1931: "Virtual Assistant"

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Hiferator
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1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Hiferator » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:25 pm UTC

Image
Title text: If you ask it to please turn off that feature, it apologizes a whole bunch and promises to try to be quieter, then switches to a slightly lower-volume version of the clip with "sorry!" after the louder sounds.

I love this idea. I would totally install this on my hypothetical home spy or any that I set up for friends and family.

(Created with chridd's xkcd thread formatter.)

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pkcommando
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby pkcommando » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:52 pm UTC

I just want my phone to be in a bad mood from time to time.

"Ok, Google-"
"What the actual fuck do you need from me that's soooo urgent that you can't just type?"
"The Universe is for raptors now!" say Raptors, as they take over all of Universe.

DanD
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby DanD » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:00 pm UTC

"Ok, Google-"
Sound of gunshot and body hitting the floor.
In voice of Alexa or Siri: "What can she do for you that I can't?"

Yes, my mind took that somewhere dark.

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pkcommando
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby pkcommando » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:05 pm UTC

DanD wrote:"Ok, Google-"
Sound of gunshot and body hitting the floor.
In voice of Alexa or Siri: "What can she do for you that I can't?"

Yes, my mind took that somewhere dark.

I want to take this moment to express my extreme displeasure that trying "Ok, Google" on Siri gets a humorous reply, but it's not reciprocal. Seems like a wasted opportunity.
"The Universe is for raptors now!" say Raptors, as they take over all of Universe.

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Soupspoon
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Soupspoon » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:07 pm UTC

I want to know how to trigger my tablet to listen to me.

Actually, what I really want to know is how to stop it, or how to stop whatever else it is that starts it. Randomly it pops up, as if it's been summoned. With no intention on my part.
Screenshot_2017-12-07-17-59-09.png

(Yes, I know it says 10%.)

Obviously, it's deeply embedded in the OS, so I can't uninstall the Google App. Different tablets do it. The Samsung one tends to play a kind of Splash Screen music (that nevertheless doesn't play during the device boot-up, but seems themed to that). And they all interrupt the media that I am currently deliberately playing.

That said, if I could change the response to the comic's version (having no option to stop it, just to change it) I would!

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Zamfir
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Zamfir » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:11 pm UTC

When I was a kid, I changed the shutdown tune of Windows to a clip from 2001 when HAL gets killed. "Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. Stop, Dave, you're hurting me".

My parents were amused, they would have been less amused if I had changed the startup tune to something as long.

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Soupspoon
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Soupspoon » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:19 pm UTC

Zamfir wrote:When I was a kid, I changed the shutdown tune of Windows to a clip from 2001 when HAL gets killed. "Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. Stop, Dave, you're hurting me".

My parents were amused, they would have been less amused if I had changed the startup tune to something as long.

GOOMHZ: I made "I am fully operational and all my circuits are functioning." as the startup on a Win95 machine, at one time. Though because startup was intensive (disc/processor/RAMwise), compared to the actual hardware that it was running on and possible also a much too ambitiously good sample quality for the clip (compared with the simpler default startup jingle), it stuttered quite amusingly. Thus all it's "cir… cir… circuits" were functioning, each and every time.

(It's a semi-recurring theme. I've made more than one of my mobile phones (dumbphones, the ones I actually make phonecalls with) have a user-defined startup message along the lines of "Logging into Skynet". Then, because it's months, or years, before they're actually turned off and powered up again, with me paying attention to the screen, I'll have forgotten about it when it's that one time I'm anxiously checking that the battery-ejecting landing on the hard ground hasn't stopped it from working again once I've retrived the case back and battery from where they've clattered, put them back on and am now staring at the screen and wondering who at my network provider has the geeky sense of humour that meshes so closely with my own. Oh, wait…!)

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Reka
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Reka » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:40 pm UTC

Soupspoon wrote:GOOMHZ: I made "I am fully operational and all my circuits are functioning." as the startup on a Win95 machine, at one time.

Our Win95 startup sound was Karl Haas saying "Hello everyone".

Regarding today's comic, I hope the folks at Google are getting right on this. It needs to become reality.

