1484:"Apollo Speeches"

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keithl
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1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby keithl » Mon Feb 09, 2015 5:51 am UTC

Image
title="While our commitment to recycling initiatives has been unwavering, this is not a cost any of us should be expected to pay."
http://xkcd.com/1484/

"As radiation levels rise towards lethal, here in the shelter deep beneath the White House, we regret that your launch towards the moon was misinterpreted by the Soviets as the first nuclear salvo of world war three. Their devastating response, and our retaliation, have rendered the Earth you had hoped to return to uninhabitable ... "

[edit by keithl: full picture restored with Angua's guidance, so now-irrelevant comment removed. Sorry for the missing space between : and " in the forum topic title :-( ]
Last edited by keithl on Tue Feb 10, 2015 5:52 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby rhomboidal » Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:02 am UTC

I think the White House could've quickly improvised an Irate Moon Men Attack Earth contingency with "President Nixon: AIEEEEEEEEEE...!!! (Ad libitum)"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Envelope Generator » Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:02 am UTC

"It is with great regret that we in the White House have followed the incoming reports of suspicious elements and anomalies in the footage and telemetry from the purported landing site..."
I'm going to step off the LEM now... here we are, Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby The Devils Engineer » Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:16 am UTC

In Event Spacecraft Returns with Gorgeous Space Babes: "We of course have many questions, and in the days and weeks to come we will demand answers. Of course, since they look SO hot, we won't care about the answers... (cue Orion Slave Girls)"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Dizzen » Mon Feb 09, 2015 7:00 am UTC

In Event Apollo Mission Discovers Moon Made of Cheese After All: The stars have seen fit to return some of our wayward childhood whimsy to us this week, as a belief many of us had long discarded has now firmly reasserted itself into the icebox of truth. Yet we cannot allow ourselves to become complacent due to the puerile nature of this discovery, and so I call upon our nation's lawmakers to not delay in drafting firm import regulations to protect our nation's dairy industry.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby JBridge » Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:12 am UTC

For the record, I made a writing prompt based on this speech. Got a good response, too.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Andries » Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:32 am UTC

Envelope Generator wrote:"It is with great regret that we in the White House have followed the incoming reports of suspicious elements and anomalies in the footage and telemetry from the purported landing site..."


:lol:

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby TheEngineer » Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:24 am UTC

"There are still unanswered questions - why were Armstrong & Aldrin not in the Command Module? How did Collins sustain that horrific stomach injury? What are the strange scurrying noises now heard at night on the USS Orion and what is the cause of the molecular acid burns to it's superstructure?"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Bongle » Mon Feb 09, 2015 12:50 pm UTC

The "hit the carrier" wasn't so far-fetched: after the mercury missions started achieving more and more accurate landings, there was a memo sent to the navy saying something like "since the spacecraft flew _over_ the recovery fleet and only landed 2 miles away, to avoid disaster in future missions please stand off from the targeted landing site".

Source: My memory of Gene Kranz' biography.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby CorruptUser » Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:39 pm UTC

What, no speech if it turns out the moon was a sound stage?

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby orthogon » Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:40 pm UTC

For some reason, I just read "our courageous astronauts ... carried the hopes and prayers of Middle Earth to the heavens". Must be the Tolkeinesque prose style.
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Whizbang » Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:53 pm UTC

The speech Armstrong prepared in the event they return to a planet filled with intelligent apes.

Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby dp2 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 2:35 pm UTC


Who
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Who » Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:37 pm UTC

Did Nixon have a speech prepared for the scenario where everything went totally fine? Because I can't find it.

Edit: Google delivers a bunch of results for the speech which might have happened if they were trapped, but nothing for the speech which was given when they returned.
Last edited by Who on Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:27 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Sprocket » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:22 pm UTC

lol!

dp2, I immediately thought of that Dana Carvey sketch too.
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby a9s » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:39 pm UTC

Other speeches which remain classified:

  • In event NASA accidentally used the wrong rocket
  • In event spacecraft misses target and lands on previously unknown second Moon
  • In event Moon was made of antimatter
  • In event second Moon was made of antimatter

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby da Doctah » Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:57 pm UTC

I'd like to see the speech Nixon was going to give if Apollo came back with three aliens in it instead of Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins because of the exchange worked out with the moon people. You know, the one that begins "I for one welcome our new Lunar overlords..."

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby serutan » Tue Feb 10, 2015 2:42 am UTC

Re: Abscond speech:

[Graham Chaman mode] This is SILLY! [/Graham Chapman mode]

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Ae7flux » Tue Feb 10, 2015 8:36 am UTC

Pretty irresponsible that there is no speech for the highly likely eventuality that the capsule lands in Wimbledon with two of the three astronauts missing.
There is an x such that x entirely fails to signify just in case x lacks a specific combination of rotary and reciprocating motion.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby mathmannix » Tue Feb 10, 2015 4:12 pm UTC

Who wrote:Did Nixon have a speech prepared for the scenario where everything went totally fine? Because I can't find it.

Edit: Google delivers a bunch of results for the speech which might have happened if they were trapped, but nothing for the speech which was given when they returned.

Well, not sure if this is exactly what we're looking for, but...
here is the transcript of the phone call from President Nixon to the moon (I think that would be long distance?)
and
here is the welcome President Nixon gave the astronauts upon their return to Earthican soil.
I hear velociraptor tastes like chicken.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby richP » Tue Feb 10, 2015 8:19 pm UTC

Ae7flux wrote:Pretty irresponsible that there is no speech for the highly likely eventuality that the capsule lands in Wimbledon with two of the three astronauts missing.


Got to cover all possibilities!

