1917: "How to Make Friends"

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1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby chridd » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:06 am UTC

Image
Title text: No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!

...I don't know how to make friends either. I think a compass and protractor?

(By the way, I made a thing that generates the correct title and comic link and I'm testing it out right now.)

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby TV4Fun » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:11 am UTC

Yeah, this whole "talking without doing other things" thing is something I struggle with as well.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby rhomboidal » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:19 am UTC

"If you don't want to talk, we can just sit silently and stare at each other. I'm friendly like that."

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby player_03 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:33 am UTC

chridd wrote:...I don't know how to make friends either. I think a compass and protractor?


That reminds me, Randall already made a comic like this. Guess he's just updating us on his progress (or lack thereof).

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Pfhorrest » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:15 am UTC

How to make friends, apparently:

1) Don't care about making friends.
2) Be around other people.
3) They mysteriously like you for some reason.
4) ???
5) Profit!

I don't really have what I would think of as "friends", like people in real life that I hang out with and do stuff, because about the only person I hang out and do stuff with is my girlfriend (who I guess counts as a subset of "friends", but "friends proper" is paraphyletic, if you know what I mean). And I don't really care because I'm super busy and don't at all bother trying to make friends because ain't nobody got time for that. I also have (undiagnosed) prosopagnosia so for the most part anybody I don't see all the time enough to remember them well is just a stranger to me, unless I've had some terrible unpleasant experience with them in which case they're an enemy. And I generally expect all of those people see me the same way: I'm some nobody, unless I pissed someone off. But aforementioned girlfriend informs me that, apparently, everybody seems to really like me. Like, not just her saying that to cheer me up, but like complaining how everywhere we go everyone pays attention to me and is really friendly to me but ignores her and everyone seems to know me and go out of their way to be especially nice to me while she's just invisible and not there. And I had no idea until she recently told me this. And I still have no idea why. I have no idea who any of these people are. Why would they like me?
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Gammarad » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:58 am UTC

How you make friends is kind of like how you get a job or a romantic partner.

Have some positive attributes, not too many negative attributes, and happen across a person who wants a friend (or employee or romantic partner) and who appreciates your positive attributes and doesn't mind your negative ones. [And who didn't meet anyone who was a better candidate than you...]

It helps if you don't need a friend (or job or romantic partner).

The specific attributes people look for in friends or look not to have? I can only guess what some common ones are. Common interests of course. Not being a jerk. Not being whiny. Being happy with yourself. Confidence. Not being afraid of strangers?

Ask a few questions about their present life (family, job, pets), past experiences (places they've visited, lived, worked, studied), interest in popular arts (music, movies, TV, what else do they like if anything), and see if you can find a commonality or common interest, then talk about that. You both have a child in preschool? You both like Game of Thrones? You both went to college on the West Coast? You both used to work in a supermarket? Or hey, you both like xkcd :mrgreen:

People made friends chatting about Time, I think :lol:
Last edited by Gammarad on Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:03 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby gormster » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:03 am UTC

Pfhorrest wrote:Why would they like me?


Maybe it's because you treat them with kindness and politeness, the way you would treat a stranger? Or because you're not really sure who is and isn't a person you've met before, you treat everyone as kind of equal acquaintances and thus feel at ease with new people?

I've noticed a friend who also suffers from prosopagnosia has the same thing, a very broad and active social scene. And yet if I change clothes while I'm hanging out with him I'll come back to a completely blank face.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Gammarad » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:04 am UTC

I have a mild bit of faceblindness too. I have recently become higher profile at work and dozens of people know my name now who I have no idea who they are. They say hello in such a friendly way. It's giving me the heebie jeebies.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Pfhorrest » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:16 am UTC

gormster wrote:Maybe it's because you treat them with kindness and politeness, the way you would treat a stranger? Or because you're not really sure who is and isn't a person you've met before, you treat everyone as kind of equal acquaintances and thus feel at ease with new people?

I would say those things are both true of me, and that's a good hypothesis I think. I've always thought of my you're-all-strangers-to-me attitude as something I'm kind of embarrassed about, like "I don't really care about any of you as individuals because I have no idea who any of you are, I just kinda abstractly care about not being a jerk for no reason and, seeing as how I have no idea who you are, I have no reason to be a jerk to you unless you're obviously being a jerk first". It seems like it'd be a really callous thing to tell someone, like they mean nothing to me. But I guess it does end up with me treating everybody, what I think of as "neutrally", but I guess that's kind and polite?

a very broad and active social scene.

That is definitely not true of me today. At least, not that I'm aware of; maybe a bunch of people think I'm their friend and I don't know who they are? But back in college, I decided that after having almost no friends for my whole childhood, I wanted to give friends a try, and for a few years put real effort into it and had a huge social scene. Which turned out to be more effort than it was worth so I stopped trying so hard, and eventually ended up being a homebody spending all my time alone again.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby somitomi » Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:45 am UTC

It's simple. Just become friends with faraway strangers from the internet, so you can avoid the problem of having to do something together.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby da Doctah » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:26 am UTC

Worst advice anyone ever gave anyone, in any context: "Just be yourself".