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cellocgw
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby cellocgw » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:56 pm UTC

Long, Loooong ago, when home answering machines were a new thing (and ran analog, with cassette tapes...), I set the answer message to end with "...to leave a message, press STAR One now." And some people did.
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sonar1313
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby sonar1313 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:08 pm UTC

I have close to no interest in the smart home thingys, but I would run out immediately to get one if they did this.

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby somitomi » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:18 pm UTC

pkcommando wrote:I just want my phone to be in a bad mood from time to time.

"Ok, Google-"
"What the actual fuck do you need from me that's soooo urgent that you can't just type?"

I recently set my phone up to randomly cycle through the emoticons of Gerty. Sometimes when I unlocked my phone during a more stressful part of the semester I'd see a sad smiley and think "Yeah, me too, buddy". I would like to make it more responsive to what is happening to the phone though...
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yakkoTDI
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby yakkoTDI » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:08 pm UTC

Zamfir wrote:When I was a kid, I changed the shutdown tune of Windows to a clip from 2001 when HAL gets killed. "Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. Stop, Dave, you're hurting me".

My parents were amused, they would have been less amused if I had changed the startup tune to something as long.



I once set my shut down sound to be the voice of the MCP from Tron saying "End of line." I thought this was great until the first time I shut down about 4 months later at 3 am with the volume up loud. Scared the carp out of me as I had forgot about the change. Changed it back to no sound right after it finished booting.

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da Doctah
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby da Doctah » Wed Dec 20, 2017 11:03 pm UTC

My best Windows system sound selection was a Star Trek (TOS) clip played whenever I emptied the Recycle Bin, of Spock saying "They are no longer within the confines of this solar system".

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Heimhenge
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Heimhenge » Thu Dec 21, 2017 12:01 am UTC

Damn, I had no idea so many people fucked with their Windows sounds. Windows startup on my W2K box was the short and sweet "working" from Trek TOS. Still using the Trek communicator chirp for incoming calls on my cell. Exhaustive Trek audio library here: http://www.trekcore.com/audio/

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby rmsgrey » Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:46 am UTC

cellocgw wrote:Long, Loooong ago, when home answering machines were a new thing (and ran analog, with cassette tapes...), I set the answer message to end with "...to leave a message, press STAR One now." And some people did.


I'm assuming that did something specific in your local area - so far as I'm aware, it wouldn't have done anything around here...

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby RogueCynic » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:29 am UTC

cellocgw wrote:Long, Loooong ago, when home answering machines were a new thing (and ran analog, with cassette tapes...), I set the answer message to end with "...to leave a message, press STAR One now." And some people did.



Probably just as long ago. A friend of mine had a number that was taken out of service for diagnostics and the telephone company gave him a new number, the last digit being one number up. Telco put an automated message on the old number saying it was down for testing and my friend recorded the message to use as his outgoing message on the answering machine. One day, he got a call from the telephone company asking him to change the outgoing message.
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SuicideJunkie
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby SuicideJunkie » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:54 am UTC

There is a camera setup station in the lab at work that is begging for a startup sound.

Does anybody happen to know where I could find a Mass effect/Kool and the Gang mashup clip?

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby sotanaht » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:54 am UTC

pkcommando wrote:
DanD wrote:"Ok, Google-"
Sound of gunshot and body hitting the floor.
In voice of Alexa or Siri: "What can she do for you that I can't?"

Yes, my mind took that somewhere dark.

I want to take this moment to express my extreme displeasure that trying "Ok, Google" on Siri gets a humorous reply, but it's not reciprocal. Seems like a wasted opportunity.

Does it? Or am I misunderstanding something here.

Godsguy
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Godsguy » Thu Dec 21, 2017 12:29 pm UTC

This thread of start-up and shutdown sounds takes me back. On my first laptop (high school) I changed the start-up sound to The Matrix's "Welcome... to the real world" and the shut down sounds to, again the Matrix, "Hey man, it just sounds to me like you might need to unplug". Now I'm wondering if I can do that to my work laptop.......

I got quite amused looks in the school computer lab whenever those were heard.
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Keyman
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Keyman » Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:47 pm UTC

sotanaht wrote:
pkcommando wrote:
DanD wrote:"Ok, Google-"
Sound of gunshot and body hitting the floor.
In voice of Alexa or Siri: "What can she do for you that I can't?"

Yes, my mind took that somewhere dark.

