the app are somewhat mixed.

cellocgw wrote:Does it have the ButterFly plug-in for emacs?

You're kidding, right? The whole Android/iOS mashup is simply a layer running on top of EmacsOS!
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby Quizatzhaderac » Fri May 02, 2014 8:56 pm UTC

My favorite part is the slogan "Your mobile world just went digital". One of these days I'm going to write a rotary dial app.

PinkShinyRose wrote:I assumed it would display an offset to UTC, based on geographic location. If I understand correctly this would approach a time based on the speed at which the Greenwich observatory moves so it would compensate for your speed? I'm wondering what happens when surpassing the alternate c though, 100mph is just 160km/h right?
I see two options when you travel at 200 mph:
1) Clock goes back one imaginary minute for every minute of your proper time. (plugging v= 2c into he Lorentz factor)
2) It assumes you have 200 times the momentum you'd have at 1 mph, which would be 89 mph and 2.236 world minutes per personal minute.
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Re: 1363 - "xkcd Phone"

Postby keithl » Fri May 02, 2014 10:20 pm UTC

orthogon wrote:The alternative speed of light simulation is genius ...
Yes, but if you travel by jet plane faster than the alternative speed of light, does the phone go backwards in time and kill your alternative* father?

(*) The fellow your mother would have married if a patricidal time traveller had killed your actual father.


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