Serious family pseudo-problem

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qualex
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Serious family pseudo-problem

Postby qualex » Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:50 am UTC

Just wanted some opinions on this matter of a few people whose opinions are honest.


My dad basically hates his job and is projecting all his anger towards my mom and me, acting very frustrated when talking to us. The other night he looked like he had a serial-killer look on his face when my mom asked him if he was going to bed.

we tried talking to him about it but he said he couldn't do anything about it because it was his 'natural voice', but that's not the way he talks to his friends or his cousins.

My mom just confessed that he, my dad, in a way, threatened to leave her. We were at the beach and there was a lady at our hotel, about 50-60 years old, wearing bikinis all the time and drunk also. My dad claims she probably was on drugs (he's THAT kind of guy) and was looking for sex with strangers on the beach.
He told my mom 'you better watch out or you'll end up like that lady'.


yup.

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GhostWolfe
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Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:57 am UTC

Forgive me for being confused, but opinion on what?

It certainly does sound like he's redirecting his frustration towards something he feels he can control, but this would imply that he thinks he has no control over the job he hates. If this is true*, then you may actually have a pretty massive problem on his hands because it will be hard to "repair" the source of the problem in order to reduce the amount of "fallout" you have to deal with at home.

*By this I mean he feels that he cannot leave the job or change the job because he feels trapped by his circumstances.

But without further clarification, I'm not sure what else I can say.
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qualex
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Postby qualex » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:01 am UTC

Maybe opinion of what I should do, if you think this is serious... just general opinion?



well, the thing here, he earns a pretty nice living to support us. If he quits... then he'd have to find another job that pays well, I'd have to be taken out of my school and put in a public one or some other school probably, and it would be a bit of trouble. He studied to be a dentist, but he hasn't practiced in at least 10 years.

Also it seems he dislikes my mother quite a lot... hence, why he threatened to leave her. My mom told me to ignore him but I have had it, this has been going on for a year or more, probably 3-4.

edit: probably the idea of wasting his life in a job he dislikes is what is causing all of this, but he refuses to acknowledge the problem and to seek help, so there's nothing I can do.

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GhostWolfe
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Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:15 am UTC

It is a serious problem, but there's not much you can do while the adults involved seem to be in some level of denial about what's going on.

You're mother seems to be denying that there's a problem. This could be due to the way your mother was brought up. Is she the "surrendered wife" type? This might prevent her from seeing what's going on as an issue.

I think that your father wants to do what's right for your family and that is a very honorable thing to do, but right now it's coming at the expense of harmony and happiness in your home life.

I'm not sure what you should do about it, but the situation does sound rather volatile. I don't know if there are any ways that you could nudge your father into recognising what he's doing, I'm even less certain that he would care that he's making the people around him unhappy (he may be of the opinion that you should be grateful for his sacrifices - and I'm not saying you shouldn't be grateful, but it would be far nicer if he could see that if he decreased his sacrifices, everyone could be happier; if that makes sense).
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Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
Belial: I was in your mom's room all night committing to a series of extended military actions.

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qualex
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Postby qualex » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:19 am UTC

of course, I have thought about that. While I'm on summer vacation, and he is working, he probably feels angered that I do nothing while he works his ass off to maintain me. And I am really grateful for this.

My mom... I guess you could say she is a 'surrendered' wife. She had a previous marriage that failed on account of the husband being an angry bastard (I don't know the story, but apparently that's the summary).

I've told him many times to stop it, directly, saying that he's crossing the line in treating us badly. I have told him that he is redirecting his anger from work to us because we are a safe object that he will not lose (unlike his job) if he releases his anger on us. All he did was say that I exaggerate things a lot.
However, it IS something that he can lose. I am starting to not want to talk to him because I don't know if he'll crack a joke or say something in his usual 'ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT?' voice.

If he focused more on what he has, rather on what he doesn't have (i.e. dream job), we wouldn't have much of a problem.

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Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:26 am UTC

The hardest part of any situation like this is that it is near impossible to help someone that isn't ready to be helped. Until he's ready to recognise that there is a problem, he won't be able to change his ways.

I just pray that it doesn't take having you maybe even your mother leaving him to hammer that point home.
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Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
Belial: I was in your mom's room all night committing to a series of extended military actions.

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qualex
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Postby qualex » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:33 am UTC

My mom won't leave him, I can tell you that.


However I may lose the connection we had, or at least the somewhat connection we had. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting to all of this, when my dad is actually being nice or neutral, but then his ugly side comes to light and I doubt it no more.

If you ever saw The Shining, I can see how it might end up one day (sans the murdering rampage) if the point does not 'hit home'.


=S

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GhostWolfe
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Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:40 am UTC

It's easy to feel like you're overreacting when everything's going all right, but that doesn't mean that the bad spots aren't really as bad as they feel. Hang on, did that come out right?

I can see that you've tried to talk to him, but I can't really suggest anything more than simply taking the higher ground when things do get bad and being calm and mature and telling him the gentle truth (and pray to God that he doesn't overreact and try to beat the snot out of you).

P.S. I didn't mean for that the sound flippant, it is a geniune worry of mine.
Linguistic Anarchist
Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
Belial: I was in your mom's room all night committing to a series of extended military actions.

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qualex
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Postby qualex » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:44 am UTC

I'm not religious, but I appreciate your concern and help.


I am not afraid that he might hit me or anything. It looks like he might if pushed to the limit, but I don't think he would.

If he does, I'll... I don't know. Grab a baseball bat and hit him on the head. Maybe that will make reality hit.

Honestly I don't know what I'll do, but I guess I'll try what you said. Being calm except not saying any truths to anybody. I've said it way too many times, and he does not listen.

I shall be expecting a talk from him (another pointless talk) about how I am exaggerating.

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GhostWolfe
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Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:58 am UTC

I'd keep repeating the truths in the hope that one day it might finally sink in.

I'm not religious either. I believe in God in the same way as I believe in this computer I'm using: it exists, but I don't need to worship it. My use of the phrase "pray to God" is probably a matter for another thread.

And where is everyone else? surely someone else has some valuable input here? I'm very grateful that I could help, but I think I've stretched my limits, there's got to be someone around that knows more than I do?
Linguistic Anarchist
Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
Belial: I was in your mom's room all night committing to a series of extended military actions.

zenten
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Postby zenten » Fri Jul 13, 2007 5:06 am UTC

If you could be the one to get through to him, you would have been able to do so already.

Is there anyone he respects that you can talk to? Is he religious at all? Another family member perhaps?

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Postby wocket » Fri Jul 13, 2007 5:12 am UTC

You're not going to change him. Probably nobody is going to change him. What you need to focus on now is a healthy way to deal with the pain and anger he's causing you. Try yoga and/or meditation. Learn different breathing techniques. Find a confidante (other than anonymous forumgoers on the internet...trust me, it always feels better when you tell someone in real life), or seek out a counselor, or even call a hotline (hearing a real live person's voice can be almost as good as someone in real life).
Oh, and limit your contact with him. If he asks why, tell him what you've already told him. If he lectures you, distance yourself even more.


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