"Forhmer Pressident Gerald Ford died today after being eaten by wolves... Awwh, come on! How likely is that to happen?"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Coyoty » Tue Feb 10, 2015 9:02 pm UTC

"It is with deep regret that we must report and apologize for the destruction of the moon. We have learned that while a 1950s project called A-119 had been discontinued, at least on paper, those working on the project were not actually informed, and believed the A-11 mission was actually A-119 with a typographical error..."

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby orthogon » Tue Feb 10, 2015 9:11 pm UTC

richP wrote:
Ae7flux wrote:Pretty irresponsible that there is no speech for the highly likely eventuality that the capsule lands in Wimbledon with two of the three astronauts missing.


Got to cover all possibilities!

"Forhmer Pressident Gerald Ford died today after being eaten by wolves... Awwh, come on! How likely is that to happen?"

Much more likely than having two revisions in your git repository with the same hash, apparently...
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby serutan » Wed Feb 11, 2015 2:47 am UTC

Ae7flux wrote:Pretty irresponsible that there is no speech for the highly likely eventuality that the capsule lands in Wimbledon with two of the three astronauts missing.


Or with all three turned into Scotsmen.
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Carlington » Wed Feb 11, 2015 3:19 am UTC

You're no fun anymore!
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby StClair » Wed Feb 11, 2015 3:28 am UTC

"By now, all have observed the startling change to the face of our celestial neighbor. Let me assure you that the possibility that the Lunar Module might accidentally puncture the Moon's surface, causing it to begin deflating, was considered to be extremely unlikely..."

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby da Doctah » Wed Feb 11, 2015 11:23 am UTC

Artist's conception:

Image

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby rmsgrey » Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:59 pm UTC

"While the moon's hatching out a giant space dragon was not anticipated, due to the resourcefulness of all at mission control, the three astronauts have returned safely to Earth, and the new space dragon egg is confirmed to be in a stable orbit."

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Andries » Wed Feb 11, 2015 6:20 pm UTC

I was rather hoping for "Klaatu barada nikto"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Coyoty » Wed Feb 11, 2015 8:20 pm UTC

"While this administration is grateful for the assistance of the astounding individual now known as Rocket Hat for the rescue of our astronauts from the previously unknown Moon Men people, we do not condone his violent actions against them, especially their Emperor, which have jeopardized any diplomatic relations we would pursue with out new neighbors."

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Lenoxus » Wed Feb 11, 2015 9:02 pm UTC

The "absconding" one made me think of this sketch (warning: lots of NSFW language).

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby ubikuberalles » Thu Feb 12, 2015 4:28 pm UTC

My first thought was an announcement that the Apollo astronauts found a secret Nazi Moon Base that's been in place since WWII. In other words, the plot to Rocket Ship Galileo.
Ranch!

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby juoceano » Fri Feb 13, 2015 11:48 am UTC

I just read the original "In event of a moon disaster" (from the presidente library archives) and I am intrigued why he only mentioned 2 astrounauts instead of three.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Klear » Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:29 pm UTC

juoceano wrote:I just read the original "In event of a moon disaster" (from the presidente library archives) and I am intrigued why he only mentioned 2 astrounauts instead of three.


I guess they operated with the case where Armstong and Aldrin stayed on the Moon for some reason, but Collins was able to return?

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby sevenperforce » Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:51 pm UTC

Klear wrote:
juoceano wrote:I just read the original "In event of a moon disaster" (from the presidente library archives) and I am intrigued why he only mentioned 2 astrounauts instead of three.


I guess they operated with the case where Armstong and Aldrin stayed on the Moon for some reason, but Collins was able to return?

If, for example, the Eagle failed to take off, or failed to make its lunar rendezvous, or broke up on landing, or something like that.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby gmalivuk » Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:47 pm UTC

Whizbang wrote:The speech Armstrong prepared in the event they return to a planet filled with intelligent apes.
That is what happened, technically.
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Pfhorrest » Sat Feb 14, 2015 6:43 pm UTC

Eh, I have reservations about that combination of "intelligent" and "filled with". Filled with apes, sure. Some of them intelligent, sure. Filled with intelligent apes? That's stretching it…
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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby Flumble » Sat Feb 14, 2015 7:06 pm UTC

Pfhorrest wrote:Eh, I have reservations about that combination of "intelligent" and "filled with". Filled with apes, sure. Some of them intelligent, sure. Filled with intelligent apes? That's stretching it…

In the context of "apes" –i.e. approaching the subjects biologically– intelligence often requires no more than "able to use a tool" or "understanding that your mirror image isn't another person". Nearly every ape around here can satisfies such levels of intelligence.
Most even understand hypotheticals and can produce speech.

Even more evidence: they show something resembling rejoice when shown footage of a man standing on the moon, insinuating they have a grasp of the achievement and empathy.

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby da Doctah » Sun Feb 15, 2015 1:24 am UTC

Flumble wrote:intelligence often requires no more than "able to use a tool" or "understanding that your mirror image isn't another person". Nearly every ape around here can satisfies such levels of intelligence.

So can a substantial portion of the local grackle population. I see them at reflective windows behaving in basically three different ways: "a potential mate; court!" "a potential rival; attack!" and "I am such an awesome stud; preen!"

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Re: 1484:"Apollo Speeches"

Postby PinkShinyRose » Sun Feb 15, 2015 3:51 am UTC

Pfhorrest wrote:Eh, I have reservations about that combination of "intelligent" and "filled with". Filled with apes, sure. Some of them intelligent, sure. Filled with intelligent apes? That's stretching it…

I think most of the earths surface area is apeless. I would even go as far as to say I suspect that most of the earths surface area has no ape within 0.01° in any direction. Biosphere-wise I do think we're well on our way to filling it with apes.


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