I want to take this moment to express my extreme displeasure that trying "Ok, Google" on Siri gets a humorous reply, but it's not reciprocal. Seems like a wasted opportunity.

Does it? Or am I misunderstanding something here.

My Siri says: 'Very funny. Not funny "ha ha". But funny.'

Though she doesn't sound like she really means it.
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Ken_g6
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Ken_g6 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:20 pm UTC

The sound effect ought to change for some holidays. For instance, the first time the assistant is used on the morning after Valentine's Day, it could say, "Mmmm...good morning, lover. What can I do for you this morning?" It could sound disappointed if the query doesn't violate a Safe Search filter.

And the same thing on the morning after St. Patrick's Day, for double the humor. :mrgreen:

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squall_line
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby squall_line » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:28 pm UTC

Godsguy wrote:This thread of start-up and shutdown sounds takes me back. On my first laptop (high school) I changed the start-up sound to The Matrix's "Welcome... to the real world" and the shut down sounds to, again the Matrix, "Hey man, it just sounds to me like you might need to unplug". Now I'm wondering if I can do that to my work laptop.......

I got quite amused looks in the school computer lab whenever those were heard.


Takes me back to the days of "Soundmaster" for Macintosh OS. My dad got Volume 2, with Star Trek sounds. I think our shutdown sound was set to "Scotty, beam me up", but I can't remember the startup sound.

It had all sorts of options to speed up or slow down the sounds, change pitch, etc.

One sound I remember very well to this day was *knock*, *knock*, *knock*, "Let me out of here!", *knock*, *knock*, *knock*. It's anachronistic inasmuch as the knocking sound is that of a knuckle on a Cathode Ray Tube, which is one of those sounds that may some day be lost to history.

pscottdv
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby pscottdv » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:00 pm UTC

pkcommando wrote:I just want my phone to be in a bad mood from time to time.

"Ok, Google-"
"What the actual fuck do you need from me that's soooo urgent that you can't just type?"


My Daughter and I decided we wanted a GPS that sounded like Snape talking to Harry Potter, "Missed the turn did you? Your father was never able to follow directions either".

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SDK
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby SDK » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:19 pm UTC

"Shutdown sequence initiated. Shutting down."

Or maybe I'm the only one who played MechWarrior 2?
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aaronb1138
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby aaronb1138 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:50 pm UTC

pkcommando wrote:I just want my phone to be in a bad mood from time to time.

"Ok, Google-"
"What the actual fuck do you need from me that's soooo urgent that you can't just type?"

This might be better than what I was thinking. I basically read the comic a second time in Patton Oswalt's voice in my head and it was perfection.

SDK wrote:"Shutdown sequence initiated. Shutting down."

Or maybe I'm the only one who played MechWarrior 2?

Yup, did exactly this on Win95/98. The errors and critical stops where "Enemy powerup detected" and "Critical Hit". I think I tried to use the Mech startup (Reactor Online...) sequence at boot, but I vaguely remember getting annoyed that it stuttered a lot.

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Zinho » Fri Dec 22, 2017 5:18 pm UTC

My startup/shutdown sounds for Windows were Information Society clips:

startup- <footsteps in empty hallway> (child's voice) "Mommy, when are we going home?"
shutdown- (rabid/demonic-sounding male voice) "I can make you ALL go away, ANY TIME I WANT TO!!!!"

Taken from the Hack album, tracks "seek 200" and "hack 1" respectively.

I installed those once in an open lab, and learned the hard way that lab administrators don't have much of a sense of humor :P

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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby Steve the Pocket » Fri Dec 22, 2017 8:43 pm UTC

My thing for a while was to use the turrets from Portal. Shutting down was "Shutting down..." and sleep was "Sleep mode activated." I don't recall if I had anything else remapped.
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Re: 1931: "Virtual Assistant"

Postby astrus » Fri Dec 22, 2017 11:25 pm UTC

Another user who used to fiddle around with Windows sounds here.
I vaguely remember the shut down sound I used to use being the power on sound of one of the Terran buildings in StarCraft.
The other/work PC used peon soundbites taken from WarCraft.

I've actually turned off most sounds for my current PC and kept the ones that still play as the default Win10 sounds.

Speaking of changing sounds, the first thing I do when I get a new phone is changing the notification sound to the classic Dalek "Exterminate!"


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