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby markfiend » Fri Nov 17, 2017 12:31 pm UTC

da Doctah wrote:Worst advice anyone ever gave anyone, in any context: "Just be yourself".

I dunno, it seems like a tautology to me. Who else am I going to be?
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby cellocgw » Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:40 pm UTC

Face it: all of us are introverts and borderline Aspberger's or worse, so of course we're rotten at making friends. As long as you/we are comfortable with our limited social life, don't let normals who think they're helping make you feel guilty.
It's the same thing I tell women who have no interest in creating new copies of their DNA -- if they're comfortable not bearing or raising children, just ignore the well-meaning normals who think any childless person must be suffering from extreme depression as a result.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby DanAxtell » Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:03 pm UTC

#1917 reminds me of my favorite Buttersafe comic ever:
http://buttersafe.com/2016/10/20/wheres-your-costume/
I think it's that they both look like a mirror when I hold it at just the right angle.
(I love ironic, self-deprecating humor, but I'm not very good at it.)

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby richP » Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:28 pm UTC

I'd say this is a GOOMHR comic, but it's more of a: "I'm glad you're in here with me Randall" comic. This is one of those that hits way too close, but will go over the heads of those that don't relate.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Heimhenge » Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:50 pm UTC

markfiend wrote:
da Doctah wrote:Worst advice anyone ever gave anyone, in any context: "Just be yourself".

I dunno, it seems like a tautology to me. Who else am I going to be?


Someone who feigns interest in a topic to buy some time. Then you can look for "cracks" in the discussion that segue you to a true common interest. Doesn't always work, but works often enough. White lies are cool in situations like this.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Stargazer71 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 4:23 pm UTC

da Doctah wrote:Worst advice anyone ever gave anyone, in any context: "Just be yourself".


I think I remember reading about a baseball pitcher this year (might have been Kershaw) who wore a shirt that said:

> Just be yourself. If that doesn't work, then panic and change everything.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby chridd » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:13 pm UTC

Gammarad wrote:How you make friends is kind of like how you get a job or a romantic partner.
You say that as if those are things we know how to do...
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Sonic# » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:57 pm UTC

For me, friendships are bound to form when there are two or more points of regular contact, at least one of which is voluntary.

In college, this is often easy: (1) Class/club/circle of acquaintances; (2) You go do some other activity or activities together.

After that, I've found friendship to be of a couple of types:
Friends from hobbies. So these are people I'll game with (tabletop RPGs, video games, or board games) and we'll invite each other to parties or go out for drinks or hang out with each other and our partners.
Friends from work. So we have work in common, and then we also have at least some other activity we do that's outside of work. Trivia? Games?

One point of contact makes an acquaintance, a colleague, a someone I can be social with. They don't make the short list of people I'd share free concert tickets with, or people I'd ask a ride from if my car broke down.

In all of these cases, there's at least one part that involves initiative on someone's part. Someone has to make an invitation sometime. I'm an introvert; I understand it takes effort and can feel risky and nervous to ask to hang out or do something else. Still, it's important to make some effort to maintain these relationships if a friendship is important. Otherwise they might no longer be friends, or they might go in the special category of dormant friends, which is what happens to people who move to other places. I know I can ask to stay with them and that we have enough in common that we'd be in regular contact if we were together.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby addams » Sat Nov 18, 2017 5:23 am UTC

I love this comic.
It understands me.
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby xtifr » Thu Nov 23, 2017 1:25 am UTC

cellocgw wrote:Face it: all of us are introverts and borderline Aspberger's or worse, so of course we're rotten at making friends.

Speak for yourself. While a lot of geeks are introverts or borderline aspie, a lot of us are definitely not. To assume we all are is to buy into ridiculous media stereotypes.

Some geeks are like Tesla, but some are like Feynman. I like bongo drums. :mrgreen:
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby ericgrau » Thu Nov 23, 2017 5:57 am UTC

1. Find other person(s).
2. Do stuff with other person(s).
3. You're over-complicating it if there's a 3, but it's ok to have a 0 to cheat the meet-ups.

Saying hi and grabbing a meal out of the blue is difficult. Clubs and other organizations are an easy way out. One good nerd way is a dungeon's and dragons group. Then you say "Hey, let's have lunch together some time", and go from there. Or play other games. Or whatever. Or join any other group. D&D actually helped me when I was in a rut.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby xtifr » Thu Nov 23, 2017 8:36 am UTC

Of course, advances in AI should soon give us a whole new set of answers to the question "how do I make friends?" :)
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby karhell » Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:36 am UTC

xtifr wrote:Of course, advances in AI should soon give us a whole new set of answers to the question "how do I make friends?" :)

When I am feeling lonely
For Igor I will send;
We'll go to my laboratory
And we will make a friend.

Colin McNaughton - Making Friends with Frankenstein
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby ericgrau » Thu Nov 23, 2017 4:02 pm UTC

xtifr wrote:Of course, advances in AI should soon give us a whole new set of answers to the question "how do I make friends?" :)


I dunno, I feel awkward starting a conversation out of the blue with an AI.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Keybounce » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:44 am UTC

$ make friend
make: *** No rule to make target 'friend'. Stop.
$

... Still trying to figure this out.
<this space on hold>

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby da Doctah » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:01 pm UTC

karhell wrote:
xtifr wrote:Of course, advances in AI should soon give us a whole new set of answers to the question "how do I make friends?" :)

When I am feeling lonely
For Igor I will send;
We'll go to my laboratory
And we will make a friend.

