I have had one longstanding crush. I'm mid twenties, was early twenties at the time when all this went down. I identified as asexual for the longest time, met her, realized I wasn't. We were friends first before I realized I was, in fact, quite heterosexual and 'into' her, some months after meeting her. She flirted, but I found over a year into knowing her that she had had a very long term boyfriend all along and was just the sort to flirt casually with friends. I swear I had my mouth open to finally ask her out when she casually mentioned her boyfriend. And I did one of those television things where I changed what I was going to say and said something really nonsensical as an excuse for having my mouth open. Then got home, considered it, searched the Internet for answers, discarded basically EVERYTHING I saw on the Internet because it was self-evidently stupid, and ultimately decided it didn't help anybody to tell her at this point.
I desperately do not want to be this guy. The guy in the comic. The Nice Guy with capital letters. I know he's inside me. He's the small part of me that hoped, I'm ashamed to admit, that her boyfriend would be a total jerk. I met him, and he isn't a jerk. Actually, frankly, he's a lot like me.
I moved to another country in large part to make sure I wouldn't do this BS to her. I didn't go to grad school like I planned but instead accepted a job offer (fairly lucrative...I can overcome shyness enough to pass interviews / get promotions, but I go to the job, interact with who I have to, go home, and spend the rest of the day and weekend alone, and frankly, that's the way I like it for the most part -- maybe it's best she didn't get a boring guy like that
). The whole creepy stalker thing was a temptation that I hated hated hated.
So I do feel kinship with the main character, but I hate
I just refuse to break contact, though, even though seeing her in person can only happen at most once a year because of distance. She's my friend -- I guess I'm not a close friend to her, but still a friend. And, hell, like I said: I'm extremely shy. The friendship is one of the few real friendships I have, even if we only communicate once per month. How sad does that sound? I'm actually not sad about it, my introversion matches my shyness quite nicely. Although, why the hell do I have such an easier time typing on the Internet?
I set up a sockpuppet account in case she might read this forum and because I just generally don't want this story attached to me or any alias I use on multiple forums. I'll probably never use this account again.
So I should probably see someone for help with all this or some shit, but I won't. Ironically, I'm too shy to
. And anyway I'm basically a happy person pretty much all the time, believe it or not, given the downer nature of this post. "What are you smiling about, smiley?" say strangers on the street with alarming frequency, disrupting the thoughts that were making me smile, as though there's something wrong with a person just being happy. This is about the only thing that's ever seriously been unpleasant for me, and for a long while after I stopped seeing her frequently (for school) it was leaving me sobbing uncontrollably and feeling sick for half the day, but I've gotten better about that on my own, I think. Got later crushes, really just two of them, found out they had boyfriends much earlier on in the run-up to get the courage to ask them out, didn't take it too hard and the crushes passed in fairly short order, but it kind of means the pandora's box of heterosexuality is completely opened (again, I previously identified as asexual, and suddenly I'm attracted to even girls that I don't get such crushes on). I still have a crush on her, and still desperately don't want to be That Guy. Like from the comic. And an evil part of me still is.
I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to ask anybody out. And yes, I have heard 10 trillion times about confidence being attractive, but knowing that does not endow me with confidence.