Colin McNaughton - Making Friends with Frankenstein


Victor Frankenstein: bodybuilding pioneer.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby orthogon » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:10 pm UTC

Keybounce wrote:$ make friend
make: *** No rule to make target 'friend'. Stop.
$

... Still trying to figure this out.

:D

Somebody must have written a big Makefile with targets like "love", "war", "promises", "whoopee" etc.

This reminds me of a moment of frustration whilst working on my MEng project, when I typed "fuck off" into the MATLAB command line, only to be told that "this command has been deprecated and will be removed in future versions". I thought the deprecation thing was the joke, but I later discovered that the exact same warning was issued for commands that really were being deprecated. This makes me wonder what the command itself actually did. Presumably there was a "fuck" command, with an argument that could be "off" or "on", by analogy with, e.g. "grid".
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Soupspoon » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:49 pm UTC

It could well have been an accepted system-level alias for fsck, given that fsck is a RL alias for it...

(The best command-level error message I ever encountered was the one on a particular system I used that intercepted attempts to "alias unalias FOO" to tell me it didn't want to do that, because things (only partly paraphrasing) "would get silly".)

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby xtifr » Mon Nov 27, 2017 8:06 pm UTC

When it comes to making friends, I think Pygmalion beat Victor Von Frankenstein by many centuries.

(Although I am a bit surprised to discover that Victor beat Geppetto by about 60 years. For some reason, I thought it was the other way around.)
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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby rmsgrey » Mon Nov 27, 2017 10:01 pm UTC

xtifr wrote:When it comes to making friends, I think Pygmalion beat Victor Von Frankenstein by many centuries.

(Although I am a bit surprised to discover that Victor beat Geppetto by about 60 years. For some reason, I thought it was the other way around.)


$deity got there first...

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby da Doctah » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:08 pm UTC

xtifr wrote:When it comes to making friends, I think Pygmalion beat Victor Von Frankenstein by many centuries.

(Although I am a bit surprised to discover that Victor beat Geppetto by about 60 years. For some reason, I thought it was the other way around.)


And then there was Rabbi Loew of Prague.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby Keybounce » Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:22 pm UTC

"Make" once had rules for "love" hardwired.
<this space on hold>

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby candybrie4zo » Fri Dec 08, 2017 4:57 am UTC

ericgrau wrote:1. Find other person(s).
2. Do stuff with other person(s).
3. You're over-complicating it if there's a 3, but it's ok to have a 0 to cheat the meet-ups.

Saying hi and grabbing a meal out of the blue is difficult. Clubs and other organizations are an easy way out. One good nerd way is a dungeon's and dragons group. Then you say "Hey, let's have lunch together some time", and go from there. Or play other games. Or whatever. Or join any other group. D&D actually helped me when I was in a rut.


I can think of few things more socially terrifying than D&D. At least with parties and things of that nature I can easily slip away or not talk and mostly listen. But usually hours of required interaction where my input can actually negatively impact things for other people? Ugh.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby ericgrau » Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:51 pm UTC

candybrie4zo wrote:
ericgrau wrote:1. Find other person(s).
2. Do stuff with other person(s).
3. You're over-complicating it if there's a 3, but it's ok to have a 0 to cheat the meet-ups.

Saying hi and grabbing a meal out of the blue is difficult. Clubs and other organizations are an easy way out. One good nerd way is a dungeon's and dragons group. Then you say "Hey, let's have lunch together some time", and go from there. Or play other games. Or whatever. Or join any other group. D&D actually helped me when I was in a rut.


I can think of few things more socially terrifying than D&D. At least with parties and things of that nature I can easily slip away or not talk and mostly listen. But usually hours of required interaction where my input can actually negatively impact things for other people? Ugh.


The drama is half the fun. I actually started in a pretty brutal D&D group. There were fights over character decisions due to the high difficulty.
That's something that never happened in any other groups afterwards where DMs would pull punches when things got rough.

But any other group works too. Perhaps better, or some worse, but whatever works. Point is to join one.

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Re: 1917: "How to Make Friends"

Postby rmsgrey » Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:06 pm UTC

candybrie4zo wrote:I can think of few things more socially terrifying than D&D. At least with parties and things of that nature I can easily slip away or not talk and mostly listen. But usually hours of required interaction where my input can actually negatively impact things for other people? Ugh.

Advantages of D&D: you're not expected to create conversation topics, and conversation isn't about yourself. You can keep your contributions pretty minimal and let other people make the plans, and when you are required to do things, while you can be creative, most of the time, you're just selecting from a preset list of options, which makes it simpler.

Unlike "real life", D&D has clear better and worse answers, and provides clear measures of progress/success. In real life, if you have a social interaction, unless it goes very well or very badly, it's very hard to tell where in that intermediate range things turned out.


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